Will it ever stop?

[Befuddled81]

I was abused by two separate people as a child and one of those people, it has recently;y emerged abused several other pupils at the school I attended and I have decided after much consideration to add my case to the list of charges now against him. As a teen I developed depression and have struggled on and off with it now for 17 years, I developed anorexia in my early twenties and it was a long hard road to get myself healthy which I have been for ten years now (in terms of weight) However, since I reported the offence and gave my statement to the police, I have fallen back into a pattern of tight control over what I am putting into my body and I have lost four stone in six months. I don't want my three beautiful children to see me battle with this disease, but I feel like it now has control over me. I absolutely know I need to address the issue properly and beyond just going back on to antidepressants, which I have already done, but I cant seem to make myself take that final step to actually doing it. My DH is begging me to s-peak to my counsellor but I feel like if I do i simply wont be able to cope with all the feelings that going through the details of what happened to me has dragged up. Will the damage that has been done to me ever stop? Will there ever be a time when what they did isn't just waiting on the sidelines to ruin my life again?

[NanaNina]

It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD (which I'm sure you already know) and it has been re-activated by reporting the offence. There is a particular therapy that people with PTSD speak of very highly - EMDR therapy (or re-wind therapy) you'd need to google it. Apparently you don't have to go back over all the details as you do in other forms of therapy. Not sure if it's available on the NHS but you need urgent help - 4 stone in 6 months is a LOT of weight loss.

None of us can see into the future so it isn't possible to answer your Q - I guess many of us who suffer from MH stuff would like a positive answer, but life's not like that is it.

Sorry I don't know a great deal about EDs - though of course I realise an ED is a mental illness and is nothing to do with food. My DGD suffered from anorexia for many years, but she is now so much better. I don't think "damage that has been done to us" ever just stops, as such. I think like a bereavement or any other traumatic event, it lives on with us, but over time and with the right kind of help it becomes more manageable so that it doesn't "knock us for six" (for want of a better expression)

Please get some help soon.

[Befuddled81]

Thank you. I know I need to deal with it, it is just finding the courage to do it. And worse I have the court case to deal with still, I am, at this point, wondering if I can even go through with it. I haven't heard of that kind of counselling and will certainly look into it, I know at the moment my major anxiety lies around the cross examination in court, I am worried about being victim shamed by the defence barrister. I actually don't know if i would be able to manage it, even though it is already arrange that I can testify via videolink if I want.

[NanaNina]

I think you should certainly use the video link. I was a social worker for some 30 years before I retired and often had to give evidence in court in care proceedings with children, and be cross-examined by counsel for the parents. The thing to remember is that the barrister is fighting for his client, and will use whatever method he can to "win the case" BUT he or she has to maintain credibility with the Judge and if they are not playing fair, they will be pulled up by the Judge or counsel for the prosecution will object.

The best advice I can give is to try to stay calm, (easier said than done I know) admit to feeling nervous if necessary, stressing that it's unfamiliarity with the court process than concern about the validity of your evidence. Don't let the barrister put words in your mouth e.g. "SO Ms x you are saying X Y and Z" - answer calmly "No that's not what I'm saying - I am saying A B and C (if you see what I mean) don't let the barrister "ruffle" you - it's not personal, he's doing the job he's paid to do. If he is asking something that is confusing, say so and ask him to repeat his question, or re-phrase it.......keep your answers short as far as possible and if you get upset, that's no bad thing because the Jury will see that having to go through this ordeal is very distressing for you and will go a long way to getting a guilty verdict.

[Befuddled81]

Thank you so much for such practical and sensible advice. Having a plan is helpful to me, and the things you have suggested are just what I need. It has taken me 25 years to speak out and try to get justice, I just don't want to mess it up, I know I would fall apart if there was a not guilty verdict. The police have been excellent so far at supporting me, and I assume the other victims, through the process but I am a worrier by nature, and unfortunately the lack of control I have over the situation feeds directly into my need to control my diet. It's so frustrating after so many years of hard work to overcome my eating disorder that pursuing the right course of action is so destructive to me. Life is a bitch sometimes

[NanaNina]

Have you any idea when the trial is? Usually there isn't a specific date, but cases are on a "warned list" meaning they will be heard sometime during a specific week. Then of course, some people plead guilty at the last minute so there's no trial and that alters the timing of things in the Crown Court. Glad to hear the police are supporting you.

It's totally understandable that the loss of control you feel is going to make you want to control your diet. These things lie in wait for us and can be triggered by life events. At least you know the trigger, just hope the trial is not too far away.

But do look into EMDR therapy - people on these threads have spoken so highly of it for PTSD.

[Befuddled81]

I don't, in fact the case is still with the CPS as the amount of evidence is substantial but they have assured the police they will give a definite decision within three months (which has about 6 weeks left to run). The Detective in charge of my case is very confident that it will go to prosecution but obviously the CPS have a process to follow. I think having at least confirmation of a trial might help me a bit. Knowing my triggers is great but unfortunately this is one I can't avoid, except to back out which I am not prepared to do, I have also been considering pursuing a civil case as it will allow me to access funding for extended and more specified therapy, it kind of feels like that is another mountain I am not ready to climb yet, and I feel sick at the thought of financially profiting from it, and that's ultimately what a civil case would seek to provide for me. I just have to keep plugging away I guess. I honestly can't tell you how nice it is to be able to talk to someone who understands the processes I will have to face x