Please tell me recovery stories

[BluBurd]

I have spent most of the day crying my eyes out. I have depression and anxiety and currently on my 9th day of sertraline. I have never had depression before and this is very deep, it consumes me and I can't think about anything else.

Everyone keeps telling me I will get better, I will be okay. The tablets will help. It's been six weeks since the depression and anxiety began and I am struggling to even think about having to do another day.

Please can you give me some hope, some reassurance, something for me to hold on to.

[Katgrant30]

Hey there - I wrote my recovery story on Sane's website here:
www.sane.org.uk/how_you_can_help/blogging/show_blog/592

I had postpartum psychosis, a pretty devastating illness which meant my son and I were hospitalised for 3 months.

But I recovered! And my son is just amazing. :)

Love Kat x

[BluBurd]

I am in the acute phase but I need to feel like I am doing something. I have paid for a course online and just did my first mindful eating. Very interesting experience and I can already see how it will help with anxiety and depression.

[BluBurd]

Where can I find mindfulness course please? I am glad you have found peace x

[Blueberryshot]

I have anxiety and received CBT when I was pregnant. I really should continue because I did find it quite helpful and still experience low-level but permanent anxiety because I haven't practiced CBT in a while.

I wanted to say a couple of things but please ignore them if they don't feel right to you.

I have found that whenever I feel anxious (especially due to self esteem issues) I tend to do something in an attempt to make it go away. For example, I text somebody, to get reassurance that I am liked. But this always, without a fail, backfires and I feel even worse because the person didn't text back right away or didn't say the 'right thing'. Even if I were to bake brownies just to make me feel better as was suggested above I will end up with self loathing because they didn't turn out right/perfect etc.

So I try not to act on my impulse to do something to make me feel better but just try and accept that this is how I feel right now. It's unpleasant but it does go away after a few minutes. And this often results in me not feeling quite as worked up about things...... Not sure if this makes any sense at all or is even transferable to someone else's situation.

It's really good that you have a crisis team, I am sure they will help you overcome this. Try not to be too hard on yourself!

[mawbroon]

I have had 2 psychotic episodes and they were both followed by post psychotic depression. The first episode was not too bad, but the second one was really severe with suicidal thinking which was really upsetting.

My psychiatrist changed my anti psychotic meds and upped the dose of antidepressants about a year ago and here I am leading a normal life, slowly losing the weight that the drugs made me gain (3 stones) and about to start a part time job doing something I love doing that fits in perfectly with family life.

Normality seems so far away looking at it from the depths of depression. I was in denial about my illness for a long time, but as I started to feel better on the new meds, I came to accept that it was an illness and that I would get better.

[BluBurd]

Thank you for the stories, they give me hope. Cupcake, I have never been through anything like this in my life, it really is the hardest thing.

I have an upset stomach from the tablets and a head twitch or jerk, almost like Tourette's. But other than that I'm okay. The first few days my anxiety and depression intensified to the point I could barely move.

[cupcake78]

I had a bad breakdown jan 2011. Suicidal thoughts, couldn't get out of bed, 10 panic attacks a day. I struggled to dress, eat, wash etc.

I was on sertraline for about a year, got counselling and had a plan for each day which I tried to follow through. The start of was to get washed and dressed each morning and get ds to school.

It takes time and a lot of effort but slowly slowly I began to get better.

I am now off all meds. Had a baby last year, got PND unsurprisingly and about to move house in weeks. I am better .

I never thought it would happen. I was so ill, really ill. I am surprised I made it through but I did. I walked each day, I ate well, I cut out all alcohol, I made sure I got as much sunshine as possible .

Op it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's harder than having two dc to look after, it's harder than running a marathon. I understand how impossible it feels. I was there not so very long ago and yet here I am. Healthy, mentally well and able to cope with very stressful situations with no meds. I couldn't have done it without the help of my gp and a couple of good friends which I am so grateful for. The cake fairy visits these people unannounced often, it's the only way I can say thank you to them.

Keep going op I promise it gets better.

[BadSeedsAddict]

Bluburd did you go to see your friend? So glad you were feeling better try to remember that you have been ok, and will be again at some point, when in the middle of these attacks. What side effects do you get from the meds?

[doodlepigs11]

I have been through very similar, not being able to imagine what it was like to live 'normally'. I now do feel normal again and am slowly forgetting how the anxiety felt. I felt worst in the morning then a bit better in the evening like you. after about 10 to 14 days on medication I noticed I was feeling like I did in evening earlier and earlier in the day, until by about 3 weeks in I was waking up feeling ok. Hang in there, it won't be long. I agree with others, keep busy, get out the house every day, make sure you always have something planned for tomorrow.

[BluBurd]

I do have a friend that lives just round the corner, I can go and visit her. I have an hour long appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow too, to review the meds. I'm nervous incase he increases the meds, I don't want to go through the horrible side effects again :(

I am feeling more level headed at the moment, hoping my distress for the day is over.

[BadSeedsAddict]

It is really hard when you have anxiety and are in the house on your own. Do you have any friends who you can talk to about this stuff? I am lucky enough now to have a friend who will make me go round to her house to get me out, and I do the same for her. We are both prone to anxiety and can get very down and isolated when the kids are at school. Can you get out and see someone? It's very important to be around other people when your mind is dragging you down.

[Mrswellyboot]

From the sounds of your daughter who is so caring and loving, you sound like you are a good mum to me.

[LastingLight]

Oh BluBurd, I know that feeling of "I'm a crap mum and they will be better off without me". My DH said to me "You're the only mum she's got so we have to make the best of the situation". And things got better. Hang in there, don't think of yourself as a crap mum but rather a good mum with temporary problems.

[BluBurd]

I have appointments every other day for the most. I can call them at any time and they are just around the corner from me.

I got back from the school run and my mum phoned. I am now in tears and have text my ex husband to apologise for being such a crap mum to his kids. They all deserve so much more than me. I want them to have the best and happiest of lives. I wish it didn't feel so strongly like I won't be there to see it.

[LastingLight]

It's all well and fine to say you must stay in your familiar environment, but being on your own for 5.5 hours is far from ideal. How often are your appointments with the crisis team? Are they telephonic? Who is on the crisis team? Sorry for all the questions but I'm not in the UK and would like to understand how your system works.

[BluBurd]

I definitely do LastingLight. Once the kids go to school there is this huge block of 5 and a half hours with my own company.

I love the idea of writing love you notes for the kids. I will do some of those.

My crisis team just phoned me, as they didn't call back last night. My key worker reassured me that I am not psychotic. She said they assess my mental state at every appointment and if they thought for a second I was psychotic it would be dealt with straight away. She said I am in a state of severe anxiety and that I need extra support so they are increasing my appointments.

I asked to be admitted but she believes it's best to deal with this in my own surroundings.

[LastingLight]

BluBurd I think you have too much unstructured time on your hands. I suggest you set small goals for yourself.

• Go for a walk. You don't have to walk far, walk for 10 minutes then turn around and go back. That's 20 minutes of cardiovascular exercise in the fresh air. If that's too much, start with 10 minutes.
  

• Read at least 2 pages of a book. Even if you have difficulty concentrating, try to get through those 2 pages.
  

• Unpack and tidy up one shelf in a cupboard.
  

• Put some music on and dance. It's the privacy of your own home, nobody will see.
  

• Try to find a support group for depression and anxiety in your area.
  

• Bake biscuits / brownies / cake.
  

• Wash one or more windows.
  

• Write down one thing that you're grateful for.
  

• Write a love-you note for your dc's (how old are they?) and leave it on their pillows.
  

• Build something with the kids' Lego
  

• Play with clay or play dough (really, can be very therapeutic)
  

• Something simple you can do with the dc's: www.taste.com.au/kitchen/recipes/5+minute+chocolate+mug+cake,15671
  

Do you think you could do any of those?

[BluBurd]

This is what is worrying me so badly .

I'm so consumed with how I feel and so afraid of it, I don't think I am helping myself. I get up, give kids breakfast, take them to school, wash the dishes and then start phoning around, looking for reassurance that I'm okay, trying to pass the time until my exhusband comes home from work.

It feels like this is my normal now. I don't remember what it used to feel like before the depression and anxiety started.

[BadSeedsAddict]

Two recovery stories.
One, mine; used to get panicky to the point of being paranoid people were looking at me, hated myself, threw up most of my food after eating, cut my arms and legs. Over the last twelve years and after going onto to ADs I have slowly sorted myself out and got help inc. CBT for low self esteem. Now much much better but I had many moments along the way when I felt I couldn't go on. I have got here bit by bit and very slowly, I would say so long as you are focused on getting better and try as many things as you can, you will see improvement. I used to get down on myself for not being able to do things like meditation etc but that's unhelpful. There will be something that works for you. Just keep going and don't give up .

Second story;
My friend got so bad she attempted suicide. She got help but what has really helped her is her decision to keep pushing forward with helping herself. I can see the difference in her from a year ago - she seems more sure of herself and less nervous and anxious. She is trying different things including group therapy, and one-to-one counselling. She seems to me to be at the beginning of the journey I am also on. I told her how well she's doing because she really, really is it's wonderful to see!

You are at the very beginning of this. The important thing is to keep going forward. (When I get stuck I sometimes have Finding Nemo's Dory in my head; "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"!). You'll get there. It doesn't feel like it, but you will. Try to be around people you can talk to about this stuff, who won't be negative or judge you. It helps enormously.

[BluBurd]

Thanks both of you. I don't really get physical symptoms with the anxiety attacks, I don't get the racing heart, pins and needles, etc. It's all in my mind instead.

I get the thoughts, that I won't get better, there is something wrong with me or when I am really bad, that things aren't real. The thoughts lead to the feeling of something really bad about to happen which leads to tears, which leads to more thoughts and then pacing and desperately trying to phone people.

The physical symptoms I can and have handled, I have had anxiety once before when I was a teen. I just can't handle the mental side of it, feeling I am crazy, things aren't real, impending doom etc.

I wish I could just be normal again.

[Sevensev]

First off, I very much doubt they think you are a burden. Sounds like they just very much want you to get better and are very willing to help you.

Second. I found ignoring thoughts, especially the night ones and the ones before I had breakfast was the best way to go.
I even used to have notes under my pillow just saying "ignore my thoughts" on them, so when I woke in the night and in the morning, I would just take out the notes to help me, knowing I had written them when I was well and therefore they were reliable.

[violator]

BluBurd I was the same, I'd be relatively calm in the evenings and then in the mornings would be hit with the worst feelings. That will get better, I thought it never would but it did.

Just know that the feelings you get when you're anxious are just feelings, they're just physical symptoms. They can't and won't harm you.

Did you know the physical sensations of anxiety are the same as the ones you get when you're excited? It's just the thoughts that accompany them make them feel awful.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight.