Feel like an idiot

[WakeUpRosemary]

I feel so stupid today. I was due to give a presentation on my proposed thesis for an MA that I'm doing. This is the fifth presentation I've had to give this year: the first four were group presentations. I did the first one and thought I'd be okay but had a panic attack just before it. I only had to speak for a couple of minutes so that was okay. The second one was also ok. The third one I skipped and had the excuse that my son was ill (I didn't need to be with him as his dad was home but it seemed like a good excuse). The fourth one I also had a valid excuse for taking a back seat although in retrospect I'm not sure anyone will believe that was true.

But today I just lost the plot. I thought I'd be fine. I slept okay last night and I was well prepared but even an hour before I was due to speak my heart was racing and I was shaking really badly. My mouth was dry and I remembered a moment during my first presentation when I literally thought I wouldn't be able to go on anymore because I might faint. So today I orchestrated an urgent phone call to say I had to go and pick up my son and I left. I was afraid I'd go to pieces in front of my entire class.

I realise now that I should have gone back on SSRIs before doing this course. It's just been a battle against anxiety since last September. I feel like everyone knows that I just can't cope with presentations and that they'll think I've been lying to avoid them all along. I've been off ADs for about five years and thought I was doing ok. I was obviously wrong.

It helped to write this.

[madmouse]

Well done for writing it and facing up to it

Try not to second guess what people are thinking - it may not at all be as you think. Focus on getting yourself fixed so you can carry on with and enjoy your course.

With a bit of luck you will start to feel less anxious a few days after starting SSRIs again.

Don't be ashamed to need meds.

[WakeUpRosemary]

Thanks madmouse. All I have to do now is write essays and thesis and then I'm done. I can cope with that so I'm debating whether or not I need ADs now that the most stressful part is over.

[madmouse]

Well....you need something doing. You don't want to get in a pickle everytime you are in this situation. Maybe this is a good time for some counselling/CBT?

[OrmIrian]

Does the anxiety only manifest itself during times like this? Are you OK at all other times? If so could you stay off the ADs and perhaps try beta blockers? I used those for my driving test in the end as I got in such a state.

[WithanAnotE]

Agree with above poster. I do a lot of 'public' speaking. If your anxiety is situation specific and involves a feeling of an adrenaline rush a beta blocker may be best, such Propranolol. A number of musicians & performing artists use a low dose of this.

[WakeUpRosemary]

Thanks for your responses. Yes, I suppose it is situation-specific in terms of total panic but I also have lots of trouble sleeping. I've used sleeping tablets but maybe ADs might help both problems.
God, today was such a nightmare. I don't know how I'll face anyone again.

[rubbishonlineshopper]

How long is your MA, and how many more of these kinds of situations will you need to face? It might be best to see how you are feeling after the MA is over if its not going to be too hard to get to the end of it?

Also, Ive been a lecturer and a professional supervisor for students who had to do presentations like this, and it is very very common - a few of my students had panic attacks like this, and it never made me think anything less of them. Speak to people at college about it - they are more likely to be helpful than anything else, and are likely to have lots of advice or ideas for support.

[rubbishonlineshopper]

ok, read back more carefully and see you dont need to do anymore. Might be best to see if you can make it to the end?

[WithanAnotE]

I suffered from the random panic attacks often with people I knew! . I also hated sitting in an audience (had to leave) or queues in shops. This went when I starting taking ADs and I just use a low dose of Propranolol for the situation specific ones. In part the fact I can control 'it' gave me the 'power' and confidence back to me so I rarely use the Propranolol now. Am still on the ADs but that's primary for depression.

[WakeUpRosemary]

I get very antsy in audiences too, WithanAnotanE. I always need to be at the end of a row so I can leave easily. I did look up beta blockers to buy online as I doubt my doctor would prescribe them. I had to practically beg her for sleeping tablets.
I think I can make it until the end of the MA, rubbishonlineshopper. The thing is my confidence is shot now. I'll give it a week or so and see how I am.