I feel so stupid today. I was due to give a presentation on my proposed thesis for an MA that I'm doing. This is the fifth presentation I've had to give this year: the first four were group presentations. I did the first one and thought I'd be okay but had a panic attack just before it. I only had to speak for a couple of minutes so that was okay. The second one was also ok. The third one I skipped and had the excuse that my son was ill (I didn't need to be with him as his dad was home but it seemed like a good excuse). The fourth one I also had a valid excuse for taking a back seat although in retrospect I'm not sure anyone will believe that was true.
But today I just lost the plot. I thought I'd be fine. I slept okay last night and I was well prepared but even an hour before I was due to speak my heart was racing and I was shaking really badly. My mouth was dry and I remembered a moment during my first presentation when I literally thought I wouldn't be able to go on anymore because I might faint. So today I orchestrated an urgent phone call to say I had to go and pick up my son and I left. I was afraid I'd go to pieces in front of my entire class.
I realise now that I should have gone back on SSRIs before doing this course. It's just been a battle against anxiety since last September. I feel like everyone knows that I just can't cope with presentations and that they'll think I've been lying to avoid them all along. I've been off ADs for about five years and thought I was doing ok. I was obviously wrong.
It helped to write this.