Does anyone share my very odd phobia? Maybe TMI

[keithlemonsbackdoors]

Right. This is hideously embarrassing, I'm cringing just trying to get the words in order in my head. I've only ever talked about this with two people before (both counsellors)

I have a MASSIVE phobia of shitting myself losing control in public. And by in public I mean anywhere where there are other people, including my own home. I've been struggling with panic attacks & anxiety for at least 10 years now and the one aspect that I can't deal with is the fact that a panic attack pretty much instantly requires that I scuttle off to the nearest loo. So you can see the vicious circle situation; I worry that I will get the shits gastric disturbance, which causes... you guessed it.

I have so many safety behaviours that it's ridiculous:
Obviously I won't travel any distance
Motorways are right out of the question, as is having anyone else in my car or being a passenger. Or buses. Or long walks.
I can't go to other people's houses coz I'm also scared of using other people's toilets (although this isn't so much of an issue any more because I no longer have any friends)
I'm a very very fussy eater & obsessively hygienic
I only wear dark coloured clothes on my bottom half in case of 'accidents' & feel very uncomfortable if I don't have a jacket or cardie that I could tie round my waist in an emergency

A few days ago I had the norovirus - I'd been getting more & more anxious watching it go around, frantically bleaching everything after my DS & DH had it. I had to send my DH and (breastfed 2 yr old) DS away for 24 hours because I was too ill to look after the little one but couldn't bear the thought of DH hearing my bum explosions D & V symptoms in the bathroom (we live in a small flat where even the smallest of farts can be heard from any of the other rooms. I cannot bear it, there is no privacy at all).

Since then my anxiety has escalated (sp?) out of control - I just failed to walk 5 mins to the local shop (and there's a public toilet there ffs!). I won't let DH sleep in the bedroom in case of any night-time incidents. I sweat & shake & generally struggle to keep it together when anyone else is in the bathroom (we have no separate loo). I've barely eaten anything in the last few days, partly because there's something very reassuring about being completely 'empty'.

I'm not very well am I? What the hell do I do?

[JoodHood]

Is anyone on this thread still posting? I'm wanting to know how you are all getting on?
I could have written nearly every post on here - I've been like other posters all my life and it's hard to deal with.

[wednesdaya]

Thanks @sarahs19, sometimes someone else saying they have the same issues really helps! I can get out the house but only to maybe one or two specific places like families houses etc. I always have to wear black and always have to carry Imodium. I’ve had two appointments with psychiatrists that I’ve had to miss because I panicked so much before about it, I was worried because the toilets were in the middle of the waiting room and I was scared if I needed to use them quickly they’d be occupied or people would see me. It really is an awful and embarrassing phobia, I think I need to try and be honest about it now as it’s gone on for so long. The vomiting idea is really good, I think I’ll try saying that and hopefully it’ll help me be truly honest about the phobia :)

[SarahS19]

I was very similar @wednesdaya and allowed it to start destroying my life and a lot of incredibly opportunities- but I just found ways of coping with it each day ( always carrying spare clothes or the type of clothes I wore) and I can go out and although I have anxiety and thoughts about it I can still leave my house and be ok! Sometimes you just have to find little things that even just let you leave the house. Also I've REALLY struggled with admitting to anyone what my phobia was but like a lot of things.. unless you're prepared to admit it you can't get the necessary and correct help. Something I've found that gets the similar help I need however is telling people I'm scared of being sick outside of my home... similar to our phobia and both are linked in loads of ways like needing to find a bathroom, both are forms of losing bodily control and although it's not 100% honest it's much less embarrassing but is still close enough to the truth to get help!

I hope yours and everyones improves. It's really horrible to live with and we deserve not to go through life with it!!

[wednesdaya]

I've had this for the past two years now and its completely destroyed my life- I've had to move back in with my mum as I can't do anything independently anymore! I've seen many different counselors and I've also been on sertraline, citalopram, trazodone, mirtazapine and propranalol and I'm just getting worse! Is anyone else just too embarrassed to tell anyone about why they actually feel anxious about? I just feel far too embarrassed to admit to a therapist that I panic because I'm scared I'll 'lose control'. Has anyone made any progress with this?

[GingerNinja22]

Hi yes I've had CBT which helped a little. I've also paid for some therapy privately as well but eventually ran out of money! The CBT did help a little bit by no means 'fixed' it. I have noticed though that the less you do, the smaller your world becomes, and when something seems impossible, if you are made to just get through the absolute terror of it (e.g. a plane, sharing a car), at the end, your world seems that much bigger again. The thing is, it takes a personality of steel I think to force yourselves through these things daily, which I think really is what I/everybody needs to do to get better. Sometimes I wish the worst would happen just so I can see that at the end of it, I might be humiliated, but I'm still very much here and life will go on.

[SarahS19]

Hey GingerNinja22 - I've had it for 2 years now and am worried it will go on for long. Feel awful hearing you've had it for 10 years. Have you had anything improve it or tried CBT or anything? :)

[GingerNinja22]

Hi! I too am a sufferer of this shit (no pun intended) phobia - it's been ruling my life for about 10 years now :(

[SarahS19]

Honestly I've never been so relieved to realise I wasn't the only one suffering with this! Hate to know other people have it but nice to know I'm not alone. I've had CBT and it didn't work... hoping just to keep working at it slowly I guess!

[BettyInc]

Yes I'm the same. I also have IBS which I think is what triggered it arriving in the first place, constantly worried i'll get caught out.

[Treetop66]

Hi hun. i am having cbt too its been quite good really. It is sugesting that my mind is getting confused with my irritable bowel syndrome. Well i will be having my next 3rd session on monday. It is so embarrasing as i cant travel or anything.

[Matildathecat1]

Probably goes under the catch-all categorisation of "specific social phobia". Or the graceful "toilet phobia".

[BettyInc]

@matildathecat1 really? It doesn't even seem to have a name. I'm having DBT at the moment and previously CBT but it doesn't help much.

[BettyInc]

The original poster has long gone but I'm here, @treetop66 and happy to chat! I found this post and it felt like me 100%.

[Matildathecat1]

This is a very common condition indeed. We see it all the time in primary care CBT services. Contact an IAPT service if you want to look into getting some therapy sessions around it.

[Treetop66]

yes when reading it i thought i had written that thread.

[Treetop66]

yes me im the same.

[Treetop66]

i cant beleive someone else suffers the same as me. Wow. How are you doing now hun.

[BettyInc]

I know this is a zombie thread but its given me hope to find someone else in the world the same as me.

Anyone else out there? I could have wrote the opening post word for word...

[Housewifefromheaven]

Oh you can't go on like this. Perhaps your dosage needs adjusting or changing? Or maybe it takes a while to settle? Not sure really as ive never had antidepressants. I take propranolol for anxiety instead. You should get yourself another appointment with your doctor for a chat. Good luck.

[keithlemonsbackdoors]

An update:
I'm on my third week of sertraline, been referred for cbt.
Things are not going well. I've graduated onto panicking about my DH getting in from work; it builds over the afternoon, by the time he gets home I'm in a right state. I count down the hours until I can reasonably go to bed to get away from him. I dread the weekends & fantasise about running away.
I can't go on like this.

[madmouse]

You will find that if it doesn't happen it will not be the end of you and you will survive just fine.

CBT will hopefully help you.

You can teach yourself mindfulness - there's somne good stuff on Youtube.

[keithlemonsbackdoors]

...cbt! Stupid phone, I give up! Toddler has hijacked the laptop...

[keithlemonsbackdoors]

Thanks Becky. I've been reading up on mindfulness - it makes a lot of sense. Did ypu teach yourself these techniques? As for if the worst happened, it would be the end of me, I really could not cope with the humiliation. My doctor has prescribed sertraline and referred m e for

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I can relate to your fear, as to a small degree I have a similar thing and it has waxed and waned over time. I lived in Japan for two years and TMI alert and I never found out what caused it but for the second year I was there I pretty much had squits the whole time (although I'd only ever go first thing in the morning). I tried cutting out water, milk, tinned ice coffee, bread, rice all to no avail. I never found out what caused it. It was horrendous (but liveable because it generally only happened once a day). So as a consequence I developed a phobia about needing to go in public (and public toilets in Japan are not generally very nice). It was kind of understandable while I was there as I'd have to go asap when I got the urge but as soon as I returned to the UK, almost over night, things returned to normal but the fear stayed. It got better gradually as I realised that chances are I'd have time to go but then I had children. Two things happened, the first is that I had a third degree tear with DS1 and had less control than previously (i.e. if I needed to go, even though it was 'normal', I needed to go now!) and I realised that it would be more difficult to find a toilet in a hurry with pushchairs and little people. And the thing was that the fear made me need to go when we were out so it ended up that every time we went to town I'd need to go to the toilet which was a pain. I'm not so bad now, again it has gradually got better, but it is always at the back of my mind when I go on long journeys, go anywhere away from home etc. So I understand your fear.

I would expect CBT to help, I've had it for other issues and phobias (also have a phobia of balloons!). I probably have used CBT techniques to help me with this issue without really realising they are CBT techniques such as thinking 'what's the worst that can happen' and then realising that that probably won't happen and mindfulness - thinking of the objects I see, thinking of anything else, except the fear that I might need to go and there is nowhere close by to go to (I once got very panicky in Sainsbury's in a queue because I felt the need to go) and started examining each letter on the magazines, the people around me, and the things on the conveyer belt etc. It does help.

That's a long essay! Sorry, hope it helps a bit. I think what has happened with you is that your norovirus has meant your fear has spiralled up and up out of control and it needs to come back down again. You need to look at it from a different perspective. Think about what is the worst thing you fear. What will happen if that happens? Is it that bad? Is the fear worse than what is feared?

[keithlemonsbackdoors]

I have tried imodium once, when I was a bridesmaid at my sister's wedding - I had evil stomach cramps all day then threw up in the evening and had to go home - not good! Glad you have found something that works for you and Congrats on the imminent LO! Agree about the side effects thing, should just throw the info leaflet away really! have made a Drs appointment for tomorrow...