Hi all I'm back from holiday - with a decision to go back to the doctor...

[madmouse]

We had a great time camping - ds in particular had a wonderful time. I enjoyed it too but part of most days was ruined by stress and anxiety

Lots of childhood anxieties from camping came straight back (guess that has to do with childhood memories in general returning?) - like seeing a plume of smoke 6 miles away and panicking about forest fires, and things like ds having a hot cheek and squeezing one eye a bit for a few hours really setting me off. Basically I was constantly worrying about something. Also very jumpy. DH said my stress levels are 'interesting'. He's very patient bless him, but concerned.

Need to ask the doc to refer me for more counselling - CBT this time i think, because I notice my brain is just looking for something to worry about and that needs to stop. Most ridiculous example: we had a very busy morning at a horse rescue centre. it was hot and ds had been very busy. He fell asleep in the car in minutes and stayed asleep in dh''s arms while we went through Morrisons for some supplies. I panicked that something was wrong with him, could not think what, still panicked and got totally stressed making a mess of the shopping, couldn't think, snapped at dh etc.

My good friend texted to ask if I was managing to relax - I said hit and miss, decided to see doc and he said that it was a good idea.


Seriously wondering if I will ever be fixed.

[midnightservant]

Bless you madmouse you have had to do without meds to face and go through the stuff you had to sort out from your past. Now perhaps it may be Ok to accept (something like) the equivalent of an aspirin to help you continue on out the other side into your future?

[madmouse]

Have put my box of St Johnswort away so I won't take it in the morning. I guess that means I'm starting to veer towards taking a citalopram in the evening. Probably. Having decided that as not currently very depressed or suicidal I would be able to come off quick-ish if pregnant as long as willing to put up with anxiety again.

When talking to my closest supporting friend tonight I mentioned about taking the tablets and he said 'but not all at once'. He hasn't forgotten yet I don't want to get that bad ever again.

[kalidasa]

When I had very "physical" acute anxiety a few years ago - constant trembling, pounding heart etc - the GP gave me betablockers as a stopgap while I waited to see a pscyhiatrist and they were great actually. They didn't change the thoughts/feelings at all but they were very helpful for soothing the physical effects which in turn helped me feel calmer. And they were so effective even just carrying them without necessarily taking them was also reassuring.

More recently I've been struggling with acute anxiety that's been very disabling but less physical. For managing this I've found two things really helpful - basic 'mindfulness' techniques and daily exercise (usually swimming for me). At my most anxious I was really dependent upon the daily swim but it was very soothing and in particular helped to make sure that my sleep/appetite and so on didn't start sliding too.

You've probably looked into mindfulness but if you haven't I really really recommend it. I find it more useful and better suited to the patterns of my anxiety than CBT. I am also feeling a bit "no end in sight" about the tough therapy process at the moment, even though in rational moments I know how much progress I've made; so I understand a bit of what you mean with that.

My episode of acute anxiety a few years ago was actually triggered by 10mg of citalopram (it caused a manic episode). But I understand this was very unusual indeed. The senior psychiatrist I eventually saw said that a low dose of citalopram is generally the most innocuous of the ADs so a good bet if you do want to try one and most people are absolutely fine on them. (Though if you have ever had any kind of hyper/too-high mood you shouldn't take an AD.)

[madmouse]

Thanks kalidasa for sharing your experiences. I thought about beta blockers but I don't panic about panicking IYSWIM, I know what's going on when my heart races and my chest hurts and that in itself doesn't scare me, so I don't think beta blockers are much use.

I know mindfulness techniques and one of the worrying signs is that I can't seem to use them well at the moment. The situation at work has made me feel that I have no control on things and that makes me very restless and I can't get 'into' mindlessness.

[cityhobgoblin]

Indeed you don't want to get that bad ever again , madmouse . Best of luck with your decision and I don't think it's at all surprising that you can't employ your mindfulness techniques when you feel like this ... I don't necessarily worry about having bouts difficulty with that myself - it just depends how long that degree of difficulty lasts . ( am sure you're taking that into account already ).

The doctor who prescribed the Citalopram may have suggested setting goals which the ADs are supposed to help you with , and points at which you could plan to come off them , not only pregnancy , which you have of course worked out . I'm not always convinced by the way such plans are put to the "patient " ( too heavily in favour of taking the drug for a good long while , IMHO ) but you may feel you would continue a low dose for X amount of time if it helped you do a / b / c/ , or stop when pregnant or if y or z side effects did not ease off .

Sorry , this is all stuff you will have already taken into consideration .

[madmouse]

Have taken the first tablet last night. Slept ok-ish, feel really spaced out and shaky - like when your blood sugar levels are low.

[madmouse]

Heck starting to wonder if doc has accidentally given me diazepam - I'm sleepwalking, jut come home early from work and 5 miles cycling has done nothing to make me feel more awake...

I do hope this passes?

[BeckyBendyLegs]

Madmouse just thought I'd drop in here to say I'm thinking about you xxx I don't know much about ADs but I know that the side-effects can take a while to calm down from what people in the real world have told me and reading about them (I remember how spacey I felt when I tried fluoxitine). Take care of yourself x

[Upwardandonward]

I hope it passes soon, madmouse A nurse recently said to me that it's amazing the level of side effect cOnsidered acceptable in psychiatric medicine, and I tend to agree. I hope you feel better/adjust soon.

[madmouse]

Feeling better now - they seem to have kicked in straight away (which they can do for anxiety) and I feel a lot calmer. And I think that made me realise how tired I am. Had 9 hours sleep which is unheard of.

[midnightservant]

Hi madmouse. Might be worth checking what time you're supposed to take them.

A few years back I had a problem with olanzapine - came home from hospital thinking I was supposed to take them last thing at night, felt like a zombie each morning, mentioned it to my community HT psych, who said I should have been taking them around 5 pm. Problem solved for me in terms of no longer being a morning zombie.

I take my paroxatine first thing in the morning, am no longer on olanzapine.

If side effects persist in being horrid, please go back and see if there is something else that might suit you better.

[thermosflask]

Just want to say that taking anti d's does not mean you won't be able to feel your emotions. I was also 'frozen' (great description) and numb due to childhood abuse and trauma. I had a breakdown (or breakthrough?) last year, was suicidal etc and finally, very reluctantly started taking 20mg Citalopram. I can tell you that I can feel everything. I think my breakdown somehow unblocked me/defrosted me and I have had so many emotions come back to me over the past months. Far more than before my breakdown when I wasn't on any meds at all.

They did take about 8 weeks to really kick in, I've now been on them for 7 months and will probably be on them for the foreseeable future.

You are not a failure for taking them. That's exactly how I felt so I really do understand how you feel. I look on it now as I was damaged by my parental abuse and the meds are part of my treatment in recovering and healing from the emotional abuse. Just the same as if my parents had physically abused me and eg broken my arms, I would need meds etc as part of my recovery.