Do i tell DH ( separated ) that dd is having surgery on Thur s?

[Throughthestorm]

Dh and I are separated after 25 + years and 4 x dc for about 9 months now.
He did something which was a deal breaker for me and went to live at his mums .
Its a long story and I wont go into it now unless I need to , but he was always an amazing daddy . I couldn't have wished for a better father.
When we split he was on a huge downer and didn't contact the dc for weeks/ months. However I persevered and always arranged contact myself and he thanked me for that recently .
It turns out he has a gf now ,
I cant call her gf because we are still married and he knows I want to work through this now but he is in love ? ( he knew her 3 weeks prior to announcement and tbh I still think he is lying ).
He is not the man or dad we knew .
Contact was better but always always instigated by me.
He never answers his phone to the dc- esp if dd as she is only 4 and we use my phone . However I always texted first and said xxxx is about to call but still he wont answer.
After a few months of much crying ( inc Xmas day ) dd and ds don't try calling him anymore.
I had a conversation with him twice recently about calling her regularly and he promised me he would and sounded sincere.
He still hasn't.
They honestly had the best closest relationship I could ever wish for prior to our split and he is losing that relationship rapidly.
I asked him if he would take her recently to a hospital apt as id taken so much time off work to look after dc who had all been ill and had various health complaints which required hospital appointments .
I had taken her to 9 appointments. Anyway he point blank refused ( I also have a demanding and prof. job ).
At the said appointment surgery was arranged , only minor, but weve got a bed booked at short notice for the end of this week.
Now ive told him several times that im not begging him to see the dc anymore he needs to do it himself. He still hasn't.
I haven't handed dd the phone and called daddy for 2 weeks now ( usually at least 10-20 failed calls texts ect then he calls us back ).
because I have stuck to what I said for the first time they have had no communication what so ever and he has no idea she is booked for surgery.
Im sorely tempted to just go ahead and tell him afterwards that she is out of surgery and all is well .... I know I prob shouldn't and wont because he is her daddy and we all love him and it would be wrong.
Should I call him AGAIN and let him know, or sod it and leave him to ask how she is when he finds time ?
( This isn't him normally btw he is a changed man who has broken my heart ).

[ImperialBlether]

Did he respond to your text, OP? You're a better woman than I am; I wouldn't have let him know.

[FrancesNiadova]

Have you got a relative who can text just the basic details:
DD operation on Thursday, I will update on progress later.

That way, DD & you can focus on the operation & DD' s emotional well-being, away from his hurtful lack of interest.

You would also be able to prove, in any divorce court later on, that you had kept him informed of his child's welfare.

I wouldn't be as persistent with the texts & phone calls TBH. As long as you can prove that you tried to set up contact & he chose not to bother, you'll be fine.

The constant rejection from him will be picked up by your children, so don't put them through it. He sounds a selfish @rse IMHO, & your children & you deserve better.

[lunar1]

I think you have to wait till after. Surgery is stressful, ds needs to be calm before her op. In an ideal world you should tell him but if that causes him to turn up on the day I think it could be really unsettling for her after such a long time.

I would put her first and in this case I think that means keeping him away.

[Throughthestorm]

Thank you everyone.
She is just having hand surgery for a deformed finger but still it will be hard seeing her in that little gown going without me .
I will text him tomorrow and atvleastvthen he has the option of coming to see her thank you x

[eurochick]

I'd say something like: x is having surgery at y hospital on a date. I will text afterwards to let you know how she is doing. Or something like that. Very matter of fact.

[TheCowThatLaughs]

I would also say you should text him up let him know it's going to happen, then leave it up to him whether he can be bothered to ask about his daughter or not. Very sad situation that he's created for you and his children. Not what I would call a good dad if he doesn't see or speak to them for weeks on end.

[tattychicken]

I agree. One short simple text, what surgery she is having done and when. He most Prob won't respond, so prepare yourself for that,but he can't wail after the event that he didn't know.

[tribpot]

Yes, I would let him know it is going to happen. Just that, nothing else.

[Throughthestorm]

Thanks Tripot-would you suggest I text him prior to the surgery ?

[tribpot]

I would text. If you call it seems likely that he won't answer anyway - and he doesn't have voicemail? As a courtesy I would advise him but frankly he deserves nothing else.

I don't understand why you pursued him so relentlessly about contact - I completely understand why you wanted him to contact his children but 10-20 texts to someone who clearly cannot be arsed? Wasn't that just incredibly stressful for you and irrelevant to him?

I hope your dd's surgery goes okay and she's back to full health soon.