My dad is causing us so much stress and anxiety - it’s driving me insane.

[Silverumbrella]

I’m sorry, this is so so long but my sister and I are both so very stressed, so anxious all the time and the main instigator to all of this is my dad. I hate to say this because we love him but he is also a miserable old man who is happy to bring everyone else down with him and really doesn’t give a shit about us.

He is under a lot of stress and my truly heart goes out to him which is why we do so much to help but he appears to not appreciate any of it and put spanners in the works at every angle.

Dad is 82 and in good health. Mum (81) sadly isn’t. She has a pacemaker due to heart issues, she is bent over and in pain from osteoporosis. She is pre-diabetic. 6 years ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and as with the nature of this horribly cruel disease, she gets worse month by month. Although mum recognises us all still she is quite confused at times. She can not do most things for herself.
For example, she couldn’t make herself a drink or a meal. If left to her own devises she would live off anything she could just get hold off ie biscuits etc. She can shower herself with prompting and assistance from the carer who comes in for an hour each morning (Mon-Sat). She goes to a day centre one afternoon per week which really helps her. But dad, my sister and I basically care for her in all other aspects.

It’s all very stressful seeing my parents in this situation but my dad makes everything so much worse. He is a complete awkward pain in the arse. This isn’t a new situation, he has always been quite selfish and self-centred.

He constantly moans about mum and her behaviour. Constantly saying ‘she has no idea what she is doing to me, how much stress she is putting me under’ or ‘I may as well have dementia myself because my life is over, I can’t go anywhere’ etc. But he is his own worst enemy, he won’t take onboard any suggestions from anyone. My parents are very comfortable financially, not only is their house worth quite a bit but due to mum’s father leaving her a lot of money in his will (we are taking hundreds of thousands of pounds), dad will not spend a penny on anything to help. He believes everything is a rip-off and everyone is out to take his money. He is always asking me to find out if he is entitled to a free this or free that. I have never asked for a penny off them but he constantly tells me that he doesn’t believe in leaving inheritance to family and is always quoting from tv shows he’s watched where someone says they don’t agree in passing on inheritance etc. Yet ironically he has been living a bloody lovely life these past 20+ years because my lovely generous grandad left all his money to my mum, NOT my dad but his daughter and my dad took it upon himself to class that money as his as well. Now my mum has all these health issues he will hardly spend a penny to make her life more comfortable. He sees the day centre as extortion (its £45 for 3 hours), he refuses for mum to go there another day even though he constantly moans that’s he is trapped with her at home. It took me 3 years of trying to get a carer in the mornings to help mum get showered. The lovely carer is willing to offer more help such as offering a sit in service but dad won’t spend the money, he’d rather I do it for nothing. Mum could really do with an adjustable bed but he says no and that I’m interfering, yet he treated himself to a new mattress last year! I’m trying to get him to buy mum an adjustable armchair as she is always in pain but he’s faffing about looking at loads and saying they are all a ‘rip off’. I have POA and I know legally I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress.

I go in 5 days a week to help where I can. I take mum to the day centre (and make her a packed lunch), take her to all her hospital appointments, I organise everything which is available to them (they wouldn’t have the council tax discount or attendance allowance if it wasn’t for me), I do all of mum’s admin, keep all her hospital letters etc, make all her appointments etc. Between my sister and I we wash their clothes and do their cleaning etc. Yet dad constantly moans that everything is down to him. Whenever we have had social services or organisations in to see what they can help with he will tell them he is mum’s carer and everything is down to him to deal with. He really has no idea how fortunate he is to not only have one daughter live round the corner but both of his children and that we pop in and see them all the time. My parents very rarely have a day when they are on their own.

My sister and I have our own families and our health issues but my dad couldn’t really give a toss about that. We are both in pain from endometriosis and I have constant gut issues. My sister had a parathyroid tumour removed last Monday and was cleaning their house the day before. I was so pissed off my dad was happy having her clean their home when she should have been at home and taking it easy (she was really stressed about the op).

And on top of all this shit, mum was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. I took her to the appointment and watched my poor mum being scanned, having a mammogram and then a painful biopsy performed and looking so confused by it all only to be told it’s more than likely bc. FFS!

I love my parents and feel so bad for them but my dad is putting so much stress onto us and he doesn’t see it. I’ve tried telling him but he changes the subject. He won’t put mum into care as he doesn’t want to spent the money yet at the same time he says he’s got to keep all the money incase she goes in a home but he really is using this as an excuse as he has always been tight-fisted. He has enough money and space to have a live in career but says he doesn’t want anyone living in his house.

I don’t know what I’ve achieved by writing such a long and (probably boring) thread but I am so bloody miserable and am getting to the point I dread going to my parents to see them.

I am about to take mum to the day centre then going to the bank with dad as he’s swooped over banks and wants me to help him make as much money as he can and I’ll just have to sit there with a fake smile on my face.

Never thought my life would have be o e so bloody miserable in middle age and it all being down to my parents!

[Fast800]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Life is so shit some times.

Do you think it’s time your Mum to go into a home? Your whole family sounds exhausted.

Your Dad is probably feeling trapped, guilty and worried about his financial future. 20 years ago £45 would have been a lot and his financial mind is probably still there. This doesn’t excuse him being an arse.

[Silverumbrella]

@Fast800

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Life is so shit some times.

Do you think it’s time your Mum to go into a home? Your whole family sounds exhausted.

Your Dad is probably feeling trapped, guilty and worried about his financial future. 20 years ago £45 would have been a lot and his financial mind is probably still there. This doesn’t excuse him being an arse.

I think being in a home would scare mum atm and I know the main bulk of the visiting would fall on me.

I’m trying to get dad to agree for mum to get some respite in a home to get an idea of what it could/would be like but he won’t agree to spend the money!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Some practical things, because that’s the way my brain works, so skip my post if it’s not helpful. Does your Mum have her own bank account? If not, use your PoA to open one for her, with as little fanfare as possible. If she isn’t getting Attendance Allowance, apply for it,and get it paid into her account. It’s not means tested.That would pay for another day at the day centre, and do her good, getting away from him. If asked, say it’s free, or that you paid.

I’d be tempted to make help for him conditional on him helping her.

Have you had a social services assessment for your mum? Sometimes an “official”assessment of needs carries more weight.

I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress. And you’re not under untold stress now?

[Fast800]

I think it’s time for you and your sister to be brutally honest with your Dad. You and your sister need to be on the same page, this isn’t always easy and can be half the battle. You need to tell Dad that you two can’t keep up the level of support your offering now but you can help him find a lovely cleaner who can come in and do the cleaning and wash the clothes. The same with gardening if needed. You need to stick with it. You also need to be very clear that not using Mum’s money to pay for things she needs is not fair and it’s abuse.

[SignoraVolpe]

I would firmly say to your df that if he doesn’t start paying for more care for your dm then he’ll be doing it all himself.
Then tell the morning carer that you and your dsis are not visiting for a week.
Let him see what life is like without help.

My df is 93 and lives alone, he refuses to go into a care home and thinks his dc should visit continually.
We don’t because we all live away. He gets a carer in the morning and complains about the cost. I’m pretty tough on him because he was utterly selfish as a df growing up.
He really could have a lovely life if he spent some of his savings but he’s too tight so it’s his own problem.

[Silverumbrella]

@MereDintofPandiculation

Some practical things, because that’s the way my brain works, so skip my post if it’s not helpful. Does your Mum have her own bank account? If not, use your PoA to open one for her, with as little fanfare as possible. If she isn’t getting Attendance Allowance, apply for it,and get it paid into her account. It’s not means tested.That would pay for another day at the day centre, and do her good, getting away from him. If asked, say it’s free, or that you paid.

I’d be tempted to make help for him conditional on him helping her.

Have you had a social services assessment for your mum? Sometimes an “official”assessment of needs carries more weight.

I can override his decision but that is so much easier said than done. It would cause untold stress. And you’re not under untold stress now?

Thank you.

Mum does have AA, it is enough to cover the day centre and the carer to come Mon-Fri. This is what frustrates me the most, dad moans and groans about the cost of these two things yet he, so far, hasn’t had to pay for anything from their money as the has AA covered it, I’ve said to him that it’s mum’s money not his and certainly not his to accumulate. He allowed it to build up for the first year ffs!

We have had a SS assessment but due to them have so much of their own money they can’t get any help.

Mum does have her own account, this is what we are setting up this afternoon, separate accounts as they had a joint account. I will talk to dad again but I can’t empathise enough just how awkward and stubborn he is, if I go over his head he will make such a fuss and make my life much harder than it already is.

[Silverumbrella]

@Fast800

I think it’s time for you and your sister to be brutally honest with your Dad. You and your sister need to be on the same page, this isn’t always easy and can be half the battle. You need to tell Dad that you two can’t keep up the level of support your offering now but you can help him find a lovely cleaner who can come in and do the cleaning and wash the clothes. The same with gardening if needed. You need to stick with it. You also need to be very clear that not using Mum’s money to pay for things she needs is not fair and it’s abuse.

It’s is part of the battle due to the fact dad and my sister are quite alike and she often takes his side although due to me taking a back seat (a little) from my responsibilities and handing some over to her she feels the stress that I have been under these last 4 odd years so she is getting more frustrated with dad.
I’ve tried until I am blue in the face suggesting a gardener etc (dad says no way because he is capable and the moment he has a gardener he may as well give up!), dsis is a cleaner so says she is happy to clean the house (although spends the rest of her time moaning about doing so!).

My dad gets very angry whatever I suggest. I’m not well with various health issues, I’m knackered and just do not have it in me to be battling all the time, it’s a horrible vicious cycle that I’m stuck in.
I have tried being firm and having conversations about it all but whatever I say or suggest falls on deaf ears. I ended up shouting at him yesterday (which I have never done so before) and he responded by not speaking to me the whole afternoon. That’s how childish he gets.

[CharlotteLightandDark]

Easy for us to say I know but I’d arrange things anyway and just let him shout and sulk. Short term pain for long term gain!

[Silverumbrella]

@SignoraVolpe

I would firmly say to your df that if he doesn’t start paying for more care for your dm then he’ll be doing it all himself.
Then tell the morning carer that you and your dsis are not visiting for a week.
Let him see what life is like without help.

My df is 93 and lives alone, he refuses to go into a care home and thinks his dc should visit continually.
We don’t because we all live away. He gets a carer in the morning and complains about the cost. I’m pretty tough on him because he was utterly selfish as a df growing up.
He really could have a lovely life if he spent some of his savings but he’s too tight so it’s his own problem.

Sounds very much like my father. He has always been quite selfish and I’m sure there is some form of narcissistic behaviour going on but I can’t just give up seeing them because it would mean my mum would end up neglected and she doesn’t deserve that, she was a wonderful, caring mum and I need to be there for her but the endless banging my head against the wall because of my dad is making a difficult situation so much harder.

I will have some time on my own with my dad today, I will try to talk to him and explain that things need to change and we need a stricter plan moving forward. I don’t hold up much hope but fingers crossed.

[MaverickBoon]

This sounds absolutely exhausting, OP. Do you have any other family members who might have influence with him, e.g. anyone of his generation, or a friend, former work colleague etc?

As a pp said, you're already under untold stress so tbh I would be going down the route of using be PoA because otherwise what's the point of having it, really?

Do your mum and dad have wills?

[endofthelinefinally]

If they were younger everyone would be calling out the financial abuse and coercive control. Yes, you must involve social services.

[EyeOfTheCat]

This sounds like such hard work OP. I watched my Mum care for my Nan in her old age, my Nan was like your Dad. Refused all help and made helping her a battle in itself. Atleast my Nan was ultimately the one that was impacted whereas your Dads actions also have a consequence for you Mum, who sounds like she would be better supported and happier with some of the ideas you have.

For many people a barrier to help is finances. So it must be really frustrating that they have the means just not willingness to spend it!

If your Mum already has a willing and competent carer who could do more - could you ask her to do washing or cleaning? So she’s just around a bit, your dad sounds so mean.

[Silverumbrella]

MaverickBoon he’s fallen out with all his friends. I made an appointment with an Admiral nurse but he refused to join the video call so I ended up on my own, he won’t take on board anything anyone says. I’ve had SS in twice but they won’t help at all because they have too much money. I’ve tried Alzheimer’s U.K. and they suggested several dementia cafes and support groups but he won’t go to any.
I am just about to leave to take mum to the day centre then join him at the bank. I will try and talk to him again this afternoon.
Yes, they have wills.

[Silverumbrella]

@endofthelinefinally

If they were younger everyone would be calling out the financial abuse and coercive control. Yes, you must involve social services.

Yes and I absolutely believe that is exactly what this is. AND most of it is mums’s money ffs!

[EyeOfTheCat]

@endofthelinefinally

If they were younger everyone would be calling out the financial abuse and coercive control. Yes, you must involve social services.

Social services won’t step in - OP is picking up the slack and it sounds like her mum is well cared for. But only because OP and her sister are taking much of the strain.

Social services step in once things have broken down - not before.

[RoadToPlants]

I agree it sounds like coercive control and financial abuse. I’m so sorry OP.

I agree you need to get SS involved here to support what is in your mums best interests. You might have to harden your hide to your dad and grey rock him.

Fundamentally that is your mums money and it is abusive for him to with hold it from her to make her comfortable. So what if he gets a cob on, he’s stressing you out anyway.

[EyeOfTheCat]

@Silverumbrella

Yes and I absolutely believe that is exactly what this is. AND most of it is mums’s money ffs!

You’re not wrong. He’s withholding funds that would benefit your Mum, from your Mum.

[Silverumbrella]

EyeOfTheCat he is so mean and as much as I feel for him I also despise they way he is. Mum could do with so many things to help her be more comfortable but he sees it all as a waste of money. It’s not as though he’s even spending much on himself, he’s just happy for it to sit accumulating in their bank and stressing that he needs to keep it all invested for when mum goes in a home, he is fully prepared for life in the here and now to be uncomfortable because of an IF situation.

[Silverumbrella]

@EyeOfTheCat

Social services won’t step in - OP is picking up the slack and it sounds like her mum is well cared for. But only because OP and her sister are taking much of the strain.

Social services step in once things have broken down - not before.

Exactly and I can not allow my mum to become neglected so that SS can help, that would make me as bad as him. I popped in at 4pm on Saturday and mum was still in her pj’s, he said he couldn’t be bothered to shower and dress her as she made a fuss so let her sit in her nightmare all day. That would be my mum’s future if I or my sister stood back.

[LikelyLight]

I have no advice OP, I just hope it was cathartic for you to get your thoughts and feelings expressed here and some at least partial solution becomes apparent.

[MaverickBoon]

@Silverumbrella

Yes and I absolutely believe that is exactly what this is. AND most of it is mums’s money ffs!

Possibly a daft question but playing devil's advocate, is it technically just your Mum's money or is it joint? I know your Grandad left it to your mum but given she's married (and put it into a joint account) does that mean it becomes a joint asset?

[Millersmerkin]

Could you call your local safeguarding team? They may have a different take from the care services as dealing with abuse should not be means tested

[EyeOfTheCat]

@Silverumbrella

EyeOfTheCat he is so mean and as much as I feel for him I also despise they way he is. Mum could do with so many things to help her be more comfortable but he sees it all as a waste of money. It’s not as though he’s even spending much on himself, he’s just happy for it to sit accumulating in their bank and stressing that he needs to keep it all invested for when mum goes in a home, he is fully prepared for life in the here and now to be uncomfortable because of an IF situation.

That must be so hard. I’m a firm believer in making life as comfortable as you can afford. Does he spend money on himself or does he apply the same logic as he does to his mum - you mentioned the mattress?

[endofthelinefinally]

Put in writing to SS that this is a safeguarding issue. You are not asking for money, you are asking for your mum to be safeguarded. Speak to Age UK and ask about the court of protection.

[Theeyeballsinthesky]

@Millersmerkin

Could you call your local safeguarding team? They may have a different take from the care services as dealing with abuse should not be means tested

This! Absolutely make a safeguarding referral. He is denying your mum the help & support she needs.

talk to hourglass the elder abuse charity. They will be able to talk it through & advise https://wearehourglass.org/