Getting mum in law to have a wash.

[gratefulforcousins]

My mother I law is living at ours for the foreseeable future, she is unable to remain at home as her care package has failed and she can't function in between visits and is constantly falling. We have a downstairs toilet qnd sink but no shower. She is in desperate need of a wash after being sweaty while she had covid and in the nicest possible way she needs to clean her self everywhere in every crevice. We are waiting for social services assessment to assist but she I refusing saying that she had a wash once a week at home. I have tried being blunt and offered help but she goes into a vapour and gets upset. I will not accept the smell and she is staying here in lieu of a care home so she does have to stick by some level of hygiene so we can live together. We are moving house in the next few months so we can't make any adaptations she can't do the stairs. She needs to wash , how dod I get her to do it.

Could you use the disabled facility at the local Leisure Centre?
They allowed us to take someone who needed adapted equipment to shower until we were sorted

"In this house we wash at least every X number of days".

Standing up bed bath (if she's able to stand up while hanging on to something) - stand her on a few bath/beach towels to soak up drips in a nice warm room, then flannel wash top to bottom with warm soapy water. Repeat with warm not soapy water and help her to dry. For dignity, encourage her to wash her private parts herself if it's safe to do so. Do as quickly as possible so she doesn't get cold. Hair can be washed separately over a sink, on a separate day if needed.

Is this something you are willing to take on? It sounds like you are a sticking plaster - it sounds harsh but you should have let the carers fail so It can be seen how things are.

Just to add, I find it helpful to explain exactly what we're going to do beforehand so the person being helped doesn't get surprised or wrong footed. And keep a close eye on them during and immediately afterwards, changing body temperatures during washing can apparently cause blood pressure to misbehave in elderly people and thus increase the risk of a fall.

You can get wipes, probably the easiest if she is frail.

This is just for an interim, hopefully she will eventually go into a care home carers will hopefully be coming in the meantime till we find somewhere. Local leisure centre have agreed .....she however just won't.

https://www.freshwipes.co.uk/?gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI8fD5zZG9gwMVp5RQBh1DOQCKEAAYASAAEgLBbPDD_BwE

Body wipes to help with cleaning.

Nurses are also trained to do a bed bath - use towels and a small-ish bowl of soapy water then clear water.

3 times a week I get my Mum to sit on a chair in her bedroom i bring in a bowl of soapy water she put her feet in. Then gradually get her to wash other bits. Drying as we go along

It's not so much the washing it's the getting her to do it! Quite honestly it can't go on it stinks and is a disgusting way to carry on. I have a little boy to look after too.

So she's saying she washed once a week at home?

How long has it been since she washed - it sounds like more than a week?

What does she say if you reply to her saying she washes once a week with 'yes, and it's now been 10 days' or whatever?

If I'm honest, I've no idea what you do. I know my DPs have a similar battle with my DGM, that and washing clothes.

If carers in your home are imminent, would she react better to 'the carer on Tuesday and Friday mornings is coming to help you wash.'

Do you think it's that she can't do it alone and is mortified at the thought of you helping her?

“She goes into a vapour and gets upset” - so you’re in a battle of wills here, and she wins by turning on the waterworks? And there’s no downside to her in her refusing to wash? How tough are you prepared to get? What else do you do for her that you could bargain with?

I assume your DH isn’t being very helpful.

I can also see that being 'the old lady taken to wash at the leisure centre, whatever will people think?!' might be a barrier.

Can you and DH carry her upstairs if you have a shower up there that she would be able to use alone? My DGM occasionally needs to get up a flight of stairs at a relatives home, and she can't do it. She doesn't weigh much, so she sits on a dining chair and two people (one above, one below) carry the chair up with her on it.

@gratefulforcousins can she go back to her own home to use the facilities there?? she would most likely get an assessment done quicker if she was actually living on her own. there is never any rush if patient is being looked after at a relatives house. what part of her care is your husband doing or are you having to do it all?????

Why has your husband outsourced this task to you?!

Perhaps everyone finds it more comfortable for an elderly woman to be assisted with personal hygiene by someone of her own sex?

Will she use baby wipes at all? That might help in the short term.

This is so hard. Does she have mental capacity or is she living with a dementia condition?

If you brought her a bowl of warm water, some soap and a cloth and told her that you can stay to help or be back in half an hour to empty the mucky water, would she do it knowing that the stuff is already there for her to wash with?

I would be letting her know that if she wants to continue to stay there whether short or long term, she will be washing regularly and there are no ifs buts or coconuts about it

Oh Lord, this is hard. We have had the same. MIL did not ever wash or brush her teeth, despite saying she did.

Dh was mortified about it and just not able to tell her to wash, that she smelled. It is really tricky.

So I washed all her clothes when she came to stay with us, and booked her hairdresser (she washed MIL's hair). But the rest? Gah.

You could try saying to her that you have noticed she smells, and you will help her to wash.

Good luck.

Your DH is going to have to explain to her that she washes or she stays elsewhere.

Sometimes aging means that the child becomes the parent and in the same way that you wouldn't let your child not wash for a week, he cannot let his mum do this either.

Time for him to put his parenting pants on and parent his mother; not easy but necessary.

There's probably a mix of offence / defensiveness and denial about it...She's not had complaints before so why now, kind of thing...

She might find it physically difficult and uncomfortable to wash. I'd look at mobility aids to help and see if a carer or nurse can come and show her how to use them. There are reachers to help people wash their backs for example, and shower stools etc. Theres a recent thread about things people with physical disabilities have bought which have helped them a lot and you could read that/ ask there.

You can still install a couple of grab handles for her and then remove them before you leave (polyfil and paint over).

I'd also make sure that the water temperature and room temperature are comfortable. She might need the room much warmer than usual, especially if she takes time washing. Older skin is delicate skin and older joints are painful joints so make sure she has soft towels and flannels (baby bamboo ones are so so soft).

Speak to AGE UK for advice too.

Will she accept new deodrant? I'd get some long lasting anti perspirant for her like Mitcham to use. Are clothes natural materials? Will she like having some new clothes made of breathable cotton and wool?

Oh here we go. Didn’t take long.

Could you perhaps get carers in to was her daily while she's staying with you?

Maybe if you try reeeally hard, you can imagine why OP’s husband might not be the best person for the job of trying to get his elderly Mum to have a wash, when it sounds like she is already very embarrassed about the subject.

It’s fair to ask why the OP’s husband isn’t at least part of the solution, if not for intimate care.

Op did she regularly wash before ? I mean before she was frail ? Is the refusal to wash because it's become difficult or does she just thing once a week is quite sufficient and doesn't want to wash any more than that. Scenario a is easier to solve than scenario b