child in conflict with teachers

[innercity]

DS is quite socially adapt, though quirky and with a slightly unusual sense of humour (just like his dad). His class had a succession of unlucky situations with teachers (lots of supply, teachers getting ill, going on maternity leave, etc). I supported him at home in his learning and he’s doing well.

This year the school finally cracked down on the fact that the class is behind (esp in literacy) and assigned two experienced teachers who do a job share. Now, the problem emerged that he is constantly told off by the teachers and is extremely unhappy. Literally every Monday he cries and doesn’t want to go to school (though he likes his friends there and wouldn’t want to leave). Still every morning there is a problem.

Today’s parent evening revealed the situation to be quite bad (I didn’t realize how bad). I couldn’t recognize DS in how the teachers were describing him. They had, I would say, no sense of who he is and painted a picture in which some arrogant little bastard is dismissive and rude – especially to academically weak pupils. I felt they’ve put him (and me) into a box “arrogant smartie” and were quite aggressive. Not a single good word about him was uttered. He is not at all the smartest kid in the class or anything like it and in fact he doesn’t have a very high self-esteem. He is quite quirky and I have to say we’re both foreign with a very different cultural background (to English) which can I imagine result in some miscommunication. For him, English is a SL. Still, the teachers pointed out how he finds it difficult to do group work with the weakest children (and remain positive and kind and approving of their ideas) – presumably because of having a very high opinion about himself.

The school is an inner city East London school in a relatively deprived neighborhood with a lot of disadvantaged and vulnerable children. It has a very good reputation and is very good in dealing with bullying; generally there is a very positive atmosphere.

I am totally confused about what to do. I feel that being a weaker and a disadvantaged child is better there than being a stronger and less evidently struggling pupil. I also think it might be quite difficult for a 8yo to always remain positive when he might not be interested / can get frustrated. I fear that he is punished for being bright and slightly unusual. I also feel he is being hammered into some sort of enforced niceness. Don’t get me wrong, it is good being nice and I enjoy people being nice to me which starts in primary school, but he recently told me that now he knows how to avoid conflict at school: never tell what you think but always say: “how nice, this is great”. I think this is awful if this is the result of schooling at the age of 8.

Sorry this is long! Would appreciate any opinions.

[innercity]

Stupid question: if the psychotherapist makes a statement for the school or goes into school, what kind of record will it have on his file and how can it affect him in the future? For instance, in references for secondary schools if he is ever going to need one.
Can or shall I ask for it to be confidential? Any advice here? Thanks!

[innercity]

Hulababy I was focusing on his anxiety - I thought that was the reason he was crying. I only realised it was so bad in school at the parent meeting - they never got in touch before and it's not easy to chat with the teachers after the school day anymore. I now spoke to both the teacher and SENCO. I didn't even know there was a pastoral care person in the school! I hope it changes things but - what would they do differently? Stop shouting at him?

[innercity]

I am also thinking if I shall home educate him for a while (I work from home a lot of the time).

[flyingbebe]

Maybe you could ask the teachers to keep in touch by email/letters/home book so that you know before it gets to that point. It could suggest a way of communicating with the teachers regularly, like you said it's hard to talk to teachers after school now, so you can keep each other up to date.

[cory]

Speaking personally, and as another foreign mum, I think the cultural difference thing is a bit of a red herring. Basically, he is here now, it is your job and that of the school to show him what will upset and hurt people in this culture. The fact that it might not upset and hurt somebody somewhere else is irrelevant.

But the main reason you should focus away from the cultural thing is that it is taking your attention away from the real problem: that your ds is unhappy and anxious. This is where you should focus. That should take all your energy. It does sound rather as if something has happened for him to change so suddenly and as if he needs help.

There are things the SENCO can do and even more so if the school has a qualified school counsellor. They can talk to him gently, find out what the problem is, help him to express his anxieties, help him to think of ways of handling his anxieties at school. It is well worth doing.

Having been seen by a psychotherapist will not leave any kind of record that could count against him in later years. Even if people knew (which they won't) they wouldn't care- it's incredibly common and not stigmatised in any way.

My dd has had frequent involvement from counsellors and the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (severe anxiety issues); it's not something she has had to reveal to secondary, college, or will have to reveal when she applies to university. She tells people when she feels they need to know.