Has anyone given up work to focus on IVF?

[AnnaLCox]

Hi
I am in a bit of a difficult situation. I have been doing solo fertility treatment on and off for over 3 years now. I have had three early losses and, late last year, had a traumatic miscarriage at just under 8 weeks which resulted in a haemorrhage and blood / plasma transfusions. I was left severely anaemic, though have finally got my haemoglobin back up into normal range. I turned 45 this month, and have 3 embryos left (these were made some time ago now). My clinic has given the green light for me to go ahead again but the difficulty I have is that, when I was pregnant last year, I felt very unwell, both physically and mentally - nausea every day, barely eating, and the hormones made me very depressed (normally, in terms of mental health, I suffer occasional anxiety but am otherwise fine). My work are aware of my last miscarriage and have cottoned on I'm doing IVF and, whilst on the surface of things are sympathetic, the vibe I'm getting is that my ongoing fertility journey is somewhat of an inconvenience. I work in the corporate world, 40 hours a week and am required in the London office 3 days a week (I live 80 miles away - just over an hour by train into London - but train issues are frequent). I know this sounds like not the most sensible thing in the world to do, and trust me I've been sensible all my life - have studied and worked hard since my mid teens in one capacity or another), but I'm starting to think the only way forward for me in terms of really giving pregnancy a shot, is to leave my job. If I get pregnant again, and I am unwell again, I simply would not be able to go into the office, so would end up being sacked at some point anyway, or best case scenario I'd have to go off sick and then I'd feel guilty / stressed anyway. I have made considerable overpayments on my mortgage, so could most likely get a mortgage break from my bank for some time if I were pregnant. I guess I'm looking for a sense check here. I'm conscious I only have one life, it's now or never really due to my age, and my work and pregnancy just aren't compatible!

[Loopytiles]

Very sorry for your fertility struggles. Wouldn’t quit work as it’s unlikely to ‘make the difference’ with respect to conception and pregnancy and whatever the outcome financial stability is important.

[AnnaLCox]

@Loopytiles thanks for your message. Yes, I understand that in terms of conception it won't matter whether I'm working or not, it's pregnancy that I'm concerned about due to the fact that I had such a bad experience of it last time and I live so far from my office (I've considered moving but London is extortionate these days and it's not a good option). Maybe the getting pregnant and then going off sick (should I end up having the same bad experience) is a better option. I certainly don't underestimate the importance of finance.

[Lengokengo]

I knew someone who did this, but she had a husband. Also worked in a demanding job, but was completely distracted by all her fertility, to huge detriment to her work. She didn’t end up getting pregnant even after leaving work.

i would strongly urge you to stay at work. You will have far far more options , for both you and future baby. If you leave it will be so so so much harder to get things back. Don’t underestimate the value of going back into a known position after mat leave and financial stability. Especially if you have 2 to think about.

[Sallysoup]

Can you afford to fund the whole pregnancy, maternity period, and secure a childcare place whilst job hunting after maternity if you quit now? So possibly 18-24 months in total?

[AnnaLCox]

@Lengokengo ah yes, if only another income could be factored into my decision! In that case, they'd be no decision at all. Whilst it is very unlikely I'd go back to my current job after having a child (due to it being so far away and me being a solo parent), it certainly is true that the income I get from that job would be welcome for 9 months of pregnancy. Thanks for your comments.

[AnnaLCox]

@Sallysoup Hi Sally - thanks for your comments. I could afford to have a long mortgage holiday of around 18 months I'd say (based on me using my overpayments). I have savings so could cover my general living costs for some time - always hard to say how long as you just never know what life is going to throw at you. I think, having read the comments so far, I will be better staying put until I get pregnant and then playing it by ear with my company - if I'm too ill to go in to my job, there will have to be some form of discussion/negotiation.

[siameselife]

I have been through ivf and therefore do understand some of the challenges.

But no OP I don't think you should give up work.

There is sadly no guarantee that the procedure will work and being jobless, broke and without your longed for baby would not be a good place to be.

If it does work you are going to be solely responsible for another person and again being broke and jobless isn't going to be a good start.

Best of luck with your treatment.

[twoforwardandtwoback]

Hey, Op - I have been through many years of fertility treatment and pregnancy losses myself and had the same thought process.

I completely get where you're coming from - even having more headspace to focus on IVF and not to have to think about work feels like it would be beneficial. In the end I decided not to leave my job as I felt like there was a very real chance of ending up with no job and no baby. Plus, I think my routine of work has actually helped keep me sane through the losses.

However, my employer is supportive and I know would support me in whatever way I needed to get through treatment and a healthy pregnancy. I'm sorry that yours isn't as supportive.

Could you perhaps take a period of unpaid leave instead? That was my potential plan if I did another round.

[AnnaLCox]

@twoforwardandtwoback thanks for your input. I do think having a supportive employer makes all the difference. Mine is but only to an extent. The reality is that I can't find anyone relatable to speak to at my company so I feel very alone and isolated there. I do like the idea of an extended period of unpaid leave though - that could enable me to do treatment and, if pregnant, have a first trimester without stress at least. I don't know if it's a realistic option but I will raise it after Easter.

[Loopytiles]

If your company isn’t totally supportive would seek support elsewhere and give them ‘need to know’ information. Like your idea of taking pregnancy related sick leave should you need it.

[Loopytiles]

With unpaid leave would be careful to ensure that you have the ‘right to return’.

[haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain]

I think you need to try and keep the job. I know it's tempting to give up the job. Would you be able to request more wfh?

[AnAwfulPerson]

Definitely don't give up work at least until you're pregnant. It would be very silly. You'd then be trying to get back into the labour market whilst also trying to deal with sorting childcare, raising a baby or toddler, etc. What would you do if you couldn't get another job? At least if you're employed whilst pregnant you have some protection in terms of mat leave.

[whatajoke26]

I know someone who asked for a year off, like a gap year. He had been working for the company for a number of years and wanted to go travelling, after a nasty divorce. They agreed. You could ask for something similar? Mind you, he was middle leadership so not very important but still hard to replace

[AnnaLCox]

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain unfortunately my company are trying to get people in more and more now and wfh more than 2 days a week isn’t an option. All the top dogs there have huge houses near the office in West London as well as second homes in the country, and in general are not in touch with the real world. When I was pregnant last year I could barely make it out the house many days but, at the same time, there must be some sort of legal protection for pregnant people and the fact is I’m perfectly capable of doing my job from home.

[AnnaLCox]

@whatajoke26 im going to explore the extended leave option but I’m not hopeful as they’d have to get cover in for me and my company are crap with recruitment, it seems to take them months replacing anyone.

[haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain]

Yes I'd get a risk assessment done for the next pregnancy. Also worth checking out "pregnant then screwed"

[CurlyWurly1991]

You are legally protected for time off ill while pregnant, so if you conceive and are then too unwell to get to the office then you will either need fo WFH or be signed off. It would be madness to leave your job in my opinion - we have decent maternity rights here and you are entitled not to be discriminated against on the basis of pregnancy.

[Mumof1andacat]

See if you can take a career break or sabbatical. Might only be 3 months they will allow. I work for the nhs. We can take up to 3 months I think.

[AnnaLCox]

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain thanks for the advice - is a Risk Assessement something an employer does or the NHS? Either way, that sounds like a good idea.

[AnnaLCox]

@CurlyWurly1991 you’re right. I don’t know why I’m feeling so anxious / guilty about it because the reality is that I’ve given 6 years to this company and gone above and beyond on more occasions than I can remember.

[haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain]

@AnnaLCox

@haveyoutriedturningitoffandonagain thanks for the advice - is a Risk Assessement something an employer does or the NHS? Either way, that sounds like a good idea.

The employer should do one when you notify then you are pregnant

[CurlyWurly1991]

@AnnaLCox

@CurlyWurly1991 you’re right. I don’t know why I’m feeling so anxious / guilty about it because the reality is that I’ve given 6 years to this company and gone above and beyond on more occasions than I can remember.

I wish you the very best. You owe nothing to your employer and certainly don’t need to feel guilty, it is also none of their business really.
put yourself first, second, and third in this situation!

[Zippedydoodahday]

The problem with a period of unpaid leave is that it could then impact your maternity pay. I'd stay as you are until you get pregnant. Then if necessary due to sickness etc you can go off sick and/or negotiate remote working as a reasonable adjustment by asking your GP to recommend it on a fit note.

I wouldn't use up your mortgage overpayments and savings now as you may well need those as a single parent.

[DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats]

Hi OP. You never know but you may not even feel ill through another pregnancy. I wish you all the best x