Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He spoke to me after 2 years

38 replies

WhatSusieDidNext · 14/04/2024 08:31

Separated 2 years ago. Divorced nearly a year.

Silent treatment was an issue in the relationship and him ignoring me for 3 weeks was the catalyst for me filing. He then didn’t speak to me for 2 years, even in front of the kids.

Last week when I was collecting DD from his, he spoke to me, just a sentence about how her teddy was at a friend’s house.

Obviously it’s good if he’s going to be civil, but it’s completely thrown me. It’s got me wondering if I should have left…would things have improved if I stayed? Or is this just another aspect of his control because the silence isn’t effective now I’m in my own house.

I know it’s silly, but I’m really spiralling and could do with some support .

OP posts:
CaraMiaMonCher · 14/04/2024 08:34

Get a grip woman, it’s taken him two years to speak one sentence to you and you’re now spiralling about whether you should have divorced him. Are you serious?

RandomMess · 14/04/2024 08:46

Geez he was regularly giving you the silent treatment which is ABUSE

No, you staying wouldn't have stopped him abusing you.

Newbegg · 14/04/2024 09:05

@WhatSusieDidNext oh it's just thrown you and shown you a little bit of the old him. But two years of silent treatment, must of been challenging. This resonates with my situation, almost two months and not a word or reply to my messages, just about the kids. It's so childish. Both parents talking can only, in my eyes, have a positive impact on the kids involved. Just remember why you walked and how far you have came in the two years of silence.

bradpittsbathwater · 14/04/2024 09:06

He sounds like a spiteful twat.

ObliviousCoalmine · 14/04/2024 09:07

Therapy, now.

newmenewday · 14/04/2024 09:10

Things would not have got any better. He's an abusive twat. You did absolutely the right thing by leaving. Can you afford counselling?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/04/2024 09:21

He is an abusive man who is trying to draw you back in. He didn't do it by apologising for his past behaviour. He just mentioned your daughter's toy. That is not an apology. That is not regret on his part. He is not acknowledging his part in the divorce. you really should not be drawn into this now. Celebrate being free instead.

ChampagneNightmares · 14/04/2024 09:29

I can understand why it has upset you and caused you to question things. Have you had any counselling after the divorce? It's really worth it if you haven't.

I agree totally that this is just him being a twat because he knows the silent treatment doesn't work anymore.

Even though my ex and I are still civil, there are still lots of little mind games etc being played by him. I've noticed a pattern where his behaviour towards me changes depending on what is going on with other stuff in my life (If I've got something positive happening then he is a twat basically). It's just a case of ignoring and rising above it all.

Original poster
WhatSusieDidNext · 14/04/2024 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely needed some sense talking into me. I think it’s all tied up with the lack of closure. I have had some therapy but I think I probably need some more…

OP posts:
ChampagneNightmares · 14/04/2024 10:28

WhatSusieDidNext · 14/04/2024 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely needed some sense talking into me. I think it’s all tied up with the lack of closure. I have had some therapy but I think I probably need some more…

I don't think you ever really get the closure. Or it comes in dribs and drabs over time when you look back at things/other things come out.

It is probably easy just now to think if you had just done XYZ then you could have saved the marriage. When really, what you'll probably find looking back over your marriage was that you and your ex weren't compatible and your ex shut you down constantly and wasn't able to talk about anything on an emotional level.

I won't lie, what helped bring me closure was eventually finding out that my ex had an affair. He never told me himself, it was a neighbour who used to work with him and his OW accidentally let slip a year after we split! But suddenly all of his gaslighting and twatty behaviour made sense. You will find that closure eventually OP. Even if it is just accepting he wasn't the one for you.

CaraMiaMonCher · 14/04/2024 10:30

WhatSusieDidNext · 14/04/2024 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely needed some sense talking into me. I think it’s all tied up with the lack of closure. I have had some therapy but I think I probably need some more…

We don’t get closure from other people, it comes from inside ourselves, when we actively choose ourselves and close the book.

bradpittsbathwater · 14/04/2024 10:30

You'll never get the closure you want from a nasty abusive person. Keep him at arms length.

Gettingbysomehow · 14/04/2024 10:33

No! My exH of 20 years was a silent man. Sometimes a week at a time. He never, ever changed except when I divorced him and he realised he wasn't getting the house because I owned it outright before I met him and he lost his job. He had also realised that the cushy life he had before was gone.
So naturally he started talking to me and then surprise surprise wanted to come back. I told him to get stuffed.
He's now treating his new wife in exactly the same way.

Gettingbysomehow · 14/04/2024 10:35

Also he's been giving you the silent treatment for the last two years after you left to "punish" you. He's pathetic.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/04/2024 11:20

Please go to see a therapist to process his abuse.

I know a little bit about what you mean- when you get a glimpse of decency from him you can cling onto it (probably like you used to do in the relationship) but he's a horrible man and you're better off far away from him

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/04/2024 11:20

WhatSusieDidNext · 14/04/2024 10:20

Thanks for all the replies. I definitely needed some sense talking into me. I think it’s all tied up with the lack of closure. I have had some therapy but I think I probably need some more…

You will never ever ever ever get closure from him. Let that idea go

IncompleteSenten · 14/04/2024 11:23

He gave you two years of silence then spoke one sentence to you and your first thought is maybe I shouldn't have left him?

I know it's easy to say get more therapy and not easy to access these days but you should definitely try really hard because it would hopefully help

Houseinawood · 14/04/2024 11:27

CaraMiaMonCher · 14/04/2024 08:34

Get a grip woman, it’s taken him two years to speak one sentence to you and you’re now spiralling about whether you should have divorced him. Are you serious?

This.

Ive been divorced from my abusive ex for nearly 9 years. He has silent years and then friendly. It’s always when he wants something.

I know he regrets his actions and what he did. He even broke down about 5 years after and told me how sorry he was etc

I am very very wary of him. I’m civil, polite and friendly and I am in control. But I catch myself looking at him sometimes at drop offs thinking we could have been so happy. When you are nice you are lovely and I do love you. But he’s a coin and it’s heads and tails - heads nice and friendly and tails - abusive silent and threatening or downright shit - and I can never tell which side of the coin he will be and you can’t have one without the other.

He didn’t talk to you for 3 weeks and then silence for 2 years - you are blessed. Keep it that way. If he wants to punish you by being silent let him be. There’s a brilliant video by Dr Ramani? About narcissists and how some go NC and punish you if you dare to challenge them - look on YouTube - different narcs do different things.

TheLurpackYears · 14/04/2024 11:29

Don't go near a therapist, go straight to your local domestic abuse charity and talk to them. They will leave you in no doubt thay he is abusive and will beable to offer you support that will help you remain strong.
Ringing the Samaritans is also helpful ime, they listen and asked a few sensible questions, not like therapy when you will be churned up at a time you need to work on stability.

Whattodowithit88 · 14/04/2024 11:30

This has got to be a joke thread? Get a grip! He hasn’t spoken to you in two years and one sent an e in your wondering if you could have made it work? I’m sorry, but that’s so many levels of batshit crazy. Give your head a wobble, this man’s a joke.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 14/04/2024 11:31

My long-time ex-husband was a lazy, selfish man who wouldn't work.
Many years later - he's still a lazy, selfish man who never worked.
They don't change.
Concentrate on making a good life for yourself and your daughter 💐

RiffRaffBananas · 14/04/2024 11:32

Things aren’t going well in his life so he is throwing you a bone to play with you for his own amusement.

You divorced him for a reason. Say that to yourself every day for the rest of your life.

coastalhawk · 14/04/2024 11:42

CaraMiaMonCher · 14/04/2024 08:34

Get a grip woman, it’s taken him two years to speak one sentence to you and you’re now spiralling about whether you should have divorced him. Are you serious?

This. (But without judgement, abuse messes with your head!)

coastalhawk · 14/04/2024 11:42

Not saying PP was judging, just clarifying my tone xx

ChampagneNightmares · 14/04/2024 12:09

TheLurpackYears · 14/04/2024 11:29

Don't go near a therapist, go straight to your local domestic abuse charity and talk to them. They will leave you in no doubt thay he is abusive and will beable to offer you support that will help you remain strong.
Ringing the Samaritans is also helpful ime, they listen and asked a few sensible questions, not like therapy when you will be churned up at a time you need to work on stability.

I disagree. You NEED to churn yourself up and go through the proper healing process instead of ignoring it and taking the same mistakes into future relationships. It's like snapping a broken bone back into place.

I only had six sessions of therapy that I was able to access through work but that was better than nothing. Even if you cannot afford/access therapy, there are loads of books about relationships ending. Lots of social media accounts giving advice. Lots of videos to watch on You tube. I've probably learned more through that kind of work than I did through therapy. It's not an easy process. But to me it is essential if you ever want to have a happy relationship in the future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread