So so lonely

[Cryingemoji]

Hi all,

Is anyone else in the early weeks of separation and want to chat?

I'm so dreadfully lonely. My h announced a month ago that he's leaving me after 25 years & 3dc. He's in the process of finding somewhere to rent.

I'm struggling so much with the lack of communication. We've gone from sharing everything to ignoring each other. Sitting in separate rooms and avoiding any conversation.

Thanks for reading x

Hi, I hear you... So sorry to hear about your separation. 25 years is such a long time. I am finding it difficult and it's only been 11 years for us. It feels like I don't know how to exist without him (not practically, just emotionally), and I hope this will get easier as the time goes by. The loneliness is killing me for years, and it makes me wonder if it will be less upsetting to be lonely because we are not together anymore, than being together and still feel lonely if it makes sense!!

It's so awkward to have to see each other every day, especially when there are 2 types of behaviour: ignoring you when you are alone, and being chatty/friendly when the kids are around. So fake and confusing. Sometimes when he feels like talking I want to scream at him to shut up - he only talks when it suits him. Hope I am not the only who is feeling like that!

Hang on in there xx

Thank you for replying.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position too.

I think I've been lonely for many years if I'm honest as we have grown apart but now I know it's actually over it's just so hard to accept.

I just feel completely blindsided by it all, I never thought he would actually leave.

It's excruciating keeping up with this joint silent treatment, if we do talk (very occasionally) it's usually him telling me how awful a wife I've been.

Hey @Cryingemoji. Sending you lots of love. I'm 11 weeks since stbxh told he he was unhappy (totally out of the blue), and 8 weeks since he left.

Please look after yourself and put your needs first. You're not alone x

You need to take very clear steps to protect yourself here.

have you got legal advice ? Id mot, arrange this today . Your solicitor will have clear instructions about not cooking or shopping for him or doing his laundry.

Try to go out as much as possible in the evenings. Id your kids are young enough to need looked aftre , agree with your husband what nights he will be in.

Go out all the rest of the time of have one of two of your female friends round. Or have family to yours or go to theirs.

Take up a night class, do some volunteering. Join a gym.

I know you don’t feel like it but that’s not the point. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you sitting around moping .

@SoRainbowRhythms Thank you x

@N0Tfunny I have another thread about my situation. Financially I'm going to be in a mess. I don't work currently, am desperately looking. We are renting a property from family, who are going to help in the short term but ultimately I need to get a job going forward.

I have family support but no friends unfortunately & as I'm not working I feel as if I am moping around most of the time. He knows this & probably gets a kick out of knowing I'm so miserable while he's working and going out and about x

Hello!

I thought I'd come and join in. Very recently separated, but it's been coming for about a year and we've half-heartedly tried again and again.

It's a bit of a blow tbh as I lost both of my parents last year, and now to lose dh after 20 years together.... it's just another loss.

On the plus side, we both massively care for each other and want as amicable a separation and eventually divorce as possible. We will be sharing the house for a good few months more. And if it works, then why not longer?! I give you full permission to remind me of this in a fortnight when I want to murder him!

I work full time, have two dc's at home and a small circle of friends. None of whom are single! So I guess I need to find more people in my situation, but how?!

I’m here @Cryingemoji. I’m on week 3 after H left unexpectedly after confessing infidelity.

He moved out quickly. We had been together for 24 years. He was my best friend.

I’m missing the messages he’d send me throughout the day. I’m missing telling him everything going on with me. I’ve had good news and gone to pick up my phone to tell him and felt sadness.

I’ve had medical investigations with good and bad news and he’s not enquired after me.

He’s dehumanising me to make it easier on himself. I have good close friends but they have busy lives. I don’t want to be the needy friend.

DD12 is currently low contact with H. If she starts overnights with him then I’m worried about how I’ll cope.

OP I hope he gets out soon, I can’t imagine H still being here. While him gone is hard, it would be awful if he was here.

He’s dehumanising me to make it easier on himself.

Oof. This got me @BoringNameChanges. Exactly what's happening to me. I'm sorry you're going through this x

What is he doing to you @SoRainbowRhythms ?

Tonight mine let himself in the house while we were out at an extracurricular activity. The door bell camera picked him and alerted me. I completely panicked because he hadn’t told me and I’d left notes of my counselling session out on the kitchen worktop.

I emailed him asking him to give notice before entering and he got nasty. It’s all about him. I had to explain why it caused me so much upset to get him to stand down.

I was trying to go grey rock so I am no longer exposing myself. I don’t want him to know my thoughts and feelings on anything any more.

Being difficult about money @BoringNameChanges. Always been his weakness. He didn't speak to his own brother for 2 years after a falling out about money. Should have noticed that red flag!

For context, I just want half of my house and I'll leave everything else alone, so I'm not being difficult back. He's just a dickhead it turns out.

Mine thinks it's all about him too, what's wrong with these men.

Thank you for the replies.

I feel like you @BoringNameChanges missing the messages he'd send me & general chats about our day. He just looks through me like I don't exist. This is no way to live. Shut in separate rooms, avoiding each other.

At this point I just want him gone.

@SoRainbowRhythms it's definitely all about him & his feelings. I had no idea he could be so selfish. I don't think he's spared a thought for dc in all this.

Hi

i feel like this. Maybe you’d like to PM me, any time about anything at all.

Don't know if anyone is around...

Feeling particularly down today, just by myself, while my dc is at school. I spent yesterday with family, but they're probably sick of the sight of me by now.

Ex and I are now just about on speaking terms, exchanging pleasantries when we pass by in the house. It's roughly three weeks till he leaves for his new place...

I find being alone the hardest part. When the kids are around you can keep yourself busy but when it's just you the silence and emptiness is overwhelming.

My H left 7 weeks ago tomorrow and I'm just hoping that what people say about giving it time is accurate cause currently I'm still in the thick of the all consuming thoughts and over analysing everything to the point of tormenting myself.

Can't imagine how difficult it is to have to cohabit whilst also trying to process all the different emotions we're going through.

I also feel like a huge burden on my family but they keep reassuring me that that's not the case at all so do what you need to do. If that means seeing them daily or venting in a message/chatting on the phone, whatever's needed, you'd do the same for them surely.

Thanks so much for replying. Sorry you're going through this too.

Yeah it's pretty awkward living in the same house still. Sitting in different rooms etc. I keep finding myself wanting to talk to him about random day to day stuff, but having to resist the urge.

It's good that you've got the support of family too. It's invaluable at a time like this. I don't think any of us can believe what's happening. I feel so embarrassed about everything & having to lay bare all my finances etc and have them helping me.

@Cryingemoji I understand the embarrassment and shame.
My family have been amazing and I'm so grateful but even they don't know the ins and outs.

We've got 4 kids and you automatically go into auto pilot/survival mode to try and shield them as much as possible.
When they're at school or in bed is when I fall to pieces.

My H technically left me but for 2 years things weren't right and I pleaded with him to work with me to fix us.
He spent those 2 years telling me it was all in my head & we'd be fine, he was my forever & I was his.

January came around and I thought I just can't do this for another year so told him I didn't want to carry on living the way we had been, I wanted my husband back.
He packed a bag and left & has now secured accommodation and has 2 out of 4 of our kids 2 nights a week.

The communication thing is so hard. When you go from a person not only being your husband but your best friend who was the first you speak to on a morning and last thing at night and everything in between it's almost impossible to just break that habit instantaneously.

You see something funny that you know they'd like or something happens with the kids or house and it's an automatic, ingrained response to reach out to them. It's rough and I've no advice as I struggle with it daily.

Did you have a better afternoon or find something to distract yourself with till the kids got home?

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's awful. By the my exH finally admitted his affair, I was so lonely within the relationship, that I knew being free would undoubtedly be better. Knowing that and accepting it took many years, but being alone, with my friends, family, cats and dogs was infinitely better than living with a liar. I absolutely love being on my own now and would never share my home again.

Thanks for the replies.

I just can't find the words at the moment...

How are you doing @Cryingemoji ? X

Thank you for checking in on me.

I'm doing ok thank you. I've got a few things sorted out which are helping me feel a bit more in control/ organised.

Ex moves out next week ..

I also have a job interview next week. Not ideal trying to get a job with all this going on, but it's a necessity.

As someone who has been through it, things as the saying goes get a lot better with time. Feeling lonely is awful at the start and feels alien as you are so used to having someone by your side. As soon as you feel able. focus on rebuilding your social life and getting out there.

Try to keep busy - exercise classes, whatever to keep occupied. And if there are meet-up groups or singles groups in your area they can be a godsend. There’s nothing quite like spending time with other divorcees when you are going through a divorce as frankly no one else really understands it and spending time around loved up couples can somehow add to the pain. Also getting out and socialising helps massively with the loneliness. Hope this helps someone.

Hi everyone, can I join in. I feel embarrassed and slightly sick typing this out as it somehow makes it more real. After a few crappy years but where I thought we had reconnected and things were going well my STBXH went back to his old horrible behaviour and now we are getting a divorce. It’s the right thing to do but I feel so low. I worry that I’m now going to die alone, that I’m just an old hag and my kids (both teens) will just run off with him and they will all have a happy life together and I’ll have nothing in my life. I don’t know what I’m asking or saying really. Maybe a question is how do you stay positive? I’m the kids main carer (he is the fun dad, which was fine) but I’m worried they will just want the fun and decide to be with him all the time? I also work so I try to juggle everything but maybe I’m just rubbish at it all. Argh. I feel like he has managed to position himself as the fun guy and I’m just the drudge. I’m such a fool.

Of course. I've been feeling similarly, that I'm tired and old and no one will look at me again and I'll be alone forever.

I feel sick at the thought of him being with someone else. He made a point of telling me he's had opportunities that he hasn't taken.

Our dc have already been taking sides. Our youngest hates school, so I'm already the bad guy because I have to make them go. They say some awful things to me and wish they're dad was home and not me. I just know he'll be turning up here as the fun dad who takes them out to do stuff.

Sorry no advice to give as I'm very much winging it at the moment. I guess just to say I'm around if you want to chat..

Thanks @Cryingemoji - it’s crap isn’t it? I’m a really positive person normally but I’m struggling to see how my future is going to be good. I know really that it will be better than it is now. but it’s hard to reframe what the future looks like when I had thought for so long it was going to be a certain way.
Im sorry your dc are taking sides - that is awful for you. Hopefully it is just that initial reaction to the split and things will calm down (I say this with hope for myself too as we haven’t yet told the kids - I don’t know how they are going to react). Have you talked about what childcare / access split there might be? i need to see a solicitor and find out all the different aspects involved. I wish I had a magic wand (or ££££) and could just have someone sort this all out for me. Like if me and the kids could just go to a luxury tropical island for a few weeks, return home and magically everything is split, the kids are happy emotionally and all is good. Guess that doesn’t happen in real life 😂 And we all just end up winging it.

I am really feeling it today and needed to read others in the same position... Hope you all don't mind me jumping on. It's so bizarre to feel such sadness and loneliness but after 25 years together I suppose it's natural in the process of grieving the marriage. Into my 3rd week separated. My choice after degrading towards me and alcohol issues on his side. Both teens have only seen DH once and he turned up drunk, which was a disaster. He didn't even bother this weekend to make arrangements with them. Makes me feel guilty for separating with him, at least he would be here. But then I keep reminding myself of how it was and I know I won't go back to him but boy oh boy it's still tough. So ya'all hang on in there, here's hoping it gets easier, day by day x