I want to break up but feel stuck. Help/advice please!

[k2331]

Hi,
I never thought I would be someone who asked for advice like this online but I have no one else to talk to and would really like some advice or help please.

I am not happy in my relationship, in fact I feel quite miserable. Been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 5 and we have a 14 month old. There are no serious issues - I mean no abuse/controlling/cheating or anything. I am just not happy.

I own the flat and pretty much pay for everything and I always have done. Looking back I regret this because I made it easy for him. He was working (self employed) before covid making ok money but apart from halving some bills, I never saw any of it. He saw it as his money. I pay for most things including all things baby related. Since covid he has lost his job so depended completely on me since March. Recently got a new part time job but one that doesn't pay as much. My worry here is that he will not be able to afford his own place or afford rent. He saved no money from his previous job, I mean nothing at all despite the fact he has a child. This has really bothered me and I find it irresponsible as my son is my number 1 priority. He seems to think it's fine for me to fund everything.

When it comes to parenting, I see him not as an equal but as an occasional babysitter. He doesn't get up with the baby, doesn't think about what to feed the baby etc. If he worked then fair enough but he was unemployed from March to September.

I just feel so unhappy and can't accept that this is my life forever now. Before we had a baby, promises were made about things he would do but not one of them has happened.

The thing stopping me is that I don't know where he will go as without me he would have no money. I also feel really guilty about upsetting him. I can't believe he is happy in this relationship though and I wonder if he's staying because he doesn't have anywhere to go. We basically just coexist in the same flat. We don't do anything together really, he sits in one room and I'm in the living room. I'm finding myself starting to resent him and getting really annoyed by him and I don't want to feel like this.

I don't know how to bring it up or tell him. How do you even start the conversation?! He can be petty and I really hate the thought of confrontation. We don't really argue or fight, it just doesn't feel like a relationship to me. I worry that I'll still be in this situation in years to come.

Sorry if this has been a bit jumbled, I hadn't really planned what to say before typing.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice for me?

Thank you

[GaraMedouar]

@k2331 - sounds like you’ve already reached the mega pissed off stage . And you have every right to feel like that, it’s as if everything comes into focus as clear as day and you know what you have to do . And yes it still is daunting to take that step I know. Stay strong

[Enough4me]

He will probably go through the full change cycle, disbelief (won't listen), denial (plead to stay), anger (you can't do this to me), depression (not my fault you have changed, you are cruel, unresponsive/cling to baby and home).

Eventually he will have to accept, but he is unlikely to forgive you as you are taking all his money and freedoms from him. It's like asking a teenager to grow up and show responsibility but he should already have gone through this.

OP don't accept him as your second sponging child, focus on you and your real child.

[k2331]

Hi @Enough4me thanks for replying. You have hit the nail on the head with the teenager reference. That's exactly what it feels like (despite him being 15 years older than me!). He is unlikely to forgive me and I'm sure I'll get a lot of 'how could you do this to me?'
Can i ask, have you been through anything similar? It is the first partner I have ever lived with so the first time I've had to deal with anything like this. Thanks again x

[Enough4me]

Yes, my ex was a manchild he had an affair and it was the best thing that ever happened to me (excluding having DC, family) because I could get him out. For the last 10 years of our relationship (having DC) he became a teenage victim and I was forever his rescuer.

I wanted a partner, but he always made me feel in the wrong. He sucked up everything he could and it was never enough. He will never forgive me for moving on after him and not carrying on making life easy for him. I don't care as as I don't have him weighing me down anymore.

[Enough4me]

Should add, it took years to feel stronger and I feel for DC as it's still not an easy situation 5 years on, but they have a pattern of visits.

But for me I have had a partner for 2.5 years and I get angry when I hear about others going through having to do it all.

[k2331]

Thanks @Enough4me for sharing that. It's reassuring to hear. Sounds crazy but part of me wishes he would do something like cheat so I could just be like bye!!! I keep thinking 'today I'm going to say something' and then chicken out. I would never stop him seeing our baby or anything like that but he would have to make the effort. I feel like I just need to be out of it and focus on a fresh start for me. Trying to talk myself out of worrying what he will do/where he will go as he is an adult and should be able to sort his own life out shouldn't he?

[Livinginmoment]

As others have said you aren't responsive le for his path going forward, but for yours and your child.
I get why you aren't happy as he behaves as second child in the relationship, you aren't met with an equal.
Break the cycle. Write down what you want even however rough, hold onto it each day, read it. Hold your own, the only way to be truly happy. Easier said than done but one day at a time, it's only way to have your own life and live what you deserve. You can do this.

[Enough4me]

If you imagine your life is a pack of cards and you are facing a bad hand, throwing the deck in the air and starting again can feel scary at the time and after. However, you have good things to hold onto, you are capable and intelligent, have a home and DC. It would be a shock to the system to start again, but like the last poster said get the long term vision in your mind and focus on achieving that.

[Enough4me]

Why not say here what you would like in 12 months time - what would your life look like?

[willowmelangell]

You clearly have a compassionate heart. I feel you are being taken advantage of.
You have everything in place to raise your child on your own or shared.
If your child was in the exact same position, what advice would you give?

[k2331]

@Enough4me yes, you're right. Long term I know it's what I want so just need to say I've had enough and go for it!
In 12 months I would like to wake up in the mornings happy, I would like to either be in a house with a garden (or at least to be in the process of doing that) which I can't do with him around - I refuse to buy a 'forever home' with him as I know once I do that it'll be much harder. When I say it like that I realise he's holding me back. Stopping me doing what I want. I would just like to be focusing on me and my child.

I think I might say something tomorrow. I don't want it to get closer to the end of year and start thinking 'it's too close to Christmas to do it now' and then find myself still in this situation next year. So I think I might work up to doing it tomorrow...

[k2331]

@willowmelangell I hadn't thought of it like that before - my child, I would tell them to be never be in a situation that makes them unhappy. I would never want them to feel like this x

[minmooch]

Good luck @k2331 be strong. You can do this and make a better life without this lazy man holding you back. Hold your dream of that house with a garden xx

[k2331]

@minmooch thank you. I think I'm going to do it tomorrow. I'm ready for the guilt trips and 'poor me, how could you do this to me?' that I'm sure I'll get but I think tomorrow is the day xx

[Enough4me]

Good luck, keep your vision in mind, stick to a clear messages that you can repeat easily...e.g. this isn't working for me we need to separate.

[WashingMachineCrisis]

I was exactly where you were 18 months ago, OP. I totally get the guilt and the concern for your partner. I have way too much empathy and for me this was the main barrier to separating. I posted my concerns on here, only to get upset that posters were (rightly so) calling him out on it. I felt disloyal and guilty that strangers were being harsh on him. It’s a job to explain but I’m sure you’ll get it.

I can only speak from my experience but it is way better to be a single parent than live with a moody man child. The relief that I feel now my stbbxh isn’t living here is immense. This could be you soon.

You’ll probably imagine him really struggling, being sad, missing his child etc. I did that. Once he left he really showed his true colours and now hardly sees his child and is sponging off another woman. It took me a few times to get it right but I did it in the end. Just think how good you’ll feel and try not to worry about a grown-ass adult. I know it’s difficult. You’ll do it

[k2331]

@Enough4me thank you x

[k2331]

@WashingMachineCrisis oh this sounds similar! And I think exactly what I needed to hear. You're right - all I'm picturing is him feeling depressed and upset not knowing what to do but it may not be that case. And he is in his late 40s (I'm 15 years younger) so really he should be able to look after himself x

[minmooch]

He's in his 40's? Wow!

Please please find the strength to get rid of him and live your life fully. Have you heard of FOG? It stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt. Don't let any of these stand in your way. You and your child deserve a few ally good life. If he turns out to be a good parent (I doubt this) he will continue to see his child - that doesn't have to stop. More likely you will continue to parent just as well without him. And you will live freer and happier.

Good luck with telling him what has to be.

[k2331]

@minmooch yes 45. I am 31. I did it today. Went pretty much as expected but he left very quickly and went to his mums. Took some stuff with him but there's a lot of it still here. The fact he went so quickly makes me wonder if he wasn't as upset/shocked/horrified as he claimed to be.

I suddenly feel very overwhelmed, upset and lonely. I know it's the right thing long term so I assume this is a normal reaction? I hope so anyway. Just want to close my eyes and wake up with a fresh start. I hope it will just take time. Thank you for your support xx

[Livinginmoment]

Well done for making this positive move forward. I imagine it feels very new and will take time to feel used to your new empowered self, scary but exciting. One day at a time. Keep posting here as you need and will happily support you. Really well done. One day you can proudly tell your son this story what a woman woman you are.

[WashingMachineCrisis]

Hi k2. Well done; I know how difficult that must have been for you. If you can, try not to let him talk you back round. If he’s like my ex he will soon ramp up the guilt trips. It took me 3 goes to properly finish things, so don’t get too complacent.

Please please take it from me not to let the guilt get to you. You’ve done the hard part and it’s so easy to get sucked back in. I’ll be thinking of you. Big deep breaths now and look forward to a lovely future

PS there is no shame in having a few wobbles and don’t feel like you’ve let anyone down if you don’t quite make it this time. I really get it

[minmooch]

Well done @k2331. It will feel strange for a while but you will soon feel empowered by taking control of your life.

I don't know you but I'm proud of you. Stand firm, you've done a good thing.

[k2331]

Thank you @Livinginmoment and @minmooch xxx

[k2331]

Thanks @WashingMachineCrisis
I can see why. I had a moment earlier where I thought I'll just phone him and tell him to come back but I know it would just make it harder. It's as if my mind is playing tricks on me tonight. I feel really upset and even thought 'maybe things weren't that bad' but deep down I know it's the right decision so just got to try and stand firm and wait for these feelings to pass x