I want to break up but feel stuck. Help/advice please!

[k2331]

Hi,
I never thought I would be someone who asked for advice like this online but I have no one else to talk to and would really like some advice or help please.

I am not happy in my relationship, in fact I feel quite miserable. Been with my partner for 6 years, living together for 5 and we have a 14 month old. There are no serious issues - I mean no abuse/controlling/cheating or anything. I am just not happy.

I own the flat and pretty much pay for everything and I always have done. Looking back I regret this because I made it easy for him. He was working (self employed) before covid making ok money but apart from halving some bills, I never saw any of it. He saw it as his money. I pay for most things including all things baby related. Since covid he has lost his job so depended completely on me since March. Recently got a new part time job but one that doesn't pay as much. My worry here is that he will not be able to afford his own place or afford rent. He saved no money from his previous job, I mean nothing at all despite the fact he has a child. This has really bothered me and I find it irresponsible as my son is my number 1 priority. He seems to think it's fine for me to fund everything.

When it comes to parenting, I see him not as an equal but as an occasional babysitter. He doesn't get up with the baby, doesn't think about what to feed the baby etc. If he worked then fair enough but he was unemployed from March to September.

I just feel so unhappy and can't accept that this is my life forever now. Before we had a baby, promises were made about things he would do but not one of them has happened.

The thing stopping me is that I don't know where he will go as without me he would have no money. I also feel really guilty about upsetting him. I can't believe he is happy in this relationship though and I wonder if he's staying because he doesn't have anywhere to go. We basically just coexist in the same flat. We don't do anything together really, he sits in one room and I'm in the living room. I'm finding myself starting to resent him and getting really annoyed by him and I don't want to feel like this.

I don't know how to bring it up or tell him. How do you even start the conversation?! He can be petty and I really hate the thought of confrontation. We don't really argue or fight, it just doesn't feel like a relationship to me. I worry that I'll still be in this situation in years to come.

Sorry if this has been a bit jumbled, I hadn't really planned what to say before typing.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice for me?

Thank you

[Livinginmoment]

This is so so true: PS there is no shame in having a few wobbles and don’t feel like you’ve let anyone down if you don’t quite make it this time. I really get it flowers

A work in progress in the right direction.

[Weenurse]

Stay strong and focused.
Start looking for your forever home.

[anameIcallmyself]

"The thing stopping me is that I don't know where he will go as without me he would have no money."
Not your problem. He hasn't cared about you. Time to think about you and the little one. By the way the issues you speak of are serious.

[Enough4me]

Glad to have helped with best wishes, but it's your hard work. No doubt you can help others in the future on here too.

It's the start of something new and there will be ups and downs, but at least you can think about your plans to move etc. plan in stages and involve your family xx

[k2331]

@Enough4me thank you. Mixed feelings tonight, keep thinking things like 'oh maybe it wasn't so bad' but I'm hoping these thoughts, the guilt and the sudden loneliness I'm feeling pass. I don't really have many friends but I'm lucky and do have family close by who are very supportive.

That's a good idea. I actually rearranged bits of my living room tonight so it feels a bit different so might do some more things like that over the next few weeks.

Honestly I'm so glad I posted this here. Don't know what I was expecting from it but I can't believe how supportive and reassuring you and other posters have been xx

[Enough4me]

Welldone for taking charge of your life. I wish I had done that rather than having things deteriorate until my my ex had an affair. It is really hard to end things even when they don't have a good future so you have real strength. Being alone can be lonely, but being with the wrong person can be years of a different type of lonely.

Do you have family and friends' support?

Try doing something independently to have a break from stress. I remember I bought an aircooker and panini maker, changed my bedding and kitchen storage. Then repainted my kitchen. It may sound daft, but I just found a sense of achievement in making choices independently, my ex was controlling so I think it helped to be back in charge. Basically do something for you however small to say welldone me! X

[k2331]

Thanks @WashingMachineCrisis
I can see why. I had a moment earlier where I thought I'll just phone him and tell him to come back but I know it would just make it harder. It's as if my mind is playing tricks on me tonight. I feel really upset and even thought 'maybe things weren't that bad' but deep down I know it's the right decision so just got to try and stand firm and wait for these feelings to pass x

[k2331]

Thank you @Livinginmoment and @minmooch xxx

[minmooch]

Well done @k2331. It will feel strange for a while but you will soon feel empowered by taking control of your life.

I don't know you but I'm proud of you. Stand firm, you've done a good thing.

[WashingMachineCrisis]

Hi k2. Well done; I know how difficult that must have been for you. If you can, try not to let him talk you back round. If he’s like my ex he will soon ramp up the guilt trips. It took me 3 goes to properly finish things, so don’t get too complacent.

Please please take it from me not to let the guilt get to you. You’ve done the hard part and it’s so easy to get sucked back in. I’ll be thinking of you. Big deep breaths now and look forward to a lovely future

PS there is no shame in having a few wobbles and don’t feel like you’ve let anyone down if you don’t quite make it this time. I really get it

[Livinginmoment]

Well done for making this positive move forward. I imagine it feels very new and will take time to feel used to your new empowered self, scary but exciting. One day at a time. Keep posting here as you need and will happily support you. Really well done. One day you can proudly tell your son this story what a woman woman you are.

[k2331]

@minmooch yes 45. I am 31. I did it today. Went pretty much as expected but he left very quickly and went to his mums. Took some stuff with him but there's a lot of it still here. The fact he went so quickly makes me wonder if he wasn't as upset/shocked/horrified as he claimed to be.

I suddenly feel very overwhelmed, upset and lonely. I know it's the right thing long term so I assume this is a normal reaction? I hope so anyway. Just want to close my eyes and wake up with a fresh start. I hope it will just take time. Thank you for your support xx

[minmooch]

He's in his 40's? Wow!

Please please find the strength to get rid of him and live your life fully. Have you heard of FOG? It stands for Fear Obligation and Guilt. Don't let any of these stand in your way. You and your child deserve a few ally good life. If he turns out to be a good parent (I doubt this) he will continue to see his child - that doesn't have to stop. More likely you will continue to parent just as well without him. And you will live freer and happier.

Good luck with telling him what has to be.

[k2331]

@WashingMachineCrisis oh this sounds similar! And I think exactly what I needed to hear. You're right - all I'm picturing is him feeling depressed and upset not knowing what to do but it may not be that case. And he is in his late 40s (I'm 15 years younger) so really he should be able to look after himself x

[k2331]

@Enough4me thank you x

[WashingMachineCrisis]

I was exactly where you were 18 months ago, OP. I totally get the guilt and the concern for your partner. I have way too much empathy and for me this was the main barrier to separating. I posted my concerns on here, only to get upset that posters were (rightly so) calling him out on it. I felt disloyal and guilty that strangers were being harsh on him. It’s a job to explain but I’m sure you’ll get it.

I can only speak from my experience but it is way better to be a single parent than live with a moody man child. The relief that I feel now my stbbxh isn’t living here is immense. This could be you soon.

You’ll probably imagine him really struggling, being sad, missing his child etc. I did that. Once he left he really showed his true colours and now hardly sees his child and is sponging off another woman. It took me a few times to get it right but I did it in the end. Just think how good you’ll feel and try not to worry about a grown-ass adult. I know it’s difficult. You’ll do it

[Enough4me]

Good luck, keep your vision in mind, stick to a clear messages that you can repeat easily...e.g. this isn't working for me we need to separate.

[k2331]

@minmooch thank you. I think I'm going to do it tomorrow. I'm ready for the guilt trips and 'poor me, how could you do this to me?' that I'm sure I'll get but I think tomorrow is the day xx

[minmooch]

Good luck @k2331 be strong. You can do this and make a better life without this lazy man holding you back. Hold your dream of that house with a garden xx

[k2331]

@willowmelangell I hadn't thought of it like that before - my child, I would tell them to be never be in a situation that makes them unhappy. I would never want them to feel like this x

[k2331]

@Enough4me yes, you're right. Long term I know it's what I want so just need to say I've had enough and go for it!
In 12 months I would like to wake up in the mornings happy, I would like to either be in a house with a garden (or at least to be in the process of doing that) which I can't do with him around - I refuse to buy a 'forever home' with him as I know once I do that it'll be much harder. When I say it like that I realise he's holding me back. Stopping me doing what I want. I would just like to be focusing on me and my child.

I think I might say something tomorrow. I don't want it to get closer to the end of year and start thinking 'it's too close to Christmas to do it now' and then find myself still in this situation next year. So I think I might work up to doing it tomorrow...

[willowmelangell]

You clearly have a compassionate heart. I feel you are being taken advantage of.
You have everything in place to raise your child on your own or shared.
If your child was in the exact same position, what advice would you give?

[Enough4me]

Why not say here what you would like in 12 months time - what would your life look like?

[Enough4me]

If you imagine your life is a pack of cards and you are facing a bad hand, throwing the deck in the air and starting again can feel scary at the time and after. However, you have good things to hold onto, you are capable and intelligent, have a home and DC. It would be a shock to the system to start again, but like the last poster said get the long term vision in your mind and focus on achieving that.

[Livinginmoment]

As others have said you aren't responsive le for his path going forward, but for yours and your child.
I get why you aren't happy as he behaves as second child in the relationship, you aren't met with an equal.
Break the cycle. Write down what you want even however rough, hold onto it each day, read it. Hold your own, the only way to be truly happy. Easier said than done but one day at a time, it's only way to have your own life and live what you deserve. You can do this.