OW spending time with your child

[VivaVegas]

How do you ever get used to it?
After over 20 years of marriage STBXH had an affair with a colleague, lied to me for months, possibly over a year, told me I was crazy, paranoid etc etc lied to everyone.
Finally admitted he was with her 5 months ago.
She cheated on her long term partner too. She has never had or wanted children.
They now both live separately but I found out via legal forms this week they are going to move in together. We have one child who is 12.
I am now also being asked to give consent for the 3 of them to go on holiday.
Add to the above she is a nasty piece of work, has no friends whatsoever and nobody that knows her (which is only through work) has anything nice to say about her.
I am over him, they are welcome to each other with their lies and deceit but I am struggling to see how you ever get used to someone like her spending time with your child.
I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go.
I have been seeing someone new for a few months and can manage to keep that private and see no reason to rush into living with someone or going on holiday with them and my child.
Our child always meant the world to us after trying for a baby for a long time and loosing 2, they were then born very early and were very ill as a result.
I just feel he is putting his wants and needs before that if our child.
Help, massively struggling with this.
What do I do, how do I deal with how sick this makes me feel?

[Originalusernameunavailable]

Have been in this situation myself, albeit my children were only 1 & 3 when their dad had an affair and decided to move in with OW straight away.
It sucks. Massively. Especially when the ex has shown themselves to be untrustworthy.

However, you do have to accept that he’s going to involve OW. All you can do is remain close to your son and allow him to express his feelings.

[Bibidy]

I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go.

Well, she is his partner so that's why she needs to go...because he wants her to go. Unfortunately you have no control over this, regardless of what you feel is right or would do yourself. All you can do is express your concerns to your ex about your DC being comfortable with it, and hope that he listens. Which I doubt he will as he probably sees this holiday as a good opportunity for his partner and son to get to know each other more (which is probably misguided).

The child says they stay in their room when she is there, they have said before they don't want to go to dads if she is there.

I asked how they would feel about her going on holiday with them, they said they don't want her to go and just want to go with their dad. They are with me much more than him due to work so get very little quality time with him as it is.

I say this with kindness OP, but could it be that your own (totally understandable) feelings towards your ex's partner are not helping your DS feel better about it either? Could you perhaps try and put a positive spin on this holiday, as galling as it is?

As for wanting to go away with his dad only - I am sure all kids would prefer that but chances are it may never happen if his dad wants his partner around. The best thing you can for your DS is try to make him feel better about it, rather than agreeing with him.

[VivaVegas]

It's not just how i feel though, we have a jointly agreed parenting plan which was agreed for the benefit of our sons welfare and he has now ripped it up as it no longer suits him.
I'm just expecting too much of him aren't I!

[MadamePewter]

@VivaVegas be different if the child were younger, but I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert about the importance of empowering your child to state their views. It’s so important for life- I’m just feeling it’s ok now!

[MadamePewter]

Expect nothing from him. Write or email stating that your dc doesn't want to go at this point and leave it at that. Don’t engage. It’s up to him to try to sort it with his son, not you.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

With all kindness because I can hear your emotions sizzling op, but:

Plus his can you not feel animosity to the woman he had an affair with and left you for?

and

I am over him

Don't really add up. And that's ok. 20 years is a huge amount of time to process and you need to allow yourself the time to grieve the end of the relationship, because you will need to grieve, however it ended.

Your anger is currently directed mostly at her. As you go through the stages of grief, I think you'll course-correct that to re-focus on him, because he is the one who broke his vows to you - she is nobody, just a prop in his actions.

I wish you well as it won't be an easy process, but you WILL come out the other side.

[Tyersal]

Re the parenting plan how long is it since you separated? It's it possible he thinks you have been separated longer than you think you have? Or that he is counting the tone with his new partner from when he started arguing her albeit there was an overlap

[ColaFreezePop]

OP if you don't give consent now all your ex will do is drag you to Court and get consent. You need to get your child to say talk his father and say he just wants to have a father-son holiday this time. If his father ignores him then in a couple of years time, if your son decides he isn't going to stay overnight with his father than there will be nothing either of you can do to force him and a court won't either.

[KiddingMyself]

To be honest, 6-9 months is completely unreasonable. You may find that yourself when you have another relationship. Granted in some relationships it will work that way, but just because one moves fast, it isn't necessarily wrong. Every relationship is unique.

And you do know that a parenting agreement is not legally binding in any way?

[VivaVegas]

Yes I know it's not legally binding but we sat down and agreed it together including the 6-9 months period, it wasn't just written by me.
At the time we felt (or so I thought) it was important not to introduce new partners to our child until a relationship was well established.
I guess the issue probably is he only came out about her within that period but the reality is he's been seeing her behind my back for a long time so it's not a new relationship to him just to everybody else.
I've been seeing someone for nearly 3 months and neither of us would dream of meeting each other's children yet so I don't think 6-9 months is unreasonable. But it's more the fact we agreed it, bothered to write it up in a proper plan and now it's just ignored as it doesn't suit him.
Plus our child is still struggling with his parents splitting up and still gets upset about it so I just think it's all too raw for everyone apart from them!

[Tyersal]

So he's been seeing her 6-9 months just her didn't tell you

[MySonThePotato]

It sounds like he's been seeing her for 6-9 months, but not openly at first.

I appreciate your child is finding the divorce tough, but a delay of a couple of months in introducing a new partner probably wouldn't significantly change that. The best thing you can do is support your child and encourage your child to make the best of the situation. Your child can't change the fact that Dad has a new partner, so IMHO you should gently support acceptance.

[Drabarni]

I would not give permission under these circumstances.
tell him it's nothing personal but you think it's too soon and you would never dream of taking him on holiday with your new boyfriend so soon.
Maybe your son doesn't want to be there if she is anyway. At 12 they are old enough to refuse to see a toxic ow, he'll just stop wanting to see his dad if she is there.

[Drabarni]

I think it's best to wait until a few years but adults are too interested in their dicks and twats to wait to do something decent for their kids after ruining their lives.
We wonder why people are fucked up after coming from broken homes.
It makes me so angry that parents don't give a shit. 9 months is nothing and nowhere near enough time.

[Tyersal]

@Drabani hader ex doesn't need her permission

[MadamePewter]

He doesn’t need her permission but if the son says he’s not going then that’s different