OW spending time with your child

[VivaVegas]

How do you ever get used to it?
After over 20 years of marriage STBXH had an affair with a colleague, lied to me for months, possibly over a year, told me I was crazy, paranoid etc etc lied to everyone.
Finally admitted he was with her 5 months ago.
She cheated on her long term partner too. She has never had or wanted children.
They now both live separately but I found out via legal forms this week they are going to move in together. We have one child who is 12.
I am now also being asked to give consent for the 3 of them to go on holiday.
Add to the above she is a nasty piece of work, has no friends whatsoever and nobody that knows her (which is only through work) has anything nice to say about her.
I am over him, they are welcome to each other with their lies and deceit but I am struggling to see how you ever get used to someone like her spending time with your child.
I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go.
I have been seeing someone new for a few months and can manage to keep that private and see no reason to rush into living with someone or going on holiday with them and my child.
Our child always meant the world to us after trying for a baby for a long time and loosing 2, they were then born very early and were very ill as a result.
I just feel he is putting his wants and needs before that if our child.
Help, massively struggling with this.
What do I do, how do I deal with how sick this makes me feel?

[MadamePewter]

He doesn’t need her permission but if the son says he’s not going then that’s different

[Tyersal]

@Drabani hader ex doesn't need her permission

[Drabarni]

I think it's best to wait until a few years but adults are too interested in their dicks and twats to wait to do something decent for their kids after ruining their lives.
We wonder why people are fucked up after coming from broken homes.
It makes me so angry that parents don't give a shit. 9 months is nothing and nowhere near enough time.

[Drabarni]

I would not give permission under these circumstances.
tell him it's nothing personal but you think it's too soon and you would never dream of taking him on holiday with your new boyfriend so soon.
Maybe your son doesn't want to be there if she is anyway. At 12 they are old enough to refuse to see a toxic ow, he'll just stop wanting to see his dad if she is there.

[MySonThePotato]

It sounds like he's been seeing her for 6-9 months, but not openly at first.

I appreciate your child is finding the divorce tough, but a delay of a couple of months in introducing a new partner probably wouldn't significantly change that. The best thing you can do is support your child and encourage your child to make the best of the situation. Your child can't change the fact that Dad has a new partner, so IMHO you should gently support acceptance.

[Tyersal]

So he's been seeing her 6-9 months just her didn't tell you

[VivaVegas]

Yes I know it's not legally binding but we sat down and agreed it together including the 6-9 months period, it wasn't just written by me.
At the time we felt (or so I thought) it was important not to introduce new partners to our child until a relationship was well established.
I guess the issue probably is he only came out about her within that period but the reality is he's been seeing her behind my back for a long time so it's not a new relationship to him just to everybody else.
I've been seeing someone for nearly 3 months and neither of us would dream of meeting each other's children yet so I don't think 6-9 months is unreasonable. But it's more the fact we agreed it, bothered to write it up in a proper plan and now it's just ignored as it doesn't suit him.
Plus our child is still struggling with his parents splitting up and still gets upset about it so I just think it's all too raw for everyone apart from them!

[KiddingMyself]

To be honest, 6-9 months is completely unreasonable. You may find that yourself when you have another relationship. Granted in some relationships it will work that way, but just because one moves fast, it isn't necessarily wrong. Every relationship is unique.

And you do know that a parenting agreement is not legally binding in any way?

[ColaFreezePop]

OP if you don't give consent now all your ex will do is drag you to Court and get consent. You need to get your child to say talk his father and say he just wants to have a father-son holiday this time. If his father ignores him then in a couple of years time, if your son decides he isn't going to stay overnight with his father than there will be nothing either of you can do to force him and a court won't either.

[Tyersal]

Re the parenting plan how long is it since you separated? It's it possible he thinks you have been separated longer than you think you have? Or that he is counting the tone with his new partner from when he started arguing her albeit there was an overlap

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

With all kindness because I can hear your emotions sizzling op, but:

Plus his can you not feel animosity to the woman he had an affair with and left you for?

and

I am over him

Don't really add up. And that's ok. 20 years is a huge amount of time to process and you need to allow yourself the time to grieve the end of the relationship, because you will need to grieve, however it ended.

Your anger is currently directed mostly at her. As you go through the stages of grief, I think you'll course-correct that to re-focus on him, because he is the one who broke his vows to you - she is nobody, just a prop in his actions.

I wish you well as it won't be an easy process, but you WILL come out the other side.

[MadamePewter]

Expect nothing from him. Write or email stating that your dc doesn't want to go at this point and leave it at that. Don’t engage. It’s up to him to try to sort it with his son, not you.

[MadamePewter]

@VivaVegas be different if the child were younger, but I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert about the importance of empowering your child to state their views. It’s so important for life- I’m just feeling it’s ok now!

[VivaVegas]

It's not just how i feel though, we have a jointly agreed parenting plan which was agreed for the benefit of our sons welfare and he has now ripped it up as it no longer suits him.
I'm just expecting too much of him aren't I!

[Bibidy]

I have no issues with them spending time with their dad and want them to have a holiday together but don't understand why she needs to go.

Well, she is his partner so that's why she needs to go...because he wants her to go. Unfortunately you have no control over this, regardless of what you feel is right or would do yourself. All you can do is express your concerns to your ex about your DC being comfortable with it, and hope that he listens. Which I doubt he will as he probably sees this holiday as a good opportunity for his partner and son to get to know each other more (which is probably misguided).

The child says they stay in their room when she is there, they have said before they don't want to go to dads if she is there.

I asked how they would feel about her going on holiday with them, they said they don't want her to go and just want to go with their dad. They are with me much more than him due to work so get very little quality time with him as it is.

I say this with kindness OP, but could it be that your own (totally understandable) feelings towards your ex's partner are not helping your DS feel better about it either? Could you perhaps try and put a positive spin on this holiday, as galling as it is?

As for wanting to go away with his dad only - I am sure all kids would prefer that but chances are it may never happen if his dad wants his partner around. The best thing you can for your DS is try to make him feel better about it, rather than agreeing with him.

[Originalusernameunavailable]

Have been in this situation myself, albeit my children were only 1 & 3 when their dad had an affair and decided to move in with OW straight away.
It sucks. Massively. Especially when the ex has shown themselves to be untrustworthy.

However, you do have to accept that he’s going to involve OW. All you can do is remain close to your son and allow him to express his feelings.

[Clefduvin]

My advice is not to waste your energy trying to influence your ex. You will just be hugely disappointed. Try and let it unfold and just watch from afar. It might not go the way you think. Concentrate instead on being positive for your ds. Your ex is the only one in control of his own actions and reactions.
My ex left for an ow who had lots of problems - 3 failed marriages, eating disorder, depression, issues with alcohol, suicide attempts etc. Like you, I felt desperate to keep ds away from her but I knew I couldn't actually stop it. Ex spent years telling everyone that I refused to allow ds to spend time with her. In fact, it was a convenient excuse for him to keep ds away from her.
Ds is an adult now and politely avoids ow. He can't bear her but would never say that to her face. They work it all out themselves eventually.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You need to empower your son to be honest with his dad about not wanting to go on this trip. He’s plenty old enough to decide for himself. I’d keep your own views out of it, not that you need to care what your ex thinks of you or your motivations. He’s the one fucking up his relationship with his child. I’d say your “permission” doesn’t come into it, it’s your son’s decision and you’re not going to bully him into doing something he doesn’t want on your ex’s behalf.

[MadamePewter]

I wouldn’t get into your views about your XH and his partner. Just say your child doesn’t want to go, he can discuss it with him, but you’re going to respect his views and not enforce a visit. Nothing else necessary.

[CallmeAngelina]

and you have every right to think that someone with her moral standards won't be a good thing around your son, especially at this delicate age.
Surely that also applies to her ex?

[Chewysmum]

If I were you, I'd type up a letter explaining that DS doesn't want to go away with OW and that in your opinion it's far too early after the separation to be subjecting your son to another partner. Explain that for this reason you are keeping your new relationship separate from your child and that he should do the same. His actions go against the parenting agreement you both signed and therefore there should be no further discussion. If they still want to go away next year and your son is happy with that then you will have no problem with that.
Then... Get the letter notarized or whatever it is that makes it a legal document and get it sent to him.
YANBU, it's far too early to be going away as a family, your son barely knows this woman, and you have every right to think that someone with her moral standards won't be a good thing around your son, especially at this delicate age. I've never been in your position but I think I'd be exactly the same as you, angry, worried etc.
Sit your son down and tell him that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to but hopefully he'll know her well enough next year and change his mind. IMO that is being the bigger person.

[MadamePewter]

I think the OP’s point about that is that her ex and his partner have had holidays together so this is not the only opportunity.
OP,I have the same allegations from my ex. Thanks to therapy I’ve realised it doesn’t matter what he says. I have never said mine shouldn’t go. It’s up to him to diet it out not me. It’s actually quite liberating!

[youknowitmakessensedunnit]

What your ex does in his own time is his business.

[VivaVegas]

I have had an open and honest conversation with DS and he has told me he wants to just go with his dad, but then the ex will accuse me of forcing him to say that and that I make him feel like he has to say that.
He is a nasty, manipulative bully who just continues to put himself first.
I just don't understand his rationale other than they can't bare to be apart but in that case I'm not being funny a holiday with a 12 year old is not going to be a nice romantic break is it, surely they'd be better off going away on their own.
I should add he has already been on 2 overseas holidays with her in the last 18 months, once when we were still together and he pretended to go in his own (as did she) and I caught them out and exposed their affair and then another one in October so its not like they are not getting time together.
Shame he can't focus on his son's needs a bit more and make his next trip a father and some one.

[OhWellThatsJustGreat]

Could you ask your child to tell their dad what they want to do. At 12 they are old enough to make their own choices in this instance.
I think you should provide a letter of concent, just to keep the peace with your ex, bit make it crystal clear to your child that it is for the peace and that you are happy for them to go away on holiday with dad, but I fortunately you can't control if she is there. I would also tell DC that at the end of the day they can decide if they go or not, no one else.