Husband of 6 weeks left totally lost

[Fth180519]

Hi,

New to net mums and posting so please be gentle!

My husband of 6 weeks (partner of 6 years) and father of our toddler left on Monday night with the words "I'm done" he left that night, went to his mums and came the next day while I wasn't in the house and removed ALL of his sole posessions.

We have since spoken and he has said he has been unhappy for years, felt forced into getting engaged, (4 years ago) having our son and sick of the arguing. I have struggled the last few years with my mental health, starting with anxiety and very recently being diagnosed with depression, which I feel has been the main contributor to our relationship being difficult. He hadn't once told me these feelings to allow me to work on my relationship with him/to get any help with my depression (as I thought I was managing) before just deciding to end it and I'm so hurt. I feel he's made a rash decision and is plucking reasons out of obscurity - maybe to hurt me to make it easier.

I have made steps to getting help being described antidepressants and awaiting counselling. I'm also trying to minimise contact - other than about our son - and pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone.

I guess I just need some comfort, to know that it gets better and I can be strong for my son. I'm still hopeful that he may want a reconciliation once he's had space and time. Appreciate any comments guys

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

I think, subconsciously at least, you knew something was wrong. Especially now you have said mental health has been worse since getting married.

Did you want to get married?

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

If he tries to go for annulment, don't admit the marriage wasn't consummated.

[Fth180519]

I did want to get married, he didn't. I know I wasn't the best partner/wife but neither was he, the difference is I wanted to work through it, he obviously hasn't.

I know I'll fight it with everything if he tries to go down that route, the least he can do is be fair to his son

[MyOtherProfile]

How awful. Would he consider going to Relate with you?

[Fth180519]

I've asked him to come to relate and made an appointment for myself, he's refused thinking it's a way of me trying to get bacj together. I would just be happy if he came to get some things off his chest and it helped communicate.

[MyOtherProfile]

Yes it would do him and you good if you could at least get him to talk it through with you and a professional.

[IWannaSeeHowItEnds]

Sounds like he has definitely checked out of the relationship - I wouldn't worry too much about him getting things off his chest. He seems quite able to do that already and to be honest, does it matter how he feels? What really matters is getting a fair deal for you and your child and concentrating on your own feelings because I doubt if he's sitting at home worrying about you getting things off your chest and communicating. Sorry, I know that's blunt but I really believe you need to take his emotions out of your equation and just put yourself and your baby first

[Lauraloop1516]

I second what @iwannaseehowitends said. Your priority is your son's and your own wellbeing.

[Fth180519]

I've just been to citizens advice and as we only took on our mortgage last year, selling would likely mean zero profit (if not a loss) I have individual debt and likely can't afford every bill, mortgage and my debt on my own. They asked if 8 could afford social housing, thus would be more than my mortgage. My ex is obligated to pay nothing but child maintenance and if he chooses to pay the minimum that's 50 pound. Basically I'm stuck. I can't go full time as 8 can't afford more childcare costs
My options may result in me having to quit my job and live off benefits just t afford housing but I would have to declare myself bankrupt for my debt.

I'm just so lost, I've worked all of my working life and I'm in this absolute horror that I'm in this situation. I don't expect handouts and I realise the debts are my own fault but I honesty feel my world has come crashing down.

[MarieG10]

If the marriage has not been consummated then it should not be a divorce but an annulment?

I don't know but presume that will also affect any settlement, except for child maintenance?

[hairhair]

Just wanted to say that a good friend of mine has been through the divorce part - cold feet before the wedding, had counselling, had the wedding and honeymoon and split up two weeks after returning. It was less complicated as they only shared a car, and didn't have kids. But similar emotional side, he said he'd been unhappy for a long time but they did not communicate at all.
Four years on and she's in a much healthier relationship and has just bought a flat (on her own, so she isn't tied financially to her new partner). I know it's not quite the same situation as you but just wanted to say that he is a bastard and coward just as my friend's ex was and that in time you will be far happier without him!! Take care of yourself x

[Fth180519]

Thanks everyone. I just honestly don't see a way out of this I feel I'm not strong enough to manage this but I know I have to try for my son.

[Sakura7]

The only thing I do know for sure is that a man who can leave you like this, out of the blue and with no real discussion, is not someone you want in your life. I know it doesn’t seem like that now.

This^^

He is making excuses and blaming you in order to deflect from his own shitty behaviour. I had an long-term ex leave like this too and I drove myself mad wondering why he did this, what's the real reason, why so sudden, etc, etc. I never found out the answers and after a while I stopped caring. Someone like this is not good for you.

Don't waste your energy wishing for him to come back. Even if he did, the trust is destroyed and the relationship would never be the same. Put your energy into looking after yourself and your child.

[BoronationStreet]

Oh OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

FWIW I read a very similar thread a couple of years ago on another site (except no DC involved) and the woman actually came back to the thread about a year later just to say that she made it through the trauma and had a new boyfriend and was happier than she'd ever been. She said she just wanted other women in similar situations to know that IT WILL GET BETTER and to be strong because you will find strength you never knew you had and you will look back and wonder why you ever loved such a bastard in the first place.

I can't imagine how low you are feeling but please know that you can always come here for support and also you can push your GP for help sooner. If you are in a position to do so, call them every day or use them for therapy in the interim. Make appointments and tell them how you feel and make it clear that you need help NOW. They can always find a way to help you, you just have to be persistent and very clear about how it's all affecting your mental health.

[Fth180519]

I want to say thanks to you all for your support, kind words and advice. I know things will eventually get better and if nothing else over the last couple of days I have realised that I am better off without him as a husband. I need to focus on support for my depression and my little boy who needs his mammy more than ever.

Thanks for more than you'll ever know.

[ExtraFox19]

Let him go. See what happens to your depression. Stop blaming yourself. Enjoy your lovely baby.

[Lostalot]

op ,very similar happened to me though we had been married a few years and had 2 very young children. Just decided to go - giving no reason, refused to go to counciling. I wanted to work at it. He blamed me for random reasons which changed all the time - 'were too different', 'you are depressed', 'you didn't bond with our daughter when she was born?! WTF! Told friends and neighbours 'i was lovely' but it just wasn't working - i was confused. Look up Narcissic personalities , mine turned out to be a covert narcissist - all made sense when i read up on it. Sending you my best wishes, you will get through this xx

[MollyButton]

Don't go for an annulment- very hard to get, and even though you have been "married" such a short time it probably doesn't count as a "short marriage" as you were together for so long beforehand.

First - don't rush into anything! Nothing has to be done immediately.
Then - eat and drink (not too much alcohol). If you can't eat - then nourishing soups etc.
Then get legal advice and benefits advice. Don't assume, find out what you are entitled to. Don't forget Council tax reduction. Could you take in a lodger (or language students over the summer)?
Get proper benefits and debt advice from the specialists at the CAB.

[BastilleKillers15]

Hey @Fth180519,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this ☹

I know how you feel as I too am going through a similar situation except we are all living in the same house and my ex has now said that me and my daughter have to move out when I have a job lined up, just take it one day at a time and know that you are enough! Just focus on yourself and your son, and also have your family and friends round you to give you all the support you need!

[HappyLoneParentDay]

@PicsInRed Abuser? How is OP's husband an abuser just because he ended the marriage? Wow that's quite a leap

[Palaver1]

I’m going to be a little bit different
You can see the reasons why it didn’t work out every single reason is written down by you.
He did not leave out of the blues he left because he had gotten to the point of no return
The blame is neither here nor there
I would not necessarily say he is having an affair either
Make this easy on yourself.
To be honest being married whist the relationship is having ups and downs does not mean the ceremony will fix the relationship.
I’m happy you are getting help for your mental wellbeing
Depression is a bitch.
I think his done the right thing although in a shabby manner
You’ll survive and when the time comes you will see clearly the merits of ending the union
You will survive

[Fth180519]

@Lostalot - I agree he is a narcissist. It's nice to hear from someone that's been through it. Are you out the other side now and happier? Or still going through this.

@MollyButton - I have done all of this already although eating and sleeping isn't going so well. I've thought of all of these things - including my sister moving in but my bills would increase and he has said he would pay half of the mortgage still (he has no choice really as I can't afford full on my own) and contribute maintenance. But thankyou for the advice.

@BastilleKillers15 - first, great name! It's so hard and I imagine even harder having to still be in the same house. I hope that things work out for you and your daughter. We're stronger than we realise.

@HappyLoneParentDay - attacking someone's opinion is not helpful. I don't share the same views as this person but would like to just reiterate what I have said earlier, I've asked for support and advice. Please don't start an argument with someone. Every person should be kind to one another and compassionate. You don't know what @PicsInRed has been through to believe that.

Finally I can't find the final poster to tag. I know that him getting space was right but I feel neither of us had the chance to work on our relationship. I'm not unreasonable but I've focused solely on how bad I was feeling, that I had neglected him. If he were the loving supportive partner I believed he was I think the least he could have done was communicated with me so we could have tried to improve our relationship. I'm sad that we haven't had that opportunity to try, that he has took the easy option because he can't handle it. That our son now has to miss out on seeing his daddy and mammy everyday. I'm not saying he had to force himself to stay if he didn't want to but the fact is he lost sight of the good times, the laughter the fun. Things in a relationship change once children arrive and mortgages and bills and the added stress causes dynamics to shift and people to not be as happy and carefree as they once were, but that doesn't mean that you stop loving them or give up, my mantra is you work at things until all options have been exhausted, THEN you walk away.

[SayWhatSayNot]

He said he has been unhappy for years, so he has had hundreds & hundreds of days to tell you.

Something is not right OP, I would do some digging.

I hope you are o.k & start to feel better.

[Lostalot]

Fth180519 - I am over 5 year through the other side, We are doing pretty well, There are obviously still difficult times but we’ve come along way since the very dark days. If he is a Narcissist, you are better without him in the long run. It definitely helped me to do my homework on that (narcissism) with regards me improving my skills in ‘managing him’. And in time look at yourself and why you ended up with him. For now, take one day at a time , get through the day to day stuff and take advice about finances etc. One day you will look back from a better place. You will manage to do it for you and your child. Work on yourself before getting in to another relationship. Take all the support you can get from friends and family. Xx