What is an appropriate amount of contact

[CherryOnTop11]

Me and hubby have split, it's been very messy and upsetting for me and my DC (DD8 DS15)

Since then I've sorted the divorce papers, the finances and have basically been left to look after the kids by myself (luckily I have two amazing parents who have helped loads!) while he has moved in with his manager from work and her kids.

On advice from my solicitor I wrote out an informal contact arrangement. As my stbExH works shifts I've agreed that he can pick them up from school every other Thursday and then drop them home at about 6.30pm and also every other Saturday 10am-6pm. So basically once a week he sees them.

He's asking for more but he lives with a woman who destroyed our family so the kids do not want to see her, plus with her kids there is no room for them for stopovers or anything. He has nowhere to take them in the evenings to cook for them, except his sisters who is a 25 minute drive away, so it would be takeaways/meals etc, and Iike to make the most of the weekends I have with them as I'm so stressed from work and everything else, the time I do have with them in the week is just stressful.

I have made it clear to him that if he was to get a flat/house not too far away that I would be happy to sort out more contact and share their care but he seems to be set on staying at this woman's house.

He's setting up mediation and then if that doesn't work to go to court he said (even though with the cost of it he could probably sort a place to live and we wouldn't need it)

Is the contact enough? I've spoken to the kids and they seem happy with it. They're tired after school and both have clubs etc they go to so to disrupt their life because he chose to leave doesn't seem fair. Am I right here?

[Shookethtothecore]

Nope I have been I your situation exactly. This is why you should listen to what people are telling you because you won’t win this in court.
If this is temp, just keep saying, no I’ve asked the children and they don’t want to because of xyz and they want you to do xyz if that’s what the children want. Don’t push anything let him do all the court pushing etc and try to just let this settle down a bit.
I get the impression you feel this only happened to you, with all due respect it happens to millions of women and men and people are giving you good advice. Good luck

[heidiwine]

I hope that for the sake of your kids this ends up in court.
You are deliberately obstructing and controlling their relationship with their father.
My Mim did this. I can’t tell you the damage it caused.

[LemonTT]

OP, not in anyway dismissing your feelings or that of your children but some of the argument you make would equally make justification for him to receive a nice slice of the marital assets. Because if he needs a nice flat or house of his own and a bedroom for each of them now. He will need that in the future.

Luckily a court won’t necessarily agree with that now or in the future. But don’t make his case for him. If you must insist on restricting contact you should do it because of the need to adjust. But this should take weeks not months.

Personally I don’t agree that you should be limiting his contact or setting conditions. He is equally their father. Even if they don’t like or respect him now they will love him. For that reason he will always be in their lives. So you need to decide if you want to make that difficult for them or not. Bear in mind they may find that more stressful than anything else. The OW doesn’t really matter to them. Your interactions with their father does.

[NorthernSpirit]

This is so sad.

I’m now with a man who has 2 children (I wasn’t the OW he was divorced when I met him).

The mother treats the children as ‘her’ possessions. Has tried to control who the father introduces the children to. Stopped contact due to her control.

The father took her to court after 2 years of her control and preventing contact and they now have a very defined contact order.

He’s had her back to court 3 x for breaches.

And all to see his own children who he loves.

And you know what? There are no ‘winners’. They can’t co-parent as she is so bitter and vitriolic after 6 years of divorce and the fact he dared ‘drag’ her through court.

The kids are starting to figure it all out themselves. The oldest (now 14) is seriously screwed up because of this. And is starting to realise that her mum (who she loves) constantly bad mouths her dad and won’t ‘let’ her see him. The icing on the cake was a birthday not so long ago were she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to speak to her dad on her birthday as it didn’t fall on a court ordered indirect (telephone call) contact day.

So very sad that bitterness has allowed this.

Don’t be that person.

[ScarletBitch]

@CherryOnTop11 you are angry with bloody good reason but please listen to us. We have all been through similar situations to yours and I can guarantee this was me 3 years ago when my EX H cheated on me leaving me to bring up our 3 DC. I fully get yours and your kids hurt, believe me i do. I too was adamant my kids were not going anywhere near her and certainly not staying over.

This went on for a year and I was angrier than I have ever been. What changed was seeing my youngest change his story when he spoke to his dad, because he thought I would be mad at him. This broke my heart. I realised my then 5 year old had picked up on my anger and was stuck in the middle trying not to upset me, but I could see he so wanted his dad.

So as much as it killed me inside I could not put my kids through this.

Please listen to reason. Go to mediation, that's there to help you as much him. You wanting to speak to him will not bring any solution or give you the answers you want to hear. It's your Ex that broke your family up. He was the one who made vows to you, not the OW.

If it helps why not suggest he takes your DD to her activity's, let him cook in your house, you then have time to go out away from him to clear your head.

I know it hurts like hell, but believe me you don't want to go through Family Court.

[SpareASquare]

@SpareASquare how is waiting six months to meet new partners 'scary controlling'? I'm just trying to avoid my kids having to meet every bit of skirt that flashes a smile at him, and also give him the courtesy of speaking to him if and when I allow another man to enter their lives (remember any man I meet would see them far more so if anything that is to his benefit). Or are you the type that jumps into new relationships and drags your children along for the ride, to hell with his they feel. I'm not controlling who he sees I'm making sensible decisions for the benefit of my children
No you're not. I'm sure you know that. It's just easier when you can package up your 'issues' with "for the benefit of my children"
You simply do not want them to meet THIS "bit of skirt" Totally understand that. I've been in your very position. I just worked really, really hard at doing the best I could for the children regardless of how I felt and I felt every bit of bitterness you do. BUT, what he did with the children was his business and that included who they saw. I can think of a million different things far worse than dad having a new 'friend' every couple of months.
I went the opposite, despite your petty little dig. I chose not to have a relationship for a long while because I made a conscious decision that my children never felt second best with me. I never interfered in their relationship with their father and that included grilling them when they came home. I never tried to make sure they liked me best and backed me up. Was tempting though. lol
Years down the track and they have a very superficial relationship with their dad. I think more out of obligation than any deep feelings. I, however, have a very close and loving relationship with them.
You will NOT win at court so I suggest you think really hard about what you are doing. Some counselling probably wouldn't go astray either.

[ScarletBitch]

@soberfabulous I know I agree with you, how not just men but how anyone can cheat, break their families up etc still get to live happily ever after with OW, whilst the rest of us are picking up the pieces.

Until I was cheated on I would of said exactly the same as you. Our responses to OP are not made out of being nasty, but from personal experience. I absolutely understand the hurt she is going through, it's shit isn't it?

[blahblah789]

and i don't want them forced into more hurt and confusion because he chose her over them. No way

This is a disgusting thing to say. He chose her over you NOT them

[soberfabulous]

But he DID choose a women over the children, didn't he? He chose to break up the family. He could have worked at it, had counseling...it sounds like he just upper and left?

A friend of mine's husband has just done this and moved to another country without a backward glance. If a woman did this they'd be lambasted. Men walk away from their children and it's accepted.