ahem...this sounds really dumb and naive but what is a male orgasm???

[sassygirl]

We've been married 15 years and anyway I always thought we had a very active and pleasurable sex life.

I dont even know how we got on to this subject but my dh said he's never experienced an orgasm. Im like what the... I thought when a male blows he has an orgasm. I dont understand what he means, like I am gobsmacked. I'm thinking of all the kinky things we've done together and he's had zip.

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[DrDaddy]

sassygirl - I think maybe he should consult a GP and or urologist to get himself checked out if he's concerned....although you say he isn't? It doesn't sound like it's physical and as I mentioned in an earlier post, orgasm is a function of the brain connected to a muscle reflex (ejaculation).
However, ejaculation does occur in 2 phases - emission and ejaculation proper.
Sorry to get down to brass tacks, but I presume he's not just emitting semen (like in a wet dream), but is having rhythmic contractions forcing it out?
Another suggestion is looking into stimulation of the prostate which is now considered widely to be the male "sex centre" which is well known to increase the intensity of orgasms....

[sassygirl]

Ummm I dont think he has had a spinal injury apart from the odd falling of horses, motobike, waterski and skateboard stack nothing serious. He suffers a bit from a sore back nothing major. I dont know what more to say, I have to believe him he's never given me reason to lie about anything before let alone this. I mean why would you come out with something like this for...

I feel awful as it is cos all I kept sayin to him on his last day at home was "your'e kiddin me, are you sure, nup dont believe you...." I'll ask him when he returns how he'd like to tackle this issue see a specialist etc Cos it must be eating at him otherwise he'd not have bought it up. But why wait so long to say anything....maybe he knew I noone would believe him. Oh thats so awful

[NotQuiteCockney]

Pruni, there are some sorts of spinal damage that can cause that problem, too.

tmmj, I don't totally buy the 'if he wasn't having orgasms, he wouldn't bother with sex' argument. I mean, lots of women don't have orgasms, but still enjoy sex without. (Ok, I'm sure they want orgasms, and try for them, but still.)

I do agree that he may well be having orgasms, they're probably just not as impressive as the fuss about them would lead him to expect.

(Anyway, according to the only person who was qualified to judge, women enjoy sex ten times as much as men. Ok, I'm going on the word of a mythical greek, but still. )

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[NotQuiteCockney]

Hmmm, this is an interesting problem. He says he has never had an orgasm, not even solo?

It's certainly true that a) different men have different, intensities of orgasm and b) men can orgasm without ejaculating.

I'd wonder if he was maybe orgasming without realising it, and expecting more from it? I think this because a recent study showed that a significant percentage of anorgasmic women were having orgasms, but weren't very impressed by them. (I'm more than a bit for them.) They could tell the women were having orgasms, because they were having uterine contractions etc etc.

I'd think about ways to make his orgasm better, I guess, or his ejaculation anyway. (You can't really argue with someone and say 'yes you are really, they're just shite') More teasing, taking longer, prostate stimulation?

[sassygirl]

tmmj- thats just it he is ejaculating but no warm fuzzies b4 or after iykwim. What prompted this revelation, we're havin convo bout how deeply we love each other(see dh works away from home so every time we have together is always so intimate and special and precious...)which led to hope its still this great when we're 80 and he just came out with it. Just like that. All he said he doesnt know what if feels like to have an orgasm. First I said yeh whateva and fobbed it off and he went all serious on me.

[HappyDaddy]

As a teen, i used to be able to have one after the other after the other with no breaks. That was a really amazing eye opener.

[HappyDaddy]

Orgasms are different, for me, depending on the act that brings them. Each one more intense than the other, I'm sure you can work out what i mean.

[sassygirl]

thanks kidtraks I really appreciated reading that and all the other comments as well. (taking off the paperbag from my head)

I was feeling really inadequate and taken back by it all. My dh doesnt hav a problem with the idea of not having an orgasm cos he really enjoys and wants (if he could 10 times a day) sex. No big deal to him he said "what he doesnt know he doesnt miss". I just assumed, I never knew this before MN and google, that ejaculation does not automatically mean orgasm. So everytime he came I assumed he was having an orgasm.

Thanks MNrs for all your support look forward to sharing with ya my next drama....

{{{big hugs n kisses}}}

p.s (whispers) DH doesnt know about this he'd be mortified if he found out so shhh keep it a secret

[Kidstrak]

sassygirl its perfectly normal for your husband not to have had one, my husband told me he had the best orgasms when he was 16 and he said they were multiple at that, he can still have them just not all the time, ejaculation doesn't mean orgasm, he tells me an orgasm is an all over body expierence where his body shakes and the build up is intense, a bit like when women orgasm.

[choosyfloosy]

sorry was probably in serious mode and am sensitive on this issue!

i think it's great that you have such a good relationship and sex life that he has felt able to talk to you about this tbh.

[PinkTulips]

i knew a guy once who claimed ejaculation was actually painful for him and i don't think he really had orgasms as he was ejaculating.

it is possible and fair deuce to your dh for admitting it, must have taken guts.

i can imagine it's a shock for you and i don't think many of us would have reacted better but now thatit's had time to sink in you need to go and talk to him and see if he'd feel comfortable getting medical advice about the matter. i take it he doe experiance some pleasure as you have an active sex life?

[jabberwocky]

See last few posts on this thread also.

[DrDaddy]

While the two are clearly linked, they are actually different processes. This is from a medical advice site:
"Ejaculation is a reflex that depends on stimulation and response in the pelvic region, orgasm is an experience that requires a connection to the brain. Usually these two processes occur simultaneously, but either one can in theory occur without the other. Some men who have had spinal cord injuries and don't have pelvic sensation can ejaculate, even though they will not experience orgasm at that time."

[ItsMeMellowma]

I was joking btw...obviously I did not expect the op to go and laugh in her dh face did not think it would be taken so seriously.. very sorry...

[Cappuccino]

if he's not having an orgasm it's not your fault

he needs to get help for that

[sassygirl]

thanks choosy for your comments. I am still in the shock mode tho I always prided myself on being a great lover having a great relationship with dh. we have our ups and downs like everyonelse. gosh now i am second guessing my whole marriage all cos he said what he said...oi ya lol

He seems to enjoy sex, can't leave me alone for a second very passionate etc thats why i dont get it and obviously a lot of you guys are thinking the same as me, whats his problem.

[choosyfloosy]

um.... my personal view is that if someone tells you they are not having orgasms... they are not.

I'd be really shocked and surprised if my dh came out with this so might easily react the same - no problem with honest reactions.

but to go back and tell somebody 'sorry, you're just a typical man/woman always looking for more and i don't believe you' about things like this - that would be the beginning of the end for me.

I know you said you can't remember how it came up, but can you say to him that it shocked you but you'd like to know more about why he felt able to tell you this now?

May be too early to talk about going to a sex therapist - if that's what he wants. I spent the best part of 20 years hoping that I would just have orgasms but it's a decision people hvae to make for themselves. If he enjoys sex, he may not be that bothered about orgasms, like a lot of women.

[ItsMeMellowma]

hmmm sounds like a typical male imo always looking for something more

orgasm = ejac - Don't let him tell you otherwise!

[kittylette]

well how did he explain it?

he ejaculates but doesnt feel anything? sounds medical to me

[sassygirl]

we're pretty open to things with our sex life so i cant understand it...gosh i think im getting a complex...

[Cappuccino]

um, how do you decide when each, um, bout of shagging, er, stops if he doesn't have an orgasm?

do you just keep going till, er, when?

[sassygirl]

i dont really understand what he's told me. i'm thinking is he expecting the ground to shake or something. i have no idea what he's talking bout. he tried to tell me but i couldnt help but rant on like are yo fo real..