I've never seen my husband so angry and upset

[Aquamarine1029]

Just here to vent, really. My PIL's, along with SIL and BIL live very close to each other, about 3 hours away from us. To put it mildly, my SIL can be hard to love, nevermind like, but there have never been any issues to speak of over the many years.

However, she has treated the lockdown and risk of COVID-19 like it's all some big joke, still hosting/meeting up with friends and PIL's at their homes. My husband has spoken to her about this countless times in hopes of changing her attitude, to no avail. My FIL is firmly in the high risk category. Obese, diabetes, high blood pressure and he's a heavy smoker. Obviously, he should be taking lockdown seriously, but he isn't either.

Anyway, we found out today that one of BIL's colleagues tested positive last week, and this man is now very ill in hospital. Two days ago, BIL started having symptoms and he has gotten very ill very quickly. He got tested for COVID today, results not back yet.

As it turns out, SIL and BIL have been to my PIL's home FOUR times within the past week for dinner, the last time when BIL had already started to feel ill.

My husband is absolutely raging he is so angry, and he is a person who rarely gets upset about anything. I feel awful for him because he's so worried about his dad. Honestly, he's sick with worry. I could just throttle my SIL, even though I know it's just as much my PIL's fault as hers. If my FIL gets the virus and dies from it, my husband will never forgive his sister. He's already ranted that he never wants to see her again. His anger talking, I'm sure.

Why do people have be so fucking foolish?!

[LilQueenie]

theThreeofWeevils no I had to. I don't want a couple and their dog frequenting a communal stairway at all hours. Would you like drug addicts on your doorstep? There is barely 6 foot between mine and the neighbours.

[Ponoka7]

@koshkatt, why should all of the compassion be directed towards the FIL and none towards SIL?

Does just being obese, having a unhealthy lifestyle and being a heavy smoker suddenly need pussyfooting around? We've taken it for granted that medical science can undo those things. The men who fell into that category when i was younger, died in their 50/60's. So we got healthier, until medical treatments caught up. Well that's now been undone.

I can remember a few girls who did something, had sex/a baby while single etc and their Dad died of a heart attack and they were held responsible because of 'the stress they put on him'. It might have been the final thing, but it also might have happened anyway.

We knew AIDS was about, but people still had unprotected sex. People decide to take risks everyday.

[ChicCroissant]

While I can understand your anger at your SIL, the current setup seems to get your in-laws a lot of attention from both their child that lives nearby (your SIL) and from their other children pleading with them to stand up to the SIL. I hope that your in-laws are OK.

[LilacTree1]

It’s the dad’s decision, surely?

[Actionhasmagic]

I can relate to this situation - not quite as extreme and I can also say I would never forgive my brother if something happened to my parents because he infected them. Sadly he lives there due to his aspergers and mental health but he seems to be being sensible and wearing a mask out. I hope your pil get through this

[Babyroobs]

They all sound a bit dim to be honest. Let's hope your fil doesn't get ill and your Bil recovers and they all recognise how stupid they are.

[JudyCoolibar]

Has your DH spoken to his SIL till this came to light? If so, how did she react?

[Herpesfreesince03]

This is on your fil tbf

[AnotherEmma]

My husband has a sister very like your SIL.
We both find her infuriating. It is easy to fall into the trap of blaming her for the family dysfunction. But after a lot of drama and reflection over the years, I have concluded that their parents are responsible. When they were the parents and DH and SIL were children, they had the power and the responsibility to parent their children. They are responsible for raising a spoiled young woman who continued to insist on her own way from childhood through to adulthood. They are responsible for failing to say no to her, which was at times at the expense of their other children. They have failed to treat their children equally and fairly by giving in to the one who shouts, tantrums and sulks the loudest.

Your DH is furious with his sister but perhaps he is also deeply hurt that, yet again, his parents have effectively shown their favouritism for her, by letting her have her own way (and ignoring the advice of him and his other sister).

Of course the parents would probably vehemently deny that she is the favourite (DH's parents did) but whether a conscious choice or not, that is the outcome of their failure to say no to her.

If your FIL gets Covid-19 and dies as a result of indulging her selfish actions, it will be the ultimate example of her demands taking precedence to the detriment of the rest of the family.

I hope very much that your FIL doesn't get it and that your husband can find some way to come to terms with his dysfunctional family dynamics. FWIW, my DH has found counselling very helpful.

[GigiLamour]

Well, they are all in it together. BIL and SIL went out knowing that BIL had symptoms. MIL and PIL raised a monster and chose to obey her every whim. All of them have been making terrible decisions.

I think your DH is entirely right to be angry. What a set of idiots.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I can understand why your dh is so upset. However your inlaws are all adults, who made bad choices. If he chooses NC from his sister, I would support him.

[EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall]

I dont know, we were trying to get my grandad and mum to self isolate for a while before the gov brought it in

They didn't really like the idea, fair enough but none of us were going to go and see them.

So I think they are all responsible for being fucking idiots. I know as a 42 year old healthy as far as I know adult that I wasn't going to risk it . Couldn't live with the guilt if anything happened to them

[SusieOwl4]

I really feel for your husband . He tried to stop the visits and they chose to carry on . Yes his FIL did not refuse but they were the ones visiting.

He must be so worried. I hope things work out . But I do sympathise with him.

[LizzyButton]

I'm with TeddyBeans in the first reply and EveryFlight's recent one.

CV is not worrying me personally as I've had it. Hardly anyone else I know has had it though and I fear for them. I'm being conscientious to follow lockdown guidelines because it is a collective effort and wouldn't want to live with the consequences of encouraging someone else to engage in behaviour that is too risky.

Thankfully in my general bubble people are behaving sensibly. The only ones who seem to be larking about a bit are the parents of a friend with serious risk factors. She has had to firmly tell them to not visit. My respect for them has evaporated.

[Aquamarine1029]

Again, I want to make it clear that my husband and I both know my PIL are equally at fault. There's no question about that. They could have refused visits but they didn't, and they will have to live with the possible consequences.

I think my husband being so angry with his sister is due to how much he and his other sister tried to reason with her, all for naught.

Bottom line, it's a frustrating situation from every angle.

[Peregrina]

Please don't let him have a row with any of them. If one of them did die as a result of it, he would no doubt be mortified that his last words were angry ones. However, it does sound as though he is sensible enough to know this.

[milveycrohn]

A lot of people are not really taking it seriously.
Many people will get the virus, and has been stated before, most have it mildly. However, for some, it develops into something more serious that requires hospital treatment. We all think we will have it mildly, but there does not seem to be a reason for who gets it more seriously.
All we know is that it seems to affect more elderly people, more BAME people and more men than women. The scientists will be working on it.
I have not seen my adult DS, who do not live with me, or together, but live not far. Though they have both dropped off provisions on our doorstep.
Your SIL and BIL are being thoughless and putting your PIL in danger, and your DH is right to be angry.
I am not sure how I would deal with it though.

[PleaseStopSayingNewNormal]

Yes, PIL are foolish (and weak) to agree to see their daughter and her husband at this time, but I don't think it's unfair to put the lion's share of the blame on SIL, who has been selfishly risking her parents' lives for no good reason. Bad enough if she was an only child, but she's also potentially robbing her siblings of their parents, too.

I'm sorry your husband is going through this, OP.

[Guylan]

@LizzyButton, do you or anyone else know whether someone who has had it could still pass it on if they touch a surface with the virus, touch another surface then someone else touches that surface? know v low risk but is that theoretically possible? Thank you.

[Thinkingabout1t]

my SIL has been very insistent about visiting, and my PIL's were too afraid to upset her.

That’s a disgrace, verging on elder abuse — she has bullied them into risking their lives. Even if SIL is ashamed it won’t bring her parents back if they die. OP, I feel so sorry for you and DH and the restofthe family. I hope you all survive.

[Qgardens]

Is fill showing any symptoms? Fingers crossed he doesn't get it

[notangelinajolie]

I wouldn't say your SIL is to blame.
Each and every one of us is responsible for our own actions.
We all have a no button we can press.
Non of us can control others. Look after your DH and yourself OP- that is all you can do at this time

[hoteltango]

Your SIL is a bully; and if she's been a bully since very young, it's not too surprising that your PiL's have given in to her yet again. There's been plenty of threads on the Relationship board about such dynamics in some families, where even parents don't dare say no to a dominant offspring.

Unfortunately, the current situation has already highlighted those who are selfish, some who just carry on irrespective, and some who absolutely relish the opportunity to flout every rule going. FWIW, my own late and unlamented mother would have been in the latter category.

All you can do is support your husband and his other sister in supporting your in-laws to protect themselves as much as they can. It's probably a bit late for them to stand up for themselves, but it would not be inappropriate for you, your husband, his sister, and anyone else you can think of, to lay into your SIL, very hard. No matter if it leads to a family row or fallout; she sounds like a narcissistic bitch, and if there's one time to call her out it's now.

[Italiangreyhound]

You poor thing, I hope your parents in law are OK and your in-laws learn their lesson.

Try and support your DH without getting into too much detail. In my opinion just listen, don't join in the venting too much. If everyone is OK then you can breathe a sigh of relief.

[DeRigueurMortis]

It's "easy" to blame your PIL but some people are just bullies regardless of of their upbringing.

From your posts it's sound like there are 3 siblings and only one whose an issue under these circumstances (and in general).

Typing out the trope that they are to blame as they raised her and let her behave in this way utterly misses the dynamics of the situation, especially when the parents are elderly and vulnerable.

I can't help but think that posters who think it's so simple have (luckily for them) never encountered anyone as manipulative and bullying as the OP's SIL appears to be.

I totally understand your DH's distress.

As to what to do, under these circumstances options are limited to say the least.

All I think he can do is stay in touch with his parents and offer what support he can. A huge row right now isn't going to solve anything and sadly if they have been infected due to SIL's behaviour then it's even more important to ensure that communications with them are kind and loving.

If they get through this unscathed then perhaps it's an opportunity to re-assess relationships.

Good luck - it's an awful situation