Pregnancy and Birth Worries :(

[allloveknows]

I hope this is ok to post here. I wasn't sure whether childbirth would be better but I am worried about the whole process so...

My husband and I are starting to think about having a baby. I know that we both definitely want a baby and we are financially prepared enough etc. I was sexually abused for much of my childhood from a very young age and I am terrified about the process of pregnancy and childbirth.

Intimacy with my husband is brilliant with no problems except very occasionally, which he always handles well. I have also managed smear tests but only with my GP who I have developed an excellent relationship with over many, many years. It is still horrid and traumatic, but possible. My concern is strangers being involved in the process, touching me in any way and especially if what they are doing will cause me pain, I know it will be impossible for me to stay present and not have flashbacks etc.

I have spoken to a few close friends who have had their own babies, all of whom tell me that 'in the moment' nobody cares who has their hand up your fango and any embarrassment etc goes away... but I havent found that reassuring because this isn't embarrassment. It's terror and reliving a decade of the worst, worst moments of my life.

I'm scared of everything that might be done to me but I am also scared that I will be so triggered and stressed and upset that I will not be able to be a good mother to my new baby. That they will suffer because of me suffering. I don't want the people who harmed me to be able to harm my baby, through me.

I'm not sure what my question is, it helps to have written down these thoughts. They swim round my head all the time at the moment. I would be so grateful if anyone would share their experiences or thoughts? If not, thank you for just reading. x

[allloveknows]

If that happens to women I am never having a baby. Just another thing theyve stolen from me :'(

[allloveknows]

Thank you bluebird. A c section might be the way to go. I don't want my baby to miss out on the initial bonding with me though. My mum and I were separated and my therapist is sure that that separation is a big part of my attachment issues. I worry about not being able to hold her or him straight away to bond.

[SpeakNoWords]

Don't let a random person's story on the internet put you off something that you clearly want. Speak to the people at the My Body Back Project and see what help there is out there. I've just had my second baby and nothing at all like that happened at all.
I was in control the whole time, even when things became a fairly urgent situation for the safety of my babies. No one even touched me without my consent, either time.

[SpeakNoWords]

With a c section, the baby can be placed straight onto your chest for skin to skin whilst they complete the operation. The baby doesn't have to go out of your sight at all. (Barring medical emergencies of course).

Both my babies were whisked away to special care because they were very poorly and I didn't see DS1 till the next day as I was also unwell. It didn't affect my bond with him at all, it isn't inevitable that it would affect bonding. It's something to be aware of, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

[Lules]

I can't really give any advice, but there will be people who can (try your GP or the charity mentioned above). I wanted to say though that I didn't hold my baby straight after my EMCS but I don't think that's necessary at all to bond. It wasn't immediate but I fell in love with my baby in the most amazing way in the few weeks after birth. I've spoken to friends who've had vaginal births and it wasnt immediate for them either so I don't think that makes a difference. You would also be likely to be able to hold your baby straight after a planned c section anyway.

[allloveknows]

That is reassuring. Thank you.

[Primaryteach87]

In my area we have specialist pregnancy mental health nurse and a specialist midwife that women who have been abused/raped are referred to. They are utterly incredible and totally understand about flashbacks, triggers etc. They write a emotional wellbeing plan for women.

Even though this amazing service is available, my GP had never heard of it and was generally clueless. So I'd advise ringing the supervisor of midwives at your local hospital to ask.

[mercurialrising]

I apologise. Having read through this thread I realise that my description was too graphic for the nature of this thread. I am sorry OP. It wasn't my intention to heighten your fears.

I think what I was trying to get across was a couple of things. Negative experiences during labour are hugely damaging to your mental health. I say this as someone who has had symptoms of ptsd. I think that the mental wellbeing of a person should take high importance on any decisions about childbirth. Also, the changeover of staff in a hospital setting can mean that certain things get missed or overlooked - something that I am sure a doula can help with.

[Fruityfruits1234]

I'll try to stick to the facts as I don't want to scare you but I think it's important to be honest and realistic. You need to get the number of your midwives from your gp and have an appointment with the head of midwives or someone similar who can agree what vaginal examinations you don't need and which ones you would need to prepare yourself for. Based on my experience in a midwife led unit here are the things you would need to confirm with the head of midwives before trying for a vaginal birth:

• do you need a vaginal examination to prove you are in active labour. - my contractions were irregular so they kept saying I wasn't in labour until a vaginal exam showed 6cm. I've heard of others also having issues with being admitted if you won't have this vaginal exam but there are plenty of other ways to confirm if you are in active labour it just might need to be agreed beforehand with the supervisor of midwives
  

• do you need a vaginal exam before pain relief can be offered? I was told I did, but I don't believe this is true so you could get this agreed beforehand.
  

• under what circumstances would you need a vaginal exam for the safety of you and your baby. So if all goes well really there should be no need at all for any vaginal exam in my opinion and you shouldn't need to have anyone bothering you or touching you. But you seem to be aware that things don't always go to plan and want to prepare for that too whichI think this is very sensible. I needed a vaginal exam as there was meconium in my waters so they needed to take a close look at that (is it old? Is it new? Is it a sign that baby's not ok?). I also needed one to establish the position of the baby's head as he was malpostioned. This information was really important to ensure the safety of the baby and informed what we did next. So I think it's important you are able to have a vaginal exam in those kind of circumstances. Do you think you would be able to cope with exams if they were safety related and the reasons clearly explained?
  

Also if you tear you would need to allow someone to repair the damage. Small tears are not uncommon in 1st time mums and tend to heal quickly and without issue so shouldn't be anything to worry about unless it could be a trigger.

You will also probably need to let people look down below in the weeks following the birth to ensure all is healing properly especially if there are any stitches although I suppose you could decline this unless you had a specific concern.

Alternatively you could go for a c section (I have experience of this too). You may feel more in control this way as they can explain exactly what's happening. there will be the catheter going in but other than that I think it will be your lower tummy that gets most of the attention. Any appointments after the birth will also be focuses on the stomach healing with maybe a few questions about the level of blood loss. You will have to be naked from waist down but maybe they could put a sheet over you for as long as possible. I had no bonding issues at all and breastfed no problem too. I've heard of more problems with the bonding and breastfeeding with forceps births.

I would strongly recommend a doula or other sympathetic woman to accompany you. This person should know your fears and worries and what's been agreed about vaginal exams etc. And will fight your corner if you come into contact with a stubborn/unsympathetic midwife/nurse/doctor. You can relax and let them make sure all exams etc are necessary and your wishes are followed. Although I'm sure the vast majority will understand your situation and be sensitive it's an unfortunately fact of life that there is always a risk of someone misunderstanding/not reading your notes properly/being insensitive and the doulas job is too kick ass on your behalf so that you don't get triggered and don't have to fight whilst 9cm dilated and trying to cope with contractions or nervous and trying to prepare for your cs.

You sound like a very strong woman to have come through all of this and Therefore I have no doubt you will find a way to do this and will be a wonderful mother

[allloveknows]

Fruityfruits that's a really helpful post. Thank you. I think you are definitely right about the specifics of when and why I would need an internal exam.

Am I right in imagining that they do just put their hand inside you? Not a finger? I'm struggling to see how it would even fit (I guess labour changes that though) and (sorry tmi) it's the stretch feeling that is usually my big trigger. At my smear test the speculum being put in was okay ish but it was once she opened it and the overstretched feeling kicked in that I couldn't cope and totally panicked. Thankfully the person supporting me was calm and we got through.

I am sort of hoping that baby stretch (inside to out) will be less triggering than my experience of sex/trauma overstretching from out to in.... Don't know if that is just really naive.

[pitterpatterrain]

I have found that there are additional/different services available - like a MW team near me in London that do continuity care - I would not have found out except I explained something to the MW that has mean she will move me to the team that will be consistent between check-ups and birth in hospital as seeing new people each time was causing problems. They are also 100% fine with me having an ELCS if I chose in the end due to what I have discussed (although I recognise that this varies in location).

I would echo PP that suggest to investigate what is out there, you may need to be more proactive and raise these discussions with an advocate supporting you along the way.

Regarding what they put inside (hand/fingers/finger) I don't recall from the last time I gave birth, you may need a detailed discussion with the MW. I believe they demonstrated how they check dilation and what they are looking/feeling for in an antenatal class.

[3luckystars]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and that it is making the decision to have a child difficult for you.
Not the same at all, but my sister has a bad phobia of hospitals, its very very extreme and nobody thought she would ever have a baby. Its really bad!

Anyway, she went privately to a gynaecologist, found one she could trust 100% and had a planned c section, all under control, took all the drugs and got home as quickly as possible. And do you know what, she went on to have a second child too and is absolutely fine.

Giving birth is one day out of a childs life and c sections can be lovely!
google natural c sections

I wish you all the very best and have confidence you will find a way to do this with the right support. Good luck to you x

[Fruityfruits1234]

allloveknows I don't remember any stretching feeling. I don't remember feeling the examination at all tbh (bear in mind that the contractions hurt far more so that may be why I didn't notice anything). I couldn't see what they were doing so not sure on the details but I doubt they put their whole hand in or I'm sure I'd have known about it! I was under the impression they use 2 fingers and see how far apart they are to estimate the #cm (it's actually not very accurate. It's very subjective). When they were concerned about the baby (rather than trying to establish the number of cms) I think they were just looking rather than doing anything. She shone a bright light to inspect the meconium. I'm sure if I hadn't been 9cm dilated id have found that a bit intrusive but in those circumstances I wasn't that bothered. She did ask me first and explain about things.

Make it clear in your notes what you want (or don't want) in terms of stretch and sweeps before labour. These are offered from 39 or 40 weeks I think. This could be a trigger for you as you may get that stretching feeling. There's no obligation to have sweeps. There's only limited evidence that they work anyway so easily avoided.

When you are triggered is there anything they could do that might help you? Sorry if I'm being a bit naive. I have no experience in this area so if this is unrealistic please just ignore it. I was just thinking it might be worth coming up with a plan of what to do if you are triggered just in case (like get everyone to stop, leave the room, while your birth partner talks you through it, and birth partner could then also explain to the mw what has triggered you and how best to re-approach the situation before they come back in). If there's anything you can think might help it's worth asking. I think the advice of PPs about finding out about specialist services is a good idea. there will be others who have been in your position (unfortunately as no one should have to go through abuse) they will have lots of experience and should be able to help you come up with things that will make this easier for you.

[RedToothBrush]

OP, I had a lot of similar - though different - fears.

They suffocated me and stopped me trying for a baby for many years.

In the end I tracked down what support there was out there, and what my options were and what help I might need. It was a long process, but in that time I do think awareness has improved a great deal on the subject. It is much better than it was just a few years ago but ignorance of the subject still persists in the press, in the public and sadly the profession too.

In the end, I saw my GP BEFORE getting pregnant and was able to get an appointment with a consultant midwife about it, due to how much it was affecting my mental health. I effectively was able to have a 'plan' before getting pregnant which was respected when I did get pregnant as it helped build a relationship of trust and support both before and during my pregnancy.

This is not that typical - though technically anyone should be able to go down this route on the basis of their mental health under NICE guidance (anyone women who has concerns about her mental health should get this type of counselling and support about family planning).

I did have a CS, but I am of the opinion that this is not necessarily the right choice for everyone. It is being heavily pushed as the solution, which I don't think is helpful, as it pushes people into a 'one size fits all solution'. It also means that the mental health support you need might not end up being part of the process, and this ultimately is as important as the eventual way you do give birth. The hospital I went to, was very good about this and did not push either a VB or an ELCS. The focus was on trust and support first and everything else fitted in within that. I am also aware that many women in this situation have gone down the VB route and found it very healing because they were treated with sensitivity and dignity and were given support to try and help empower them throughout the process. (FWIW though, my bonding was not at all affected by having a CS, and I was actively encouraged to hold DS as soon as possible).

My Consultant Midwife also was at pains to say that anxiety is a natural part of having a baby, but its covers a massive range. When you have friends saying things like "nobody cares who has their hand up your fango and any embarrassment etc goes away... and you make the point that but I havent found that reassuring because this isn't embarrassment. It's terror and reliving a decade of the worst, worst moments of my life. then there is a clear difference. You should not be comparing yourself to others or thinking that somehow you are lacking. You are not. You are just in a different place in terms of the range of fear that having a baby has in women. Its all normal, its just that some levels of fear are more common than others, and some women need more support than others. If you have a fear that is affecting you to the degree that it is preventing you having a baby right now, you have a level that needs that extra help. Its a mental health issue which is a medical need just as much as any physical health problem and should be treated as such.

I won't lie; unfortunately treatment is very patchy and does come down to a postcode lottery with many NHS trusts failing to give adequate support to a basic level. Where it exists, priority is giving to women who are already pregnant (as should be the case for obvious reasons) and demand is high. But there are places that do help. Being aware of this, is actually a massively positive thing and half the battle imho. Knowledge is power. You have time on your side if you are not pregnant to work on this all.

If you have a good relationship with your GP that's a massive bonus and a great place to start, but I echo what others say about your GP not necessarily knowing what services are available nearby to you. It can be down to you, to find that out and then ask for that referral (this is the path I took).