Pregnancy and Birth Worries :(

[allloveknows]

I hope this is ok to post here. I wasn't sure whether childbirth would be better but I am worried about the whole process so...

My husband and I are starting to think about having a baby. I know that we both definitely want a baby and we are financially prepared enough etc. I was sexually abused for much of my childhood from a very young age and I am terrified about the process of pregnancy and childbirth.

Intimacy with my husband is brilliant with no problems except very occasionally, which he always handles well. I have also managed smear tests but only with my GP who I have developed an excellent relationship with over many, many years. It is still horrid and traumatic, but possible. My concern is strangers being involved in the process, touching me in any way and especially if what they are doing will cause me pain, I know it will be impossible for me to stay present and not have flashbacks etc.

I have spoken to a few close friends who have had their own babies, all of whom tell me that 'in the moment' nobody cares who has their hand up your fango and any embarrassment etc goes away... but I havent found that reassuring because this isn't embarrassment. It's terror and reliving a decade of the worst, worst moments of my life.

I'm scared of everything that might be done to me but I am also scared that I will be so triggered and stressed and upset that I will not be able to be a good mother to my new baby. That they will suffer because of me suffering. I don't want the people who harmed me to be able to harm my baby, through me.

I'm not sure what my question is, it helps to have written down these thoughts. They swim round my head all the time at the moment. I would be so grateful if anyone would share their experiences or thoughts? If not, thank you for just reading. x

[RedToothBrush]

OP, I had a lot of similar - though different - fears.

They suffocated me and stopped me trying for a baby for many years.

In the end I tracked down what support there was out there, and what my options were and what help I might need. It was a long process, but in that time I do think awareness has improved a great deal on the subject. It is much better than it was just a few years ago but ignorance of the subject still persists in the press, in the public and sadly the profession too.

In the end, I saw my GP BEFORE getting pregnant and was able to get an appointment with a consultant midwife about it, due to how much it was affecting my mental health. I effectively was able to have a 'plan' before getting pregnant which was respected when I did get pregnant as it helped build a relationship of trust and support both before and during my pregnancy.

This is not that typical - though technically anyone should be able to go down this route on the basis of their mental health under NICE guidance (anyone women who has concerns about her mental health should get this type of counselling and support about family planning).

I did have a CS, but I am of the opinion that this is not necessarily the right choice for everyone. It is being heavily pushed as the solution, which I don't think is helpful, as it pushes people into a 'one size fits all solution'. It also means that the mental health support you need might not end up being part of the process, and this ultimately is as important as the eventual way you do give birth. The hospital I went to, was very good about this and did not push either a VB or an ELCS. The focus was on trust and support first and everything else fitted in within that. I am also aware that many women in this situation have gone down the VB route and found it very healing because they were treated with sensitivity and dignity and were given support to try and help empower them throughout the process. (FWIW though, my bonding was not at all affected by having a CS, and I was actively encouraged to hold DS as soon as possible).

My Consultant Midwife also was at pains to say that anxiety is a natural part of having a baby, but its covers a massive range. When you have friends saying things like "nobody cares who has their hand up your fango and any embarrassment etc goes away... and you make the point that but I havent found that reassuring because this isn't embarrassment. It's terror and reliving a decade of the worst, worst moments of my life. then there is a clear difference. You should not be comparing yourself to others or thinking that somehow you are lacking. You are not. You are just in a different place in terms of the range of fear that having a baby has in women. Its all normal, its just that some levels of fear are more common than others, and some women need more support than others. If you have a fear that is affecting you to the degree that it is preventing you having a baby right now, you have a level that needs that extra help. Its a mental health issue which is a medical need just as much as any physical health problem and should be treated as such.

I won't lie; unfortunately treatment is very patchy and does come down to a postcode lottery with many NHS trusts failing to give adequate support to a basic level. Where it exists, priority is giving to women who are already pregnant (as should be the case for obvious reasons) and demand is high. But there are places that do help. Being aware of this, is actually a massively positive thing and half the battle imho. Knowledge is power. You have time on your side if you are not pregnant to work on this all.

If you have a good relationship with your GP that's a massive bonus and a great place to start, but I echo what others say about your GP not necessarily knowing what services are available nearby to you. It can be down to you, to find that out and then ask for that referral (this is the path I took).

[Fruityfruits1234]

allloveknows I don't remember any stretching feeling. I don't remember feeling the examination at all tbh (bear in mind that the contractions hurt far more so that may be why I didn't notice anything). I couldn't see what they were doing so not sure on the details but I doubt they put their whole hand in or I'm sure I'd have known about it! I was under the impression they use 2 fingers and see how far apart they are to estimate the #cm (it's actually not very accurate. It's very subjective). When they were concerned about the baby (rather than trying to establish the number of cms) I think they were just looking rather than doing anything. She shone a bright light to inspect the meconium. I'm sure if I hadn't been 9cm dilated id have found that a bit intrusive but in those circumstances I wasn't that bothered. She did ask me first and explain about things.

Make it clear in your notes what you want (or don't want) in terms of stretch and sweeps before labour. These are offered from 39 or 40 weeks I think. This could be a trigger for you as you may get that stretching feeling. There's no obligation to have sweeps. There's only limited evidence that they work anyway so easily avoided.

When you are triggered is there anything they could do that might help you? Sorry if I'm being a bit naive. I have no experience in this area so if this is unrealistic please just ignore it. I was just thinking it might be worth coming up with a plan of what to do if you are triggered just in case (like get everyone to stop, leave the room, while your birth partner talks you through it, and birth partner could then also explain to the mw what has triggered you and how best to re-approach the situation before they come back in). If there's anything you can think might help it's worth asking. I think the advice of PPs about finding out about specialist services is a good idea. there will be others who have been in your position (unfortunately as no one should have to go through abuse) they will have lots of experience and should be able to help you come up with things that will make this easier for you.

[3luckystars]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and that it is making the decision to have a child difficult for you.
Not the same at all, but my sister has a bad phobia of hospitals, its very very extreme and nobody thought she would ever have a baby. Its really bad!

Anyway, she went privately to a gynaecologist, found one she could trust 100% and had a planned c section, all under control, took all the drugs and got home as quickly as possible. And do you know what, she went on to have a second child too and is absolutely fine.

Giving birth is one day out of a childs life and c sections can be lovely!
google natural c sections

I wish you all the very best and have confidence you will find a way to do this with the right support. Good luck to you x

[pitterpatterrain]

I have found that there are additional/different services available - like a MW team near me in London that do continuity care - I would not have found out except I explained something to the MW that has mean she will move me to the team that will be consistent between check-ups and birth in hospital as seeing new people each time was causing problems. They are also 100% fine with me having an ELCS if I chose in the end due to what I have discussed (although I recognise that this varies in location).

I would echo PP that suggest to investigate what is out there, you may need to be more proactive and raise these discussions with an advocate supporting you along the way.

Regarding what they put inside (hand/fingers/finger) I don't recall from the last time I gave birth, you may need a detailed discussion with the MW. I believe they demonstrated how they check dilation and what they are looking/feeling for in an antenatal class.

[allloveknows]

Fruityfruits that's a really helpful post. Thank you. I think you are definitely right about the specifics of when and why I would need an internal exam.

Am I right in imagining that they do just put their hand inside you? Not a finger? I'm struggling to see how it would even fit (I guess labour changes that though) and (sorry tmi) it's the stretch feeling that is usually my big trigger. At my smear test the speculum being put in was okay ish but it was once she opened it and the overstretched feeling kicked in that I couldn't cope and totally panicked. Thankfully the person supporting me was calm and we got through.

I am sort of hoping that baby stretch (inside to out) will be less triggering than my experience of sex/trauma overstretching from out to in.... Don't know if that is just really naive.

[Fruityfruits1234]

I'll try to stick to the facts as I don't want to scare you but I think it's important to be honest and realistic. You need to get the number of your midwives from your gp and have an appointment with the head of midwives or someone similar who can agree what vaginal examinations you don't need and which ones you would need to prepare yourself for. Based on my experience in a midwife led unit here are the things you would need to confirm with the head of midwives before trying for a vaginal birth:

• do you need a vaginal examination to prove you are in active labour. - my contractions were irregular so they kept saying I wasn't in labour until a vaginal exam showed 6cm. I've heard of others also having issues with being admitted if you won't have this vaginal exam but there are plenty of other ways to confirm if you are in active labour it just might need to be agreed beforehand with the supervisor of midwives
  

• do you need a vaginal exam before pain relief can be offered? I was told I did, but I don't believe this is true so you could get this agreed beforehand.
  

• under what circumstances would you need a vaginal exam for the safety of you and your baby. So if all goes well really there should be no need at all for any vaginal exam in my opinion and you shouldn't need to have anyone bothering you or touching you. But you seem to be aware that things don't always go to plan and want to prepare for that too whichI think this is very sensible. I needed a vaginal exam as there was meconium in my waters so they needed to take a close look at that (is it old? Is it new? Is it a sign that baby's not ok?). I also needed one to establish the position of the baby's head as he was malpostioned. This information was really important to ensure the safety of the baby and informed what we did next. So I think it's important you are able to have a vaginal exam in those kind of circumstances. Do you think you would be able to cope with exams if they were safety related and the reasons clearly explained?
  

Also if you tear you would need to allow someone to repair the damage. Small tears are not uncommon in 1st time mums and tend to heal quickly and without issue so shouldn't be anything to worry about unless it could be a trigger.

You will also probably need to let people look down below in the weeks following the birth to ensure all is healing properly especially if there are any stitches although I suppose you could decline this unless you had a specific concern.

Alternatively you could go for a c section (I have experience of this too). You may feel more in control this way as they can explain exactly what's happening. there will be the catheter going in but other than that I think it will be your lower tummy that gets most of the attention. Any appointments after the birth will also be focuses on the stomach healing with maybe a few questions about the level of blood loss. You will have to be naked from waist down but maybe they could put a sheet over you for as long as possible. I had no bonding issues at all and breastfed no problem too. I've heard of more problems with the bonding and breastfeeding with forceps births.

I would strongly recommend a doula or other sympathetic woman to accompany you. This person should know your fears and worries and what's been agreed about vaginal exams etc. And will fight your corner if you come into contact with a stubborn/unsympathetic midwife/nurse/doctor. You can relax and let them make sure all exams etc are necessary and your wishes are followed. Although I'm sure the vast majority will understand your situation and be sensitive it's an unfortunately fact of life that there is always a risk of someone misunderstanding/not reading your notes properly/being insensitive and the doulas job is too kick ass on your behalf so that you don't get triggered and don't have to fight whilst 9cm dilated and trying to cope with contractions or nervous and trying to prepare for your cs.

You sound like a very strong woman to have come through all of this and Therefore I have no doubt you will find a way to do this and will be a wonderful mother

[mercurialrising]

I apologise. Having read through this thread I realise that my description was too graphic for the nature of this thread. I am sorry OP. It wasn't my intention to heighten your fears.

I think what I was trying to get across was a couple of things. Negative experiences during labour are hugely damaging to your mental health. I say this as someone who has had symptoms of ptsd. I think that the mental wellbeing of a person should take high importance on any decisions about childbirth. Also, the changeover of staff in a hospital setting can mean that certain things get missed or overlooked - something that I am sure a doula can help with.

[Primaryteach87]

In my area we have specialist pregnancy mental health nurse and a specialist midwife that women who have been abused/raped are referred to. They are utterly incredible and totally understand about flashbacks, triggers etc. They write a emotional wellbeing plan for women.

Even though this amazing service is available, my GP had never heard of it and was generally clueless. So I'd advise ringing the supervisor of midwives at your local hospital to ask.

[allloveknows]

That is reassuring. Thank you.

[Lules]

I can't really give any advice, but there will be people who can (try your GP or the charity mentioned above). I wanted to say though that I didn't hold my baby straight after my EMCS but I don't think that's necessary at all to bond. It wasn't immediate but I fell in love with my baby in the most amazing way in the few weeks after birth. I've spoken to friends who've had vaginal births and it wasnt immediate for them either so I don't think that makes a difference. You would also be likely to be able to hold your baby straight after a planned c section anyway.

[SpeakNoWords]

With a c section, the baby can be placed straight onto your chest for skin to skin whilst they complete the operation. The baby doesn't have to go out of your sight at all. (Barring medical emergencies of course).

Both my babies were whisked away to special care because they were very poorly and I didn't see DS1 till the next day as I was also unwell. It didn't affect my bond with him at all, it isn't inevitable that it would affect bonding. It's something to be aware of, but it doesn't have to be a problem.

[SpeakNoWords]

Don't let a random person's story on the internet put you off something that you clearly want. Speak to the people at the My Body Back Project and see what help there is out there. I've just had my second baby and nothing at all like that happened at all.
I was in control the whole time, even when things became a fairly urgent situation for the safety of my babies. No one even touched me without my consent, either time.

[allloveknows]

Thank you bluebird. A c section might be the way to go. I don't want my baby to miss out on the initial bonding with me though. My mum and I were separated and my therapist is sure that that separation is a big part of my attachment issues. I worry about not being able to hold her or him straight away to bond.

[allloveknows]

If that happens to women I am never having a baby. Just another thing theyve stolen from me :'(

[Bluebird126]

Just wanted to send hugs xx. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to go through what you did as a child, OP and my heart goes out to you.

I can emphasise with some of your fears and this is where I'm at - maybe it will be of some help who knows? I am very very upset around medical procedures ( crying during blood tests, crying and distressed for smears etc). This is a fear - phobia if you like that I've learned from my mother who is a lot worse than me. She also had a hard time with her pregnancies. Consequently I've put off getting pregnant for a long time and am only now brave enough to do it in my forties! I'm thrilled that baby is coming as I'm sure you are .

Anyway I joined here to read as many experiences as possible, and I've concluded that for me, to request a planned CS seems to make the most sense. Pros: no internals, forceps, instruments, random people poking about, tears, stitches etc. And most of all you know exactly what will happen. I am going to request one soon. I understand it's major surgery but if you read around it seems to me it's less traumatic for someone with these fears.

For me the idea of the catheter is frightening but I think this can happen during epidural so there's only the removal to get through (people will say it's nothing, but I say to them a fear of spiders is nothing as I'm not scared of them!! This is all too real!). I have recently read you can have a general aesthetic which I'm considering as so scared of being awake during surgery - which nobody understands not even DP. Also of being able to have Valium with epidural which I took once and was some seriously good shit. I'm also starting hypnotherapy, having tried before (ok-ish) but this time I'm going with the most experienced highest rated super hypnotherapist I can afford.

Phew sorry so long! I would suggest you do as I did and read around as much as you can, because you DO have choices. Big hugs and you will get through this xxx

[SpeakNoWords]

Please know that what mercurialrising has posted is extremely unusual and not at all representative of what happens. I'm not sure how she thought it would help you to post her experience in detail, as clearly all it has done is scared the crap out of you.

I hope that mercurialrising complained about her treatment and that the midwife concerned was disciplined. Tbh it's also an assault (to continue a medical exam after consent is withdrawn), so she could also contact the police I feel.

This is where your birth partner and/or a doula are invaluable for advocating for you if you become unable to do so yourself. In your situation, a midwife should not be able to even start an internal exam without understanding your particular needs.

[allloveknows]

Oh god :(

[mercurialrising]

I have debated whether or not to post this as it is a very negative experience but thought in the end that it is relevant.

I had a 35 hour labour with my son who was in the back-to-back position. Most internal examinations were not at all painful, just uncomfortable. However, when I had been in labour for over 30 hours I was transferred from the midwife-led unit to the labour ward. I was shouting hysterically at this point as I had lost confidence in the people around me (the midwives at the birth centre had failed to spot the malpresentation of the baby), I had lost the pain relieving effect of the water bath and was desperate for an epidural. The first midwife was simply watching the clock until the end of her shift and did not engage with me in any meaningful way. The new midwife who started her shift was very judgemental, and I don't think she had any regard for how long I had been in labour or how much pain I was in. There was a long wait for the anaesthetist to come and then problems with getting the epidural in. Before the epidural was sited she gave me what felt like an intentionally rough internal examination. When I screamed in pain she didn't stop. When she took her hand out her fingers were dripping with blood. It was pretty horrendous.

I can't imagine what that situation would have been like for someone with a history of abuse. Whether or not it was intentional can never be known. All I can say is that it certainly felt that way to me at the time.

[Liss85]

I don't know if this helps any, but I'm 36 weeks and no one has looked any further than my stomach so it would probably just be the birth you needed to worry about rather than the whole pregnancy too.

[SpeakNoWords]

There are midwife-only units in many parts of the country, and they are a lot less "hospitally" than a delivery ward, ifyswim. If there's one near you then that might be an option? They're meant to be more like a home setting, and would only have midwives there, so no doctors etc.

Also I think it would be really worth contacting the new centre in London that's just opened, through the charity "My Body Back Project". Even though you're not near London there may be things they can do to help and advise.

[emsyj]

What location are you in OP? You could look at whether the One to One Midwives service is available in your area. You would have a named midwife who would see you for all ante natal appointments, accompany you to scans and also do your 6 weeks of post-birth care. You could book a home birth with your midwife and if you chose or needed to transfer to hospital your midwife would accompany you in a doula support role (they cannot deliver you in the hospital for insurance reasons).
I dont know about the various counselling services available so I will leave that to others to advise on, but One to One might be something to look at. I had an emcs under ga first time and it was fairly traumatic, so I had a home birth second time with a midwife whom I knew and trusted. I had no examinations. I would think you would need to have contact with your chosen hospital beforehand to make your wishes known in the event you transfer.
The idea of a doula is definitely worth looking into too. Having someone you trust who is able to advocate for you (I think this is a difficult role for a partner to perform well, as birth is new to them too and they may prioritise following what a medical professional tells them out of a feeling of stress or ignorance rather than question them and seek infornation etc). Having someone who is much less emotionally invested and who is highly informed about birth in general and your wishes to speak out for you when you may be too stressed/tired/preoccupied to do it yourself can be very valuable.
I am sorry that your reaction to the nurse you mention was met with such a lack of understanding and empathy. Best of luck with everything.

[allloveknows]

A home birth does appeal in some senses because I would be in a safe environment but I don't want my lovely home to become a reminder of an awful experience if I am triggered. Also not sure that if I had to be rushed to hospital if that would then allow me time for people there to know about me.

Feel like crying tonight. :(

[ispymincepie]

Nobody will take your baby away. Absolutely nothing in the way or checks or procedures is essential, even in an emergency, you can decline even if it puts your baby at risk.
How would you feel about a home birth? Just your husband and a midwife and no examinations?

[allloveknows]

Thank you for sharing. I also wonder whether a c section would be better if it felt more medical rather than having some stranger's hand up my bits... but I guess that is something to discuss.

I think preparing for the inevitability of after birth checks etc might be key... maybe it would help to know which are deemed absolutely essential and which are nice to have but not essential. My GP when I discussed it with him said that checks to see how far you are dilated aren't essential. Just very helpful. So I guess I could refuse those unless they had an extremely good reason to believe either of us were in real danger.

Thank you for sharing your experience and best wishes for the next time around x

[Allinittogether]

I could not leave this and run- name changed just for you! I can't offer lots of advice but I can share my experience.

I was abused as a child for several years (7-12). The only person on earth other than the abuser who knows about this is DH. Bizarrely, I have always just been able to put it in a mental box and I've been lucky that it has not affected my life in any significant way despite having no counselling etc. If I think about it, it makes me sad and angry but I have buried it for years it is as though it happened to someone else. That said, I do not like strangers touching me and am not particularly affectionate, apart from with DD.

I was planning a natural birth with DD but for medical reasons she ended up being a planned c section. It does not give you any more dignity- you are on a table naked from the waist down, legs akimbo whilst they put the catheter in etc. However, because I was completely clear on what was happening and therefore felt in control and no one had to put their hands anywhere to"check" dilation etc but rather for a medical insertion etc, somehow, being "medical" made it seem OK to me and I did not feel vulnerable. I did request no Drs / midwives in training to avoid extra people in the theatre. There is an unavoudable inevutability to having to be checked and looked at post birth to check how you're healing with both options - can be someone different each time so you may have to prepare yourself for this. As I had such a positive c section experience last time, I'm opting for this again. But if anyone tells me I am too posh to push, I might just lamp them- this is a lesson for us all- no one knows why people choose what they choose and sometimes there are very real psychological reasons why people make their birth choices. We should not judge one another. Best of luck xx