Is it true...???

[mameulah]

My friend recently gave birth and has spoken a lot about the things she didn't expect or didn't know about before the baby got here.

One of the things she mentioned was having to explain to her dh how painful and impossible it is to see the baby cry when someone else is holding it and how she just HAS to get the baby back. I am natural worrier and I know I will be an overprotective Mummy.

How have you all coped socially when other people have been holding your baby, especially when s/he is crying? Are people understanding or do they get offended?

[stargirl1701]

I was really surprised that I missed my bump. I cried (sobbed) about in the bath 6 days after the birth. Took me totally by surprise!

[willyoulistentome]

Sorry for late reply. Luckily onlysoe of the little kids and other cousins were about in the room at the time so I could be quite firm. I just said "No, I really want him please" and held my arms out. She gave him back no problem, but I was quite amazed that she thought she could comfort such a hysterical 2 week old baby. He needed me and my boobs nad that was that!

[mummybare]

I used to make a joke out of it. Something like, 'The good thing about other people's babies is you can give them back when they cry!' As I force a laugh and wrestle calmly take baby back.

[nickelrocketgoBooooooom]

that baby crying thing in the OP - i didn't have that at the very beginning, but yes, after a few days, i would think "just bloody give me the bloody baby!"

it was mainly because she would be crying or rooting and they'd all stand there going "ooh, there's nothing there for you!" twats.

[nickelrocketgoBooooooom]

and no, DHs don't understand.
when I'm there and she uncomfy or moaning, I have to take her off him or stand there telling him how he's holding her wrong.

(even though me having her doesn't always calm her down)

[greenbananas]

When DS was 2 weeks old, I refused to let MIL take him for a walk around the block in the pram (bless her, she was ever so disappointed, but she got over it). When he cried, nobody was allowed to hold him except me, not even DH, no matter how tired I was. I turned into a mother tiger, and was convinced that nobody else could calm him as well as I could (this was in fact true, as I was breastfeeding, and nothing calms a newborn baby like a comforting snuggly feed with his mummy).

I think most people with any experience of babies know that new mums get like this, and are willing to accomodate them as far as possible. If anybody is so rude as to ignore your desperate, biological need to hold your own baby, then they deserve you being a little bit rude in return.

Even if you do end up bottle-feeding, current advice is that the baby should only be fed by a very few people, as it is not good for babies to be passed around too much when they are very young.

Some people may helpfully offer to hold the baby while you have a bath/sleep or 'a bit of a break'. Don't be afraid to ask them to do the washing up instead, so that you can laze around on the sofa feeding the baby!

[QTPie]

You want your baby back, then ask for it back (and don't take no for an answer ;) ).

Honestly, though, when someone is holding a baby that then cries, they are normaly pretty quick to pass it back ;)

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Heck, I didn't even let the midwife touch my baby, even when he was coming out of me.

[EdgarAllanPond]

nah, my MIL will stand there with an obviously hungry baby jogging it and cooing at it until it is totally enraged and desperate to feed.

then it's my job to calm it down.

that was my first. now i just robustly take baby from her, and get a chippy comment.

[CailinDana]

I'm lucky that my family (on both sides) were very considerate about this and would always look to me before picking DS up and would hand him back if I looked in any way antsy. As a result I was quite happy to let them have him as I knew they would do what he needed, not what they wanted. They were great really I was very fortunate.

[Shriekable]

Don't be polite - I tried this with my in-laws (only with 1st DC, I know better now!) and they tried to walk all over me! I was fine with some, not so fine with others. As others have said, just grab DC & say 'oh time to feed you.' this worked brilliantly for me as I was breast feeding, so they couldn't offer to feed him. I used to take DS upstairs & just sit with him (if he wasn't hungry). I would set out your ground rules straight away - my in laws backed off. I would like to add that I'm not being awful: FIL ok, MIL rather flakey.

[MamaMary]

I honestly only felt like this when I KNEW DD needed to get to sleep and it was unsettling her.

Otherwise, I was happy for people to hold her, whether she was crying, sleeping or fell asleep in their arms. So not everyone is like this!

I also would have loved someone to take her out in the pram for a walk.

[QTPie]

It definitely is n advantage of breastfeeding - no-one else can feed them (unless you express and decide they can have an expressed bottle for that feed). You get so much together time :)

[oikopolis]

When I hand DS to others, I say "just give him back if he starts looking like he'll cry", and they do. I didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't tbh. If anyone said "oh just a minute, I'll settle him" I'd probably give them the evils and hold my hands out until I received him back!

And my DM knows better than to keep the child from me. And my MIL isn't in the picture partly because DH knows she's the type to refuse to return DS to his parent...

[Leafmould]

Mameulah: other possibly not hormonal response may be:

Dear partner, you are changing her nappy wrong, it must be done like x, y, z

Oh no, you haben't put her vest on! She needs to be undressed and dressed all over again.

Oyou can't bath the baby like that! That's not how I do it!



Etc etc. I found that since I was doing most of the baby care, it was very difficult to see others doing it 'wrong'. All these negative reactions just served to discourage other people from doing any of the baby's care at all. On reflection, I should have let them do it their way, and perhaps made a gentle comment another time.

[cece]

IME people voluntarily hand babies back as soon as they start to cry! At least I always do.

[mameulah]

Thank you everyone, anymore tips then please post them. It makes me feel so much more confident knowing that I am not the only person in the world with these feelings!

[elfycat]

I found that if DD1 cried I would start to get wound up and the only was to unwind was to have the baby and do it myself (BF, change nappy, hug etc). Other than that I was quite happy to hand a quiet/sleeping baby over to anyone. The same was true of DD2.

I would just say 'Time to give her/him back please', short, sweet, not a question or discussion point.

I was a bit of an attachment parent with babywearing, co-sleeping, bf. I spent much of my day sitting with a book or laptop conveniently close with an infant on my lap. Feed, sleep, feed, sleep, for weeks. That's what my maternity leave was for.

At some point they start getting more settled without you and you can find your own balance on their need/your need. And if you need a nap or a shower or a cup of tea in a room on your own just ask whoever you trust to hold the baby. I needed that from time to time too.

[liveinazoo]

when mine were babies i wanted them bck the second they cried
i breastfed and dp just handed them back and assumed they were hungry and i put them to the breast to soothe them-sometimes a littel suckle and they would fall asleep

anyone else and i did get a bit shirty on occasion but a tthe end of the day they were MY kids and its natural not to want to see your child distressed

[ItsMyLastOne]

I always found it very very difficult when people were holding my DD and she was crying. Even now she's 2.2 I find it hard seeing other people try to comfort her if she's upset. When she was tiny I would just let it happen and feel annoyed/uncomfortable while it was happening. This time I don't think I'll be so shy about taking the baby back.

I think it's just an instinct you have, and generally your child will prefer you to settle them. My DD is very independent and often seems like she doesn't even notice I'm there, but as soon as she's hurt or upset she comes straight to me.

fraktion my PILs and SILs looked after DD for about 2 hours when she was 5 weeks old while we went out for our anniversary. I didn't like the idea at all. We came back to find they'd had her in the living room naked (in November but they didn't know how to turn the heating on so it was freezing) and had been filming her whilst lying precariously on top of some cushions. They were also surprised when she did a wee everywhere. They weren't allowed to look after her for a while after that!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It's never been an issue when anybody else wanted to hold any of my babies until they started to cry then it was. DH was always ok about me getting tigerish when this happened he believed as I do that whilst men and women are equal we do have slight biological differences and some of those are designed to contribute towards making sure baby's needs are met.

The other thing I found was when people did the throw the baby up thing when they were a bit bigger it turned me murderious. Obviously I don't mean lobbing one across a room but the thing loads of people do when they throw them up and catch them.

Other weird stuff I wish I knew......

Babies are often purple when they are born and some of them don't cry at all at birth or the first day/ night.

Other people's babies may make your boobs let down but even if that happens you may struggle to express milk if your baby is away from you.

On the first night and possibly subsequent ones you may have an urge to stay up all night just watching the baby to make sure it is still breathing unless you have a genuine reason to fear this fight the urge or you will be shattered beyond imagination spending several nights pulling all night parties in your teens is not adequate preparation for sitting up staring at a sleeping baby for 3 nights in a row.

Oh and nobody gives a flying fuck if you iron baby grows.if they do pay no attention.

[mameulah]

sockreturningpixie

People throw your baby up in the air!!! Honestly, the more I hear about this the more I want to build an underground bunker and go there and hide with the baby and my DH for about twenty years. And I am not joking.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I'm not explaining it very well. But loads of people do it usually when sat down they hold the baby under the arms hold it above there face make stupid noises and throw it up a few inches then catch.

It makes steam come out of my ears and I want to maim them.

Be alert for it it's often done by those you would least expect.

[mameulah]

sockreturningpixie

I am fascinated (and horrified)! How old is your baby when people decide that this is okay? And, have you found a way to say 'STOP IT' without sounding as angry as you feel?

[LadyKinbote]

The worst for me is when the baby cries in the back of the car and you know they won't settle. On one occasion I leapt out of the car during a traffic jam, grabbed the baby and walked alongside a bemused DH driving the car.

Also, don't listen to that bollocks about the baby blues only lasting a day. I was a sobbing mess for the first month with both of mine (not depressed just hormonal) and then got miraculously better.