Is it true...???

[mameulah]

My friend recently gave birth and has spoken a lot about the things she didn't expect or didn't know about before the baby got here.

One of the things she mentioned was having to explain to her dh how painful and impossible it is to see the baby cry when someone else is holding it and how she just HAS to get the baby back. I am natural worrier and I know I will be an overprotective Mummy.

How have you all coped socially when other people have been holding your baby, especially when s/he is crying? Are people understanding or do they get offended?

[ItsMyLastOne]

socks You're absolutely right!

I totally agree that there will be times you miss being pregnant and having the baby to yourself. This baby doesn't move much compared to DD. I actually, rather selfishly, like that it's only me who knows when she's moving and gets to feel everything. I'm finding this pregnancy tough but I do keep reminding myself to enjoy it while it lasts as soon she'll feel like public property.

[mameulah]

Thank you everyone, this really is a great comfort.

Signet2012 Your advice is very practical and really helpful. My dh is very good at being rationale and kind and I have been able to rely on him many times before to help me find perspective when my hormones are ruling my brain. Also, a really good tip about eating my fists!

EMS23 I agree with everything you have said. I suppose that one of the biggest issues I am facing at the moment is that the idea our pregnancy becomes our baby is still really abstract. Almost to the day, this time last year, we suffered a missed miscarriage and that through self preservation I don't know that I will believe that all this is going to be okay until I am holding the baby in my arms.

Chubbychipmonk I can imagine wanting to hide the baby back inside me so that it was 'just mine' (and my dh's!) already. Last night we were watching the baby move inside me while I was in the bath. It was such a precious time and there is something so lovely that that only belongs to us.

[chroniclackofimagination]

I had an epic meltdown when DS was 5 weeks old and DP took him out for a few hours with his mother and aunt. He was late back and DS missed a feed. I have never been so angry, I thought I might attack someone. . Crazy crazy hormones but I'm expecting the intensity with DS2 due next week and hope that will make it easier.

The madness faded over the weeks and although I am still very protective I really enjoy watching DS's relationships with his Daddy and our families.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Itsmylast I'm almost certain that the ones who like baby throwing would probably try to get away with it before the cords even cut, they are really that determined but by god if you try and do it to there cat they get all antsy

Wankers the bloody lot of them

[ItsMyLastOne]

sockreturningpixie were you referring to the baby-throwing-in-the-air thing as having been from about 5 months? My DD was being chucked about like a rugby ball from a few weeks old! bloody ILs

[elfycat]

mameulah don't worry over this unnecessarily. We've all answered your original question and I haven't seen anyone saying 'oh that doesn't happen, how odd'.

Forewarned is forearmed and all those sayings. You can now discuss with people that you plan to do an own-version-organic-parenting-attachment thing. You're not sure how it will go but you want to maximise bonding opportunities. Look up some of the stuff on what secure and bright children it makes. Get DH on side (is he reading this?) and let him know it's nothing personal about him and ask him to support you with family.

Then do it your way. If you want to hold the baby at any time then you should. The same is true if you just want a bit of time for yourself - my daily showers (though brief) were sacred me time. Someone else can just cope for a bit, then hand the baby back at the speed of light when you're done.

[EMS23]

Whilst I agree about the crying thing I don't think you should wind yourself up too much about people 'treating your baby like a toy'.
Anticipating hating anyone else touching your baby is adding unnecessary stress. It's not just your baby, it's a grandchild, a niece/ nephew, a cousin etc... Unless you have genuine concerns for its safety, do try to trust people you would normally trust. Obviously once the baby starts crying all bets are off and just take the baby back, end of, no discussion. Hands out, smile, 'thanks, I'll take her back now'.

I feel physical pain if either of my DD's cry and I'm not holding them or able to comfort them. Since DD2 was born I've had to listen to DD1 cry and not be able to get to her and it breaks my heart plus hurts in my chest and stomach but I have 2 small kids and only one pair of arms so its unavoidable.

[chubbychipmonk]

Echoing what another poster said, be prepared to miss your 'bump'. Much as I was delighted to be able to see & hold my DS, there were times I just wanted him back inside me so that he was just mine. Sounds a bit creepy but you'll see what I mean!!

[Signet2012]

Well. My baby is 8 weeks now and I Have found the following helpful.

• take the baby back whenever you need to. Get your dp to do this for you if your not comfortable.
• if you are overly emotional then just be honest "I know your probably thinking I'm mad but my hormones are ruling my brain and I really can't bear it if she cries"
• remember its your baby and no is a complete sentence.
• the biggest help to me is my partner. He lets me know when I'm being ott (kindly) and when my hormones are clouding my judgement. He is also good at letting people know if I'm not ok or he isn't ok with something. He can say the words whilst I'm sat eating my fists.

[mameulah]

Wow!!! This all sounds more stressful than any aspect of labour or pregnancy. Why do people think it is okay to treat your brand new delicious baby like a toy?

I am a really emotional person at the best of times. The idea that I then have to cope with people entertaining themselves by playing with my baby makes me feel physically sick.

I am so worried about how I cope with it all when I am at my most vulnerable and emotionally charged. It is a big relief to me to know that I am not the only person who feels like this.

Please keep your stories coming, I appreciate them very much.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

I was like this from the start. It was admittedly made worse by my inlaws taking then 10day old DD for a walk "round the block". They were gone over an hour I was in such a state DP had to get my mum round! tbf to him he did try to call both their mobiles to ask them to bring DD home again and they'd left them at home probably on purpose

It does ease with time though. But you do need to give yourself time. I think I would have got over my anxiety a lot quicker despite my PND diagnosis when DD was 3 weeks old, if PIL had not done what they did. It did NOT help either me or DD. We didn't bond until she was nearer 2 years old. coincidently, that was the same age I finally agreed that PIL could have her on her own again.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Well normal people do it when the baby is about 1 but weird none sensible people start trying at about 5 months.

Sadly the only way to stop them is by saying " please don't" this never works so you then have to threaten the life of the person doing it but I guess if you smile at the same time it's probably a bit nicer.

[TerracottaPie]

I've been mostly fine with other people having DC3 but I can hear him crying right now upstairs and I'm sitting on my hands and trying to stop myself wanting to go up and take him off DP.

Only trouble is he's nearly 11mo, I go back to work on Monday and as I work evenings we're having to get a new routine where DP can feed and settle him. I bf usually but this isn't an option when I'm not there!

I was way worse with DC1 though. Couldn't bear anyone near her and hated anyone holding her.

[LadyKinbote]

The worst for me is when the baby cries in the back of the car and you know they won't settle. On one occasion I leapt out of the car during a traffic jam, grabbed the baby and walked alongside a bemused DH driving the car.

Also, don't listen to that bollocks about the baby blues only lasting a day. I was a sobbing mess for the first month with both of mine (not depressed just hormonal) and then got miraculously better.

[mameulah]

sockreturningpixie

I am fascinated (and horrified)! How old is your baby when people decide that this is okay? And, have you found a way to say 'STOP IT' without sounding as angry as you feel?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I'm not explaining it very well. But loads of people do it usually when sat down they hold the baby under the arms hold it above there face make stupid noises and throw it up a few inches then catch.

It makes steam come out of my ears and I want to maim them.

Be alert for it it's often done by those you would least expect.

[mameulah]

sockreturningpixie

People throw your baby up in the air!!! Honestly, the more I hear about this the more I want to build an underground bunker and go there and hide with the baby and my DH for about twenty years. And I am not joking.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It's never been an issue when anybody else wanted to hold any of my babies until they started to cry then it was. DH was always ok about me getting tigerish when this happened he believed as I do that whilst men and women are equal we do have slight biological differences and some of those are designed to contribute towards making sure baby's needs are met.

The other thing I found was when people did the throw the baby up thing when they were a bit bigger it turned me murderious. Obviously I don't mean lobbing one across a room but the thing loads of people do when they throw them up and catch them.

Other weird stuff I wish I knew......

Babies are often purple when they are born and some of them don't cry at all at birth or the first day/ night.

Other people's babies may make your boobs let down but even if that happens you may struggle to express milk if your baby is away from you.

On the first night and possibly subsequent ones you may have an urge to stay up all night just watching the baby to make sure it is still breathing unless you have a genuine reason to fear this fight the urge or you will be shattered beyond imagination spending several nights pulling all night parties in your teens is not adequate preparation for sitting up staring at a sleeping baby for 3 nights in a row.

Oh and nobody gives a flying fuck if you iron baby grows.if they do pay no attention.

[ItsMyLastOne]

I always found it very very difficult when people were holding my DD and she was crying. Even now she's 2.2 I find it hard seeing other people try to comfort her if she's upset. When she was tiny I would just let it happen and feel annoyed/uncomfortable while it was happening. This time I don't think I'll be so shy about taking the baby back.

I think it's just an instinct you have, and generally your child will prefer you to settle them. My DD is very independent and often seems like she doesn't even notice I'm there, but as soon as she's hurt or upset she comes straight to me.

fraktion my PILs and SILs looked after DD for about 2 hours when she was 5 weeks old while we went out for our anniversary. I didn't like the idea at all. We came back to find they'd had her in the living room naked (in November but they didn't know how to turn the heating on so it was freezing) and had been filming her whilst lying precariously on top of some cushions. They were also surprised when she did a wee everywhere. They weren't allowed to look after her for a while after that!

[liveinazoo]

when mine were babies i wanted them bck the second they cried
i breastfed and dp just handed them back and assumed they were hungry and i put them to the breast to soothe them-sometimes a littel suckle and they would fall asleep

anyone else and i did get a bit shirty on occasion but a tthe end of the day they were MY kids and its natural not to want to see your child distressed

[elfycat]

I found that if DD1 cried I would start to get wound up and the only was to unwind was to have the baby and do it myself (BF, change nappy, hug etc). Other than that I was quite happy to hand a quiet/sleeping baby over to anyone. The same was true of DD2.

I would just say 'Time to give her/him back please', short, sweet, not a question or discussion point.

I was a bit of an attachment parent with babywearing, co-sleeping, bf. I spent much of my day sitting with a book or laptop conveniently close with an infant on my lap. Feed, sleep, feed, sleep, for weeks. That's what my maternity leave was for.

At some point they start getting more settled without you and you can find your own balance on their need/your need. And if you need a nap or a shower or a cup of tea in a room on your own just ask whoever you trust to hold the baby. I needed that from time to time too.

[mameulah]

Thank you everyone, anymore tips then please post them. It makes me feel so much more confident knowing that I am not the only person in the world with these feelings!

[cece]

IME people voluntarily hand babies back as soon as they start to cry! At least I always do.

[Leafmould]

Mameulah: other possibly not hormonal response may be:

Dear partner, you are changing her nappy wrong, it must be done like x, y, z

Oh no, you haben't put her vest on! She needs to be undressed and dressed all over again.

Oyou can't bath the baby like that! That's not how I do it!



Etc etc. I found that since I was doing most of the baby care, it was very difficult to see others doing it 'wrong'. All these negative reactions just served to discourage other people from doing any of the baby's care at all. On reflection, I should have let them do it their way, and perhaps made a gentle comment another time.

[oikopolis]

When I hand DS to others, I say "just give him back if he starts looking like he'll cry", and they do. I didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't tbh. If anyone said "oh just a minute, I'll settle him" I'd probably give them the evils and hold my hands out until I received him back!

And my DM knows better than to keep the child from me. And my MIL isn't in the picture partly because DH knows she's the type to refuse to return DS to his parent...