Webchat with Professor Tanya Byron: Tuesday 8 July, 1-2pm.

[RachelMumsnet]

Professor Tanya Byron will be joining us for a webchat at 1pm on Tuesday 8 July. Tanya is a practicing consultant in child and adolescent mental health and author of several books including her latest, The Skeleton Cupboard, our June non-fiction book of the month.

The Skeleton Cupboard is Professor Tanya Byron's fascinating account of her years training as a clinical psychologist. The Skeleton Cupboard recounts the period when she found herself in the toughest placements of her career. Through the eyes of her naive and inexperienced younger self, Tanya shares remarkable stories of the people who came to her for help with a multitude of difficulties. The patients she sees suffer from loneliness, anorexia and anxiety, as well as severe cases of dementia and a psychopath with a knife.

Find out more about the book, read an extract here

Come and chat to Tanya about her experiences training and working as a psychologist, her book or tap into her expertise and ask her a question about any psychological and emotional issues that may be affecting you or your family.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Hi, Tanya.

I have a very lovely intelligent 15 year old who really struggles with social skills. His paediatrician requested a Cahms referral, but they won't see him as they believe they wanted the paediatrician to help her diagnose him, and despite her asking again and confirming that this isn't what she or I want, they still won't see him. In the mean time he's becoming more and more alienated at school from the other boys but he doesn't see this as his problem, and I've no idea what else I can do. He's an only child and I'm a single parent. His father isn't interested (which brings other problems as he can often feel as though he's in the way and unwanted). He's always been incredibly bright and has never thought of himself as a child (he doesn't have enough traits to have an Aspergers diagnosis). He's very outspoken, thinks he's always right and comes across as a little teacher, and he doesn't realise that this is part of the reason why he's finding things so tough and he's becoming anxious about the other boys at school because they seem so hostile towards him. He's also dyspraxic.

It seems as though no one really wants to help him. I try to guide him but he 'knows best' so it's a constant struggle and it doesn't always sink in. I've tried changing my approach and changing the way I explain things but it makes no difference. Is there anything else I can do to help him?

We don't live near London or I'd get in tough with your secretary and make an appointment.

Thank you

[Bonsoir]

Hello Tanya

I haven't read your book but I did read the extract on Imogen that was linked to in the OP to this thread.

Imogen's story is a damning indictment of poor parental care - parents too busy pursuing their own exciting lives to ensure that their children are physically and emotionally safe. I, sadly, know several families first hand where "(upper) middle class neglect" has resulted in protracted psychiatric inpatient stays for teenagers. My experience is that parents find it very hard to back track and pay more attention to parenting, even when disaster has struck more than once. What can be done to raise awareness among a population that has been primed for very public measures of success in life?

[1805]

Dear Tanya,

Our 9yr old daughter has recently been diagnosed with mild ASD. We have recently had to tell her that daddy is ill with cancer. She has kind of blanked it out as far as I can tell. Do you have any ideas as to how to help her cope when he starts his treatment? She kind of lives in her own little bubble-world, but I just don't know what she might be thinking.

Thank you

[januarysnowdrop]

I kind of agree with some of the first few reviewers, I'm afraid. I didn't hate the book, but I was rather underwhelmed by it, and although I felt a lot of sympathy with Tanya throughout her experiences I didn't particularly warm to her. This was partly due to the style of writing, I think (the references to 'my girls' which I found rather weird, to be honest, the use of the phrase 'tear up' which I always had to re-read as I initially assumed 'tear' had its other meaning) and partly the relationship with the supervisor, in which I felt Tanya came across as surprisingly un-reflective. My sympathies during their spats were usually with Chris. And yes, I too would have liked more about her parents. I did enjoy the references to her school days - if it hadn't been for the reference to lacrosse, I'd have thought we probably went to the same school, and I didn't like it much either!

I agree with whoever made the point about the senationalist opening - clearly out to shock the reader and either put them off or draw them in. It didn't really do either with me - just made me wonder what exactly she was trying to achieve with it. The fact/fiction thing didn't bother me at all. I liked the range of case studies she included and was fascinated to learn about the different kinds of placements a clinical psychologist can be expected to take on. More broadly, I very much enjoyed the way in which she highlighted the tensions between different groups of professionals, particularly psychiatrists and psychologists and would have liked to have had this explored further (speaking as someone who doesn't know a great deal about either).

So overall, I definitely didn't feel I wasted my time reading this book (and it's a very easy read - it didn't take me long at all) but against my initial expectations I don't think I'll be recommending it to anybody else. Possibly this isn't entirely the author's fault - she clearly had a fascinating story to tell and perhaps in the hands of a more hands on and directive editor this could have become a more compelling read.

[alemci]

I used to play lacrosse at my school too (more like try not to) at mine too so I could relate to Tanya and her references to being a child of the 70s. I am really enjoying the book so far.

[Goldmandra]

On the House of Tiny Tearaways you were seen to advise that children with food issues sat at the table and were put under powerful pressure to get them to eat, then heaping praise upon them when they eventually did so.

The most common advice for parents of fussy eaters is to make the food available by putting in front of them, leaving them to eat it whatever they choose, then taking away what is left without comment. The reason behind this being that they need to feel in control in order that they can choose to eat and have a healthy and positive relationship with food. If they sense a power struggle, they will eat less. I'm also aware of studies that concluded that children were less likely to choose activities if they had been rewarded for them in the past so this seems to make sense.

How can parents know when to take the generally advised approach of leaving the child to choose freely from a healthy balanced diet that is made available to them and when they should be taking a more active approach and insisting that the child puts certain foods in their mouth even if it causes them distress?

[j9dw]

Hi, I don't know how to do this webchat thing, do we just come here on Tuesday?
Anyway, I'd like to ask (if you have time) if you recommend DBT for teenagers with Borderline?
My daughter has diagnosed herself, but a psychiatrist, she had a 15 minute appointment (resulting in another cutting episode), decided that she has "a bit of anxiety". That was last August and we've heard nothing since.
My daughter has had to put up with a father with physical disabilities (in constant pain & depressed), an asperger's brother, me being depressed for many years and severe bulyting at school. If you think DBT would help her, how do we go about getting it when our mental health system is leting her down?
She's 19 now and I'm pleased to say, has recently, and very successfully, completed a year at college.

[NanaNina]

Hi Tanya - I am a huge fan of yours! I first saw you on Tiny Tearaways and was incredibly impressed with your ideas on positive parenting and distraction techniques etc. Goldmandra I wonder if you are mistaken because I cannot imagine Tanya advising parents of children who would not eat, to put "powerful pressure" on the children to make them eat. In fact I recall clearly one technique that Tanya used (and I used it with my grandson with great success) A little boy who only ate chocolate and drank milk (or something similar) was given a small sandwich and Tanya made a game, by covering her face and saying she wasn't looking but wondered if he would take a bite while she wasn't looking, she repeated "not looking" "not looking" and the child took a bite and of course she whooped with surprise and the child was clearly pleased at the idea of "tricking her" and I think brought about a break through in the eating problems. I felt that Tanya's warm personality helped the parents particularly and enabled them to confide in her, and she tackled some of the difficulties of the parents in a sensitive and perceptive way.

I read the book and enjoyed it. I can understand people wondering about the fact/fiction element of it, but given the absolute need for confidentiality, it has to be written in that way. I have had a long career in LA Children's Services and IF I were a writer (which I'm not) I would be able to use factual situations which still stand out in my mind but mix them up, maybe changing the family composition or particular circumstances. When Tiny Tearaways was on TV I was involved in preparation courses for prospective foster carers and adopters and I used to suggest that they watched the programmes, as part of their preparation.

I saw you Tanya in another TV programme (maybe a couple of years ago) about bedtimes (Bedtime Live I think) for parents having problems with children refusing to sleep but I didn't like the programme at all. The aim was for parents to phone into the programme but I thought it was muddled with people taking phone calls and you and someone else (a bloke who I can't recall but I know I found him irritating) presenting the programme. I thought this was a waste of your skills and expertise in the area of child psychology.

I have one question Tanya

Are there any plans for any more TV programmes along the lines of Tiny Tearaways, or any format really where you could demonstrate the skills you have and so help parents struggling with childcare. Supernanny doesn't do it for me, I like her positive parenting approach but she is too much of a "Onetrickpony"

Oh and a supplementary: Any plans for any further books?

You'd make an old lady very happy if you answered my Question!!!

[GoogleyEyes]

Thanks for the book, mumsnet!

I've done a review in the reviews bit, but in summary I found it an interesting light read but wasn't convinced by the author's voice. It felt a bit 'jazzed up' at the beginning, as though a ghost writer had been brought in to make it more exciting and populist. It got better further in, with the odd blip into very personal areas which read rather oddly, I felt. I found it interesting, but won't be re-reading it - I'd rather watch House of Tiny Tearaways (again), which is a programme that has really shaped my parenting.

My question
What, if anything, would you recommend I do to support my academically bright but socially immature five year old (Y1)? She has no best / close friend at school, intermittent problems with teasing / bullying from some of the very dominant girls in her class, behaves very differently at school (quiet, absolutely compliant) than at home (noisy, always performing, dominates conversations). We have a strong family history of ASDs, which is always in the back of my mind.

[Goldmandra]

Goldmandra I wonder if you are mistaken

I'm sure Dr Byron can answer for herself but I remember seeing at least one child sitting at the table in great distress coughing and retching while being persuaded to put food in her mouth, although it was some time ago so the details are fairly vague. I do recall at the time wondering why she didn't just get the parents to withdraw all the attention for not eating and allow the child to come round in her own time when she realised that the pressure was off.

Other parents on this forum have used that example to question the advice to just put the food in front of the child and leave them to decide whether to eat. It would be helpful to know why Dr Byron chose the approach she did for those particular children. There must be a reason and I'd be very interested to hear it.

[GretchenWiener]

I saw PTB at the Blogfest and was interested in what she was going to say. In the end she just sounded angry.

[doziedoozie]

I liked the book very much though, of course, it would be much more riveting if it was actual cases, though I assume it is a mish-mash of your experiences.

There seems to be more acceptance of psychology and counselling nowadays. I read many self help books in my 50s when I suffered depression and understood myself and my up bringing more clearly after that. How different my life would have been if I'd known it all at 20.

Would it be an idea to teach some psychology to teenagers or younger, so that they can have a better understanding of the behaviour of those around them, or would it be too difficult to do? Of even produce some book on basic aspects aimed at their age level?

[thems]

Hello Dr Byron, I have a predicament.

My DD aged 3.6m has an older half sister (aged 18) from my OH's previous relationship. We haven't told DD about her older sister yet.
My OH spends time with his older DD but sadly she is not interested in meeting her sister (he has to compartmentalise his family).

I believe I'm right in thinking we shouldn't keep older sibling a secret from our 3 yo but how we go about telling her is problematic, because it will only fire our 3y old's curiosity.

Do we sit her down and do it with an air of "this is important information" or do we do it casually?

How do we field all the "where is she/when can I see her?" questions. From what OH says, it could be some time before DSD is willing to meet DD. So that could mean years of (perhaps unnecessary, if we leave it for a while) curiosity and questions.

This is something that increasingly worries me, I'd be very grateful if you could advise me as to the right thing to do for my little one's psychological well-being.

[GretchenWiener]

Oh and I agree the "girls " thing is cringey.

[Glastogirl]

Is this the place to ask questions??

If so:

question for Tanya

I wondered if it was possible for a traumatic event to seriously affect one aspect of a child's development. The child in question was always a slim child (to the point of being on the too thin side rather than too big). As a child
She witnessed her dad have a stroke which then sent her mum into early labour with her sibling.

She was away from both her parents for 2 weeks while they were both in hospital and was looked after by various friends and family.

After this event she started to put on weight ( by the time she was 10 she had lots of tests and saw a dietician) but there was nothing medically wrong.

She are the same diet as her siblings but was the only one overweight. Could the traumatic event as a child have impacted this?

She is grown up now and still struggles massively with her weight. What help might be best to help her mode forwards?

[Glastogirl]

Move-*

[DuchessofMalfi]

My question for Tanya relates to the behaviour of boys aged 4-5 ir Reception year at school (and probably beyond, but we're at that stage).

DS's behaviour has always been on the naughty side at home, but his school reports come back saying it is exemplary there. It's like he has two very distinct sides to his character. We find his challenging behaviour stressful and, at times, completely unmanageable. He shouts, screams, throws things, hits his older sister (bruises, scratches etc), and we've been hit too. Nothing seems to work on calming him down or stopping this cycle of bad behaviour.

We assume it is just his release from the strain of being good at school. It is so hard to cope with it. But it is better that it's that way round - that he's listening and learning in school, I suppose. He will grow out of it, won't he? Or is this it? Only time will tell, but it's so hard.

His teacher has admitted that she's found last September's intake a very challenging year for her - lots of bad behaviour from the boys in class. And yet, the girls are no problem at all. In the preschool years they all seem to be the same, and this year the clear divide between the boys and the girls appears.

[DuchessofMalfi]

First line should read "in Reception ....."

[Zephyroux]

I have just read the link and found it very sad. I wondered how you even begin to say goodbye to a child like Imogen, given the trust built up between you.

I work closely with very vulnerable toddlers (in a very different context) and sadly sometimes some children suddenly disappear - whether through a PPO or some other safeguarding mechanism or maybe to a refuge or they simply disappear with their families. Usually we never see them again but in some ways they never really leave you. How can we prepare toddlers for this, and support the children who ask about them when they are gone?

[paulkal]

Thank you for telling me about this book, which I found very absorbing and very useful. Can anyone recommend a good book which helps teenagers with career choice?

[GretchenWiener]

Ok. I'm half way in. Find the preoccupation with her bosses underwear odd. Think would make a good drama. Maybe radio?

[BingoMoss]

I loved this book. I am a psychiatry doctor in CAMHS and the writing is so accurate and poignant. I have been trying to work through my rescue fantasies ever since I read that part. The way you write about your relationships with patients is so moving. I couldn't put the book down. I also love how self-deprecating you are.

My question is:

What are the qualities you possess that make you so skilled at what you do?

(and if I'm allowed two)

What are the things that hamper you in your work?

[GretchenWiener]

agree the rescue bit is very good

[Josie5]

Hello I would like to ask professor bryon about sleep. I have a 3 year old who still doesn't sleep well. We have tried all sleep training methods and ultimately she just doesn't like being alone at night but having her in our bed doesn't work. She wakes up screaming every night 3/4/5 times a night sometimes she is having night terrors but usually she just wants me to stay with her. We are all very tired and I have a 14 month old too who mercifully sleepy very well but it has taken it's toll on us and me and my husband feel quite desperate about it! My question is should I just put another bed in her room and sleep in there with her I'm passed the stage of caring that I wouldn't have my own bed at night etc and just want her to be peaceful at night and for us all to get some rest. Thanks