feel like i'm falling apart 7 months on.....

[chimchar]

hi everyone. long time no speak to a few of you girls...

my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly in july last year. i've held it together pretty well up until now...its sort of been filed away in a little box which i just can't cope with opening...

added to all that, we were building an extension onto my house and so had builders in my house every day until about october/november, had 3 kids home for the summer hols, working in a very stressful job, sorting out all my mums paperwork, trying to sort out my house, christmas, kids birthdays etc. was assalted in work at the start of the month which has really thrown me...and suffering from bad anxiety too.

anyway. i've controlled it all this time...am taking medication for anxiety which is working well most of the time, but i completely lost it yesterday. had a bit of a barney in work...was picked up on something which to my mind was completely unfair...started crying (because i just can't cope with anymore) and had to come home. had a really good chat with a top psycholgist in work (perk of the job?! )..stayed in bed all day and night, and feel dreadful today. i just can't cope.

i feel as if my pain has just started to surface, and i physically hurt as much as i did in the days after my mum died.

rather than time making things easier, i feel its just longer since i saw my mum and feel desperatly waiting for this nightmare to end...which i know, its not going to.

not really sure why i'm writing here...i guess its good to offload to people who understand.

sorry, and thanks. x

[LittlePushka]

Hello chimchar and everyone, just sidling in to say lost my dear old dad six months ago and I am just about holding it together when I talk about him (of course welling up now, typing!)...it seems much much worse now somehow.

BUT I do feel so much more normal when I see lovely posts like these...I never am able to offer advice but I hope that it just feels better knowing that you are not alone, ever.

[DrNortherner]

Chimchar, Anastasia how are you doing?

[chimchar]

hey again! thanks so much for more kind words guys.... it was this time last week that i had my major crying meltdown...have just about regained control, but i know its just a matter of time until i "go" again....like a little rumbling volcano i am...just keeping a lid on it, threatening to explode at any time.

do i sound like a madwoman????!!!

oj...i think you've got it spot on.

dr n. i like that saying...its sort of right isn't it? i read somewhere after my mum died that pain and grief is the price we pay for having someone so worthy in our lives, and would we be better off never knowing our loved one, or is the pain a very small price for such a great person having moved on.....or something like that!!!

god. i've mumbled enough now, and its not even 7am!!! off to work now...chat later.

once again, thank you all. xxx

[DrNortherner]

Hope CBT works for you chimchar. Do let us know how you get on, I interested to hear. I'm still waiting for bereavemnet counselling - on the list, in the mean time I am overdosing on books about bereavement, I keep ordering new ones from Amazon. Daren't put them on view on by book shelf - 'Fatherless daughters' and 'When parents die' are hardly conversation starters are they?

I do want to share onle line though that has been mulling round in my head. 'Instead of focusing on a love eternally lost, try to think of it as a love eternally in your heart'

I think I quite like that, it just depends what stage you are at. In the middle of a meltdown I'll probably hate it.....

Hope you are all doing OK.
xx

[LilRedWG]

In the same situation here, one year on. Be kind to yourselves.

[onlyjoking9329]

i think when someone dies we go onto auto drive and denial, if we didnt it would be too much to face altogether.
when my husband died it looked like i was doing ok to the outside world but inside i was a wreck.
things change over time, i don't thing they ever get better, just that we get better at managing it all.

[chimchar]

thanks ana....i think about you often too...i guess it reminds me that i'm not the only one on this journey... as awful as it is, its kind of comforting to have people on the same timescale as me...makes me feel a bit more like i'm "normal" and not loosing the plot!!!!

dr n. i thought i was going for cbt...i was actually going to see if cbt would be an appropriate treatment for me. as it goes, i'll be starting it in a few weeks. it can't come soon enough. i'm in a right old state...need some practical coping strategies NOW before i let this anxiety take over my whole being.

the guy i saw was lovely...very understanding and sympathetic.

i need to go now...i'm running late. will pop back later.

thanks again girls. x

[anastasia74]

chimchar, Yes I remember your name from last year on these threads. My dad passed away suddenly a week or two after your mum if I remember rightly I'm sorry to say

Sorry to hear that you are having a tough time of it at the moment. I echo the comments of Dr Northerner. Yes it is relentless. I feel I have over the months just tried to file my feelings away too. Too painful to deal with day in day out - easier to shut it out

In the beginning I told myself he was still around and just not in when I called at my mums etc. Only way I could deal with his absence.

I suppose we feel we can deal with the reality some other time. I went back to work. Had to hold it together and just get on with life. I tend to have melt downs every so often. Like when I heard a song he used to sing etc.I suppose in a way we have to have a release of all the emotion otherwise we would literally crack up. I suppose after 6 months or so everyone thinks well she's got over it now. But it's not like that is it. Anyone that has lost someone close and dear to them will understand. Hugs to you - you are not on your own.

[DrNortherner]

Hey chimchar, how did the cbt go this morning?

[chimchar]

thanks dr n. i think of you often...in a non stalkerish kind of way of course!

going for my first cbt appt this morning to try and control some of this stupid anxiety...the funny thing is though, that i'm getting all anxious about going!

thanks for listening, but i'm sorry that you understand only too well. x

[DrNortherner]

I'm right there with you chimchar. My dad died suddennly in April last year. Lots of threads on here from me saying similar things.

I started a new job a week after Dad's funeral and had to keep a lid on it...last week I had a melt down at work and could no longer hold it together, was not sent home but probably should have been.....

It's the relentlessness of it I am struggling with. There is no end to this, it just goes on and on and on.

Can't offer any words of wisdom, just I am walking the same path with you mate.

Hang in there.

[chimchar]

ahhh bollocks to you lot. you just made me cry again. it feels good being kind to myself and hearing kind words... thanks everyone. x

[peachylovesherpoochy]

I just wanted to say it is so so hard, I lost my dad 4 years ago and it seems like yesterday some days. It does get better and the old time heals cliche is true, you don't get used to it but you learn to cope with your grief. It sounds like you have just been running for the last 7 months to keep everything together for your family, but now you have to be kind to yourself. I found talking about my dad helped a lot, to anyone who listened and I still mention him every day or think about him. You aren't indulging in your misery, you are helping yourself heal! I hope your cbt goes well

[Mummig]

My mum died in August 2007 and I nursed my terminally ill dad at home until his death 8 months later. Everybody thought I coped very well but I still wake up crying.All I can say is be nice to yourself and it does get easier. I find that mentioning them in normal conversation helps me. Thinking of you.

[chimchar]

thanks imp....am starting cbt for my anxiety tomorrow...hopefully will get a grip on that. jeez. it can't get any worse!!

thanks for your kind words...it feels soothing tbh just to be indulged in a bit of misery instead of putting on a brave face. x

[WhatSheSaid]

Had to post and run, dd crying...

It does get better, i promise you. It just takes a lot longer than other people realise. Hang on in there.

[chimchar]

whatshesaid...x posted.

i think thats the problem tbh...i'm just starting my real grieving and because of my always sunny, smiley front, everyone thinks i'm just fine and have moved on, having coped remarkably well with it...

i feel so wounded. i feel life would be a bit easier if i has some kind of visable scar or big bandage to show the outside that i am hurting and "damaged" iykwim.

[inmypants]

I don't have any experience of this so I'm afraid my advice may not be right but I wanted to respond, it sounds to me like you need to give yourself some time, to open up that box and kind of face it?

I suspect you haven't been coping for the last 7 months you've kind of been in denial and now the reality has hit home.

perhpas in the short/medium term you could organise to talk to someone on a regular basis ( counselling) which will allow you an avenue to talk through your feelings and allow you have some falling apart time....

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[chimchar]

thanks nickschick.

tbh, no one really understands do they, unless they've been there and experienced some kind of loss. i really appreciate you just listening to my ramblings.

sorry to read about your mum too. x

[WhatSheSaid]

Totally normal for it to hit you like this months later.

First few months for me I was in shock really, was a while before it really hit me. And of course everyone thinks you're over the worst so they expect you to be back to "normal".

[nickschick]

It is just so hard not to have a mum.
Im the same only my mums been gone 24 years.

Even now sometimes I dream shes not really gone and wake up and everythings ok until wham!!! shes not here.

I have absolutely nothing to help you,I wish I did.

take care x