my friends just died

[canella]

my friend went to bed last night and her husband went to bed later and found she wasnt breathing - they tried evferything and she just didnt wake up. she's been my friend for 11 years - she was only 36 - we've worked together all that time and our older kids are just about the same age (6 & 3 1/2)- i just feel like its some really bad dream but i'm not waking up. She was at work on friday absolutely fine but now she's dead - its semms so unreal. i feel so sad that she's died but i'm so upset that those beautiful kids dont have their mummy any more - she loved those kids and they'll never remember her when they're older. i'm home alone with my kids today and feel so sad - just wanted to write it all down somewhere.

[hellsbells76]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My cousin also died suddenly at 36, leaving her 3 boys who were 11, 9 and 4. Her husband worked really hard to keep her memory alive, particularly for the youngest who would obviously remember her less than the older two. Every day over dinner they would talk about 'what do you remember about mummy?' and I think that really helped to 'cement'those memories iyswim. The youngest is 13 now and remembers a surprising amount about her. All 3 are lovely, well adjusted teenagers, testament to the amazing job their dad did at a time he could barely function himself. Maybe your friend's dh could think about doing sokehing similar? A memory book is also a really lovely idea. Take care of yourself and just allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling - there's no right or wrong way to grieve.

[cathcat]

Hi canella
sorry it is tough for you and of course your emotions are all over the place. Be easy on yourself, you are still coming to terms with this and will be for a while.
I lost a friend over a year ago and it is a horrible thing (also just lost my dad but that is a different story). There is so much raw emotion involved with losing someone young and especially as your friend has left a young family.
The funeral is certainly a time to at least feel that you are one of many who are there to say goodbye and try to celebrate her life and all that she achieved. Hope you are going with your DH and other friends who loved her, you will all help and support each other; that was my exerience anyway.

tm1978, so sorry for your loss too.

[tm1978]

Canella

Just wanted to say sorry for your loss and I can totally empathise with you. I too lost my friend. She died 1 week after her 31st Birthday whilst giving birth to her second son. Its been almost 10 months and my heart breaks every day. We had been friends since we were children (in fact we grew up next door to each other) we were extremely close in adulthood and even went on foreign trips together with our hubbys before the kids came along. I'd love to tell you that the pain will go away, but I'm still struggling, the only thing that motivates me is my son and trying to stay strong for the baby I'm carrying at the moment. I truly believe that they can all see us now and my friend would definitely be wondering what all the fuss is about.
Please don't feel alone, the world can definitely be a cruel place sometimes!!

[canella]

thanks cathcat - life has seeemed so hard over the last couple of days. went to work on tuesday but i was of no use - i was her closest friend from work and we work in a huge department and everyone wanted to say how sorry htey were - felt like i cried all day. i phoned her DH on tues afternoon - i really dont know what i said but it felt like the right thing to do - he was so upset as you imagine he would be but had said he was so comforted by the amount of friends who had phoned to say how devastated they were. but she was the kindest person so its no surprise that her friends are devastated.
yesterday was a little better in that i didnt feel like i was crying all day but then part of me felt bad for not crying - i just felt numb instead - i know no 2 people will grieve the same but i feel like i'm going through so many emotions - i've been in denial, i've been so upset, i've felt numb and now i'm a mix of being so low in mood and angry - not at her - just at people at work who are trying to jump in to her shoes and to people who i dont feel are respectful of the fact that she has only just died. i think i sound awful but my emotions are all over the place.
in a weird way i'm waiting for the funeral so i can be with her family and her other friends who loved her so much.

[canella]

thanks cathcat - life has seeemed so hard over the last couple of days. went to work on tuesday but i was of no use - i was her closest friend from work and we work in a huge department and everyone wanted to say how sorry htey were - felt like i cried all day. i phoned her DH on tues afternoon - i really dont know what i said but it felt like the right thing to do - he was so upset as you imagine he would be but had said he was so comforted by the amount of friends who had phoned to say how devastated they were. but she was the kindest person so its no surprise that her friends are devastated.
yesterday was a little better in that i didnt feel like i was crying all day but then part of me felt bad for not crying - i just felt numb instead - i know no 2 people will grieve the same but i feel like i'm going through so many emotions - i've been in denial, i've been so upset, i've felt numb and now i'm a mix of being so low in mood and angry - not at her - just at people at work who are trying to jump in to her shoes and to people who i dont feel are respectful of the fact that she has only just died. i think i sound awful but my emotions are all over the place.
in a weird way i'm waiting for the funeral so i can be with her family and her other friends who loved her so much.

[cathcat]

Canella, how are you? Been thinking about you and how you are managing.

[rubyloopy]

Message withdrawn

[rachels103]

so sorry for your loss

[beansontoast]

oh how terribly sad...what an enormous loss...how devastating...you poor thing..poor everyone

[mashedbanana]

so sorry for your loss.my sil found her boyfriend had died in his sleep years ago their daughter was only 2 weeks old at the time.it is very sad take care xx

[canella]

really struggled to read my kids their bedtime stories and not cry the whole way through - my friend could never have known when she read to her kids last night that she would never do it again. dreading going to work tomorrow cause in the house it feels like a really bad dream but it will be so real at work - she had a really good job and the phone goes all the time for her - it'll be so sad for all of us to have to tell people over and over again.
going to have a glass of wine now and think of all the best times we had together - night night dear friend

[canella]

thanks dadinsteadofmum - cant imagine what you've gone thro in the last few months. My friend was really close to her parents and sister so i imagine they're at the house - would feel i was intruding at the moment but i'll offer some help in the coming weeks.

feel so much better for writing these posts but just want to go & pick up my dd from school and give her a huge hug - she'll be devestated too.

thanks for the support

[DadInsteadofMum]

As a DH who has been there, there were two things that I remember from my wifes friends

The letters were great to read and lovely of people to share their memories but immediately after I wasn't ready for them.

Practical help made a big difference, people who took the kids off my hands when I needed to do the practical stuff (registrar, solicitors etc), the food (some of which is still in freezer four months later), clothes that disappeared out of the house and turned up a few days later washed and ironed. For all of this stuff I was incredibly grateful when I was barely able to function myself.

[colacubes]

canella I am so sorry you have lost your friend, what a shock for you. I lost my best friend 5 years ago, but she had been very ill for 3 months before she died, so we all had a little time to brace ourselves before she went.

Today and the next few will be shock, give yourself time, write her a letter, write her dh a letter, get it all out. Help your friend by remembering her, not just tearful stuff but the fun stuff pass it on to the dc when they get older, but for now just let it all happen.

My heart goes out to you, CC x

[wilkos]

that is so sad, big hug for you xxx

[kando]

how sad

[cocoleBOO]

How sad, so sorry.

[dustystar]

So sorry to hear about your loss {{{hugs}}}

[PsychoAxeMurdererMum]

oh, so sad

[MaryAnnSingleton]

that is so sad I'm so sorry canella xxx

[MummyDoIt]

Canella, definitely send him a card. It really helps looking through the cards and knowing people are thinking of you. If you want to do something for the husband, I found it very helpful when people offered to have my kids over to play for an hour or so. A good friend came over with a meal she'd cooked one night which was very much appreciated and a group of friends clubbed together to get me vouchers for Wiltshire Farm Foods (frozen ready meals to stock up my freezer). Even the smallest of gestures mean a lot. One mum from school brought round some chocolate for the boys and another mum bought them some story books written to help children cope with death. Even a simple phone call helps. No-one ever knows what to say but it's better to just say 'I'm so sorry' rather than not saying anything at all.

Have you got someone you can talk to? Is there someone looking after you? Take care of yourself, won't you?

[canella]

thank you so so much for all your posts - i wrote a huge post while lunch was cooking but the internet crashed - not what i need today!
muumydolt - i'm so sorry to hear about your loss but writing down memories seems a great way to honour what a great mum she was & i'm sure you're kids will always know what a great dad they had.
seems so unreal to be writing this about her - wish it was a bad dream that i'm going to wake up from & that i'll go to work tom and she'll be there.
just feel bad that we hadnt seen each other out of work in recent months - time seems to run away and because we saw each other 3 days a week we kind of forgot to make plans to get all the kids together - we used to get together on a monday and drink copious tea while the kids ran riot - i'll really miss those mondays! i feel even worse that i'd not seen her DH in about a year - he was obviously at work on those mondays!! - really dont think its the thing to do to phone him today but feel really bad that i've not phoned - i'm sure there is no right and wrong thing to do - might go and buy a card and write it today!
thanks again for all your kind thoughts

[bellavita]

for you. xx

[cathcat]

So sorry for you and all her family and friends.
You are in shock, you cannot process this straight away. Take things easy and one step at a time.

[ajandjjmum]