Everyone asking me how mum is

[billsandcanaries]

Dad died recently after a long illness and we are all upset.
Mum cared for him at home and he had carers too.
Since he died on numerous occasions people ask me how my mum is.
It makes me really irritated as I am grieving too but everyone seems to be more concerned re how mum is doing!
Also I have received two sympathy cards and mum lots of cards.
It's as if me and my sisters are an afterthought.
I know I sound bitter but just surprised at the lack of support for me and my siblings.

Condolences on the loss of your dad. How are you feeling? Are you able to get support from your friends and siblings?

Sorry for your loss. I guess it’s because your mum is left alone so people naturally think of her first.

Terrible
Heartbroken

I didn't think of it in this way.
I have been selfish and self centred

Having lost my dad, I was definitely an after thought - everything was and still is about my mum.

I think it's okay though, she's the one who has lost her husband and is now completely on her own. I still have my husband and kids to come home too, them to go on holiday with etc.

Sorry, forgot to add that I'm very sorry for your loss, it really is rubbish!

@billsandcanaries stop beating yourself up. You're grieving, i understand that.

Look, when my Mum died my daughter took herself off to be alone to grieve. Daughter was very close to her Nan, but I'm also very close to my daughter. I kind of felt abandoned in my grief.

But I realised we all grieve, and react to others grieve differently.

I was looking at grief as some kind of competition. Like, she was only your Nan, she was my Mum. Acknowledging that feeling helped me put my daughter's action into perspective.

I hope you can find your way through your grief without alienating any well meaning friends.

You’re not selfish
You're not self-centred
You are bereaved too
Allow yourself to grieve
Remember your dad as he was when he was well
Think of happy childhood moments with him
People will always think of your mum’s grief first
It doesn’t mean your feelings are any less valid
Be kind to yourself x

I lost my darling Dad to cancer last year, and I'm still trying to process the loss. It's just the shittest of shit times and you have my absolute heartfelt sympathy for you loss as well.

Take care of yourself, this is a marathon and not a sprint. People are just a bit thoughtless around grief at times, I don't think it's deliberate.

Aah I understand your thinking. I felt a bit like this but your mum is now alone. Her soul mate is gone. I still had my family.

I missed and still miss my dad like mad but it's not the same as losing your life long partner.

I do get how you feel though.

people will also not know what to say to you, it’s difficult for them to face your grief but asking about your mum has a bit of a protective cover round it for them.

people generally don’t know how to deal with death when it affects people they know.
when my dad died at 55 so many people stopped talking to my mum, they just didn’t know what to say to her.

I am sadly in the same situation as you and many friends & family have unknowingly upset me by not even mentioning my Dad passing, I have genuinely been shocked by peoples behaviour and I think it must be that people do not know what or how to say / fear of upsetting.

I am always grateful when people ask how my Mum is doing as for me, it feels like that person is acknowledging our family grief. I also think of the ring theory where your mum would be the centre, I probably don’t describe it well but worth a read up on.

Grief is hard, I hope you are as easy on yourself as can be x

Gently op, whilst you've lost your beloved dad, your mum has lost her life partner. If she's been his carer as well she's gone from him taking up most of her time to suddenly having vast trenches of time with nothing to fill it. Your day to day lives will carry on, she's got to start again. It's not that people aren't thinking of your devastating loss and grief, but they're aware that for your mum it's a whole different level of loss. Be kind to yourself though, and I'm so sorry for your loss x

You're not selfish or self centred: you're human, and you're grieving. Grief brings all kinds of conflicting emotions. It's meant to. That's part of why it feels so awful. And nobody will know the right thing to say to you. It's horrible.

There's no need to judge yourself. Treat yourself the way your Dad would have wanted you to, perhaps?

No you haven’t.

Losing a much loved parent sucks. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel…that includes anger, resentment and disappointment.

Yes, your mum is on her own, but you only get one dad. Neither trumps the other, you have your own individual relationships with him, as did your siblings.

I’m sorry you’re not getting more RL support at such a difficult time. Do take care of yourself and try to become comfortable with allowing yourself to feel whatever you need to to process your loss.

Perhaps people's responses are a reflection of their own experiences. My FIL died at the end of last year. MIL lives every day in the house they shared, doing the activities they shared. DH moved away 25 years ago, and whilst close to FIL in some ways, he just isn't impacted as much as MIL. That's the experience we have had so far of losing a parent, so might be my blueprint for how others might experience the loss of a partner/parent.

That isn't to say that I think any particular experience of grief is right or wrong, but it might result in unthinking assumptions about others experiences.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry. Just re the cards - people will often just send one, but it’s meant for the whole family. If you read the ones your mum has received, I’m sure many will send wishes to you and your siblings as well. I would say “form” would be that, if you were just going to send one, you would send it to the widow of the deceased. So please don’t think people aren’t thinking of you. Sending condolences.

Agree with all of this. I would add that people are probably asking about your mum because they suspect that you are having to support her, and that it is an additional emotional burden for you. They want to acknowledge that, and express sympathy, without sounding like they are criticising your mum .

So, "How's your mum doing"? really means, "Are you having to do a lot to support your mum, on top of everything else, and how are you doing as a result?"

Sorry to hear about your dad.

when my uncle died ( who was practically my dad, he took over the “duty” when my dad died and I was 4) I messaged my aunt more than my cousin, my cousin still had his partner for support but my aunt was alone after 50 years of marriage . Alone with all her thoughts and she was lonely . So I can see why people would ask after your mum.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad 💐

It's a different loss, we all know we will lose our parents one day, it's the natural order, as devastating as it is, but we all pray we will be the first to go when it comes to our partners (well I certainly do, might be different with an age gap I suppose). I would naturally worry more about the partner left behind, they now have a very large hole in their life, potentially after decades, their best friend, the person they spent every day with. I hope you are supported too, but I wouldn't be too resentful of your mum.

Oh, I know this one, having been both the bereaved person having lost my dad, and (previously and to my shame) the ‘How’s your mum?’ asker to others.

The thing is that in this context, ‘How’s your mum?’ doesn’t really mean ‘How’s your mum?’ It’s just people’s way of signalling to you that they know what has happened. ‘How are you?’ would obviously be better but could be misconstrued as a general enquiry, but most people will feel too awkward to say something direct like ‘Sorry for your loss’.

So ‘How’s your mum?’ actually translates as ‘I am aware that your father has died, and I want you to know that I have remembered and thus avoid any awkward moments when it’s unclear whether or not I am taking this into account when speaking to you.’

I expect you’ve noticed, it’ll be mainly people who’ve never experienced the loss of a parent themselves who are saying this to you. It’s because they have no idea how it feels or what to say and are just at a loss. We don’t teach what to say to bereaved people and it shows.

Subconsciously they are probably thinking that if you wanted to talk about your own feelings, this could give you an opening to do so. A response along the lines of ‘Mum is as well as can be expected, thanks, but it’s been really hard for all of us’ might possibly prompt (some of) them to enquire how you’re doing, if that’s what you want.

But try not to take it personally. One day they’ll be in your position and will realise how wrong it comes across, but until then you might just have to accept it as one of those weird British-isms that we all do sometimes.

I’m truly sorry for your loss, OP.

Of course it's all about your mother - she has lost her life partner. You are young and while naturally you are grieving it's her whole life that has changed (I am a widow too).
No one sent me any cards when my father died. Never expect them to. We were far more concerned about our mother to even think about it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I was so grateful when people asked after my mum tbh, she was my main focus. I loved my dad and was so sad he was gone, but I had him to adulthood and he even met my babies - I'll take that as a win. My mum was left alone, in an empty house, without the love of her life. I was more worried about her than I was grieving my own loss.

So, I would definitely ask after friends' bereaved parents, but only because I appreciated it when others did it for me.

One thing I have learned since losing my mum 17 years ago is that people really, really struggle with loss and death…. they simply cannot bear to think of how they’d feel and if they’ve been through it, perhaps the pain cuts too deep and too raw for them to be open about it. People tiptoe around the subject because they don’t want to make it worse. Another thing I learned is that … there isn’t anything people can say that’s right. When they didn’t ask they didn’t care, when they said something it wasn’t at all a consolation. When they had fun I wanted them to show me respect and when they seemed upset about trivial shit I wanted them to remember my heart was broken with actual problems.
Grief is complex but it’s almost as complex trying to be there for someone who is grieving. There’s no win, it’s all loss.

Please remember that the same people asking you how your mum is coping with it all are probably longing to ask you how you are, but they really don’t want to upset you by doing so.
And give yourself time. Time is literally the only thing that helps.