How long did you take off before going back to work when your mum died?

[december2020]

My job very kindly gave me 3 weeks paid leave.
I am very grateful for that.

I am back at work now but I am not ready!

Mum died very unexpectedly and I'm still in some very dark places with grief, but it comes on so unexpectedly that I can't plan for it, and I'm finding it really hard to balance work and kids alongside it.

How long did you take off before going back to work after your mum died?
Am I being irrational and needy to feel like I need more time?

No you aren’t being irrational. Grief will come at you with a whole range of emotions, you can’t plan for how it will affect you.

My mum died of an aneurysm - collapsed in my arms one sunny afternoon and was dead two days later.

I honestly think I could sunk into a pit of despair and stayed there forever. My best friend, my mum, the wisest kindest most beloved grandmother to my children - just gone like that, with no time for a proper goodbye. It was so sudden I was the only one who saw her in hospital before she died - my dh didn’t even pop in because he was looking after the kids. So it was just me at the bedside for those two days, waiting for her body to finally find some peace.

Unfortunately I was about to start a new job so I only had two days to “recover” after that - new employer didn’t do any kind of favours to new joiners on probation.

So I was at work making nice and learning my new job in the daytime, then over at my mum’s place in the evenings cleaning the kitchen, doing her laundry and sobbing the entire time. I had only just weaned my toddler so there was the added trouble of two young bereaved kids to deal with (“why isn’t granny coming for dinner with us today, when will she be better, is she on holiday”). My dc2 still asks me when the doctors will make granny better even though he hasn’t seen her for a year.

What I remember most was exhaustion and being unable to face any social situations for a long time - about 15 months. The only things I did were for my kids, and then it was just going through the motions.

Luckily my dh was amazing, and I will forever be grateful to him for the emotional sticking plasters and the encouragement to “take each day as it comes”, “put one step in front of the other”, “here’s a cup of tea, I’m taking the kids to see PIL so you can have the weekend to go to church and cry and then mow the lawn at your mum’s house”.

There was a lot of tough love in there, but I think it pushed me through those first six months.

I did try to find a grief counsellor but after three of them blanked my email enquiries I gave up and did my own thing.

I am still absolutely heartbroken but I’ve found a way to keep going. Not sure if this is helpful as I honestly think every situation is different and the only advice I can give is, do what YOU need to do. Only you can know what that is.

I was 23 and although it was expected, (she died of cancer at 53) it floored me, as she died just before Christmas. My employers gave me until the NY off (I worked for Sainsburys as a student) and then my GP signed me off until the end of Jan.

Your GP can sign you off if you're finding it hard to cope with work at the moment. I'm sure your work will be understanding.

I think the trouble is each experience of grief is different. A sudden death is different to an expected death. The death of an old person is different to that of a young person. The relationship you have with a person can affect how complex your grief is. And what stage of life you are at yourself will impact on your ability to cope with your grief.

I took a fortnight off. It wasn’t long enough. Looking back I had PTSD from looking after her full-time when she was terminal.

My mum had dementia and was in a nursing home. One October evening she had a fit. I was called and was told she was likely to have another fit later that night and would likely pass away that night. She was semi conscious. My son and I sat with her for about 5 hours when we suddenly realised she was snoring. The nurses told us the initial emergency had passed but she didn't have long left .
She lived for 4 months, I spent that time, getting into work at 7am, working through lunch breaks etc, then getting to see her at 3. Staying there until bedtime then doing it all again the following day. At the weekend I spent all day with her. I continued to work right up to the day before she died ( which was a Saturday) on the awful treadmill. When she died, I was given a couple of weeks compassionate leave and was due to return to work two days after her funeral. The day after the funeral I had the worst migraine I've ever had ( and I've had them for over 40 years) and the migraine went on and on. I saw my gp who told me it was mental exhaustion as my system had been on hyper vigilance for months and had now decided it needed to rest. He signed me off for a fortnight and basically all I did was sleep.

Sorry for your loss.
I took 2 weeks off, work in school so only got paid for 2 of those days but I just couldn’t go back before the funeral. When I did go back it was hard but with school children around you can’t think of anything else so it took my mind off things for a while- I did cry all the way to work and the way home though. I was a bit naive about getting signed off by a GP as I didn’t know I could and my headteacher didn’t make me aware either.

I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't take any time off except for the funeral. I'd taken several days off in the lead up to her death so i could be with her, and i helped organise the funeral in between work commitments. I'm self employed and if I don't work I don't get paid.

If it had been a sudden death that would have been different and I think you're quite justified in having time off to sort all the practicalities and start grieving.

You'll find work a pleasant distraction I think. And grief doesn't have an end date. You can't not work forever. You might feel worse in 6 months than you feel now, so if you can get back to a normal routine it would be better. Good luck.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I had 2 weeks off after my mum died, full salary, very understanding employer.
Personally, after the funeral & a few days I really needed to get out, about amongst people as I was wallowing & felt I'd slip into agoraphobia (I've had it before) & depression if I stayed home more.
But everyone is different, & processes it differently. Do what you need to do OP.

I was already half way through a weeks annual leave when my DM died on the Thursday.

I felt I couldn’t take any more time off. We were always short staffed at work and I was a supervisor so the pressure was on to always be there. So I went back in on the Monday.

I really do regret doing that, I bottled up a lot of emotion and kept going through each day robotically acting like it was all fine. I didn’t really stop and if I’m honest 6 years on I have seriously done a number on my mental health.

I wish I’d taken the time and the support.

I had a week off leading up to her death to sit with her and then the week after. It felt about right to be honest. My first day back at work was really busy and it was a good distraction. However my mum had been battling dementia and I’d known for a few months the end was coming and had already started to grieve. It must be a very different experience if it is sudden.

I’m sorry you lost your Mum. I couldn’t afford to take any time off. I was a single parent in early 20s, she was my last remaining parent, I had no sick or compassionate leave in my job, and had to pay my bills anyway. I was executor of will, organiser of funeral, had to pack and sort her whole house with a toddler helping, to sell it. I had to ring all our family and all her friends to tell them she’d died. Like a poster above, I had no idea you could see a GP for something like this - although it wouldn’t have helped anyway as I didn’t get sick pay. It was horrible. It took years to work through all the repercussions of estate and house and probate and all of that stuff in between working - and it cost me thousands to sort it all out.

Take weeks, months, however long you can afford, there are months and months of work involved and it definitely should be recognised.

Your Mum is a such a big loss, take time you need.

I took one day off, that’s all I was allowed as I worked in the NHS. We only got three days if you were next of kin and arranging the funeral ( and that was my sibling ).

I’m a single parent and I couldn’t afford to get signed off and risk losing my job.

I think there is a big difference being ready to be at work and coping with grief. Everyone is different. When my partner passed away through suicide i was back at work after 2 days. This is not because I wasn't affected. I was and I still am 2 years later. Work was a chance for me to pretend . I was awful in the evenings. Being at home alone was not good for me. I needed the familiarity of work. I told people not to.mention what had happened as I could not cope with discussing it. Have u sought any counseling OP? Hand hold

I took the three days after she died then went back to work for two weeks until her funeral. Had the day of her funeral off and the day before. I was working in an incredibly supportive place with lovely staff and they all took great care of me.

Dreadful. The NHS is such a wonderful caring employer isn’t it? 🙄

My Mum died in January. I had 1 and a half days off work and 1 day for her funeral.

I took a week off then another 4 days around the funeral. I wanted to go back for some normality, plus I couldnt just sit around for another 2 weeks before the funeral -but in hindsight my standard of work was shocking and it did me no favours.

No time, allowed off

They made sympathetic noises when I had the leave the office in tears several times but no time allowed off.

A day. I didn't need time off to be honest. I'm a busy person and the shock of it all didn't hit me til months later. Work helped

I took nearly 5 months off. Fortunately I got full sick pay.

My mum was relatively young, early 60s. Her diagnosis of cancer was a huge shock, and then my dad passed away suddenly a few days after that. Mum insisted we go back to work after a week. It was the most horrendous time. She died months later.

I think we never got time to grieve for my dad, and it all hit us after mum passed.

2 days then a day for the funeral but it was a complicated relationship
I thought I was absolutely fine until I found myself sobbing in the toilets at the wake

I’m so sorry for your loss op - try and take what time you need. Your employer has been very generous if they gave three weeks as paid bereavement leave, but if you feel you need more, which is totally normal and understandable, then definitely take some more time off by getting a Fit Note from your GP.

One week. I had oddly enough already booked that week off work months beforehand.
It wasn't enough. With hindsight I should've been signed off work. Work gave me just one day bereavement leave.

I was allowed one day off school when my dad died very suddenly.

I was unemployed so had about 10 weeks before I started a new job. And that still wasn't enough, I was very fragile. Be kind to yourself.