Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.
Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.
He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.
I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.
Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.
Bereavement
Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**
JungleZgok · 26/05/2022 05:44
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I've only just found your thread but couldn't leave it without replying.
I'm so very sorry your lovely boy has felt that he had no other option - but that is so often the case with severe mental illness. It's an all encompassing thing that sits at the core of everything.
I don't know if it will help you or not - but maybe in time it will - there was a recent Red Table Talk with the mother of Cheslie Kryst, a beautiful young woman who was the 2019 winner of Miss USA, and plagued by depression until she also left the world at the start of this year, aged 30. I won't link it - it will be too raw - but you can search for it if you want to later.
My own DS1 is 14 and suffering from some depression - he's seeing the school counsellor and under various programmes at the moment, to try and head off the deeper mental illness - but this is one of my greatest fears, that I can't stop the pain for him.
And that is something that is so hard to deal with - as mothers, we want to keep our babies safe from everything - but we can't, because it's impossible to keep them safe from their own "demons". 
So much love and hugs to you - I'm sending you all the love and strength in the world to help you through today. 
I’m thinking about you today @JungleZgok and sending your whole family love, strength and peace for what’s to come.
My heart is hurting for you and your family. I've been thinking about you and your DS since I first read the post. I'm so sorry and I have no words but just know you are in our thoughts and we are sending you love
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