Need A Hand Hold - DS18 in ICU **Trigger warning**

[JungleZgok]

Just over 18 years ago, when I was in early labour with my wonderful DS I posted on Mumsnet until I went to the hospital (have name changed since then but was a regular poster). I had lots of encouraging posts from lovely mumsnetters and it was so helpful.

Now my DS is in ICU in a critical condition. I have been up nearly all night. My heart is breaking and I have never known grief like this. DS has been suffering from anxiety and depression and has been on meds over the last 7 weeks and having therapy and visits from the Adult Mental Health service but yesterday evening he decided he couldn't face it anymore.

He is such a sweet boy who always thinks of others. We have a great family and he has been talking to his older and younger sister. He has been talking to both me and DH and we have done everything we can to help him and keep him safe. But it hasn't worked.

I want to understand why this has happened and answers and reassurance that he is going to pull through but it is not looking that good. I can't cope. I feel like a shell and have never cried so much or been sick and to the toilet so much. I can't sleep.

Please be kind. I am not feeling that strong at the moment.

[Decafflatteplease]

If I may @JungleZgok I'd like to share a quote a friend shared with me....

"The circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we are weak and sing with us when we are strong"

We are all here holding your hand x

[SunshineCake]

My heart is in my mouth every time I open this thread. I find myself thinking of you as I just go through the day .

[Kam610]

I am so very sorry OP. My thoughts are with you all at this very difficult time. Sending all my love to you and your family.

[DaisyQuakeJohnson]

I'm so sorry for you and your beautiful boy. Sending you peace and strength. Know that your thread will have helped so many others
Please remember to be gentle with yourself and take any support offered in RL.

[Decafflatteplease]

@runnerblade95

@Dillidilly @vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am glad that MN was here to hold your hand when you brought him into the world and that there is a legion of us holding your hand while you endure your anguish.

Isn’t it just? Just beautiful ❤️

Yes to all this.

This is MN at its best, at the worst of times and at the best of times

You and your family are so very very loved @JungleZgok

[Vimto1991]

I’m so sorry to read. Mental health is just as important as physical health. I really wish there were more resources and budget for that department. I struggle with anxiety and depression, it can overwhelm you, make you not yourself, whilst I am in therapy, I do wonder what will happen to my mind as soon as I am signed off.
Just know you did all you could, your son wouldn’t have thought any less of you, he was in a fight with his own demons.
thinking of you and your family. 💐

[BraveFaceScaredInside]

Sending so much love to you and your family, my heart breaks for you all

[daretodenim]

OP I'm another one still here and still thinking of you and your family. ❤️

[3luckystars]

Thinking of you and your son today and also everyone who loves him.

[GAHgamel]

@chocaholic73

I'm so sorry OP. There are simply no words but I think it's safe to say you are in the thoughts of many people today. On a practical note, you mentioning your DD insisting on continuing to sit her GCSEs while this is going on - make sure you ask the school about submitting special circumstances information to the exam board for her.

Was coming here to say this too, and also to suggest contacting her form tutor to ask them to let the invigilators know that she has an impending bereavement, so may find being in the exam hall suddenly overwhelming. If they can put her on a table near the door so if she feels the need to bolt she can do, without having to navigate the rest of the desks that may be helpful.

@JungleZgok I'm so, so sorry. I know there's nothing any of us can say to make this better, but it will become easier to carry over time. Keep leaning on each other, make use of Cruse and other specialist bereavement support groups, and I'm sure people here will be happy to handhold for as long as you need it.

[anotherdaynotanotherdollar]

Oh my love 💔

I am so sorry and will also light a candle for your son tonight. You are in my thoughts xxx

[Niceday203]

Not sure if it will help you but praying with all of my might for your lovely DS and the rest of your family

[runnerblade95]

@Dillidilly @vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am glad that MN was here to hold your hand when you brought him into the world and that there is a legion of us holding your hand while you endure your anguish.

Isn’t it just? Just beautiful ❤️

[rainbowruthie]

Sending much love and light

[Lilgamesh2]

Sending you so much love today @JungleZgok xx

[runnerblade95]

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am glad that MN was here to hold your hand when you brought him into the world and that there is a legion of us holding your hand while you endure your anguish.

This is just beautiful and has made me cry once again. Just beautiful 😢❤️

[Lilgamesh2]

Sending you so much love today @JungleZgok xx

[Dillidilly]

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I am glad that MN was here to hold your hand when you brought him into the world and that there is a legion of us holding your hand while you endure your anguish.

I'm very sorry that you have this need.

This is so beautifully expressed.
There is an invisible outpouring of love wrapped around you @JungleZgok, around your beautiful son and around your whole family.

[MrsRussell]

OP, you have more important hands to hold right now than mine, but I have a candle lit for your darling boy.

[grlwhowrites]

I'm so, incredibly sorry this is happening and that your lovely family is dealing with so much pain.
Just to echo the sentiments of others, please know it's not your fault at all. I can tell from your beautiful, heart-wrenching posts how deeply you care and how devoted you are to your family. If a stranger on the internet can feel that from your words, I have no doubt your DS will know it too. It's just that mental health problems can all too often sadly trump all.
I've had my own issues with mental health (an ED so not like your son's) but no reason permeated my brain during that time. Even when my periods stopped and serious damage was being done to my body, I still couldn't see sense. I think a lot of mental health issues can be like that, where everyone around you is doing the right thing and telling you truths but you just can't see it in those moments, so please know it's not your fault. You will be the light in his darkness.
Thinking of you and sending so much love and light to you and your family.

[SpinningCat2]

Thinking of you are your lovley family.

[Notasmartcookie]

You’ve been on my mind all day today OP. You and your lovely strong family.

Sending lots of love and hugs. 💗

[Underroad]

I am so sorry to read about this. I can tell how much pain you are in. Please don’t ever doubt what a wonderful mother you were to him. He did this when he was not himself any more. xx

[Shelaydownunderthetable]

Have been thinking of you today OP. My heart breaks for you. Sending love and support. I’m so sorry.

[runnerblade95]

I have been thinking about you and your son all day OP. Can’t really concentrate on anything else. Making lunch for DD right now but I just feel like I’m in a daze. My love and prayers are with you and your son.💐