Not sure I’m grieving “correctly”

[mummarunner]

I lost my Dad four weeks ago. It wasn’t unexpected but still somewhat of a shock when we got the call. He had been in a care home for several years. I didn’t see him at all in 2020 due to the pandemic and this is something that will haunt me forever. We were close but have had zero contact for over a year apart from letters (which I’m not even sure were ever read out to him). He was immobile and unable to communicate. He had had enough. I can almost accept that he has gone as I feel so sad when I think about the “life” he led, but I can’t get my head around the fact that I’ll never see him again, nor that I hadn’t seen him for so long before he passed.

A couple of weeks before he died I took a video call with him organised by his carer. It was hard seeing him so poorly. An hour after we hung up he asked the carer to call me again, I swear he knew what was happening and he wanted to say goodbye as he tried to wave.

What I am really struggling with is the fact that I seem to have returned to “normal” life very easily. I am just getting on with work, family etc like nothing has happened. Yes I feel sad and might have a little cry when I think too hard about Dad or look at photos, but I am otherwise fine. Surely this is not normal? I feel like I should be crying all the time and unable to cope yet I feel ok. What is wrong with me? Surely I haven’t accepted his death already, it just doesn’t seem right?

[squashyhat]

My Mum died some years ago after a long illness, and I remember feeling sad but not overwhelmed. My Dad died a couple of years ago. My sister and I were increasingly caring for him and we were so busy dealing with his estate and effects after he died (and he was very ill at the end) that it was almost a relief. Last year before lockdown my sister and I went to the funeral of a close family friend. She was the wife of a school friend of my Dad's who died many years ago and we all grew up together. Her youngest daughter committed suicide many years ago, and her eldest (my age) was ill with breast cancer and died later last year. During the service I collapsed on my sister's shoulder and sobbed and sobbed - for my parents, for the other family, for our lost childhoods; everything just came out. It was a complete shock to me (and my sister!) but it felt natural and right once I had mopped myself up. Take care of yourself and just go with it.

[Blurberoo]

Hi OP. I think the unreality of the Covid situation where you couldn’t physically see him for so long will be contributing to the sense of unreality you are feeling now. It’s all so abstract.
I lost my dad just as Covid was kicking off, so didn’t go through the heartbreak of not being able to see him, but his loss (despite knowing he had terminal cancer and pre-grieving) left me in huge shock. I also go over his last moments all the time; did he need me, was he trying to shout for help, was he in pain etc etc. It’s torture but I think a necessary part of the grieving process. I have to accept that I will never know and be at peace with that, which is so hard, my natural tendency is to try and ‘fix’ things.
A year on and i think less about that aspect and more about him pre-illness and grieve my Dad himself rather than the death event if you see what I mean. People have said to me that eventually you will remember with sadness but also with fondness and I can imagine that now, even though I’m not there yet. Fist bump to you, it’s so hard.

[dewisant2020]

All I can say is that after loosing my darling son there is no 'right' way to grieve.
People always expect me to be a blubbering mess, but I don't always feel like that, I'm slowly trying to rebuild my life and actually have periods of happiness. I refuse to act how people expect me too. I'll do it my way and so should you x

[Candleabra]

There is no right way. Whatever you feel is normal. Sorry about your dad.

[HatFishTeapot]

I could have almost have written your post, our circumstances are very similar. My dad also died 4 weeks ago, very suddenly but he also had alzheimers. I've cried a couple of times, but haven't been hit by intense grief as I expected, and I was very close to my dad.
I too have worried that I'm not grieving 'properly' but maybe it will hit me later. I also sort of worry that people will think I don't care, or that I'm cold and hard as I haven't cried in front of anyone, even my mum. But that's just not me, I'm very private.
But also, I think there is an element of having already said goodbye to the dad that I knew and loved a while ago. Also, and this may sound awful to some, but there is an element of relief, as it means her hadn't deteriorated further and died from his alzheimers.
I think it will just take time, and I'm fully expecting that on some random day in the future, something may tip me over the edge. We shall see. Take care of yourself.

[mummarunner]

@HatFishTeapot Absolutely spot on. I also worry that people, especially family, might think I have no feelings. And yes I definitely think I have already said goodbye to the Dad I knew before. Thank you for those words and sorry you have been going through a similar experience.

[mummarunner]

Yes I think the Covid situation has exaggerated the feelings of unreality and sense of surrealism.

[mummarunner]

I’m so thankful for you all sharing your experiences and am truly sorry for the losses you have had that have enabled you to comment xx

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

I had this.
Years ago when FiL died I cried every day for six months.
Imagine, then, how disconcerting it was to lose my much-loved Mum (just over a year ago now) and to barely cry at all. Sat dry-eyed through her funeral. That was a bit awkward. What on earth was wrong with me?

Turns out this is just one of the way the biscuit can crumble. Not sure why. I do get some of what PermanentTemporary says. I find some peace in knowing we all go back to Nature and our molecules go on to make up other living beings. Perhaps my unconscious has latched on to this rather too much!

I am sorry you are worrying about his last moments. The people I know who died just lost consciousness and slipped away later. Obviously they weren't your Dad though. Whatever happened, he is definitely free from distress now. I hope I haven't said the wrong thing here (feel free to shake your head and call me a silly moo if I have).

[ProseccoThyme]

Hello OP, and others who have shared their stories - how are you all doing?

This thread resonates with me, as I lost my dad 4 weeks ago today (he had dementia). I had done so much grieving for him whilst he was still alive, and am finding it hard to grieve after his death. I'm also finding it hard to remember the person he was before the dementia.

Hope every is doing ok?

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

Ironically I am writing this sobbing into the dog's fur.
As you might know I lost my Mum over eighteen months ago. Yesterday I went over to her house to see her new headstone put in, to tidy up her grave, to catch up with her widower,
...and to pick up her sewing box, which was my Gran's once.


The sewing box had a lot of the kit in that I remember from my childhood. And the yarn, needles and pattern for the hats that she'd made for me & DH.

Up til now I've felt like my grief was dammed up, it was there but behind a big wall and seeping out through tiny cracks.
But today it feels like one of the sluice gates was opened a little.

It has struck me so hard that when I was little I was part of this big family of women (Gran had all sisters and lots of them!) with skills and knowledge and now it's all gone. Just me (who can't really sew).

I think when you lose someone old who has been ill for a while, at first you can be mainly relieved that at least their suffering is over, and accept that their life has come to a natural end.
Later on, seeing things from a distance, you mourn for all the different people they were in their life. So today I am not mourning the little old lady that I would go to garden shows with. I am mourning the mother - over a decade younger then than I am now - who made me clothes, who knitted me (nice!) jumpers, who decorated my room and upcycled (before that was a word) a wardrobe and drawers for me ... That I now cannot bear to part with. And I'm mourning my Gran and great-aunt with the treadle sewing machines.

[MintyCedric]

Later on, seeing things from a distance, you mourn for all the different people they were in their life.

Oh, I can definitely relate to that.

My dad passed away 17 days ago. I've cried a bit here and there but like the OP didn't feel I was grieving 'properly'.

Yesterday I was putting together the slide show for his funeral and listening to some of his favourite jazz music and it was like being hit by a truck.

I'm trying to get the funeral admin finalised today but really struggling as I just feel exhausted and so very sad.

[chestnutmares]

Thanks for starting this thread. I found out one week ago that my dad had died. We had a complicated relationship and were not much in touch over the last couple of years, but I was his only child so am now having to sort everything. He hadn't been in great health but resisted all entreaties to move somewhere easier, and died alone in his flat. Like the OP, I feel like maybe I'm not doing this right. I'm managing all the death admin and occasionally having a little cry but mostly feel pretty 'normal'. It's very weird. I'm wondering if I'll totally lose it at some later stage or if I've already come to terms with his inevitable passing (he was nearly 83). I guess time will tell.