Not sure I’m grieving “correctly”

[mummarunner]

I lost my Dad four weeks ago. It wasn’t unexpected but still somewhat of a shock when we got the call. He had been in a care home for several years. I didn’t see him at all in 2020 due to the pandemic and this is something that will haunt me forever. We were close but have had zero contact for over a year apart from letters (which I’m not even sure were ever read out to him). He was immobile and unable to communicate. He had had enough. I can almost accept that he has gone as I feel so sad when I think about the “life” he led, but I can’t get my head around the fact that I’ll never see him again, nor that I hadn’t seen him for so long before he passed.

A couple of weeks before he died I took a video call with him organised by his carer. It was hard seeing him so poorly. An hour after we hung up he asked the carer to call me again, I swear he knew what was happening and he wanted to say goodbye as he tried to wave.

What I am really struggling with is the fact that I seem to have returned to “normal” life very easily. I am just getting on with work, family etc like nothing has happened. Yes I feel sad and might have a little cry when I think too hard about Dad or look at photos, but I am otherwise fine. Surely this is not normal? I feel like I should be crying all the time and unable to cope yet I feel ok. What is wrong with me? Surely I haven’t accepted his death already, it just doesn’t seem right?

[chestnutmares]

Thanks for starting this thread. I found out one week ago that my dad had died. We had a complicated relationship and were not much in touch over the last couple of years, but I was his only child so am now having to sort everything. He hadn't been in great health but resisted all entreaties to move somewhere easier, and died alone in his flat. Like the OP, I feel like maybe I'm not doing this right. I'm managing all the death admin and occasionally having a little cry but mostly feel pretty 'normal'. It's very weird. I'm wondering if I'll totally lose it at some later stage or if I've already come to terms with his inevitable passing (he was nearly 83). I guess time will tell.

[MintyCedric]

Later on, seeing things from a distance, you mourn for all the different people they were in their life.

Oh, I can definitely relate to that.

My dad passed away 17 days ago. I've cried a bit here and there but like the OP didn't feel I was grieving 'properly'.

Yesterday I was putting together the slide show for his funeral and listening to some of his favourite jazz music and it was like being hit by a truck.

I'm trying to get the funeral admin finalised today but really struggling as I just feel exhausted and so very sad.

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

Ironically I am writing this sobbing into the dog's fur.
As you might know I lost my Mum over eighteen months ago. Yesterday I went over to her house to see her new headstone put in, to tidy up her grave, to catch up with her widower,
...and to pick up her sewing box, which was my Gran's once.


The sewing box had a lot of the kit in that I remember from my childhood. And the yarn, needles and pattern for the hats that she'd made for me & DH.

Up til now I've felt like my grief was dammed up, it was there but behind a big wall and seeping out through tiny cracks.
But today it feels like one of the sluice gates was opened a little.

It has struck me so hard that when I was little I was part of this big family of women (Gran had all sisters and lots of them!) with skills and knowledge and now it's all gone. Just me (who can't really sew).

I think when you lose someone old who has been ill for a while, at first you can be mainly relieved that at least their suffering is over, and accept that their life has come to a natural end.
Later on, seeing things from a distance, you mourn for all the different people they were in their life. So today I am not mourning the little old lady that I would go to garden shows with. I am mourning the mother - over a decade younger then than I am now - who made me clothes, who knitted me (nice!) jumpers, who decorated my room and upcycled (before that was a word) a wardrobe and drawers for me ... That I now cannot bear to part with. And I'm mourning my Gran and great-aunt with the treadle sewing machines.

[ProseccoThyme]

Hello OP, and others who have shared their stories - how are you all doing?

This thread resonates with me, as I lost my dad 4 weeks ago today (he had dementia). I had done so much grieving for him whilst he was still alive, and am finding it hard to grieve after his death. I'm also finding it hard to remember the person he was before the dementia.

Hope every is doing ok?

[FluffyFluffyClouds]

I had this.
Years ago when FiL died I cried every day for six months.
Imagine, then, how disconcerting it was to lose my much-loved Mum (just over a year ago now) and to barely cry at all. Sat dry-eyed through her funeral. That was a bit awkward. What on earth was wrong with me?

Turns out this is just one of the way the biscuit can crumble. Not sure why. I do get some of what PermanentTemporary says. I find some peace in knowing we all go back to Nature and our molecules go on to make up other living beings. Perhaps my unconscious has latched on to this rather too much!

I am sorry you are worrying about his last moments. The people I know who died just lost consciousness and slipped away later. Obviously they weren't your Dad though. Whatever happened, he is definitely free from distress now. I hope I haven't said the wrong thing here (feel free to shake your head and call me a silly moo if I have).

[mummarunner]

I’m so thankful for you all sharing your experiences and am truly sorry for the losses you have had that have enabled you to comment xx

[mummarunner]

Yes I think the Covid situation has exaggerated the feelings of unreality and sense of surrealism.

[mummarunner]

@HatFishTeapot Absolutely spot on. I also worry that people, especially family, might think I have no feelings. And yes I definitely think I have already said goodbye to the Dad I knew before. Thank you for those words and sorry you have been going through a similar experience.

[HatFishTeapot]

I could have almost have written your post, our circumstances are very similar. My dad also died 4 weeks ago, very suddenly but he also had alzheimers. I've cried a couple of times, but haven't been hit by intense grief as I expected, and I was very close to my dad.
I too have worried that I'm not grieving 'properly' but maybe it will hit me later. I also sort of worry that people will think I don't care, or that I'm cold and hard as I haven't cried in front of anyone, even my mum. But that's just not me, I'm very private.
But also, I think there is an element of having already said goodbye to the dad that I knew and loved a while ago. Also, and this may sound awful to some, but there is an element of relief, as it means her hadn't deteriorated further and died from his alzheimers.
I think it will just take time, and I'm fully expecting that on some random day in the future, something may tip me over the edge. We shall see. Take care of yourself.

[Candleabra]

There is no right way. Whatever you feel is normal. Sorry about your dad.

[dewisant2020]

All I can say is that after loosing my darling son there is no 'right' way to grieve.
People always expect me to be a blubbering mess, but I don't always feel like that, I'm slowly trying to rebuild my life and actually have periods of happiness. I refuse to act how people expect me too. I'll do it my way and so should you x

[Blurberoo]

Hi OP. I think the unreality of the Covid situation where you couldn’t physically see him for so long will be contributing to the sense of unreality you are feeling now. It’s all so abstract.
I lost my dad just as Covid was kicking off, so didn’t go through the heartbreak of not being able to see him, but his loss (despite knowing he had terminal cancer and pre-grieving) left me in huge shock. I also go over his last moments all the time; did he need me, was he trying to shout for help, was he in pain etc etc. It’s torture but I think a necessary part of the grieving process. I have to accept that I will never know and be at peace with that, which is so hard, my natural tendency is to try and ‘fix’ things.
A year on and i think less about that aspect and more about him pre-illness and grieve my Dad himself rather than the death event if you see what I mean. People have said to me that eventually you will remember with sadness but also with fondness and I can imagine that now, even though I’m not there yet. Fist bump to you, it’s so hard.

[squashyhat]

My Mum died some years ago after a long illness, and I remember feeling sad but not overwhelmed. My Dad died a couple of years ago. My sister and I were increasingly caring for him and we were so busy dealing with his estate and effects after he died (and he was very ill at the end) that it was almost a relief. Last year before lockdown my sister and I went to the funeral of a close family friend. She was the wife of a school friend of my Dad's who died many years ago and we all grew up together. Her youngest daughter committed suicide many years ago, and her eldest (my age) was ill with breast cancer and died later last year. During the service I collapsed on my sister's shoulder and sobbed and sobbed - for my parents, for the other family, for our lost childhoods; everything just came out. It was a complete shock to me (and my sister!) but it felt natural and right once I had mopped myself up. Take care of yourself and just go with it.

[mummarunner]

When I wake up in the morning he is always on my mind. I wonder briefly if it was all a bad dream then realise it’s real and just get up and on with my life, work, kids etc.

I also overthink his last moments, imagine how it was for him, worry that he might have been scared. I play this over and over in my mind.

I wrote him a letter but now I don’t know what to do with it.

I clearly am grieving in my own way.

[Lockdownbear]

Grief comes in waves with something triggering a moment of sadness, stupid things, i remember being in floods when I realised my family, no longer filled a car.

[MindyStClaire]

I'm the same, my dad died from cancer last month and I'm not sure I've cried once since I came home a week later. I think it's a mix of a few things: this is actually much less stressful than his illness was, young kids and covid meaning nothing has changed inside our house and I need to keep going. I've had a previous bereavement after which I went to pieces - that was a person in her 20s, this is more of the natural order.

I figure I'll probably have a breakdown in six months or something, but in the meantime if I'm not feeling it that's ok.

The irish see death as part of life. Its something to be celebrated at a wake, with sandwiches and tea and laughter and stories and a large family who sit in a small kitchen together. Grief isnt always sobbing. Some of us accept death as being inevitable, and that's ok.

I'm Irish and I love this. The big family in the small kitchen, that brings back so many memories.

[diamondsandrose]

Hi OP, I agree with some pp's. My dad died under similar circumstances to yours and I think you know it's coming so you've grieved a bit already. It was nice you had that nice moment with him to say what you felt was a goodbye. When it happens you don't feel the terrible pain you feel you "should" as you've probably been feeling sad about your Dads health situation for a while. I think it really normal. Be kind to yourself OP and I hope your Dad rests in peace. X

[HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee]

Christ yea,a wake,the bevvy and eating, release of of pent up emotion emotion
Essentially after most funerals go back for a purvey and gathering

[TwirpingBird]

@mummarunner

Oh yes and to the person who mentioned telling funny stories, I have definitely found myself turning to humour, I seem to find a lot of strength in that. Perhaps it just reflects both my and my dad’s positivity, I don’t know.

Yes a lot of my sadness does centre around the last year, maybe I have already done a lot of grieving without realising.

I am so grateful for your responses, they are so reassuring and I will read and refer to them again. I am sorry also for everything you have had to go through in order to be able to give this advice.

I am irish. We believe in humour in grief. When my grandmother died my dad gave her eulogy at the funeral and we were all in fits of laughter. She was 85, lived a good life. The irish see death as part of life. Its something to be celebrated at a wake, with sandwiches and tea and laughter and stories and a large family who sit in a small kitchen together. Grief isnt always sobbing. Some of us accept death as being inevitable, and that's ok.

[mummarunner]

Oh yes and to the person who mentioned telling funny stories, I have definitely found myself turning to humour, I seem to find a lot of strength in that. Perhaps it just reflects both my and my dad’s positivity, I don’t know.

Yes a lot of my sadness does centre around the last year, maybe I have already done a lot of grieving without realising.

I am so grateful for your responses, they are so reassuring and I will read and refer to them again. I am sorry also for everything you have had to go through in order to be able to give this advice.

[Ifonlyiweretaller]

I find I am not grieving as I expected to since my dad passed 6 months ago. But I am learning to accept that we all have our own way of coping with things. As a friend said to me " you don't deal with grief, it deals with you".

[Mischance]

There truly is no normal. My OH died a year ago and yesterday was the anniversary of his funeral - I spent the whole day feeling very very angry! - just angry about everything to do with his life and death.

Totally unexpected and left field - but there it was - a random manifestation of grief.

There is no script for this. You will feel what you feel. Take care.

[mummarunner]

Thank you so much. I feel very reassured. It is true I did start grieving for him years ago when he lost his health. In fact every time I went home after visiting him over the last few years I would always say goodbye as if it were the last time, never really expecting it to be true. I wonder if maybe I’m finding it easier because I haven’t seen him for so long - in a sense nothing has changed in that respect.

I really appreciate your comments. I am certain he knew how loved he was, I just hope he understood why I couldn’t see him all year.

I do have people in RL to talk to but sometimes it is easier to talk anonymously whilst I process my feelings. Thank you.

[MyNameForToday1980]

I'm sorry for your loss.

The morning my father died in 2010 I just got ready, went to work, carried on as normal. For a good few days. I didn't know how else to react. He and my mother were long divorced, so I didn't even have her to consider/look after.

There were moments of actual blubbing sadness, there were moments of reflection.

There is no right way, there is no correct response, grief may shift and change, and grow and wane over weeks and months.

Read about he phases of grief, they're sometimes useful as a reference point.

[Babdoc]

It is different for everyone, OP. Sometimes the overwhelming emotion is relief, rather than grief, especially if there has been a long drawn out illness.
As PPs have said, there is no prescribed format. Deal with it in whatever way you find helpful. Just be aware that grief is not linear, and you may have delayed reactions even months or years down the line.
Feelings of guilt are very common, and yours seem to have coalesced around not being able to see him during lockdown. That was certainly not your fault, so try not to let it get out of proportion. Just be in tune with your feelings and accept them, whatever they are.