We have fallen out over our late baby son

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Our beautiful baby son died a few years ago and tonight my DH has gone to bed not talking to me. Overall it's been a shit weekend.

Last night we were watching tv together and he wanted to watch an episode of ''The Last Kingdom' he had recorded. In it a man was clawing at the ground digging up the body of his baby son who had died. It was pretty graphic and shocking. I left the room and went into the kitchen and muttered aloud to him that I found it upsetting and that I didn't think it was entertainment. He said that these things are sometimes part of the story and that he wasn't going to stop watching stuff every time I found it offensive. We went to bed not talking.

Today I brought my DC's to see a film where one of the main characters died. I welled up in the cinema, and at home afterwards asked the DC's if they found it sad. They said no and joked that they had seen their favourite characters in their computer games die, then my DS 8yo piped up "Sure we've seen a baby die in real life!" I said not to compare his brother to computer game characters and that I was disappointed. My DH told me to calm down and that I wasn't the "only person ever to have lost a child". He hasn't spoken to me for the rest of the day. Said goodnight in a snotty fashion and went up to bed a few minutes ago.

I don't mention our son very often. Naturally Christmas was sad for us but I cried in front of him for the first time in months a week or so ago. He was kind about it then.

He has really rattled my cage this weekend. I sometimes don't like his brusque manner towards me and how cold he can be. I didn't think we would let the sun set on an argument over our beautiful boy.

Btw, I reached out to him twice this evening but he rejected me both times.

Sorry for the rant. I am usually very private on MN but this has made me feel very alone.

[NNalreadyinuse]

Dont let him turn this on you and make it all your fault. It's a well known twat tactic.

[Badders123]

I'm not sure starting this over the phone was a good idea tbh.
What did you expect?
Very hard to give a heartfelt apology over the phone.
Maybe you have hurt him, and maybe it was recent?
This DOES NOT mean it was ok for him to treat you so coldly before he went away but tbh you seem to be trying to force him to feel something he doesn't...
Dh and I are very very different wrt emotion and at times he can seem unfeeling to me. He isn't...he just doesn't react the way I do.
I really hope you can get some sort of closure on this X

[Badders123]

No, it's not your fault you feel the way you do.
Absolutely not.
But it's not his fault if he doesn't feel the same.

[NNalreadyinuse]

I think it is possible to make a heartfelt apology over the phone - if you feel sorry that is!

No one has said he has to feel the same way as the OP, but he does have to acknowledge that she isn't okay and if he loved her, would behave with kindness and care. Where is his consideration of her grief? If he is really okay, then she shouldn't be the one bending over backwards to accommodate his feelings - he ought to be doing that for her.

I find his lack of support when she corrected the kids over their comment to be really awful.

[Badders123]

As you will see from my previous posts, I agree!
But I disagree wrt apologies.
Always better face to face imo
Op...did you and your dh have counselling after your loss?

[lucy101101]

Hi there, I don't know if this is helpful but I lost a baby 5 years ago and I have no doubt that my husband was devastated but he had a very different way of coping. Sometimes it has seemed like we are on parallel paths and at other times we are definitely walking side by side and supporting each other more. When I had my DD nearly two years ago I all sorts of feelings were brought up (the baby I lost was a girl) and I had a whole new (and terrible) grief that completely took me by surprise. My husband found it very difficult to cope with and I felt completely abandoned in a way.... however I can see now that this was the only way he could deal with it. It puts a tremendous strain on any relationship and I see with hindsight that my DH wasn't the person who could support me at that time.

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Thanks for your thoughts and feedback. I've calmed down a lot and we have spoken again today (not about the incidents but other stuff) and we did acknowledge that we love each other even if he thinks whatever of me (I don't know, didn't ask) and I think he has been a bit of a shit.

No, we didn't have counselling and maybe we struggle because of lack of outside support. We live for our dc's but maybe need to communicate with each other better.

I see a lot of common sense and empathy in your posts. I am really grateful for all your points of view, they have given me food for thought and some clarity. It is hard to think and see clearly whilst in the thick of it.

Does counselling really help? I went for a few sessions after my DM died (long before my DS). I sat in front of a counsellor who just said "Hmm" and "How did that make you feel?" No techniques for dealing with loss or stress. I talk too much when nervous so found it unhelpful and filling the silences was tiring. Can anyone put me straight, are there different types of counsellors?

[Badders123]

There are specialist counsellors that deal with the aftermath of the death of a child....my son went to one after my dad died. Our local one was amazing. Your GP should be able to refer you or you could even possibly self refer?
I know what you mean re counselling and tbh I shared your doubt (I went after my dad died and it wasn't at all helpful) but the chap my son saw was amazing.
Took us through the stages of grief a child feels (VERY different from an adults) and why it might seem his behaviour was odd/unfeeling.
I am glad you have found my posts helpful.
I do not for one second want to minimise your hurt, but....it's hard. Really hard. For both of you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It must be the worst thing that can happen to anyone....but...you are both still here, both still together and thats got to mean something?
I really hope you get the help you both need X

[Badders123]

[Duckdeamon]

No excuses for his shitty, nasty behaviour. He doesn't even see it and you haven't had an apology. Terrible.