We have fallen out over our late baby son

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Our beautiful baby son died a few years ago and tonight my DH has gone to bed not talking to me. Overall it's been a shit weekend.

Last night we were watching tv together and he wanted to watch an episode of ''The Last Kingdom' he had recorded. In it a man was clawing at the ground digging up the body of his baby son who had died. It was pretty graphic and shocking. I left the room and went into the kitchen and muttered aloud to him that I found it upsetting and that I didn't think it was entertainment. He said that these things are sometimes part of the story and that he wasn't going to stop watching stuff every time I found it offensive. We went to bed not talking.

Today I brought my DC's to see a film where one of the main characters died. I welled up in the cinema, and at home afterwards asked the DC's if they found it sad. They said no and joked that they had seen their favourite characters in their computer games die, then my DS 8yo piped up "Sure we've seen a baby die in real life!" I said not to compare his brother to computer game characters and that I was disappointed. My DH told me to calm down and that I wasn't the "only person ever to have lost a child". He hasn't spoken to me for the rest of the day. Said goodnight in a snotty fashion and went up to bed a few minutes ago.

I don't mention our son very often. Naturally Christmas was sad for us but I cried in front of him for the first time in months a week or so ago. He was kind about it then.

He has really rattled my cage this weekend. I sometimes don't like his brusque manner towards me and how cold he can be. I didn't think we would let the sun set on an argument over our beautiful boy.

Btw, I reached out to him twice this evening but he rejected me both times.

Sorry for the rant. I am usually very private on MN but this has made me feel very alone.

[Duckdeamon]

No excuses for his shitty, nasty behaviour. He doesn't even see it and you haven't had an apology. Terrible.

[Badders123]

[Badders123]

There are specialist counsellors that deal with the aftermath of the death of a child....my son went to one after my dad died. Our local one was amazing. Your GP should be able to refer you or you could even possibly self refer?
I know what you mean re counselling and tbh I shared your doubt (I went after my dad died and it wasn't at all helpful) but the chap my son saw was amazing.
Took us through the stages of grief a child feels (VERY different from an adults) and why it might seem his behaviour was odd/unfeeling.
I am glad you have found my posts helpful.
I do not for one second want to minimise your hurt, but....it's hard. Really hard. For both of you. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. It must be the worst thing that can happen to anyone....but...you are both still here, both still together and thats got to mean something?
I really hope you get the help you both need X

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Thanks for your thoughts and feedback. I've calmed down a lot and we have spoken again today (not about the incidents but other stuff) and we did acknowledge that we love each other even if he thinks whatever of me (I don't know, didn't ask) and I think he has been a bit of a shit.

No, we didn't have counselling and maybe we struggle because of lack of outside support. We live for our dc's but maybe need to communicate with each other better.

I see a lot of common sense and empathy in your posts. I am really grateful for all your points of view, they have given me food for thought and some clarity. It is hard to think and see clearly whilst in the thick of it.

Does counselling really help? I went for a few sessions after my DM died (long before my DS). I sat in front of a counsellor who just said "Hmm" and "How did that make you feel?" No techniques for dealing with loss or stress. I talk too much when nervous so found it unhelpful and filling the silences was tiring. Can anyone put me straight, are there different types of counsellors?

[lucy101101]

Hi there, I don't know if this is helpful but I lost a baby 5 years ago and I have no doubt that my husband was devastated but he had a very different way of coping. Sometimes it has seemed like we are on parallel paths and at other times we are definitely walking side by side and supporting each other more. When I had my DD nearly two years ago I all sorts of feelings were brought up (the baby I lost was a girl) and I had a whole new (and terrible) grief that completely took me by surprise. My husband found it very difficult to cope with and I felt completely abandoned in a way.... however I can see now that this was the only way he could deal with it. It puts a tremendous strain on any relationship and I see with hindsight that my DH wasn't the person who could support me at that time.

[Badders123]

As you will see from my previous posts, I agree!
But I disagree wrt apologies.
Always better face to face imo
Op...did you and your dh have counselling after your loss?

[NNalreadyinuse]

I think it is possible to make a heartfelt apology over the phone - if you feel sorry that is!

No one has said he has to feel the same way as the OP, but he does have to acknowledge that she isn't okay and if he loved her, would behave with kindness and care. Where is his consideration of her grief? If he is really okay, then she shouldn't be the one bending over backwards to accommodate his feelings - he ought to be doing that for her.

I find his lack of support when she corrected the kids over their comment to be really awful.

[Badders123]

No, it's not your fault you feel the way you do.
Absolutely not.
But it's not his fault if he doesn't feel the same.

[Badders123]

I'm not sure starting this over the phone was a good idea tbh.
What did you expect?
Very hard to give a heartfelt apology over the phone.
Maybe you have hurt him, and maybe it was recent?
This DOES NOT mean it was ok for him to treat you so coldly before he went away but tbh you seem to be trying to force him to feel something he doesn't...
Dh and I are very very different wrt emotion and at times he can seem unfeeling to me. He isn't...he just doesn't react the way I do.
I really hope you can get some sort of closure on this X

[NNalreadyinuse]

Dont let him turn this on you and make it all your fault. It's a well known twat tactic.

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Right, we spoke on the phone. He's in work so can't really talk. I said I expected an apology, he said we would talk later, I said would I get an apology - simple yes or no. He wouldn't commit. I told him he had hurt me. He said I had said things to hurt him too. WTF? Hand on heart, I have absolutely no idea what he is talking about. This I can not wait to hear. I must gave said something awful back in 2004. Jesus wept, I am too drained for this shit.

[AugustRose]

Martin your feelings are valid and you shouldn't have to justify or explain them to someone who should understand them.

I think you need to take this time while your DH is away to think about what you really want, if this kind of behaviour has become normal from him then you do deserve better than that.

[BlueSkyandRain]

I agree too, I certainly didn't intend to sound like I was making excuses for him. It's true there's no 'right way' to grieve, but there are right & wrong ways to behave, and even if he snapped initially at you for whatever reason, he definitely then chose to continue cold-shouldering you. Tbh it sounds like it's a more general issue anyway with your dh?

[expatinscotland]

I agree, NN.

[NNalreadyinuse]

I'm a bit pissed off with posters on this thread making excuses for his shitty behaviour. Even if he is 'further on in his grief' where is his concern for the OP, who is clearly still struggling?
Anger is not a valid response from him. She doesn't need that shit from him when she has enough on her plate.

[expatinscotland]

'It may be that your DH is further on his recovery road than you are '

There's no such thing as 'recovering' from the loss of a child.

My DD1 was 9 when she died 3.5 years ago, but I would have serious words with my H if he reacted like that.

I walk out of a lot of rooms when things are on. I cannot go to cinemas at all because I have PTSD and loud noises and sudden noises don't agree with me.

I would have words with my children, too. My son is 7 and has high-functioning autism and he speaks of his sister very lovingly.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Doublebubblebubble]

I remember how tough it was with my dh when my twins were stillborn. There are certain things we cant or refuse to watch. Of course Your feelings are valid but so are his and everyone grieves differently xx Our DD was 2.5 at the time and just sailed through it all and actually kept us sane S.A.N.Ds truly is the best. Have you seen a therapist or spoken to your Dr at all?? Pm me if you want x xx

[LizzieMacQueen]

Does he know you use Mumsnet and could you show him this thread?

I know my DH has 'moved on' from our last 2 pregnancy losses and I think I am almost there but it must be true of every relationship that has suffered a loss - one parent copes better. Maybe his anger arises from knowing he should do more to support you but feels inadequate.

[Badders123]

I'm not surprised.
You felt vulnerable and upset and he didn't acknowledge that.

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

He phoned and asked questions as if nothing happened - How are you, how were the kids going to school this morning, etc. I replied but didn't enquire how he was. I am too tired and still annoyed that my feelings aren't seen as valid. I feel very low about this.

[Badders123]

I have not lost a child and I found that episode very difficult to watch.
Your child's comment was unacceptable and disrespectful and I think you need to make sure that he/she knows you are upset and why.
I have - sadly - had many bereavements over the past 2 years and even though we are grieving for the same person, because our relationship with that person will be very different to the other grieving person, it can so sometimes seem that the other person is "over it" or "wrong".
His coldness to you is really unkind but there is no "right" way to grieve, nor a timeframe.
I'm sorry for your loss X

[NNalreadyinuse]

I think your h is being a total bastard tbh. There is no sensitivity or kindness from him towards you and he hasn't even supported you when you pulled your kids up on an inappropriate comment ( which you were right to do. Children need to learn to consider how their words and actions impact on others).

If my h went off for a week with no communication or apology and explanation for such shitty behaviour, he would he coming home to divorce papers. Serious question, but what good things are you getting from this relationship? You don't have to answer here, but think about it. Because if this is typical I can't see why you stay with him.

[MartinRohdesBellybuttonFluff]

Thank you very much August. He has gone away for work for the week and left without a hug or usual cheery goodbye. I probably won't hear from him or else he'll call as if nothing has happened. I need to be strong here so I don't think I'll pick up if he calls tbh, but based on his mood (unless he has an epiphany) I seriously don't think he'll bother.

I was going to start a thread in relationships asking what makes a marriage/partnership happy but it wouldn't be appropriate at this point.

I did speak with Sands (Little Lifetime Foundation where I am) five years ago and spoke to a marvellous lady there called Ronnie. I think I just want to turn inside into myself at the moment. I don't feel ready to talk even still.

Thank you for thinking of me

[AugustRose]

How are feeling this morning Martin? Have you used Sands before? I know forums and online support are not for everyone but they can be a good resource.

I hope you can talk to your DH soon to at least clear the air on this argument, no matter what else is going on I can understand not wanting to fight over your baby.

I'm sorry you don't have your parents here either

[AcrossthePond55]

You know, my own DH can seem a bit 'flip' at times when he's deeply affected and it can come across as cold. There are times I've had to call him out on it, he doesn't really know when he does it.

I still think counseling could help. Do you think he'd go with you if you asked? I think it's all too common that deep grief makes a divide where you'd think it would bring people closer.