I am fucking HACKED OFF with my DM who has just died.

[PlumpPartridge]

Well I am actually more hacked off (unfairly) with the people who've got in touch to express shock and sympathy.

My DM was a teacher (a very good one) for 20-odd years and taught me and a large number of my classmates. She is in touch with more of them on facebook than me and always seemed to have a good relationship with her students. They have all been in touch to tell me how she was their favourite teacher, how she made them believe in themselves, how she was the only one who truly seemed to care about them etc. They have got in touch via PMs a lot so it's not just for public show - they seem to really mean it.

The thing that upsets me is that she was horrible to live with. I was regularly told that I was fat and ugly and useless and that I was a horrible embarrassment. Smacking/hitting were normal when I was little and persisted until I was 15, but by then she'd moved on to wearing me down with a constant stream of criticism. Eventually I lost weight and did well in exams, so she could be proud of me. I also got married and had kids, so they became the light of her life. And now she's dead.

I am answering all these nice messages with a quirked smile and a strained 'thank you, that means a lot' when really I just want to shout 'She was fucking HORRIBLE to me! AND my dad, AND my sister! I'm not imagining it!!' I feel like I'm being gaslighted by the whole world, even though I know I'm not and that she was just completely different with anyone who wasn't in her family :(

I'm also sad she's dead, for some inexplicable reason. She was my mummy, once. She was the centre of my world and she told me I was shit, so I believed it.

I wish things had been different.

[ancientbuchanan]

Very best for tomorrow. Don't worry about the house. Those who knew her will understand. Don't bother about the rest.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Just worry about getting through the day. Smile and be polite, make yourself the bigger person. I know it will be hard for you regardless and you will have to recover from all of this afterwards and maybe for some time to come. Don't worry about the house and certainly not if nobody else is bothered. Wishing you all the best.

[Misfitless]

Thinking of you today, plump x

[Jux]

Thinking of you today, plump.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Very good advice from ItCouldBeWorse - thinking of you today, good luck.

[duchesse]

I think (having had similar thing with my father) that the most damaging thing is the lack of apology and reconciliation at the end. The feeling that the abusive person felt so justified in their behaviour that they took that to the grave. The lack of a letter even acknowledging that they knew that they had been hard on you. I was also angry that none of these people stepped in when I and my siblings were small to protect us- they all seemed more interested in preserving their own relationship with my father than in protecting vulnerable children. I have nothing to say to these people. They were not our friends, only yes men.

And that is shit. Nothing about the things these people are saying to you is in any way relevant to you. They did not have the close and unfortunate relationship with your mother that you did. They simply do not know. Abusive people tend to be very good at gathering a group of people around them who reflect their best aspects. The shameful behaviour with their nearest and dearest can safely be compartmentalised and/or blamed on those nearest and dearest.

My father pretty much apologised to us via my sister a couple of years ago when he was beginning to feel that death was catching up with him, but again it was quite a self-serving apology.

I am sorry that you have been left with no apology or acknowledgement. it makes the bereavement worse, because you bereaved and also grieving for a non-existent perfect childhood.

[something2say]

I'd say, don't bother to clean up her shit. Let people into her home and let a few eyebrows raise at who she actually was. Why should you hide it for her? X. Hope today has been bearable.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Hope it went OK today...and most importantly, that you are OK x

[PlumpPartridge]

Thanks all. It was actually kind of a nice day, in a funny way. We had to entertain visiting relatives from 9.30am to 8.30pm, which was tiring but they're a nice lot.

My sister gave a brilliant speech at the funeral and I was so proud of her. She then completely spoiled it by leaving the wake early without saying bye to anyone and ignoring texts/phone calls. When finally tracked down (we did actually need an item from her) she said that she'd had enough of idle chat and simply wanted to be alone. Which is perfectly understandable, but so did we!! She always assumes she can just opt out and that others will pick up the slack. My dad was emphatically not impressed, esp as he was struggling too.

Anyway. It was nice to speak to all the well-wishers but still a bit of an odd day. I haven't quite registered that she's gone yet. I keep expecting her to come in and offer me tea :(

[LongPieceofString]

I'm glad it went okay. Sounds like you did yourself proud - shame about your sister but you can be proud of yourself. Xxx

[MrsC1969HJ]

It seems you did amazingly well and you clearly love your Mum and I am sure she loved you. Try and hold onto that. You should be so proud of yourself :-)

[EthelDorothySusan]

That is good to hear that the day went ok for you.

[PlumpPartridge]

Thanks all.

I am back at work now and it's starting to sink in a bit.Can anyone recommend any books that might be of use to someone who has just a lost a somewhat 'difficult' parent? I'm getting a bit irate because I am quite sure that my feelings have been extensively described elsewhere and I'd like to find out what they are, since I'm struggling to articulate them myself.....

[MrsC1969HJ]

I wonder if it might be worth contacting "Cruse", the bereavement organisation, I am sure they can point you in the right direction? Hope you're feeling OK my love x