I am fucking HACKED OFF with my DM who has just died.

[PlumpPartridge]

Well I am actually more hacked off (unfairly) with the people who've got in touch to express shock and sympathy.

My DM was a teacher (a very good one) for 20-odd years and taught me and a large number of my classmates. She is in touch with more of them on facebook than me and always seemed to have a good relationship with her students. They have all been in touch to tell me how she was their favourite teacher, how she made them believe in themselves, how she was the only one who truly seemed to care about them etc. They have got in touch via PMs a lot so it's not just for public show - they seem to really mean it.

The thing that upsets me is that she was horrible to live with. I was regularly told that I was fat and ugly and useless and that I was a horrible embarrassment. Smacking/hitting were normal when I was little and persisted until I was 15, but by then she'd moved on to wearing me down with a constant stream of criticism. Eventually I lost weight and did well in exams, so she could be proud of me. I also got married and had kids, so they became the light of her life. And now she's dead.

I am answering all these nice messages with a quirked smile and a strained 'thank you, that means a lot' when really I just want to shout 'She was fucking HORRIBLE to me! AND my dad, AND my sister! I'm not imagining it!!' I feel like I'm being gaslighted by the whole world, even though I know I'm not and that she was just completely different with anyone who wasn't in her family :(

I'm also sad she's dead, for some inexplicable reason. She was my mummy, once. She was the centre of my world and she told me I was shit, so I believed it.

I wish things had been different.

[MrsC1969HJ]

I wonder if it might be worth contacting "Cruse", the bereavement organisation, I am sure they can point you in the right direction? Hope you're feeling OK my love x

[PlumpPartridge]

Thanks all.

I am back at work now and it's starting to sink in a bit.Can anyone recommend any books that might be of use to someone who has just a lost a somewhat 'difficult' parent? I'm getting a bit irate because I am quite sure that my feelings have been extensively described elsewhere and I'd like to find out what they are, since I'm struggling to articulate them myself.....

[EthelDorothySusan]

That is good to hear that the day went ok for you.

[MrsC1969HJ]

It seems you did amazingly well and you clearly love your Mum and I am sure she loved you. Try and hold onto that. You should be so proud of yourself :-)

[LongPieceofString]

I'm glad it went okay. Sounds like you did yourself proud - shame about your sister but you can be proud of yourself. Xxx

[PlumpPartridge]

Thanks all. It was actually kind of a nice day, in a funny way. We had to entertain visiting relatives from 9.30am to 8.30pm, which was tiring but they're a nice lot.

My sister gave a brilliant speech at the funeral and I was so proud of her. She then completely spoiled it by leaving the wake early without saying bye to anyone and ignoring texts/phone calls. When finally tracked down (we did actually need an item from her) she said that she'd had enough of idle chat and simply wanted to be alone. Which is perfectly understandable, but so did we!! She always assumes she can just opt out and that others will pick up the slack. My dad was emphatically not impressed, esp as he was struggling too.

Anyway. It was nice to speak to all the well-wishers but still a bit of an odd day. I haven't quite registered that she's gone yet. I keep expecting her to come in and offer me tea :(

[MrsC1969HJ]

Hope it went OK today...and most importantly, that you are OK x

[something2say]

I'd say, don't bother to clean up her shit. Let people into her home and let a few eyebrows raise at who she actually was. Why should you hide it for her? X. Hope today has been bearable.

[duchesse]

I think (having had similar thing with my father) that the most damaging thing is the lack of apology and reconciliation at the end. The feeling that the abusive person felt so justified in their behaviour that they took that to the grave. The lack of a letter even acknowledging that they knew that they had been hard on you. I was also angry that none of these people stepped in when I and my siblings were small to protect us- they all seemed more interested in preserving their own relationship with my father than in protecting vulnerable children. I have nothing to say to these people. They were not our friends, only yes men.

And that is shit. Nothing about the things these people are saying to you is in any way relevant to you. They did not have the close and unfortunate relationship with your mother that you did. They simply do not know. Abusive people tend to be very good at gathering a group of people around them who reflect their best aspects. The shameful behaviour with their nearest and dearest can safely be compartmentalised and/or blamed on those nearest and dearest.

My father pretty much apologised to us via my sister a couple of years ago when he was beginning to feel that death was catching up with him, but again it was quite a self-serving apology.

I am sorry that you have been left with no apology or acknowledgement. it makes the bereavement worse, because you bereaved and also grieving for a non-existent perfect childhood.

[MrsC1969HJ]

Very good advice from ItCouldBeWorse - thinking of you today, good luck.

[Jux]

Thinking of you today, plump.

[Misfitless]

Thinking of you today, plump x

[MrsC1969HJ]

Just worry about getting through the day. Smile and be polite, make yourself the bigger person. I know it will be hard for you regardless and you will have to recover from all of this afterwards and maybe for some time to come. Don't worry about the house and certainly not if nobody else is bothered. Wishing you all the best.

[ancientbuchanan]

Very best for tomorrow. Don't worry about the house. Those who knew her will understand. Don't bother about the rest.

[KhloeKardashian]

I wish you all the best for tomorrow. I am sorry for all that you have been through. You don't have to answer the fb messages.

[PlumpPartridge]

Well, the funeral is tomorrow and I seem to have a place reserved in the limo, so I guess I'd better go

Thank you for all the kind words of wisdom and encouragement; it is good to know that other people do get it. My aunt (mum's sister) is being very understanding but I am not sure how far I can push her goodwill.

It's just hard, especially with the influx of visitors whom we apparently have to look after and get the house gleaming for. She was not a tidy person. This house is a sty. My dad won't help. My sister has moved out and doesn't want to help anyway. ARGH.

[Snog]

I am sorry for what you are going through PP. It must be so hard - I know the gaslighting feeling only too well.
My mum is similar, and when she dies I am planning not to attend her funeral because of this. Is this something you would ever consider?
Hearing how wonderful everyone else thinks she is and how lucky I am to have her as a mother would be a bit too much to handle for me.

[MrsC1969HJ]

I am so sorry for your loss and your anger is natural and understandable. I had a similar situation when my Mum died. I fell pregnant outside of marriage with my eldest child, I was 29 though, but my mother was distraught and angry at me as it went against her beliefs of having a child outside of "wedlock" as she put it. So, she ignored me throughout my entire pregnancy, cut me off completely, no calls, nothing. It was awful, you really need your Mum then! When I had my DD, she turned up at the hospital the next day as if nothing had happened so I just let it go, she was an amazing grandmother and adored my daughter. However, she died 4 years later of cancer at only 61 years old. At her funeral somebody approached me and said how excited my Mum had been when I was pregnant, she was so delighted she was going to be a grandmother etc...I was absolutely gutted! I couldn't believe she had done that having cut me off. It floored me and I cried for days about it. In the end, I decided that there was no point in being angry, I couldn't do anything about it and I couldn't talk to her about it. So, I have some understanding of how you feel. It is hard to be so angry with a dead person because it's so difficult to find a way to channel that anger. I hope you find some peace, the problem was hers and she must have had some real issues to have behaved how she did. You will forgive her one day because you are clearly a lovely person.

[ancientbuchanan]

I think the Scots can just be more frank/ brutal in how they express things....the English fudge...

My DM grieved all her life and indeed was eaten up all her life about it. But she managed to break the cycle, just as I guess you have done, and love us. It's the hardest and best thing you can possibly do , if you think about it. Abusers have so often been abused themselves. But if you stop it, you are setting yourself and future generations free. And you are increasing the supplies of love, and nothing is more important when the chips are down....

So well done. Comfort yourself with that thought, and know that we salute you.

[Pawprint]

Sorry to hear that. I had mixed feelings when one of my grandmother's died. She was not cruel, but was very difficult to be around. In all honesty, I just didn't like her much :(

[cardamomginger]

So so sorry. For all of it.

I had a toxic bitch of a mother who suddenly dropped dead one day. I recognise so many of the things you say you find hard. It was particularly hard having to read/listen to all the lovely things people said about her, in an attempt to comfort me. It's just what people say - they work on the assumption that this is what will help, and this is 'the done thing' following a death.

I had assumed that no one knew what a vile and abusive person she was. Years after her death I found out from her sister that she had been a complete PA NP bitch to her too. That made certain things harder (everyone had talked about 'poor little cardamom' when I was very young, but had done nothing), but it made things easier, as it put a different light on how my aunt and other people had behaved immediately following her death. The nice things they said about my mother were partly to do with wish fulfilment, and grief for what had not been, or what had only been infrequently.

I'm sorry. XXX

[Kudzugirl]

Plump

I hated the fact that my Father treated some random off the street better than his own children. I hated the fact that I had to sit and listen to everybody telling me what a lovely man my Father was and all the time I sat there seething wanting to correct them "No he was a git actually- an abusive cruel and callous git".

You have my sympathies and anytime you want to rant, please do PM me. I hear you, I truly do.

.

[freezingdrizzle]

Plump.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wanted to share my experience with my mother a bit with you. She is not dead, she is very much alive. But I grew up in a very difficult frightening environment, she was (and is) a depressive anorexic narcissist. Ha. Almost sounds funny when I write it down. My childhood involved so much lying, protecting (of her) & watching her be sweet, kind & utterly charming to our friends and family. Her rage was saved for her children.
She is quite a different woman now, and the most attentive, loving and fun grandmother to my DD you could imagine. And my god it F*cks me off so much. I find it so difficult that she is so wonderful to her. NOT for a minute that I would want her to not be nice to her, but why didn't she treat me like that?
Anyway, I have had a lot of hugely helpful therapy in the last few years. My wonderful therapist talks about how difficult it is for children who never had a proper (unconditionally) loving mother growing up because more often than not no one else realises that they have grown up with such a lack. It is not even a loss for some, as they never had it to start with.

The biggest comfort I get is from my relationship with my DD. I only really began to heal when she was born.

This is what helps me:
The truth is, it is my history. It is me childhood. I can't change it now, and I have every right to grieve for what should have been mine - unconditional love. But I must face each day knowing that I love myself unconditionally and I know how to pass that on. Some days are better than others :)

Sorry I have rambled about myself, and perhaps there is not much you identify with here. But I wanted to offer you some comfort. I am so sorry for your pain.

[Jux]

I'm sorry for your loss, plump, your double-loss.

I realised when mum died that she had never ever been supportive of me, had just left me to sink or swim throughout my life as if she had washed her hands of me when I was little; she had been amazing and wonderful to pretty well everyone else in the bloody world. At another family funeral some years later, one of my favourite cousins said something to me about her, and I plucked up the courage to say not all relationships are as they seem from the outside, to be utterly pooh-poohed and told how marvellous my mother was. I felt abandoned all over again. So, clearly trying to tell people is not worth it.

Time helps. I think counselling would help more.