My DD reduces me to tears, can no longer control her behaviour, what would you do?

[angelica30]

My DD is almost 4 and the first 6 months of her life were sheer joy, she was a very happy baby and I loved spended time with her. Now, its a different story and I am finding the time I spend with her a daily battle rathern than getting much joy out of it. I work part-time and DD attends nursery 2 days a week. Apparently she is a 'joy to be with' at the nursery, is always happy and smiley and is no problem at all. However, at home she is completely different.

I try to think of fun things to do with her and we spend lots of time with friends, going swimming, going to the cinema etc but she is never happy. She moans as soon as she wakes up until we finally get her into bed. She is constantly grumpy and seems to whine non-stop. Yesterday she reduced me to tears, had tried to do lots of nice things with her but she just moaned and complained constantly. I just want to enjoy spending time with her but at the moment its impossible. Its now got to the point where I dont think we can have any of her friends round to play as her behaviour deteriorates so badly - and other mothers look on in shock.

I have never smacked her but DH thinks that it has got to the point where shes needs to understand that if she doesnt behave she gets smacked. He thinks we are too nice. I never lose my temper with her even when shes naughty, I try and stay calm and end up crying but DD seems to take delight in the fact that she can upset me. I have friends with dc of a similiar age and although this sounds awful, they are angels in comparison with my dd. I just don't know where we've gone wrong.

Do you think smacking her is the answer? I have tried putting her in her room when she's naughty, taking away all toys and treats when she's misbehaving, but nothing works. Any advice would be appreciated! Currently pregnant with number 2 and to be honest I am scared rigid about how I will cope with a newborn and dd...

[piscesmoon]

I think that if you start at the beginning, and read it through slowly, you will see that there is some excellent advice. I think that you are taking offence when none is intended-you asked what people would do and they are telling you. You have to sift through it-some will be suitable and some won't but I don't think you want to delete the thread.

[angelica30]

So because I asked for support and advice about coping with difficult toddler behaviour, I am now suffering from depression. My god this is unbelievable. Because I dare to disagree with some comments I am labelled as a depressive All of a sudden I need to see a gp? You know nothing about me! Some of you may be depressed as you are actually transferring your depression onto me! For the record I am not depressed. I have a lovely DH and dd, a fantastic job and a nice life. I've had a couple of bad days with dd while coping with morning sickness and maybe I did want some hairstroking, I'll certainly know better than to try and find it on here.

[angelica30]

The saddest most tragic thing of all is that I am a regular long time poster and I recognise quite a few names on this thread - we've had some good exchanges in the past. But name changed out of embarrassment. I bet if I'd posted under my regular well known name I'd got have got more understanding. Never know now.

[AvrilH]

"The saddest most tragic thing of all is that I am a regular long time poster..."

If that is really the saddest and most tragic thing of all, you have certainly had an exceptionally nice life.

[piscesmoon]

I have read it through again slowly and I think that there are about 4 posts that you could take the wrong way, if you were sensitive, there are a few more after advice was rejected. Most of it is sensible, helpful and worth trying.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I'm sorry you're taking the advice given here badly, but you did ask for it! If you just wanted sympathy and hair stroking, that's what you should have asked for.

And if you think your parenting is fine, then carry on. But I reckon you've been given some good advice, and I would, with the very best on intentions, suggest you read over everything again with an open mind when you're feeling a little less upset.

Good luck!

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[seeker]

I do think that it's incredibly important that you don't let your dd see you cry. It's really scary for a child this young to feel that they have so much power.

Try to imagine what it must be like to be a 4 year old who sees her actions reducing her mother to tears and driving her out of the room. A bit like the Sorcerer's Apprentice!

There is a world of options between smacking and shouting like a fishwife and being reduced to tears and leaving the room.

I suggest relentless cheerfulness and clearly and firmly but gently enforced boundaries. Get your Equity card out and act for all your worth!

[BalloonSlayer]

Angelica, how can you type things like:

"can no longer control her behaviour, what would you do?"

"I just don't know where we've gone wrong."

"Any advice would be appreciated!"

"Do you think smacking her is the answer?"

• which are all related to parenting, and then say "I don't think the problem lies with my parenting skills."

being able to control behaviour - is a parenting issue
smacking is a parenting issue
every single piece of interaction you have with your child is parenting

You asked for advice on parenting, to come straight back and say people are criticising your parenting because they have suggested you try to react in a different manner - when you asked where you have gone wrong and for new ideas - is quite extraordinary.

Whatever did you want people to say to you?

[tryingtoleave]

I think it's a bit odd that you are considering smacking - and have let your dh smack dd - before you consider softer approaches like time out. I was always against time out; I didn't like the idea and didn't think I could enforce it with ds. I tried just to ignore his bad behaviour But when dd was born and ds was approaching 3 some of his behaviour (hitting dd, throwing things) became unacceptable and I started sending him to his room. To my complete surprise, it worked. After having to return him to his room a few times he got the point. He understands why he is being sent there and he stays till I tell him to come out. His behaviour in those specific areas that I was concerned about has improved. So sometimes it is worth trying something new to stop particularly bad behaviour.

[Binkyboo]

I think that the OP may be more interested in the number of responses on 'her' thread than good advice about handling a stroppy child.
I think it may have been posted to generate this sort of strange online falling out that some people seem to thrive upon - the comment about name changing to 'test' the reaction of others to a known name or an unknown is v odd.
Whatever advice posters had given the OP was going to take umbrage as that was her intention - to create a frenzy of I am offended/ sorry I offended you / I didn't mean to offend you ad infinitum......

[doggiesayswoof]

Hmm - OP you asked for advice, not hairstrokes

And you have got some really good advice so far

I hope the thread isn't deleted, there are no personal attacks here as far as I can see

And I have been helped by the advice as I currently have a tricky 5yo DD and need new strategies to deal with her behaviour

If you have no issues at all with your parenting skills I fail to see why you would post asking for advice on that very subject

[doggiesayswoof]

Also if people post suggestions that aren't relevant to you (eg see your GP to check you are not depressed) then how about just disregarding them?

We all have to make some assumptions and speculate a bit on here because we never know the whole story behind a thread. We only have the info given in people's posts.

[stickylittlefingers]

Angelica -being reduced to tears by your dd is not a normal way to carry on, so I'm not surprised some posters wondered about depression.

Have you tried leaving her to herself a bit more, so she develops her own resources and is not so dependent on you?

If she's bored at home, is it worth thinking about upping her nursery days - perhaps 5 half days a week. Would get her in the groove for school too? Or whatever fits with your work.

Very glad to hear you have a fantastic dh and job too!!

[screamingabdab]

Angelica - I really hope you come back to this thread . You have had some excellent advice.

I too used to be in tears when my DCs were younger. I would have loved the advice here, though I also know that, in the short term it might have made me feel worse because I was feeling vulnerable.

I really agree with what MrsGravy said, that at the end of the day, your DD is 4. It isn't within her power to change the way things are between you, so that just leaves you.

When I came to this realisation, I stopped being angry (in my case I was angry) and started to sort out what might help.

Lots of suggestions here

Good luck with it.

[screamingabdab]

Oh, and by the way. I have suffered from depression, and it is nothing to be shamed of or offended by.

[screamingabdab]

And people with perfectly "good" lives can suffer from it.

[sunfleurs]

Read most of this thread. OP it sounds to me like you take her behaviour personally. Its not personal when kids behave badly imvho, it is just because they are boundary pushing KIDS. I get this impression because of how you have reacted to some of the really fabulous advice given on here. I don't understand how someone could be insulted tbh, unless they have other issues.

I will be honest, your OP rang a lot of bells with me, the constantly coming up with fun things to do and then getting upset because your child is moaning and whinging and being ungrateful. I have learned that if you keep on and on pushing "fun" and treats onto your kids they get tired of it and start taking it for granted pretty quickly. I used to build the treat up and how fab is was going to be in my mind and then get upset when the required gratitude wasn't shown.

I have a child with ASD and he responds well to the same kind of parenting as described by shineon, clear boundaries, let them know when they have stepped out of line. It works. Having said that I am going to order one or two of the books mentioned on here because shouty Mummy does appear sometimes a bit more often than I would like .

[mathanxiety]

123 magic is a great method. It gives you back the feeling that you are doing the driving, and nobody gets hurt. But you have to do it all the time, no more 'sometimes putting her in her room when she is naughty' you have to be on duty in the role of enforcer every hour she is awake. I know a family with 6 DCs and they use this keeps them sane. And the Cs are very D too.

I definitely think you are overdoing the entertaining. Plus, all that fun might be tiring her out (and you too). Routine and simple toys and activities might be what she craves, especially if she has had a taste of this in nursery school. No cinema, no crowds of children over to play. Boundaries, enforcement, a clear statement of who is in charge -- all needed by small children.

So please stop crying in front of her. That is terrifying for a child; crying is her job. It is probably also worrying for your DH, and so is complaining to him despairingly about DD's behaviour; if he's like most men (sorry for assumptions) he is only paying half the attention he should be and will favour anything that appears to him to be a quick and effortless solution. There is no effortless solution when it comes to children's behaviour.

[mrshibbins]

great definitive constructive reply, mathanxiety, thumbs up.

[bluejellybean]

mathanxiety just wondering about 123 magic. What age could you use it from and at what point would you go back to 1, say you had got to 2, a few hours??