My DD reduces me to tears, can no longer control her behaviour, what would you do?

[angelica30]

My DD is almost 4 and the first 6 months of her life were sheer joy, she was a very happy baby and I loved spended time with her. Now, its a different story and I am finding the time I spend with her a daily battle rathern than getting much joy out of it. I work part-time and DD attends nursery 2 days a week. Apparently she is a 'joy to be with' at the nursery, is always happy and smiley and is no problem at all. However, at home she is completely different.

I try to think of fun things to do with her and we spend lots of time with friends, going swimming, going to the cinema etc but she is never happy. She moans as soon as she wakes up until we finally get her into bed. She is constantly grumpy and seems to whine non-stop. Yesterday she reduced me to tears, had tried to do lots of nice things with her but she just moaned and complained constantly. I just want to enjoy spending time with her but at the moment its impossible. Its now got to the point where I dont think we can have any of her friends round to play as her behaviour deteriorates so badly - and other mothers look on in shock.

I have never smacked her but DH thinks that it has got to the point where shes needs to understand that if she doesnt behave she gets smacked. He thinks we are too nice. I never lose my temper with her even when shes naughty, I try and stay calm and end up crying but DD seems to take delight in the fact that she can upset me. I have friends with dc of a similiar age and although this sounds awful, they are angels in comparison with my dd. I just don't know where we've gone wrong.

Do you think smacking her is the answer? I have tried putting her in her room when she's naughty, taking away all toys and treats when she's misbehaving, but nothing works. Any advice would be appreciated! Currently pregnant with number 2 and to be honest I am scared rigid about how I will cope with a newborn and dd...

[MrsFreedy]

As you say you are pregnant and your hormones are all over the place which is why simple things reduce you to tears.

When DD is at nursery she is on the go doing lots of things and socialising with other kids so all she may want to do at home is chill out and watch the telly and you trying to entertain her is probably the last thing she wants to do.

Having said all that I do agree with some of the others that you should try other forms of disipline to see what works for you. I do the counting to 3 and that usually works for me.

[angelica30]

Goodness, it amazes me how posters can start getting personal and start throwing personal insults about. I did say in my original message that I am pregnant and am very worried about coping with a toddler and a newborn (this explains why I?m reduced to tears at the moment, I?m not normally). Also amazed that some think it is acceptable to shout at a small child to try and get their point across. I must say after reading these types of comments I actually feel much better about my parenting skills! I?d rather take myself off into a room for 5 minutes and let dd entertain herself rather than start yelling like a fisherwoman. I thought I would find support on here rather than be personally attacked. Don?t think I will bother again.

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

any comments about your own parenting is going to be personal. You didnt say in your OP that the pregancy makes you cry when normally you dont.
Well good luck if your going to leave the room everytime she misbehaves (wonders what message that gives a 4 year old).

That the pleasure of a parenting forum, we all have different views, if you ask for opinions, dont get stroppy when you dont like what you hear.

Nice to know you think of yourself as a wonderful parent.

[MrsGravy]

Ok, are you just skim reading here?? Sure some people have been a bit bolshy but the majority have been friendly, reassuring and constructive. And you're ignoring all of this.

I don't think you should bother again tbh, not if you're not prepared to read people's posts properly or take on board some of what they're saying.

I think you're being really rude actually. Some people have replied asking for more info so they can offer you advice and you've completely ignored them.

[piscesmoon]

I think that there has been some excellent advice-unfortunately, in order to give answers people need to suggest where you are going wrong-I would try and take in the spirit it is meant.
Smacking is never the answer.
I know that in your present state you are probably hormonal, but if you think you are going to cry move to a different room and count to ten. As someone said, a young DC needs to know that you are in control-the power to make a parent dissolve into tears is scary for a DC.
I think that you are trying too hard to keep her happy-mine are older but I tell them that I am not their entertainments manager! She doesn't have to be doing 'nice' things all the time. Boredom and benign neglect are wonderful tools for her making her own entertainment.

[angelica30]

I am going to ask for this thread to be removed. I am shocked that when someone is looking for support they are met with personal insults and criticism. I do not expect, obviously, everyone to agree with me but neither do I expect people to for e.g start questioning my mental state by implying I am dealing with issues from my childhool. How insulting. I guess it is easy to gang up on someone when they admit they're upset and tearful.

[BitOfFun]

It would be a shame for the thread to be removed as you have had some good advice. I just don't see any personal attacks, I'm baffled by your reaction tbh

[Heated]

I think the advice has been pretty constructive but tone is hard to convey on here. Everyone has agreed with you that DH's suggestion of smacking isn't the answer. Does any of the advice resonate or are we barking up the wrong tree?

[Stigaloid]

I agree with Mrs Gravy - i think you have been quite rude when so many people have come on to be so helpful and offer as much advice as possible.

Wish you well with your pregnancy and hope that it isn't as hard as you fear.

[Podrick]

Most kids behave worse when tired or hungry. Does your dd sleep and eat well? Does she perhaps really need more "down time" than she is getting after 2 days of nursery, rather than activities with other people? Being at home with mummy for the day, playing together and perhaps a trip to the park, just you and her, might be better than meet ups with friends.

[MrsGravy]

Just a thought. Although I'm not sure why I'm bothering really...

Could it be that your DD is a child who likes routine? So the relatively structured environment of a nursery makes her happy - she knows exactly what's going to happen at any given time. Could you attempt to mimic this at home? Not just with mealtimes and bedtimes but a clear sort of calendar agreed with your DD with pictures on it to represent what is happening at what time i.e. after breakfast and dressing we do crafts, after crafts you play by yourself while mummy cleans, after lunch we go out etc etc

[CybilLiberty]

angelica you have received some really good advice on here ; I can't understand why you sound so offended. You must be in a hypersensitve place if your dd is making you cry and a few bland posts are making you flounce.

[oneopinionatedmother]

hmm..can i just say that kids are sometimes pains in the bum??

my lovely daughter has days where I hunt the cupboards for a pound of tea to give her away with.

as others have said, just smacking alone is not a magic cure though a strong and definite reaction of some kind is in order in response to naughty behaviour. But don't expect instant results - I often remark to DH that we have 16 more years of tellings off before we can consider the job finished.

and hell, cheer up, it's not long until she'll be at school. (with you, no doubt, bawling your eyes out at the school gates..)

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[mrshibbins]

Hi angelica

it's very hard to stomach when you come on a forum with a problem and hear that in the opinion of others you aren't handling it very well.

it's happened to me! and it can be upsetting when you are feeling het up.

BUT it's good - it makes you take a step back and objectively look at how you are parenting and really think about trying a different approach

if this forum was all about stroking each other and saying there-there i wouldn't come on here.

i come here for forthright and constructive advice, which the majority of posters offer, some more bluntly than others, but generally with good and helpful intentions....

DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART, take from it what you need, what you think will be useful, and disregard the rest

good luck

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[AvrilH]

You are not responding in a reasonable manner - I second that you need to see your GP.

As the daughter of a depressed mother, I can't help but feel concerned that you can't give examples of your dd's naghty behavior.

[AvrilH]

Also, it would be a shame to delete this thread, when so many have taken the time to respond to you and offer advice

[lisad123wantsherquoteinDM]

this is mild compared to some threads here tbh, and people have taken time, engry and thought in trying to help.