does teacher not like my child????

[glitterandsparkle]

please help cos i need some advice! DD 4.5 started reception this year, only been there 4 weeks and teacher has already had her in front of the headmaster twice. once for pulling hair (every day for a week) then again for not listening in class. i think this is extreme!!! Her behaviour then improved massively and we though it was over and done with but then DD had a few days off because she was poorly. Now she has gone back and for last 3 days has been scribbling on the tables in class, today she put glue in her hair and then tried to cut it.

i had chat with teacher last week and apologised for DD behaviour but said that i felt she just needed time to settle in. Teacher was lovely to my face but a part of me feels like she has got it in for my DD and wont give her a chance.

My DD is a very bright and energetic child and i wonder that she is not being managed properly. i am not excusing any of what she has done but i feel that its all pretty minor, if she was smashing up the class or beating up the kids then i could excuse the teachers stern look all the time but i feel like she is expecting 100% perfect behaviour from 4 yr olds and she is just not going to get it!!

[MrsMattie]

I think it shows a lack of creative thinking on behalf of the teacher. Is she new / young?

A 4 yr old who is misbehaving and acting up doesn't usually respond to that sort of thing anyway. And the teacher needs to be the one to gain your child's trust and respect.

So, I agree with you.

[hecAteTheirBrains]

Your child has done things that are naughty, until you accept that and agree to work with her and the school and support the school and teach her the rules of social behaviour, she is at a disadvantage.

It is not an attack by anyone - the school or us - on your child. I know how the hackles go up when you feel someone is having a go at your baby but take a step back.

If another child was pulling your daughters hair etc - would you not want that child to be stopped asap? Would you not consider that to be naughty behaviour? (be honest!!!!!! )

She sounds like a perfectly normal child! Kids do stuff like this, that doesn't even MATTER! What matters is how you deal with it. What you do. What kind of parent you will be in response to it.

[cory]

Glitter, having your hair pulled hurts a lot more than being sworn at. I had it done to me when I was little and I was really upset.

And the schol does have to stop scribbling on tables/messing with glue because it would get horrendously expensive if the children were not taught to look after the classroom.

You seem to be stuck in a mindset that sees everything your dd does as minor, but judges other children according to a different scale.

Tbh it may well be teething problems and she will soon settle down. There is no reason to believe that your dd is other than a normal 4yo who is feeling a bit overwhelmed atm. But if you carry on excusing everything she does (even silently, to yourself), then chances are that she will pick up on that and start thinking that the same rules don't apply to her as to others.

How would you feel if your dd came home crying and told you that a nasty boy was pulling her hair every day and wouldn't stop even though the teacher told him? I bet you'd be protective of your dd. Well, it's the teacher's job to be protective of the whole class. And it is your job as a parent to make your dd see other children as equally important.

[glitterandsparkle]

thats my point, its normal behaviour for a child of her age and it goes without saying tyhat if someone was pulling her hair yes i would be put out but i would accept that lots of children do it. Dont want to work against the school because that would solve nothing but equally i dont want teacher to always have it in the back of her mind that DD is 'the naughty child' because she is actually a very bright confident little girl who needs a lot of stimulation.

[duckyfuzz]

no, its not normal behaviour for anyone of any age

[cory]

Hecate again puts it so much better than I can do. It's not about whether your dd is a a naughty or nasty person (she's not). It's about how you respond to naughty behaviour.

[glitterandsparkle]

you misunderstand me CORY i do not see everithying she does as minor, i will hold my hands up and tell anybody she is not an angel and i do deal with her behaviour, hence having a time out in tesco at the wkend. i guess because she is so full of energy, she really is like the ever ready bunny that school would calm her down and she would learn to tow the line but in actual fact her behaviour has got worse at school and i suppose i am struggling to understand why???

[glitterandsparkle]

seems like some people have little angels eh? who are never NAUGHTY

[hecAteTheirBrains]

I disagree, ducky, I think it is totally 'age-appropriate' behaviour and therefore 'normal' (ie expected at that age) not every child will do it, but toddlers and young children do stuff like this, it is 'normal'. They 'normally' fail to see beyond their own feelings, needs, impulses when they are young. What it isn't, is acceptable and that is where behaviour modification comes in That's why it is TOTALLY right that the child is sent to the head and made to understand that they must not behave in certain ways.

[duckyfuzz]

fair point hecate

[cory]

ah, come off it, duckyfuzz! I'd say it's perfectly normal behaviour for a 2yo (but still needs to be stopped). Not abnormal behviour for a 4yo (but definitely needs to be stopped).

Glitter, there is no evidence that the teacher sees your dd as the one who is always naughty- the evidence seems to suggest that she is actually only being punished when she is being naughty and is either hurting other children or damaging property.

And it is just possible that there is another little child in the class who is not prepared to accept that lots of children pull hair but is actually expecting the teacher to stop it. If it happens every day for a week, it is not inconceivable that the other children are getting frightened and upset.

Ds was with a lively and boisterous boy who pushed him over every playtime in reception. His Mum said like you that he was a lovely bright little boy (as no doubt he was; I had no grudge against him). But I had to deal with a little boy who was getting too frightened to go to school because to him it was a place where he got hurt. In the end, the teacher did intervene and they ended up really good friends. But that was because intervention happened. Otherwise ds would have just have stayed frightened and unhappy.

[hecAteTheirBrains]

hahahahaha god no, mine can be BUGGERS!

I sort THAT out PDQ, I can tell you! Squash it! You have to. It took me years but I have them fairly well trained

[duckyfuzz]

cory its not something I've come across yet, with my DTs or in class of 30

[stealthsquiggle]

Isn't what the teacher is doing all about helping her "calm down and learn to toe the line" as you put it? The teacher is drawing the line in no uncertain terms as to what is and isn't acceptable. Seems to me that she has quickly understood your Duracell bunny of a DD and worked out that by coming down on her relatively hard to start with she can save them both (and especially DD) long drawn out heartache.

How has DD reacted to the punishments? Does she take it seriously?

[duckyfuzz]

The fact is, when her behaviour was dealt with it improved, proving that it does need dealing with - she may well be struggling to settle, but this will only get worse and go on longer if her behaviour is not dealt with asap

[cory]

Well as I said, ds did come across it, I don't think there was anything major wrong with the boy, he has since become a lovely friend to ds with no behavioural problems. But he did need pulling over it, or he would eventually have ended up in big trouble.

[duckyfuzz]

quite cory

(still don't really think its 'normal' though )

[glitterandsparkle]

OK perhaps i am being overly protective a little, of course i want everyone to love DD like i do and its hard as a mum when someone tells you otherwise. Let me stress again I DO NOT EXCUSE HER BEHAVIOUR and i have spent lots of time trying to make her see it from the other childs point of view even going so far as to say that no one will want to be her friend. The hair pulling was over the course of a week and then stopped it hasnt been for the last month. thank you to those of you who have KINDLY made me see it from the teachers point of view as well, i will definitely bear it in mind, thanks xx

[cory]

glitterandsparkle on Mon 13-Oct-08 20:59:44
"i guess because she is so full of energy, she really is like the ever ready bunny that school would calm her down and she would learn to tow the line but in actual fact her behaviour has got worse at school and i suppose i am struggling to understand why??? "

You need to get rid of any idea that might be lurking at the back of your mind that if your dd suddenly starts playing up it must be due to something that the school is doing wrong.

It is normal for children's behaviour to deteriorate for a while when they are coping with big changes in their lives. Does not mean that anyone is doing anything wrong. Big changes is something that everybody has to go through in life and eventually one learns to react in a socially appropriate manner.

glitterandsparkle on Mon 13-Oct-08 21:01:16
"seems like some people have little angels eh? who are never NAUGHTY"

Certainly not, Glitter. But we wouldn't get upset if they did misbehave and got told off. In fact, I would want that. I would hate the thought that mine could get away with hurting somebody because I wasn't there and there was no responsible adult around.

It is an important way of caring for a child; keeping them safe by stopping them from misbehaving. And tbh a visit to the headmistress does not seem such a very dreadful punishment to me. She's not going to have a cane, you know? Probably just give her a gentle talk.

[hecAteTheirBrains]

ducky - I liked how you said "fair point" when you meant "shurrup, you arse, I disagree 100%" you are very, very polite and gracious!

[glitterandsparkle]

STEALTH she does understand why she is being punished and hates to have the nice things taken away from her, which we do at home sometimes ie comic, story etc. She never lies and is always honest about what she has done but once it has been deal with she will soon move on.

[cory]

sorry, missed your last post .

It does get easier eventually, when they start growing more independent and you realise that not only can you not protect them from everything in their day, but they don't even want you to, as they're growing up.

There are compensations in seeing their enjoyment of their new independent life.

Just don't get hung up on the thought that the teacher will dislike your dd. Most teachers are far more professional than that, and may even enjoy a child that challenges them and perhaps is a little out of the ordinary.

[glitterandsparkle]

my issue was more to do with her going to the headmaster, not being told off. of course i expect her to be told off, i would do it myself but maybe my perceptions of going to the headmaster seemed a bit like them trying to scare her which i dont agree with. it is school after all not boot camp.

[tigermoth]

Well, I think it would be good to know how routine it is for children to see the head teacher. And you will know that with time.

FWIW, my oldest son (who is now 14) was an incredibly lively little boy in the early years of primary school, really unfocussed on work, lots to say for himself, friendly and without malice, but so easily distracted and so he posed a problem to the teacher when other chidren needed teaching. He had to see the the head teacher a lot. I can't remember exactly, but definitely every few weeks, sometimes more than that. Yet he had a really good relationship with lots of the teachers, and appeared to be really well liked by them on the whole. And he did well at school in the end and settled down.

I think your dd's teacher is using deliberate tactics to show your dd who is boss. She is being extra strict with punishments for now, hoping she can let up a little later once your dd accepts that she must comply with the school rules.

I know and you know your dd has done wrong - I can see you are not in denial about this and think some of the comments made to you have been a bit harsh.

I bet your dd is far from the only child in the school who has seen the head this term. Unless your dd is traumatised by it, I would stand back.

[glitterandsparkle]

thank you CORY you have hit the nail on the head. i have always had some choice in where she goes and who looks after her before and now i dont and thats REALLY hard for me xx