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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I finally plucked up the courage to ask a girl dd likes from school on a picnic with dd and I and it was such a disaster!

98 replies

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 10:44

My dd's very shy (I've posted about it on here lots) and doesn't make friends easily. We do have some really good close friends outside of school who she gets along really well with but at school she tends to drift around on her own.

Like daughter like mother I'm also shy. But I promised myself that this summer we'd make a huge effort to be more sociable so I got the phone number off the mum of a girl dd has mentioned liking at the start of the holidays, texted her last week and we went for a picnic yesterday.

And it was dreadful. It was a nightmare. I don't know what went wrong to make it so bad. It was a gorgeous day, we had a great spot in our local woodlands area. Dd was initially a bit standoffish (which is normal for her) and either that or something I can't work out set the other girl off and she became really unpleasant. She kept whispering 'I hate you' in dd's ear then ended up kicking her mum and her baby brother and saying she hated them. Then she tantrummed and sulked and nothing would turn her round. My dd went incredibly quiet, sat on my knee and would only say 'xx isn't being nice today'. In the end I suggested to the mum that we call it a bad day and try again another time. She was clearly mortified and kept repeating that this was really unusual for her dd.

After we parted dd burst into tears and is now terrified that the other girl will be mean to her at school / will 'hate me forever'.

I'm going over and over it trying to think why it went so spectacularly wrong (it really was spectacularly awful, only about 20 minutes at the start was the other girl speaking to anybody, then 1.5 hours of misery) and if somehow dd makes other kids feel uncomfortable or I do.

The first thing dd said when she woke up this morning was 'remember xx?' then burst into tears.

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WanderingTrolley · 10/08/2007 11:43

Do you think she might look like someone who is mortified by her dd's behaviour and struggling with a baby?

Appearances can be deceptive.

Text Bambi's mum.

'As one mum of a shy girl to another, what do you say to meeting up at [playground/park etc] for an hour to warm them up before school starts? My dd would love to see yours, she's talked about her over the summer.'

ahundredtimes · 10/08/2007 11:45

No, no IF, she's ashamed. She's appalled. She wonders what you must think of her. She doesn't know if she can go through with it again. I mean, she thinks, what if she does it AGAIN? IF will tell everyone what a horror she is, because she is, and despite my nice clothes and apparantly highly controlled demeanour I cry late at night because my dd isn't NICE to people at the moment, and sob sob, how can i cope with two children, when, sob sob.

You see how it is? That's why she isn't responding.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 11:52

Well maybe, aht, but she and her dd are very sociable and go on stacks of play dates. so she may be thinking:

'what did that evil child do to my poor darling? she's always the most popular child in the group. I will have to speak to all the other mothers and warn them to avoid that pair!'

I don't have Bambi's mum's phone number.

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onlyWotz · 10/08/2007 11:53

IF - I told dd1 that girl would have to come as we had asked her..girl came and they played..not well.. OK'ish I can remember...didn't repeat it again with that child. DD1 still does not like play dates/sleepover (now 10) and prefers to be with her sister or friends outside of school.

Both dds spent all yesteray with 2 friends who go to a different school. Friendships sometimes pop up and are lasting or short lived, same for all of us!

Marina · 10/08/2007 11:54

IF, are you still living where you used to? I'll show you my grouchy 4 year old if you show me yours, seriously

WanderingTrolley · 10/08/2007 11:54

Try directories or 192.com or bt.com.

Try phoning school to see if they'll give it to you or pass on a message.

Do you have her address? Even just the street? Your dd could send her a card, you could pop a note in.

onlyWotz · 10/08/2007 11:55

please don't worry anymore, get dd and do something nice today as a treat, however small.

Marina · 10/08/2007 11:56

Wotz is right you know
Stop checking your phone, hop off the PC and go and do something together that you both love

Mercy · 10/08/2007 11:58

IF, it's highly unlikely the other mum will be thinking that.

onlyWotz · 10/08/2007 12:01

I am sure if you did a questionaire at the end of the summer hols only a small handful of the class wil have organised to see each other.
We )as parents) worry that our child needs to be in the 'group', but most of the time they want to be with their family, eat icecream, watch DVD's and be pushed on a swing and need a break from their classmates!

mears · 10/08/2007 12:02

Try not toworry overly about this - 5 is still very young. MyDS3 is very shy and it took him a while to make friends and even yet he only has 2 (he is 16) but he is happy.

It may well be that this other girl did not want to go on a picnic but her mum 'made' her.

The approach I would take is to wait till she is back at school and see who she asks can come over to play with her, rather than you selecting someone you think she will get on with.

Little girls meet up in the playground and make plans for going to each others houses for tea etc.

Stick with your close friends throughout the holidays - she will make her own way at school - just might take her longer.

mears · 10/08/2007 12:03

BTW - my DD is 13 years old and hasn't made arrangements to see anyone from school over the holidays - she has spent time with her cousins.

foxinsocks · 10/08/2007 12:04

aww if, what a mare!

she's still very young - I can remember being terribly concerned about dd at that age. Now she's nearly 7 (tomorrow!) and has quite a nice little group of friends. She is still INCREDIBLY socially awkward - she comes across as being very contrary and sulky (and I think probably appears rude to most adults - we are working on this ).

I think Bambi sounds like a good idea.

Is she about to go into reception (dd) or yr1? yr1's quite a good year for friend making I think - reception is more about settling in. IN yr1, they tend to find things they like doing and you can perhaps look at some other activities (like ballet, gym) that she could do with other children.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 12:09

Marina - you're on! I do still live in SE London.

Hi fox! she's due to go into Reception but almost all the class are her current class mates from the school nursery. They've been full time there for the last term.

I don't even know Bambi's mum's second name so can't do directory enquirires and I only know roughly the area where they live, not the address. i wish I'd got her phone number before finishing for summer.

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Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 12:11

fox, as always, your dd sounds very like mine except she's a big hit with other adults. She loves them and they respond well to her. She thinks she's a 'grown up' you see. She once told me she was a 'dwarf' because 'I'm just like a grown up only small.'

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 10/08/2007 12:13

lol. Nothing to do with shyness, but dwarf made me remember ds2 watching the football with dh, and he said as all the teams were coming out 'If I was England football captain, everyone would think I was a dwarf.'

This made me laugh. Ahem, as you were ladies.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 12:13

mears I think mothers of only children probably stress more about 'play dates' than mothers of children with siblings. I remember spending the whole summer playing with my brother, I don't think I met up with friends other than out of school friends for the whole summer holidays. But if I don't arrange an odd thing for dd then she wouldn't see another child for 6 weeks.

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Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 12:14

aht.

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hatwoman · 10/08/2007 12:15

IF - my dd is less confident than in a sense I'd like but a friend said something to me that made me re-assess how I viewed the whole thing. dd's teacher has made quite a big thing about dd being quiet and how I needed to encourage her to talk more in class etc. my friend had had similar comments made about her dd. and she (my friend) said (I paraphrase) "it really makes me cross. dd is just quiet. it's not a crime. I don't see why I should make her feel like she should be something she's not". Now I know this isn;t quite the same, and I know you say your dd wants more friends, but can you - and her - turn round your thinking a bit - rather than focusing on what she hasn't got/what she wants - which might be seen from her pov as a source of pressure, and might generate feelings of "failure", build on what she has got. I guess what I'm saying is reassure her that it's ok/great to have one or two close friends - she's still little and plenty of kids at her age have yet to find their feet in this way. please please don;t worry about this picnic fiasco being your fault - it was, as everyone else has said, totally normal. just part of life's rich tapestry etc etc and you must impart that to dd.

legalalien · 10/08/2007 12:20

IF - I think you're probably right. DS is now 2.8 (but I know now he'll be an only) and has a nanny, rather than nursery, and I'm starting to feel a sense of dread/ responsibility for sorting out his social life (dread because I was an only child myself and I actually HATED enforced playdates - was much better with adults and older children). Partly, I think, paranoia about superimposing my (socially awkward) personality on DS....

... I'm in SE London as well, but can only offer a nicely spoken toddler (although he would doubtless like to meet some "older women"). Some friends of ours are likely to be moving nearby in Sept though (from Oz), with DD about the same age as your DD - would you be prepared to be part of the welcome committee?

Marina · 10/08/2007 12:21

I've CATed you IF

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 10/08/2007 12:21

hatwoman I know. I'm very conscious of not putting pressure onto dd because I know so well what shyness feels like. I went for this date because dd was so keen and she and the girl seemed to be mutually interested in each other.

The teachers have never described dd as 'too quiet'. They tell me she's very reserved but that that isn't a problem so far.

OP posts:

ahundredtimes · 10/08/2007 12:22

I think hat's onto something here IF.

I think it might just go you and your dd.

ahundredtimes · 10/08/2007 12:22

Sorry, x posted.

legalalien · 10/08/2007 12:23

oh, and on the "dwarf adult" front,DS is still continuing his seven-week countdown to adulthood. According to him, there are now only four weeks until he becomes "a man like daddy", which is why he started eating broccoli yesterday (having refused all vegetables for the last year). Am not quite sure what's going to happen when adult-day comes - he'll probably ask for a disposable razor. Or a full size car.

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