11 year old DD having violent and aggressive outbursts

[QueenExhausted]

I'm writing this as my lovely daughter is throwing her stuff around her bedroom, screaming "I HATE YOU", calling me an idiot, and banging as loudly as she can. She has banged doors within the house so hard cracks have appeared in the ceiling. I have previously had to restrain her after she threw a chair at me, kicked, punched and screamed in my face.

This behaviour has gone on for as long as I can remember - my mum repeatedly tells me she's just a child and this is normal. I don't think it is.

One episode saw her writing me hate-filled notes that state she wishes I was dead and that she wanted to murder me. She was 6. She had such an epic episode at that point I had to remove everything from her bedroom except a mattress. I lay on the grass in my garden and sobbed whilst she raged inside. When she's like this, no amount of compassion or love or calming down works - she just has to rage through, which is the most upsetting thing of all.

She has typical tendencies for her age - the flouncing, the eye rolling, the cheek, but then they extend further than that and small triggers see her flying off the handle. This morning was because the Xbox had turned off (everything in the house turned off temporarily). She was allowed on the Xbox as a reward for good behaviour....

She is from a happy and stable family. She has a social life and friends and to an outsider, she appears to be well adjusted and kind and caring and sweet. I mean, she is. It's just she has this other side where anything I say or ask or tell her to do results in breakdowns like this.

I have tried everything. Love bombing, time outs, rewards, I even tried smacking only that made me feel like I'd lost control. She faces consequences for bad behaviour and rewards for good behaviour. I love her but I do not like her at times and that seems like a huge parenting failure. I know that her behaviour is a reflection of me - I just don't know how to stop it.

Just to add, I have repeatedly sought help - from her teachers, the school, her childminder who was a social worker, different GPs, online research - and had varying results. The school said they were surprised and would never have attributed such behaviour to her, the childminder gave me advice but told me to go through GP, different GPs have said it's normal or that I have to go through the school, the school are so overwhelmed with everything else, nothing's happened there. My mum is in denial and refuses to believe any of her outbursts are that bad - our neighbours must HATE us - 3am sessions of screaming and shouting and banging and crashing are wearing pretty thin.

What more can I do? Please, someone, anyone, is this just hormones or can I do something to help her?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Your DP left and now she isn't having meltdowns?

You might want to talk to her sometime soon about her relationship to DP. That sounds ... odd. And like it's possible he was somehow contributing.

[Don35]

Hi.. I know this is a rather old post, but I was wondering the outcome as I am in exactly the same situation.

My ex husband and I split up years ago and my 11 year old daughter seems him on weekends. He doesn't see an issue with her, it's all directed at me. I've recieved abuse from him and his family, who think I'm making it all up. So I videoed her and told them I'd play it to them and they didn't want to know. They said I was a bad mother for tapping her. I feel like I am on my own. She is so violent with me and doesn't show it to anyone else. She is a model student getting brilliant results in tests and completely different at home. If she is naughty I ban her from things and that's when the outbursts start. She lies a lot and has lied to teachers, who because she is so nice at school have believed her. I've fallen out with family members because of it. I just don't know what to do or where to turn. If I take something off her for being naughty. Such as leaving used food items around her room, when she goes to her dad's he had months me and says I shouldn't have banned her. I feel like I'm loosing the plot.

[QueenExhausted]

Hi @Don35 sorry to hear you're going through this, I really sympathise.

Things are still the same - or they're consistently bad.

DD slapped me a few weeks ago, she regularly attacks me and is currently living in a bedroom that resembles a bin after she trashed it and ripped everything up.

I contacted the GP and the school's SENCO, who have been helpful. Family members don't get it - they don't see it and they think it's down to bad parenting - it's not.

I'd advise contacting your GP and your daughter's school and asking if there's anything they can do.

Unfortunately, no behaviour strategies seem to work except not engaging and no demands placed upon her, which feels very unnatural and makes me really unhappy as she basically gets away with everything to avoid a meltdown.

I struggle massively in my relationship with her because she has no empathy and is so violent, but she's my daughter and I have to endure that we get answers.

Good luck. Feel free to message me.

[Goldmandra]

I've just seen this thread for the first time.

It's clear that your DD needs a neurodevelopmental assessment. They do not need to be mentally ill for this. Get your GP to find out who carries out this assessment in your area and request a referral.

In the meantime, I found that DD2 (ASD, PDA & anxiety) reacted very well to this book. Much fewer rooms have been trashed since.

Ignore the criticism of your parenting. She is able to lose it with you precisely because she feels secure in her relationship with you. She knows your love is unconditional and she can allow herself to express her emotions openly around you.

How is she getting on at her new school? It is really common for girls on the autism spectrum to be model pupils in school but find it overwhelming and stressful so lose the plot as soon as they get home.