Concerns about dd, behaviour, nursery, friends etc Very Long

[julienetmum]

Dd is 4 and a half and has attended a private nursery since she was 3. She is due to move into the reception class in September.

For about 12 months now she has been saying that no-one will play with her at nursery. My Dad observed at a birthday party a small group of girls who would not take any notice of her. At this time dd had become attached to one of the girls.

Things improved when a friend who she knew from another activity started to go to her nursery. they are HUGE friends but if ever she is not there she says the other children don't like her and yesterday she said that this friend is now friends with the others rather than her.

The nursery staff say they do tend to have little groups but that they try and ensure everyone plays together and she seems happy.

We have been having a few behaviour issues athome and to be honest she can be a bit rough, well exuberant really but some children can't cope with that. She has become very defiant and will sometimes deliberately do the opposite of what you ask. On a few occasions ds (aged 2) has got in the way and been hurt.

She is forever singin and dancing, even when it is innapprioriate in confined spaces or when with a group of other children and her arms and legs are flailing about everywhere. She has also been naughty at Stagecoach a few times, mostly down to over enthusiasm but I think some of it is teacher's daughter syndrome.

I now think that she is desperate to gain popularity at nursery. One girl keeps asking me every day when I drop her dd if she can come to dd's party (her birthday isn't even until October)and yesterday she had a group of about 10 children all saying can I come too can I come too. it turned out she had taken a leaflet of the Hi-5 show we went to see at Easter and was telling everyone that she would take them all to see it (the tour has ended).

She genuinely thought she could take all these nursery children to see the show. It is like she was trying to win their popularity.

My main wish for her at nursery and school is to be happy. I keep wondering if I am doing the right thing sending her there, perhaps we are trying to be something we are not. I don't have much time to decide. I have already paid a non refundable deposit for her to start in reception class and we love the school, its ethos, the extra curricular activities on offer and the teaching staff.

However I don't want her to be the loner the one with no friends. She has her special friend and another girl has just started nursery part-time who we used to know and she used to know dd's other firned too so they have palled up, but there is no guarantee she will be in the same class as them (it is a 2 form entry).

I asked her if she wanted to go to that school or another one and she said she wanted to go there and for the children to be friends with her but I am wonderig whether some of her behaviour problems are attention seeking becasue of this. She has no problem making friends everywhere else.

[AdelaideS]

Oh julienetmum, I do feel for you, it's horrible isn't it? All I can say (in my limited experience) is that it takes some children a lot longer than others to learn the whole "making friends" thing. ds is 6 and comes home with stories that make me cry, whilst dd(5) is fine. I think maybe ds is a bit controlling at times (dp would say he gets it from me!)which puts other kids off, but I'm trying to relax and encourage him and trust that he will get there in time.

[julienetmum]

Yes, its hard when others don;t see our little ones the same way as we do.

On theplus side all her teachers love her!

[ChicPea]

The other children might take exception to your dd being popular with the teachers.

[madchad]

I could cry for her.

I discovered recently that my lovely happy sociable DD2 (almost 2) was known at nursery as a child who plays on her own.
When asked , she and her older sister would always name the Nursery Nurses as their friends, instead of peers.

What about inviting the other girls around in small groups to see if thay can develop friendships?
Also, has the school any scope to keep her with friends when she moves up?

[WideWebWitch]

Can you invite a couple of children at different times to tea? And maybe watch them a bit, see what you think? I don't think the Hi5 thing sounds too worrying, just usual 4yo exaggeration and I wouldn't change schools over this, it doesn't sound bad, just like she maybe needs some help from you to expand her friendships a bit.

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

ds2's behaviour has gone to pot recently - and I'm sure its because he's ready for school. I think defiance goes with the age (it does in this house, and my friend has just been throuhg it).

When ds2's best friend left nursery to start school last Sept it took him ages to hook up with someone else. Now he has and if that boy is away he says that he played alone. (although having seen him I don't think that's true). Girls do tend to swap best friends every 5 minutes at this age.