Sudden negative behavior since playschool... tricky situation!

[SheMightBeReading]

I am a regular, but have changed my name for this as I don't want to upset anyone in real life who might be reading this.

I have been having a dreadful time with my nearly 3 year old ds. He started playschool after Christmas, I got him in early because he has a speech delay. It really has helped with his speech, but he has started saying such upsetting, negative things that it is breaking my heart.

This morning I have heard

"Just can't do it, Mummy"

"It's my fault, Mummy"

"It's too heavy" (he means difficult - he applies 'heavy' universally)

"Need kiss and cuddle - it hurts!" (every 2.5 minutes today! he really isn't hurt, he is making up body parts to be kissed better, but I suspect he just means he is sad)

The "It's my fault" one I haven't heard before today, and after he had calmed down a bit, I asked him about it, and in a roundabout way he told me that X, the son of one of my friends, says it about himself. At least that's what I can gather from his speech, as his comprehension is way above his ability to articulate and he gets very upset about it.

Now, the friend whose son it is, is having problems at the minute with anxiety, and also with her bond with her son, but I won't judge her on it, I know she is trying her damnedest to be a good mother. BUT.

She can be quite negative herself. And what I suspect is happening is that she is being negative, her son is learning to behave like this, and my son is picking up on his behavior. TBH I find her little boy very bossy and overcritical when he comes on playdates, and it makes me wonder exactly what is going on at the playschool, which they both attend.

I honestly don't know what to do, my son loves his playschool, but can I send him there with the expectation that they keep him away from this child? I doubt it, but at the minute I feel like pulling him out of the playschool (you can tell he is my first) because of this negative attitude he seems to be learning. None of these phrases are ever used in this house, BTW.

anyone got any (tactful) ideas?

[Gloworm]

DS came home from preschool everyday and said X hit him, after a few days of this we asked his teacher. She said X did hit other children but they never seen him hit my ds. Anyway she observed my ds all morning without him knowing, she said definately no hitting, but DS still came home saying X hit him Eventually it turns out that he has seen X hit others and this is what he was talking about.
A few days later X was his best friend!


I guess I'm saying that they will have a million and one little things to deal with and learn and its all part of growing up.
Hoefully this is just a phase your is going through.

DS has developed a funny accent at the moment, picked up from a girl in his class, I figure it will disappear as quickly as it appeared though

[wannaBe1974]

I think that sending our kids out into the world on their own is one of the hardest things we have to do. I remember someone saying to me once "your DS is lovely now, just wait till he starts preschool and falls under the influence of others". how true is that. My DS is currently at the stage where he is at preschool and pushing the boundaries at home, refusing to do things etc that he would never have done before he started there, but I know that he's just learning to be more assertive and independent. Tbh one of my greatest fears is that he will come home one day with the knowledge of the f word, as much as I dread it happening realistically there is nothing I can do to stop it.

All you can do really is to reinforce your DS's good points, keep up the praise for good/clever behavior, and try to ignore the negativity. As hard as it might seem, children do actually learn very quickly that if a particular behavior gets a response, they can keep doing it to keep getting the sympathetic response from mummy.

good luck

[SheMightBeReading]

Thanks for all your advice. He came out of playschool in a better mood than he went in, but then he says he hasn't played with X today.

I did ask them if he spends all his time playing with "just one child" but his keyworker, whom he adores, assured me he rambles all over the place playing with everything.

[Sparklemagic]

poor you, sounds a delicate situation! I guess what first springs to mind is that he could move preschools, but when you think about it, he could meet with other children who say and do the same things or worse! It is very difficult to see them pick up things you don't like but unfortunately it's part of having a child rather than a baby. You can't control what happens in preschool like you can at home. I just don't think moving would necessarily help as you can't know what children he would be with.

Perhaps you could ask the staff to be aware that you would like your DS to have a variety of activities in the session, so if they see him just sticking with the other boy, could they try and change his activity so he mixes more?

You do have control over whether he sees these people in your house though so maybe knock the playdates on the head for a while? Could you see the woman during the evening to keep in touch?

I think it might reassure you though to remember that parents and home are the major forming influences on young children. It's the input they recieve at home that is really important for their self confidence and sense of self worth and I'm sure such an interested and concerned mum is doing just fine with this - try not to worry.

[SheMightBeReading]

Budababe, it's all he says clearly at the moment. And it seems to be all he has said this morning.

I am being over protective, aren't I.

[BudaBabe]

Not too sure about why you are so concerned as these are phrases that my DS would use. (He's 4.5).

TBH I would just try to bolster his confidence (as no doubt you already do).

But once they are out in the big bad world i.e playschool/school etc. these things will be said.

[SheMightBeReading]

bump.

Got to take him soon!