To put my judgypants on over this and ping the elastic

[BalloonSlayer]

Collecting the DCs from school today.

School had only just kicked out, I was going in as a mother and her DC were coming out.

The DC was crying his heart out, really sobbing. The mother was totally ignoring him, and had earphones on with music so loud that you could clearly hear the song playing.

She might have had a hard day, and the DC might be a whingy child. But they had not been together for 6 hours and had been reunited for approx 3 minutes. So it hardly struck me as a "You've been crying for twenty minutes and nothing I have said has helped so I'll put my earphones on" situation.

I mean, wouldn't you want to know when/if your child had stopped crying? Or calm them down? Or - God forbid - sympathise or talk to them? Re the latter, it might well have been a "can we got to the park" "No" "Waaaa!" thing.

I felt really

I try so hard not to wear judgypants and have really failed this time.

[BalloonSlayer]

Pfft - sorry but the Juniors (my kids) come out 5 mins later.

Although I am often late for my DCs other days but just not this one [miracle emoticon]

[EdgarAleNPie]

it takes nothing to make a child yell, does it?

as a good way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it, YABU.

[HerBeatitude]

I don't disagree that a tantrum is generally a frustrated response, but the idea that frustration doesn't occur when reason/ distraction etc. has already been tried, is just bizarre. Sometimes, a kid will have a tantrum because they are tired or just because. I hate this modern notion that bad behaviour in kids is always a result of parenting failure. Sometimes, they just behave badly and it doesn't mean their parents are monsters.

I tend to agree re the headphones thing though. It's plain bad manners to wear headphones in company and presumably your DC's are company.

[JackBauer]

I keep typing and deleting but agree the headphones is a bit , but then I put a headphone on (in one ear..)in the park while watching DD's in the playground...is that bad?

Screaming tanrumming children does NOT = bad parent though.

FFS.

[onepieceoflollipop]

This is a tricky one. Do none of you have variable days when it comes to picking up your dcs.

I can go for weeks with dd1 (almost 6) being very happy when leaving school. Other days she greets me with a list of demands (sweets, going to x's house etc etc)

Due to her being hungry/thirsty/tired even a sensitive approach from me can result in screaming, shouting calling me "poohead" and shrieking at me to "shurrup"

To be brutally honest, some days I cringe and want to snap at the mums looking at me smugly as they chat calmly to thier little angels. Other days the boot is on the other foot and I see their little brats angels losing it over a gingerbread man.

Be honest, most of us judge. Most of us have crap pick ups on occasion.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

If I was this woman I would be thinking "look at that woman, getting to school late, I'm on my way out and she's only just getting here - her poor child, waiting for her, I would NEVER be late. Now, let's go on mumsnet and post about how virtuous I am and how terrible she is. Do shut up Johnny."

[BrokenBananaTantrum]

I love your judgy pants. They look fab on you. I want some. Where can I get some from - they would need to be cheap. Do they also double up as flab-holder-inners?

[RainRainGoAway]

There is something a little odd about shutting out a tantrum with blaring music. It puts the parent in a bubble, which is I guess one way of dealing with it. But is it actually dealing with the problem.

Imagine if you were upset and DH popped his ipod in, how pissed off would you be about not being heard, even if your strop was pretty unreasonable? And for that reason, gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case for the prosecution.

[Shineynewthings]

Sorry, i know it's a snapshot, but i think it's really just sour that she continued listening to her music and ignoring him. Whether the child leaves school smiling or miserable they've been there all day and they should be engaged with. My judgypants are on and pulled up high!

[CarmenSanDiego]

Completely agree with you on the whining, HB and I do the same thing.

But screaming or tantruming is just unnecessary. Generally, tantruming doesn't erupt out of nowhere, it's usually a frustrated response.

My point is that you stop the child feeling frustrated in the first place. You listen to their initial problem and resolve it with them.

Tantruming happens when you just say 'No! End of.' or ignore the child. Both of which set up for repeat performances and long-term problems.

Now I don't have any experience of ASD, but with ADHD, this process is even more important ime. ADHD children seem more liable to get frustrated quickly and there is just no need. It's not spoiling them to respond to their needs or give them 'attention' - it's just showing them a little respect and teaching them how to have a more mature interaction.

[HerBeatitude]

Yes really.

There's a difference between a child saying something and a child screaming something while tantruming.

Or indeed whining something. DS knows that if he whines, he won't be listened to. He has to use a normal voice. Requiring a child to talk in a normal voice if s/he wants to be listened to by a fraught parent, is perfectly reasonable.

[CarmenSanDiego]

The whole thing sounds like a power game for child AND parent.

'Rewarding' a child by paying attention to what he or she is saying?

Really?

[mummygirl]

Maybe the music was so loud so that he would think he was being ignored, hence she was holding his hand -showing affection while beign aware of his whereabouts.

Simply crying/looking upset can easily become a power game for a child

[BalloonSlayer]

He wasn't tantrumming, he was upset-crying. And she was holding his hand. Which was nice. And she wasn't dragging him.

I understand people saying their DCs play up within 3 minutes every day, but do you all bring headphones with you for the specific purpose of putting on for ignoring DC?

As I said, glad IABU as I don't have to worry about him.

Maybe the music was so loud so he could enjoy it too. (I am actually NOT saying that to be sarcastic.)

[Bathsheba]

I feel awful about doing it but some days when I pick my DD1 up from School (she is 5 and in p1) I've already told her off before we are out of the playground....

3 days a week I pick her up first then we go striaght to playgroup to pick up Dd2 - invariably on these days DD1 starts whining immediately about having to go to playgroup to pick up DD2 and starts shouting that she does NOT want to go and pick up DD2.

Picking up DD2 is non-negotiable - we have to do it, I can't just LEAVE her there....so as soon as this starts I'm left telling DD1 off for being whiny and ridiculous....and I've seen her for about 2 minutes after being apart for 6.5 hours....

[HerBeatitude]

"I'd stop and take them to a quiet place to deal with it."

You mean you'd reward them with attention?

Ooh, you will be judged.

[colditz]

And how could discussion solve an autismfueled tantrum? Or an ADHD fueled tantrum? Or an "I'm a spoilt child and I want my own way" tantrum?

[CarmenSanDiego]

Well, not really sorted. More ignored.

[mummygirl]

Sticky keyboard

[mummygirl]

A behaviourla problem that can possibly be sorted by ignoring the tantrum?

[CarmenSanDiego]

I wouldn't walk down the street with a child yelling like that, no. I'd stop and take them to a quiet place to deal with it.

Surely a child of school age shouldn't be kicking and tantruming and be unable to be reasoned with every day after school unless there is a behavioural problem?

[colditz]

What if all the child is screaming is "wannawannawannawannawannawannawanna!!!" and you know from experience that this is the same argument you have had at 3.15 every weekday for the past 6 months, and that NONE of your reasoning will work?

[colditz]

So? If a child just comes out of school and kicks me because I didn't bring cake, am I not allowed to bollock him just because I haven't seen him for 6 hours?

I'm still his mother and I do not change my parenting according to how long it has been since I last saw him. That would hardly be consistent, would it? And inconsistent parenting is a major cause of behavioral difficulties in children!

[CarmenSanDiego]

I honestly don't think there's any reason for a child to cry non-stop and be dragged around crying. My dd2 is hard work, but when she wants something, I can usually negotiate something that makes us both happy. i.e. We can't get a biscuit now because I don't have my purse/you've eaten too many biscuits/we're not going to town, but at home there is bread and jam and tomorrow we'll be in town so we can can perhaps get a biscuit then.

Or something. There is a happy medium between giving a child everything they want and refusing to listen to them.

Talking also helps them to work out for themselves whether their requests are reasonable or not and makes future conversations more pleasant.

I hate when people just say 'no' and then ignore their child while they scream, smug that they've shown them who's boss - no wonder the child has a tantrum if they're not even listened to.

[FabIsVeryLucky]

I don't think YABU and as for a snap shot in someones day, the child had just come out of school.