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AIBU?

to resent my smug married friends?

53 replies

chloe2910 · 16/10/2009 17:19

I have one particular group of friends who are very traditional (all from a farming background or married to farmers) Some are married, some are not but they are very much of the opinion that you should get married, then have children.

I am not married, and my DP is older than me and has 2 DS from a previous marriage. I am pregnant with my 1st. One of my friends from this particular group is also pregnant with her 1st, due a week after me. 3 others in the group are married, 1 has 2 DC and 1 has 1 and is pregnant with the 2nd.

AIBU to be annoyed at the smugness of the pregnant ones? I am very excited to be pregnant, and blissfully happy with my DP (which should be enough I hear you cry!) but last week, when we had our fortnightly get together I left feeling quite put out.

First of all they were using their wedding rings and a piece of hair to predict the sex of their babies, but said that it wouldn?t work on me as I didn?t have my own wedding rind and using someone elses or and ordinary ring wouldn?t work. (I know it?s an old wives tail, and utter nonsense, but a bit of fun and it would have been nice to involve my bump too!)

I am also very fit and healthy, and am continuing to ride my horse (although not jump) and attend hockey training with my club (although, alas, am not playing in matches!), and they made me feel like a terrible person for doing so as they have given up riding, and even running, although she used to go every day.

AIBU feeling miffed? I feel excluded from the group because of my slightly unorthodox situation, and I feel like I am being judged for the choices I am making about my pregnancy and my body. When I asked the others what I felt was a perfectly reasonable question (?have you felt a bit concerned about the weight gain and loss of control over the shape of your body??) I was made to feel like I was unfit to be pregnant!

OP posts:

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ninagleams · 16/10/2009 19:35

But Chloe, you're clearly so much cooler than them, what are you getting stressed about?

FlightAttendant · 16/10/2009 19:41

i think you need to find some new friends

pointyhat · 16/10/2009 19:41

when you have a 50% chance of being right, it's not hard to be right. Probability and all that.

pointyhat · 16/10/2009 19:42

And it was just very unnecessary to make chloe feel left out just because she didn't have a wedding ring

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 16/10/2009 19:44

I think you need to carry a ring pull around to the next meeting, insist they check your babys gender with as much gusto as they with their wedding rings, and declare "I say, my ring pull contain AS MUCH magic as your wedding rings, if not more!

pointyhat · 16/10/2009 19:47

but then she would seem as mad as them, quint.

No, she should retain a calm air of sanity.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 16/10/2009 19:50

No, then she is very cleverly pointing out how ridiculous they are, with an air of dignity.

pointyhat · 16/10/2009 19:52

I think all dignity would go when dangling a ring pull in front of a crowd of farmers' wives.

ImSoNotTelling · 16/10/2009 19:53

I think you are being a bit oversensitive - pg hormones can make you feel vulnerable and got at.

I think the ring thing is just silly fun, I doubt they meant anything by it. And choices about running/not running etc people always get defensive about what they are/aren't doing when pg as they're always worried that whatever it is they are doing it's the wrong thing.

I also think that weight is a sensitive topic - even if they are tiny it doesn't mean they don't have ishoos - unless you know them well enough to know for sure otherwise.

On the other hand if you simply don't like them, and don't enjoy their company, then don't see them.

But on the evidence given YABU, sorry.

wicked · 16/10/2009 19:54

Why don't you get married?

BonsoirAnna · 16/10/2009 19:56

Your friends sound very narrow-minded and tactless to boot. Why are do you bother with them?

OrmIrian · 16/10/2009 19:59

" I feel excluded from the group because of my slightly unorthodox situation,"

Oh ffs what is unorthodox about not being married?

Yes yabu. Leave them alone and stop projecting.

pointyhat · 16/10/2009 20:01

yes, orm, I did feel a bit ? at the 'slightly unorthodox' bit.

Tortington · 16/10/2009 20:02

smug people are generally wankers

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 16/10/2009 20:37

Custy do you watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer??

TrillianSlasher · 16/10/2009 22:02

I do. But I'm thinking of Custy's actual mouth as being hellish in some way

lovechoc · 16/10/2009 22:13

I agree with ABetaDad farming folk are odd and some are quite eccentric (well, the ones I know are!). Mean it in the nicest possible way!

YANBU forget their comments about marriage and enjoy your pregnancy. Congrats

lovechoc · 16/10/2009 22:14

I don't think you have to be married to be smug though, agree with others on that point entirely! I know single people who are smug, so it comes from all walks of life.

Tortington · 16/10/2009 23:06

ghis has been my halloween name for years.

yes - big buffy fan - when it was on

now i just think it remains apt

echt · 17/10/2009 10:31

OP - twice you've said "they made me feel". Err no-one can make you feel anything. Take some responsibility.

As for the old wives' tale stuff, if that's what you think it is, then dismiss it. You can't have it both ways.

pjmama · 17/10/2009 10:54

I don't thing you're being judged, but I do think you're being oversensitive.

MaggieBehaveOutGuising · 17/10/2009 11:22

I got a bit of this when I was pregnant (and not married). I eventually figured out that it was people who were sad enough to take a tally of what they had over you... (dykwim?)

People who are confident and happy don't try to put you back in your place (the rung below them).

It was always the ones with the smallest rings and the meanest most boring husbands who went around thinking "oh well, at least he married me unlike your partner"

I am a single parent now! so even less conventional than being a 2 parent but unmarried family. I probably get a few put downs now but I don't notice them because I'm so relieved to be single now. That's how I FEEL. relieved. and not envious. And so nobody can make me feel anything but relieved and free about my single parent status.

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BertieBotts · 17/10/2009 11:34

The ring thing is based on dowsing by the way, yes you can use anything, it's not magic, but it does work in theory because it works for other things as well, you can use it to answer simple yes-no questions. It doesn't always work for predicting the sex of babies though, not sure why. It's always been accurate for me but it told me DS would be a girl!

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2009 11:48

If they were dangling a wedding ring from a hair, do you get ostracised if you have short hair?

TrinityHasAVampireRhino · 17/10/2009 11:51

just dont let it bother you

I'm having a timy bit of trouble of trouble being around my couple friends at the mo

but I know its just going to eat me up if I dwell on it

breathe and enjoy your pregnancy

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