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AIBU?

to choose to be away for DD's birthday

89 replies

tinkerbellesmuse · 02/10/2009 16:53

I have the opportunity to go to Thailand for a long weekend but it falls on DD's birthday so should I go?

OP posts:

Report

KaDeWeh · 03/10/2009 17:20

I remember my fifth birthday. My mum and her sisters spent the night before re-decorating and furnishing their old dolls' house for me. I remember it because I was so pleased!

When I was five, I would have wanted my mum (hey, I remember crying non-stop when she went to London for the day. I was about five then) - even though my much loved dad looked after us for the day. I was just a typical, self-absorbed five-year-old, as they do tend to be.

I wouldn't go on a nice girlie weekend on my DD's birthday (she just had her fifth b'day) myself, regardless of what a crap time I'd had. But each to their own.

Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 17:21

YANBU. As long as you can make it up to her the week before or after her birthday, then go! Have a fabulous time and bring her back a special birthday pressie!

nbee84 · 03/10/2009 17:36

I've just phoned my dd (posted earlier, dh and I on honeymoon for her 4th birthday) to ask her what she remembered about us being away. All she could remember was being really happy having 2 birthday cakes - one with Nanna and one with Mum & Dad

I would say have a chat with DD - talk about having a special girly celebration when you get back (dvd & box of chocs or a day out together). See what her reaction is to that. If it is favourable, go to Thailand and have a lovely time if not then stay home and maybe arrange yourself a break with a girlfriend another time - it may not be Thailand but never mind.

FourArms · 03/10/2009 17:40

Go

At 5, I might have 'changed' DS1's birthday by a few days. DS1 (now 5) is always much more interested in his party, than in his actual birthday date.

DH has missed lots of birthdays in our family (Forces so no choice). No-one thinks twice about it.

Have a fab time if you decide to go.

nbee84 · 03/10/2009 17:46

And talk to her about it positively - if you say things like "we can have great day out by ourselves, how exciting, what would you like to do?" and "Daddy's going to do you a big birthday cake and take some photos for me to see" she is going to feel much better about it than "Mummy is going to miss you so much" and "I'm so sorry I can't be there on your birthday, you don't mind toooo much do you?"

Littlefish · 03/10/2009 17:50

Oh I would go! I agree with 4 arms, that at 5, the parties are much more important than the actual birthdays. Most of the children I teach assume that their party is their birthday.

Have a lovely time!

MovingOutOfBlighty · 03/10/2009 17:52

FGS - just go!!!!!!

I don't understand how people think that birthdays are really such a big deal. We tend to ignore the day it is on for our dcs and then set a party date that really suits us, eg, on a weekend close to that date.

Having said that, I am not the sort of person who gives a toss about Valentines Day, my wedding anniversary or feels the need to be up to midnight on new years .

tribpot · 03/10/2009 17:59

My ds (4) has never really taken any interest in his birthday, I'm anticipating that 5 will be the one he does take an interest in because he will have been at school for nearly a year.

Having said that, he will have no idea of the actual date and I'm quite sure that as long as he has a present/party he will be fine.

I would feel weird about not being with him on the actual day because in one sense it means a lot more to me than it does to him. And that will still be true in future years when he is off doing his own thing, maybe in Thailand for his birthday! I wonder if maybe, in the grand scheme of things, the birthdays we are guaranteed to have with our dc are too precious to waste - for ourselves, rather than for them?

I'm really just musing, not judging - clearly there is no reason to suppose you don't love your dd. Not all of life can be made to fall into neat piles of rightness. Choices have to be made.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2009 18:11

The more i think about this one the more I'm inclined to say YANBU - I think you should go without regrets.

Birthdays are so rarely celebrated on the actual day, usually waiting for the nearest weekend or sometimes a little longer. My DS's birthday lands on a Sunday this year, but his party will be the week after because he's at a friend's birthday party that day. Thinking back, there's always been a little cluster of birthdays, we've never celebrated it (other than present-opening) on the actual day. The important thing is that your DD's birthday is celebrated, not the absolute day that the celebration happens. If it's a week before or a week after to accommodate your trip, I really don't think it's going to scar her for life and make her think you don't love her!

KaDeWeh · 03/10/2009 20:45

FWIW, I don't get the whole party thing. I tell the DCs they can invite one or two children whom they really like for tea and a play on their actual birthday. Otherwise birthdays can go on for an entire week!

mamas12 · 03/10/2009 23:48

Can you tell her that her birthday is on the day of her party. Tbh I used to do joint birthday for years before I actually sat them down and told them that there were three days difference. They were fine about it ,

Minshu · 04/10/2009 06:46

Nbee84 - interesting that your DD has those memories of you being away for her birthday. Very similar to what I seem to remember about my mum going away over Christmas when I was a few years older than that (maybe 8 at the oldest). As an adult, I can look back and see how much good her holiday must have done her and my bro and I still had a lovely family Christmas with everyone else.

OP - go, have a fab time, don't feel guilty and bring her something back. Warning, though, my Mum underestimated my size when we'd been separated for just a few days, so be careful with clothes

Tambajam · 04/10/2009 07:22

I wouldn't go not least because a long weekend in Thailand with all that flying and jetlag on arrival sounds pretty painful.

FourArms · 04/10/2009 09:20

The OP isn't in the UK though Tambajam.

mollymawk · 04/10/2009 10:08

At 5 she won't have much (if any) idea of when her birthday actually is unless you tell her. Do what you suggest - have a "birthday day" when you are there and then if you want she can have something else on her actual birthday with DH/other relatives if any.

We have regularly changed the date of celebrating DCs birthdays to more convenient days (weekends etc) - they don't mind a bit - and mine are now 6 and 4.

JohnnieBodenAteMyHamster · 04/10/2009 10:12

at changing your children's birthdays to 'more convenient days'.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 04/10/2009 12:23

JonnieBoden - by that I mean that if her bday is on a monday, she is at school until 4.30, my DH is on call and not at home all day, I am at work, then we tend to celebrate it on the Sunday the day before or the Saturday the next week when we are all around. Then we make it really special for her.

Happy with that explanation?

curiositykilled · 04/10/2009 13:01

I wouldn't go but it's really a decision you need to take responsibility for making. 'MN said it was OK' is not really going to cut it with your dd.

tinkerbellesmuse · 04/10/2009 16:57

FWIW I have spoken to DD and she didn't seem in the slightest bit bothered!

She wanted an assurance that I would be at her party (which of course I will) and that I will make her the birthday cake she wants (something undoubtedly complicated) oh and she asked if she could have a pink sparkly party dress....and some new shoes....

I fear she may have got this manipulation negotiation business down to a fine art already

OP posts:

JohnnieBodenAteMyHamster · 04/10/2009 17:06

Blighty - okay, I'm satisfied.

I still wouldn't go to Thailand on my DD's birthday, though.

Minshu · 04/10/2009 17:16

Sounds like your DD has her head screwed on just right, tinkerbellesmuse

MorrisZapp · 04/10/2009 17:21

Yanbu.

Kids are natural materialists - they will sniff out the 'route of most presents' in a jiffy. As soon as your DD realises that she will get given more stuff, she'll be happy for you to go.

I use the same logic when my DP takes trips - he's going to a stag do in Las Vegas soon. I'm fecking delighted, it will be 'pressie payday' for me when he gets back.

Hurrah!

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MorrisZapp · 04/10/2009 17:24

Totally agree with mollyhawk too - why beat yourself up about a day that your DD will not even know about unless you tell her.

Why shouldn't kids bday's be on convenient days? I don't get the eye-rolling at all. What does it matter to anybody really if you move the feast back or forward a bit - doesn't everybody win from this, including the birthday kid?

thumbscrewwitch · 04/10/2009 17:28

Hmm, I don't think I would go, tbh. My Dad missed a few of my birthdays because he was in Russia for a month - he only ever seemed to manage to go in either my birthday month or my sibs' birthday month, just the way it worked with college holidays and visas back then etc.

I hated it - but it was a month so maybe that makes more of a difference.

If you are only gone for a weekend, I don't see a problem with you "shifting" your DD's birthday a couple of days; but I would suggest you get your DH to ignore the actual day entirely, and celebrate her birthday the day you get back.
She is only 5 - she doesn't really know how she's going to feel when she wakes up on her birthday and Mummy's not there! So I wouldn't take the risk, myself.

bigTillyMint · 04/10/2009 17:28

Have you asked her what she thinks? If your DH organises taking her for a slap-up meal, etc or cinema, etc, she might not mind at all!

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