To sort of step away from both families this christmas and...

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

just go for lunch at a restaurant- just me, DH and DS?

I will be heavily pregnant by then and I won't want to be wound up by family. I get very stressed every xmas by all the expectations.

Year before last, my sister and I had had a really rough time with 1 another, I was pregnant, she was going through IVF and hated me because of it. When xmas came and we were both pregnant and emotional we ended up rowing, DP went to the pub with his family and came home pissed, we were staying with my family at the time as we had problems with our rented home. My family did nothing at the night time and I went to bed at 6pm, bored and upset.

Last year we had lunch with my family and went to see DH's family at the pub because they couldn't tear themselves away to actually spend some time with DS. They were all drunk, tension rose and DH's nana started shouting that DS was spoilt rotten as he cried when she drunkenly grabbed at him. He was 7 months old. Horrible xmas.

This year I don't mind people coming round or us visiting them after DS has opened his prezzies in the morning, but I'd quite like DH, DS and I to go for xmas dinner together in a restaurant.

This is going to cause huge amount of moaning from the family, but I just think it is easier than all the fuss.

Then there'll be a big issue over whether we stay at home, got to DH's family or my family at night time.

Sorry this is long but I need to know whether I am being unreasonable as I don't want to really offend either family, I just want us to have a nice xmas.

[colditz]

Just stay at HOME! "What are you doing on Christmas day dear TotallyAndUtteryPaninied?"

"Why we are staying at home, in our pyjamas, and having a Quiet Christmas. It will be LOVELY."

[danthe4th]

We always have xmas day at home,my dh takes the kids to his parents on xmas eve and we see mine on boxing day. Xmas at home is great,we open the stockings when we get up, I do a full english breakfast which fills everyone up, then I always sort out a few prezzies which are new games, so we play, then go for a walk.Then dinner will be at 3/4pm and most of it is from m and s, I have a rolled stuffed turkey, with the trimmings but I also cover the table with buffet type food so everyone is happy and no one asks for food ever again!!

[2rebecca]

I used to have to work at Cristmas so probably easily got out of the habit of visiting parents for Christmas. We also spent Christmas at home largely as children which we always enjoyed, with grandparents visiting when they became old and retired and not wanting to spend Christmas in their own house. I wanted the children to have the same sort of christmas that I had (although divorce has now changed that)
I think grandparents have to realise that their house isn't their childrens' "home" any more and I think spending Christmas in your own house is just part of growing up and the transition from child to adult.
I've visited my parents at Christmas and my exes parents but we never felt under any obligation to visit anyone. I think as long as no relative is being left to have Christmas completely on their own and they have an invite to go somewhere if they wish no-one is being selfish and the desire of young families to have Christmas at home with their children is just as valid as the desire of grandparents to be surrounded by their brood so they can cluck.
Once you've had Christmas on your own once the expectation of visiting is much reduced for future years.

[BubbaAndBump]

Hurrah for voicing what many of us are thinking!

We're trying to do a rotational thingy: one year with ILs, then with my parents, then (this year) just us . Sneakily though my parents live close enough they can pop over to say hi so I get to see them without it breaking the rules . MIL is obsessed with md DDs so have invited her here for a little bit before Chrimble but as she stresses me out big time when she's here, so it's for a few days before (and not during) Christmas itself

[piscesmoon]

' but am really worried about coming across as selfish. It seems that it is perfectly acceptable though, which is hugely reassuring. So OP, YANBU!!

I don't think it is selfish. Every so often my mother comes up with 'I always thought how nice it would be when you all came home for Christmas. I pointed out that we would all have to stay and there isn't room, we couldn't all get round the table, she would be so worked off her feet that the first people would have had to start (to stop it getting cold)and would have finished before she sat down, that it would be very difficult if the cousins had different values of presents/amount of presents and that it is hardly fair on ILs if she had us all every Christmas, and so that even if we went there it would be better to stagger years so she didn't get one on her own. She reluctantly agreed that it was a romantic dream, but I expect she will come up with the same line in the future. It makes me a bit cross because my grandparents died early on and she was free to have lovely Christmases, on our own at home-which I loved as a DC.
I don't cut her out! But she comes to us-or to a sibling.My PIL do the same.
I think it is worth starting as you mean to go on-it is far more difficult to break once you establish a pattern. It isn't selfish.

[NigellaTufnel]

YANBU

Last Christmas we spent four days travelling to and from my mother's house, using up DH's precious days off. Did we get any thanks, or acknowledgement from mother? Did we heck.

I would give my right arm to spend Christmas with just DH, DS, and whatever pops out in November, but there is NO WAY that that will be allowed to stand.

[TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied]

CakeForBreakfast- sounds horrible. Glad you're doing things your way this Christmas. I SAY I'll make cookies or mince pies every xmas and I've never made one, I always buy. Got more of an incentive to bake this year as LO will be 19 months, so more fun than last year.

[CakeForBreakfast]

YANBU - no sireee

Christmas is all about work work work and stress once you become a mum.

Take your opportunities for doing it your way when you can, as the little ones get older you wont be able to so easily

I am doing my best to grow the bollocks and thick skin needed to NOT meet expectations.

Before becoming SAHM I had a culinary career and in laws especially have grown very used to being catered for. They don't ever SAY they expect it, I just feel it from the teeny tiny darted comments. When they come over, they want to be made to feel special (especially sil who is 31 but child-like about christmas).

I agreed to host Christmas for 8 in laws year before last as mil and sil said it would be a joint thing and they'd be round early to help. my dc1 was 4months and a hungry breastfeeder so I prepped for days and weeks ahead with homemade bloody everything, mincemeat, cakes, sweet platter, on the morning, cleaning and preparing fancy veg, homemade stuffings, - you know Good Housekeeping Christmas stuff. And knew dinner couldn't be delayed as some inlaws were diabetic and another a bit eccentric and needed to eat midday on the dot so pushed myself on schedules.

mil and sil were late and so couldn't help. I was a skivvy all day, noone really talked to me because when I wasn't serving or cooking I was off breastfeeding.

Everyone else had a lovely Christmassy time. I felt like a second class citizen and peeved with myself for being a doormat.

This year I will have a newborn over Christmas and am determined to take it easy and make it nice for me!

This was only going to be a short post!

[Sallypuss]

I'm watching this thread with interest as since meeting DH 9 years ago we've had the same issues around family (who all live miles away) and expectations and now we have DD it's only got worse.

I have a sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it as I know my mother will ask me any time soon (usually September). Is it wrong that I want to tell everyone we're going away and then stay home and bolt the doors?!

[JemL]

I am glad someone started this thread. Every year since DH and I got married, we have gone to my mums for Christmas (except for one year when MIL got in first!) last year we had planned to spend christmas on our own with DS (2.8 at the time) but my parents kept going on about it, trying to make out I was just doing it to please DH (which if you know us is laughable) and my sisters syaing they wouldn't go if I wasn't there. DS2 is due in October, and I really want to just stay at home this year - I think it would be nicer for DS to to spread out seeing family (and, let's face it, getting his presents) over more than one day, but am really worried about coming across as selfish. It seems that it is perfectly acceptable though, which is hugely reassuring. So OP, YANBU!!

[AbbyLou]

We are having our first Christmas on our own this year. Ds will be just 5, and dd 2.5. ususally we got to my parents as dh's dad and step-mum don't really 'do' Christmas and his mum always has her ex over who we can't stand. Plus she lives miles away. We always have a lovely time at my paretns and my mum does a lovely spread. We are made to feel extremely welcome. We have had both sets of parents here twice in last few years too. However, although my mum and dad love having us there they have always said they are not offended at all if we don't go, or decide to do something else. We made the decision a while ago that this year we will do it on our own. It is such hard work packing the car up with all the presents (in secret) and getting them out the other end without the children seeing.
This year, although I am cooking, it will be more relaxing I feel. We will have our own beds and the children can crash out whenever they like. I think we will have a special breakfast, maybe pancakes or pastries to start the day and then the children can open their presents whenver they like.

[PavlovtheForgetfulCat]

We did this year before last, not at a restuarant, we stayed at home, but we saw no-one on christmas day. It was DD, DH and me for the first time ever and it was absolutely fantastic.

I cared not a jot about offending the family. This year we are spending it with family and while I am looking forward to it, it has been a headache to organise already in August, and with a newborn this year I wish we had done the same!

Do it how you want to. I think it sounds perfect and you are saying the family are welcome to pop in at least.

[shhhh]

pisces,well said .

Dd was 6 months old when we had her 1st christmas and ours as parents and we set things as we meant to go on (things that happened over the following 12 months made it that way even more..). There was no way were dh & I doing the trips to gp's each christmas day.

Kids want to stay at home and play with their gifts from santa. Not travel for the whole day visiting.

Our view was, if you want to see us, come to us.

[piscesmoon]

If you don't set a precedent when you first have children, you will face a lifetime of travelling the motorways at Christmas, trying to please everyone and the DCs will get more resentful as time goes on.

[wearymum200]

We had brand new baby at Xmas last year (plus 2y9m DS) and had made it clear in advance that all family obligations were off (we usually spend XMas week charging round the country and it is a pain and exhausting and NOT WORTH IT). M and S food all ordered in advance for DH to pick up Xmas eve (booked pick up time, no hassle), came to much much less than £130 and was very good (with plenty of leftovers for Boxing day and beyond). Smoked salmon, roast duck and trimmings, Xmas pud for DH who likes it, profiterole tower for me and DS who don't, gammon, cheeseboard etc. I recommend it!
Am hoping we've set a precedent and can now say Xmas is for us 4 to enjoy ouselves together, not spend it all in the car/ exhausted from driving!

[secretgardin]

lovechoc is right. we always spend christmas day on our own. its lovely waking up, letting our dc open their presents and having enough time for them to play instead of being dragged of to relatives kicking and screaming. it's nice to spread the prezzie giving out a bit as well as they are not so overwhelmed. we see people on boxing day etc and we all are more calm and relaxed as well (why do we wound ourselves up so much for this one day). good for getting rid of left overs as well fair play for not wanting to spend it with others especially if your family is prone to arguements. let them know early on though.

[mamas12]

Especially as I'm not allowed in his house.

[mamas12]

It was always very strained and only me on best behaviour when were married. So many xmas spoilt by his EA
Anyway I would love to have just me and kids and I'm sure he feels the same BUT they want us so until they say otherwise I'll suck it up til then but I don't know how he will last!!

[2rebecca]

There's no way I'd invite anyone who wanted over for xmas dinner. we both work so I have no desire to turn xmas into a day of domestic drudgery. One good thing about having a small house is it's not really big enough for loads of guests.
I'm divorced and not having the kids for xmas is hard. The good thing is that I miss them more than they miss me and they always seem to have a lovely time with my ex and his parents. If we don't have my husband's kids either we then have a very adult Christmas and tend to avoid other people's kids so we don't feel the loss of ours so much. The good thing is I then get New Year with them and in some ways I prefer New Year as it's less fraught with anticipation and expectations and a more relaxing holiday, particularly now they're both secondary school. When they were small ex and I did the Christmas morning together with the kids thing but it was always very strained although both on best behaviour.

[mamas12]

Well for the past two years I've been a divorced xmas iykwim but I invited ex and his mother and sister over and they came and it really was the best behaved xmas he had done for Years!
For the second one he was supposed to have them but he just doesn't DO xmas (which upsets the kids and me) so they said they wanted the same as last year. So we did the same with them waking up here and him coming over with his mum and after lunch, going and they slept at his xmas night.

This year I'm scared he will want to take them away and I will be on my own

[shhhh]

yanbu. Do it! .

The last 3-4 year we have done similar. Both sets of parents don't really get along although things are cival, we also had a big row with the il's about 3 yrs ago..we have asked both sets over prior to the dk's arriving and after and been turned down etc so esp since the dk's arrived we thought stuffthem .

Both sets come over in the morning and see dd and ds open presents from them and then dh,the dk's and I all have christmas dinner just us 4. AND its.....................bliss .

We eat when we want,share the work load,can have a drink without fear of fights and once the dk's are in bed its just dh&i, champage and christmas telly .

Not a housefull of guests flat out and up till all hours ignoring our looks to leave..

PLUS..........I don't see why it has to fall on us...just because we have dk's..
ds and bil have their own homes and are welcome to invite the parents over..except they dont. or...the parents don't accept.

[oldraver]

When I got married and moved 2 1/2 hours away from family we said we would spend Christmas in our own house, but anyone was welcome to join us. My Mum has been snidey over this but has managed to join us twice including last year. Unfortunetly the MIL took us up on this offer twice as well. It has always worked for me, as I have never wanted to drag DC out on Christmas Day and dont think its fair on them. We did used to go and stay with family pre- Christmas for a week or so. There has never been any of the bickering over whose house we went to that so many of my friends seem to have (RAF area so many people round here have family away)

Totally we also have an M+S Christmas. They do a fab stuffed duck that come in its own tray and you just bung in the oven. Also their Roast potatoes are ok (I prefer to do my own but Mum bought some last year. The whole dinner can be done in less that 2 hours with hardly any washing up

[piscesmoon]

I should book lunch. Once you have your own DCs it is time to make you own, new, traditions.

[l39]

I wish we could have a Christmas with just our household! We're having both sets of parents, and will have a 2-month-old.

The Christmas when one daughter shut another's hand in a door and we spent 4 hours in Casualty was actually rather peaceful...

(My mum is already complaining about the turkey 4 months in advance )

[ErikaMaye]

Thing is, at Christmas, or any other celebration, you tend to offend SOMEONE for whatever reason. This year it will be just be the three of us, as will be out first family Christmas, and while my family are quite cool with it (we're going to do lunch with them on Christmas Eve instead) we haven't told his parents yet, as they're not going to be very happy with it, we don't reckon.

Go and book your lunch It sounds like a lovely idea! Don't worry about offending other people - there are 364 other days in the year you can see them.