AIBU - Are the following demands during *labour* kooky or over the top? You know you got to help me out ?

[snapple]

OK mumsnetters - check out a selection of proposed items on my birth plan - AIBU

Context - I am just over 25 weeks pregnant, will have the baby in a large noisy london hospital, so will be unlikely to have continuity of care.

1. MUSIC if I want it (and yes DH will bring the portable ipod with speakers)
   
   For example some killer tracks, how about:
   
   Are we Human or are we Dancer?
   
   or
   
   I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
   
   with that great refrain:
   
   Yeah, you know you got to help me out
   Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
   You know you got to help me out, yeah
   
   
2. Getting in a birthing pool for pain relief.
   
   
3. Have the lights down low.
   
   
4. Having dh bring in home made pasta if I want it.
   
   
5. Asking anyone who enters to use antibacterial gel.
   
   
6. Requesting that I only have dh and essential staff in the labour room.
   
   
7. requesting a hands off approach by staff as to the baby after giving birth, for those first precious moments.
   
   
8. letting cord stop pulsating before they cut the cord
   
   
9. requesting natural delivery of the 3rd stage of labour.
   
   I know the above assumes all goes well.
   
   I'd also be interested if anyone did a birth plan that hospital staff took notice of.

[Picante]

What about internal examinations? Was interested to find out that they are not essential, and can slow down and interrupt the flow of labour. I've put on my birth plan that I don't want any - apparently a good midwife can tell how dilated you are by looking at you!

[Horton]

All that sounds fine and rather like what I'd envisaged. However, when it came down to it:

1. Music - I would have killed anyone who made me listen to music. Just too distracting!
   
   
2. Pool - would have loved to use this but they were still filling it up when my daughter arrived. Be aware that it may take them a while to fill the pool.
   
   
3. Lights - would not have noticed if they'd turned disco lights on by the time I was pushing.
   
   
4. Food - I thought I would like to have this but in the event I was vomiting up the entire contents of my stomach instead. Food v handy for afterwards, though.
   
   Most of the rest of what you say seems to be pretty much standard practice from what I experienced, apart from the natural third stage.
   
   I also put things like 'I do not want to be offered pain relief unless I ask for it' as I was scared of having an epidural (I managed fine on gas and air). And I also included a section on what I would like to happen should I need an emergency C-section - stuff like I wanted to be able to hold my baby asap after birth. If I was unable to hold her I wanted DH to hold her near me. Etc etc. It is worth thinking about this, I think.
   
   The lovely midwife who delivered DD read my birth plan and followed it to the letter, btw.

[LynetteScavo]

I'd also ask to keep the door closed on the room you are delivering in. The hostiptal I had DSs in liked to keep the door open for some reason, and it to away any feeling of privacy. They did close the door when DH requested...but it woudln't have occured to them other wise.

[GibbonInARibbon]

I am a tad evil as I snorted tea out of my nose reading the OP.

I do however wish you a wonderful birth which is everything you hope for

[Tidey]

My birth plan when expecting DS was ignored completely.

I didn't waste my time writing one when I had DD.

Good luck and best wishes to you and I hope you have the birth you wish for.

[PinkTulips]

With my first i sadly didn't have the sense to write a BP and regretted it so with both boys i did.

With ds1 the mw sat down and went through it with me step by step and discussed everything, yet despite that and the birth being fairly straightforward i still didn't get what i wanted due to interfering and i had to fight several battles for the few things i did get done as i wanted.

With ds2 the mw was so lovely and i was quite far along when i arrived and the BP sort of got forgotten about yet i ended up having exactly the birth i wanted simply by asking for certain things as it all went along.

The difference between those two births was simply the attitude of the mw on duty... the student mw who was with me during ds1's birth was fab but it was a busy night on the delivery ward and the succession of mw's who she called in when needed were all very brusque and overrode my wishes constantly.

With ds2 the mw i had was running ragged between several rooms... including one twin delivery, yet she was happy for me to have the birth i wanted even if it meant waiting an hour for the placenta to deliver etc.

I did have to fight constantly in SCBU with ds2 for the next 5 days so it wasn't all plain sailing with him but at least when i was at my most vulnerable i got what i wanted.

I know none of that is very reassuring really but i just wanted to prepare you for the fact that even if things go well some mws pay very little heed to birth plans and you may find when you're going through all that that you find it difficult to fight your corner, try not to be too disappointed if things don't go quite the way you want, as long as nothing too traumatic happens and you have a healthy baby and mother at the end then count it a success

[girlonadolphin]

I didn't want to eat (was sick) and I didn't want to listen to music, I too shouted at exP if he was too near or too far away. Nothing went the way it was planned.

I don't think birth plans are a waste of time though. I think they give some shape to what might otherwise feel totally out of your control. Definitely useful for things like when you want to hold the baby and skin to skin etc.

Quite honestly you will be so deep into your labour that your birthplan will mean nothing so it is good for others to get some idea of what you want.

[blinks]

music-wise i just used the earphones so only i could hear it. the music + ball was a good combination for the early stages.

the i pod was of course flung off unceremoniously once i moved into the later stages.

only biting helped after that.

the bed. my husband. the midwives. i wasn't fussy.

[PinkTulips]

MrsBadger, your post made me smile as when things were going pear shaped with dd the mw came up to me and said 'There's a male student doctor outside who wants to watch the birth but i'm only asking you because i have to... you do not have to let him in, say no and i'll send him away'

[sleeplessinstretford]

mine should have read i will be stripped naked from the minute i am admitted with all the windows open and a fan on me as i am TOO HOT.
despite insisting he learn how to do massage dp will not be allowed to talk to me or touch me unless instructed to in a barking manner by me,and fucking woe betide him if he does it wrong...
ditto,the ipod we lovingly loaded up is pointless as shoving things in my ears is AGONY and i am in a zone.
don't send anyone in who is going to say 'we' as in 'how are we doing?' it should be how are 'YOU' as it's all about me me me
forget the pasta-take polos,they are less offensive when you vomit them back up...
good luck with all that,and keep an open mind and be flexible...

[piscesmoon]

I didn't make one and never would.
It seems to treat the staff as the enemy before you start IMO!
I found it much easier to be really friendly and work as a team rather than laying down the law-I didn't know what I wanted anyway. No one ever examined me until I was 8cm dilated anyway, so I did what I liked in the early stages. Once they got involved I was past worrying about it!
I expect the 'preciousness' of some birth plans brightens the day for the staff.

[SecretNinjaChipmunk]

this thread has really made me snigger. i think i had most of the things you have on the list but the hosp really don't need to know about you wanting pasta. although i heartily recomment it for the time following birth as the food at kingston was bloody awful, wish i had requested fruit salad.......
could i recommend one birth plan for the hosp staff and a more detailed one for dh?
i also put things like if i had to have intervention then i would prefer ventouse to forceps and if they could tell i was likely to tear badly could i have an episitomy and a brief note on what i would like if i had to have an emergency cesarean. just cover your medical choices really and dh can look after your ambience and personal needs.

i did ask natural 3rd stage but quite frankly was happy to have help with that so it was over nice and quick.

good luck and keep an open mind

[PinkTulips]

i really agree with secretninja on that point.... I'd keep the hospital birth plan to medical wishes only and write all the other stuff; music, food, keeping the room clear, etc on a seperate birth plan for dp. He'll be grateful for a list of constructive things to do and the hospital staff really couldn't give a figs about your musical taste and food orders

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

My birth plan this time round will be...

Just give me the bossy midwife I had last time please. She knows much more about birthin babies than I do!

[LittleSilver]

What about finding out the gender (if you don't already know?) With DD1, after she had been born, i suddenly realised I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, and so found out for myself. Afterwards I said to the mw "Thank you for not telling me, it was great to find out for myself". She replied that it wasn't her business, it was ours, and attitude I now wholeheartedly agree with and would me majorly peeved if someone stole that particular thunder. Hence with DDs 2 and 3 my BP saying in VERY BIG LETTERS not to tell us

[nickytwotimes]

Agree with all those who say your requests are reasonable, but DO NOT get too hunng up on them as shit does indeed happen.
Also, very unlikely you will want anything to eat.

I had a very rudimentary birth plan - I wanted to use a pool, but labour was too far advanced on arrival; I wanted gas and air and as little intervention as possible, which also was fine. Tbh, midwifery and medical staff usually WANT you to have as little intervention as possible. It costs them less and causes them less stress too. My consultant congratulated me on my 'straightforward' birth, even though I haad nothing to do with it - it is luck. He was more relieved than I was at the easy delivery of a healthy baby.

Good luck. Hope it goes well for you all.

[Merrylegs]

Yeah, basically what picesmoon, pinktulips et al said.

Pasta, music, low lights, etc are for your eyes only. Also, if your labour is straightforward, don't be surprised if you and DH are the only ones in the room for most of the time. Until you feel an urge to push and then you will be screaming at DH "press the red button, press the red button, the baby's coming! And turn that fricking music off!"

You get tea and toast after anyway. There is really nothing to beat it.

[letsblowthistacostand]

Sounds great to me. For both DDs, midwife went over birth plan with me towards the end (36wks I think?), signed off on it & put it in my notes. When I was in hospital everyone who came in the room looked at it.

Def put down what you want after the baby is out--I had that either I or DH was to hold baby asap for skin to skin and that if the baby had to be taken anywhere that DH was to go with her.

I think if your plan is reasonable and you acknowledge that you're ok with necessary interventions you'll get what you want.

All the midwives I met seemed very committed to helping me get the births I wanted and I was very happy with both experiences.

Good luck with it!

[2rebecca]

Natural 3rd stages can lead you more anaemic than augmented 3rd stages. Bright lights are handy for the actual birth bit if you want your midwife to look after your pelvic floor properly. Hospitals aren't generally geared towards "mood lighting". I'd rather have an intact perineum and a bright light than dim lighting and a tear. Staring up into someone's vagina is like lookiing up a dark hole. You don't want to make things harder.Bare in mind that many hosp[itals only have 1 birthing pool and someone else may be using it. Also that the birth bit isn't really that important, it's the looking after the baby and child bit that's hard work. I had all sorts of great birth plan ideas but ended up with firstborn induced at 3 weeks over with a long labour with meconium and was happy to have a healthy baby and get away without a section or forceps. Because of the meconium he was whisked away to have oxygen and cord cut asap. Birth is still a very dangerous time for your baby.

[LynetteScavo]

2rebecca - I disagree with so much of your last post.

Almost all of it infact.

I do agree that hostpitals are not geared towards mood lighting. Sadly.

[beckysharp]

This is your first baby and you're trying hard to think it through, but as others have said, stick the medical stuff (so cut the music... and pasta part out). Even with the medical parts, adopt a more collaborative tone. Reading books and going to classes is no preparation for the unexpectedness of labour. Midwives and obstetricians deliver babies every day; you need to take their advice.

I'm not speaking from the point of view of having had wonderful hospital labours or treatment; in fact, both mine were pretty grim in different ways. However, the first time I had a birth plan written with my community midwife (who didn't turn up for the birth) - it just went out the window in a welter of busy hospital-ness and because of unexpected things that happened during labour. The second time I wrote across my notes that I didn't want anyone lower than an SHO doing my stitches, and got what I asked for, but only because I sent away the first bloke they sent to do it! I didn't ask for anything else just went with the flow, having learnt the first time round that you can't control it, and in the long run, providing you all end up OK, it doesn't actually matter very much.

I do think that there is a great danger that in focussing so much on the birth plan and labour itself as something that you might be able to make choices about, and control, you run the risk of feeling very distressed if things go differently, and blaming yourself if things don't go to plan. I feel sure it must be a factor in depression and distress about births which aren't 'difficult', per se, but just not what the NCT led you to believe you might have. All this focussing on having a 'great' birth - not sure if it is really very healthy. A bit like obsessing about your wedding instead of thinking about the marriage.

At the end of the day, all birth plans perhaps should just read 'go home alive with a healthy baby'. Plenty of people don't get to do that ...

[snapple]

Thanks for everyones comments on the items I listed and I'm glad it gave people a chuckle. Cheers

[beckysharp]

"'Also that the birth bit isn't really that important'

This is absolute nonsense. It is a profound experience that stays with the woman for the rest of her life."

....sometimes.

It isn't a profound experience for everyone. Providing you all end up alive and healthy, and you weren't treated with actual brutality, then you get over whatever happens.

I used to think like you do, Starlight and others, but the older my kids get, and the more I see of life, the more I think that this focus on the actual birth is a bit batty, and doesn't necessarily do women much good. In fact, I think that in some instances it might be causing harm. How can we, for instance, campaign for proper staffing and good care for all women in all hospitals, when the whole system is becoming geared towards offering women 'choices' that they don't really have?