to ask that family members give us time to adjust as a new family, b4 bombarding us with visits??

[Tangas]

hi all, i'm due to give birth anyday to our 2nd child. i have asked both sides of our families to give us a day or two on our own as a family unit, before they all load up round here to make a fuss of the new baby.

I'm considering our 2yr old DS and how he's gonna feel about having to "share" mummy & daddy for the first time. How hes gonna feel watching everyone cooing & gooing over a new baby.
but also myself, I remember how my feet didn't touch the ground when we bought our first baby home, it was manic!!
I would like time for us to all adjust to new family life first. AIBU???
DP's sisters are apparently feeling quite upset about it, and feel as tho i'm saying they can't come and see the new baby. which is not it at all!! i'm even going to be askin the same og my family members... what do i do?? AIBU???

I dont think asking for a few days to get yourself established is unreasonable. To be honest I thought it was the norm! When I had DS I didnt get visitors till about 4 days after and when my cousin had her baby on the Tuesday we visited on the saturday. It's politeness.

I don't see why relatives will be upset at not seeing a baby for a couple of days. The trouble with the "entertaining them for an hour" idea is that all the relatives don't come in the same hour and leave after an hour and not come back for a while. They all want "their" time with the baby and can hang about for ages and then keep turning up. We had an early visiting half of family and a distant half. My eldest was several day old when my mum saw him as she had to travel up and arrange leave from work, he was 3 weeks old when my dad saw him. I didn't see my nephews until they were several weeks old as they live so far away.
I think having a few calm days is a great idea. I was just tired and sore the first few days and really glad not to have alot of visitors. You need the visitors when baby is about 6 weeks and crying for hours on an evening.

Do you know, before dd I did wonder why people weren't desperate to show off their babies straight away, in fact I may have believed it slightly selfish to stop close family from visiting as soon as possible. Oh how things have changed.

I had a 2 day long, very traumatic labour with a 6hr second stage, every intervention going and an eventual em cs. I was discharged 12 hours later having been awake for 4 days, severely anaemic and extremely fraught. I requested a day or 2 to recover before visitors.

As dh drove us round the corner to our house, the first visitors were on the doorstep. I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed. I had blood leaking through my trousers and couldn't get downstairs to get my maternity pads because they were there cooing over the baby. I sat on that bathroom floor and hated my first hours at home with my new baby. The visitors didn't stop until that evening. The next day they turned up at 7am and stayed all day, expecting lunch cooked for them. Now, not all family members are inconsiderate fecks but I now full respect any woman's right to say not yet to visitors.

This obviously depends on which perspective you're looking at.
From a new mums, you want a bit of time alone as a family, but from a grandparents, they want to see the new baby as soon as possible.
I personally loved all the visitors when my 3 were born, and although tiring, I was made to feel special and clever for producing such pretty/handsome offspring!
My visitors always made a massive amount of fuss to the older children who just thought it was one big party.
But, my children are
19, 21 and 24 and so being a grandparent may not be too long off and I would be hurt and disappomted if I wasn't allowed to see my new GC at the earliest opportunity.

Tangas, imagine 20 years on, when your dd/ds ask you not to visit them for a few days
Whole families should bond, not just in dribs and drabs, but that is my Opinion!

This is an emotive subject for me as i have had to have similar conversations with both sides of our family. I am expecting DC1 any day now and i feel exactly the same as the OP. I really feel for people who have had experiences like castiel and kitkatqueen

It is not just about the bonding, it is more to let the new parents (and siblings) have a day or two just to rest and adjust to a new routine, for me i know i will want to just get my head round it all. I dont think that is too much to ask. It is the one time in a womans life when she is entitled to be a tiny bit selfish!

My mum said that in the first week of having each of her three children that my poor dad spent the whole of his paternity leave(s) answering the door and making tea for visitors, he hardly had any opportunity to spend any time with his girls or my mum. That is his lasting memory of paternity leave sadly.

Someone on here said that the new parents have all the time in the world to bond with their baby - well the same goes for the family IMO.

OP you are absolutely definitely NBU!

castiel, that's awful.

DS1 - we were ignored in the relentless stampede of overbearing people for a period of about 2 weeks. It sounds dramatic but we both go quite depressed afterwards and I put a lot of it down to this.

DS2 - we learnt from out experiences and asked for a couple of days. DH's family understood and were fantastic. My family were shits and saw their arses about the whole thing but it's really helped us to reassess our relationship with them, to be honest. Much better and more serene the second time.

YANBatallU. Good luck and enjoy your baby.

TBH with me it is more my neighbours i am worried about now, they are curtain twitchers and i know they are gonna be straight out the door when our car pulls up after the hosp.

I am currently 9 days overdue and am scared to put the bin out for fear of being ambushed and asked 'ooh have you not had it yet? have you tried curry and sex?' grrr!!

depends on the family...if they are the kind that will be helpful and useful, than all the better...

also, if other people are there to coo, than you have more time for your first dc...

however, make sure that people either don't bring pressies, or also bring something for first dc and also, tha everyone first makes a fuss over dc1, before the cooing begins...

I think Gentlydidit has it right. If you have lovely considerate family you can't imagine the hell that it can become.

YANBU - birth is not hte easiest thing to go to and adjusting to a new member takes time. You will be tired and wanting to get to know your new baby. Your fmaily should respect your wishes and your space. It isnt their baby and it isn't their house. Put up a no visitors - mum and new baby resting sign and unplug the doorbell for a few days.

If they are miffed then tough. It isn't about them - this is about you and your immedaite family.

gah! my spelling these days is awful - when is mumsnet going to get spell checker for us preg-heads with sponge brains?

It is hard, because they will all be desperate to see the new baby. You have to do what feels right for you, but explain it to everyone so they understand your reasoning.

When DD was born, we came home from the hospital at about 8.30 pm to find 2 family members waiting in our house! And they didn't leave for about 3 hours! I was exhausted, new mom, trying to figure out how to BF, did not want it.

FOr the next one, we are going to ask for no welcoming committee on the first day, but we will let people visit on the second day I think as I personally wouldn't want to make them wait more than 1 day before they meet the newbie.

re castiels' experience. I would have given my husband strict instructions to send all visitors away and tell them we wanted no visitors for 2 days. As you had already requested this I really wouldn't have tolerated folk hanging around. If I was sobbing in the bathroom I would have expected my husband to put me first and shoo visitors out telling them we'd only just got back and I was tired after the labour.
A notice on the door sounds a good idea in that sort of situation.
I had bad piles and heavy bleeding and could hardly sit down. Visitors wanting to coo over babies and be fussed over, and their presents admired etc are great, just not straight after the birth.

YANBU - I plan to have no visitors for a while as last time was just a total nightmare.

I just want my DP and my daughter to come to the hospital for the first 2 days to give them both time to get used to the baby. If anything I then thought I could have the grandparents, aunty & Uncle and my best friend come to the hospital without my DD being there, after that and then when I am home I don't want any visitors for a few days.

I had DD on my own last time so this is DPs first baby and I want to make sure he and my DD are comfortable around the baby before tons of visitors descend.

I have explained to everyone in advance this. I am having a section this time too so I'm going tobe feeling rough. I know everyone will be dying to see thebaby but they have got forever to see the baby, you ever get those first few days back.

I understand why some of you feel that way as some of your relatives seem down right rude,
but again going back to what I said earlier thatis exactly why I prefer to get all the visits over with in the hospital(although not the delivery suite) and then get home and settle into a routine

Castiel

OP I really don't blame you for wanting a few days to yourselves. We had loads of visitors trickling in and out during the two weeks after having ds. I didn't mind my mum and mil. They were enormously helpful and I could see how important it was for them to see their grandchild (esp. my mum as it was her first). But others................no, they really can wait 2 days before visiting. I remember dh's aunt poking my tummy and saying "ooh, you got another one in there?" I would usually find it weird or funny but post baby hormones sent me into tears. I did feel very delicate - emotionally and physically. I had been awake for 48 hours and did not get a chance to catch up on sleep because I was bf. Whoever said you will upset someone was right - why should that someone be you? Esp. when you have been through the mill during the birth. Nothing wrong with putting you and your family first in this instance. Good luck with the birth

It is entirely your choice, and you should do what you feel is best for your family - that's you, ds, dh and the new lo. If you ask people to wait to be invited, then you can decide when you feel up to visitors.

Personally I wanted lots of visitors as I enjoyed the fuss and showing off the new ds - but that's my choice. You should enjoy this lovely time in the way that suits you best - and I wish you lots of happiness and joy with the new addition to your family.

YANBU I plan to have no visitors except my mum until I have left hospital and then I will allow a short visit for grandparents only. Then everyone else can visit on the weekend after I have had baby

My cousin had a premature baby 2 years ago and she told the whole family that visitors were not allowed on the SCBU apart from her and her partner because of an MRSA scare, so no-one except grandparents met the baby (who was fighting for her life) for about 2 months. Even then family members were complaining and crying "selfish" - I'm talking aunts/uncles and cousins, even though that exhausted, frightened new family spent precious hours on the phone updating and reassuring everyone. WTF?

Earlier this year she confessed to me that she had made the MRSA bit up as she just couldn't handle our family at the time, especially after seeing what we went through with the arrival of DD1 (similar story to castiel's and kitkatqueen's). I thought "good for you."

Did I mention that they invited me to visit in SCBU when she was a month old? - what a privilege, something I did not expect and would never have dreamed of asking for. I didn't breathe a word to the rest of the family as I knew they would all get their noses out of joint and want their "fair share" They still crow and strut around each other about who got to see her first when she was finally allowed home.